


Latch

by gallovihc



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, but yeah end game luke and calum don't worry, i feel like i should add a warning about drug use, so here, that's my expertise, this will probably be angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:16:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 78,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1603190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallovihc/pseuds/gallovihc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>luke thinks calum is having weird dreams. calum may or may not like luke. teenagers who love each other usually end up alone. but sometimes they don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you enchant me, even when you're not around

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys. so obviously i do not own luke hemmings or calum hood, or any member of 5 seconds of summer/one direction. this is PURELY fictional and i mean absolutely no disrespect to anybody (so sorry if i offend you). um. yeah, please don't send this to any of the boys, this is for the enjoyment of fans & shippers. i'm not sure if anyone is going to like this or not so if you do please leave a comment or something, constructive criticism is always nice. thanks, i hope you enjoy.

_There are lips on Calum’s neck and hands are running down his body, slipping under his loose t-shirt and trailing back up his bare stomach. The lips momentarily leave his neck as his shirt is impatiently tugged off and he makes a sound of annoyance at the loss of contact but then they’re there again, sucking a dark bruise onto his neck._ _He rolls his hips up into the hand that’s moved from his torso down to his crotch and is now palming him through his tight jeans and he moans at the contact._

 _"Tell me what you want,” the voice whispers, it’s low and gravelly and Calum knows this voice, it’s so familiar_ _-_ _  
_

_“Luke,” Calum mumbles, “Stop being such a tease_ _-_ _”_

_And wait._

Calum’s eyes snap open and he feels his heart pounding in his chest. The remnants of his dream leaving him groggy and disoriented and…incredibly hard. This is not happening. This is _really_ not happening.

Except that it is. It totally is. And it's happened before. Calum takes a deep breath because the thing is, this _has_ happened before. He’s had far more dreams than he'd ever like to admit about Luke…and him…doing things (things being kissing). He'd kind of actually grown used to it because, really, kissing was all it was. But now he's lying in bed with a full on boner because he just had a dream about going way farther than kissing with Luke. Calum takes another deep breath, fighting the urge to palm himself through his boxers because he _will not_ get off to _that_ sort of dream where Luke is involved. That is not going to happen.

He looks at the clock, which reads 4:59am. It’s too early, really, to be thinking about any sort of thing like this but the fact that he’s now had numerous dreams about Luke is nagging him, begging him to address what this actually means. It’s Calum though, and he’s eighteen, and he _really doesn’t want_ to address what this actually means so instead he gets out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom, hoping the sound of the shower doesn’t wake Michael, whose room is connected to the bathroom as well (it’s Michael though, he doesn’t get too worried over it).

Having thoroughly showered (he really just let the cold water run over him until his hard on went away) Calum dries his hair and pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a Nirvana t-shirt (that definitely isn’t Luke’s) and then makes his way out of his room to the kitchen.

The band has been staying in a decently sized flat in London for the past two weeks, writing and recording for their album. Calum silently thanks whatever higher power there is that they’ve each gotten their own room because all the boys have told him numerous times how much he talks in his sleep and he doesn’t even want to think about what he says (or moans) when he’s having one of _those_ dreams.

Calum shivers slightly when his bare feet touch the cool tiled floor of the kitchen and he spots a sweatshirt thrown over the back of one of the couches in the living room (this one definitely is Luke’s, but Calum is cold and this is clearly much faster than going back to his room to find one).

He puts the kettle on and shoves a few pieces of bread in the toaster and then he’s left leaning against the counter with nothing but his mind, which is still working on overdrive despite Calum’s attempts to shut it up. This isn’t an ideal situation, but he can hardly go and wake up one of the boys right now to talk to about meaningless things. Ashton would probably be okay with it but he would inevitably ask Calum why he’s awake at five in the morning on one of their days off and Calum isn’t sure he wants to answer that question.

So he is, quite literally, alone with his thoughts. Not good. ( _Don’t think about Luke. Don’t think about kissing him. Don’t think about what any of this means._ ) It’s not like a dude can’t have dreams about kissing his friend, right? People have dreams about kissing other people all the time. It’s normal. Dreams are weird and more importantly they don’t ever mean anything.

The kettle starts whistling and Calum fumbles to turn off the stove before it wakes anyone up. He pulls down a tea mug from the cabinet just as the toast pops up and he's pouring his tea, is about to spread vegemite on his toast, when he hears footsteps.

Calum turns around, his eyes falling on Luke, who’s wearing nothing but sweatpants hung ridiculously low on his hips and _of course_ it’s Luke because that’s just how his life is working out right now.

“Cal?” Luke mumbles, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“Hey, Lukey,” Calum says quietly, “’m sorry, I was making tea, did that wake you up?”

“No,” Luke says, picking up Calum’s tea and taking a sip of it, despite the fact that there's still steam rising from the top and he'll probably burn his tongue from it. Calum rolls his eyes when Luke neglects to expand on his reason for being up.

“So…” Calum prompts, taking his tea back from Luke and taking a sip of it as well (he was right, of course, and he burns his tongue), “Why’re you awake, then? It’s what… five thirty?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Luke sighs, and it’s at that point that Calum notices the circles under Luke’s eyes, “Haven’t been sleeping that much lately.”

“I can tell,” Calum comments, “Why not?”

“Been thinking about things,” Luke shrugs through a yawn.

 “Like what?” Calum questions, frowning at Luke’s hesitation to answer, “You okay, Luke?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Luke says quickly, “It’s fine, nothing important.”

“Important enough to get you up at five in the morning,” Calum counters. He would let this go, Luke clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, but Luke never refuses to talk about anything unless it’s really important. Calum has reflected multiple times how counter intuitive this is.

Luke laughs slightly, and it sounds forced, which Calum raises his eyebrows at, “You know I could pull the same card. Why’re you up at five in the morning?”

“Touché,” Calum goes back to spreading vegemite on his toast, which has now gone slightly cold. He'll let it drop, for now.

“So why _are_ you up so early?” Luke takes a piece of Calum’s toast from him and takes a bite.

“What is it with you an stealing all my food and beverages?” Calum asks, dipping his pinky in the vegemite jar and wiping it on Luke’s nose, “I couldn’t sleep either.”

Luke scrunches up his face, grabbing a paper towel and wiping his nose with it, “Why not?”

“Aren’t you full of questions this morning?” Calum comments.

“Just asking you everything you asked me,” Luke responds. He wraps his arms around himself, “It’s freezing in here. Is that my sweatshirt?”

“More questions,” Calum observes, “Yes, young Lucas, it is. I wasn’t exactly expecting you to need it. Do you want it back?”

“Nah,” Luke leans back, pulling himself up so that he’s sitting on the counter, and Calum definitely doesn’t notice the way his ab muscles flex, “C’mere.” Luke pulls Calum towards him, spreading his legs slightly so that Calum fits his hips in between the space. He begins messing with the hem of Calum’s (or his) sweatshirt, “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

“I’ve been having weird dreams,” Calum murmurs, he begins tracing spirals on Luke’s bare chest with his pointer finger.

Luke frowns slightly, “What about?”

This is dangerous territory because, shit, how is Calum supposed to answer that?

“Just like, um, stress dreams, you know?” Calum invents, and, yeah, maybe this could work, because Luke nods slightly, “Like when there’s all these people that you know in a normal setting but really weird things are happening.”

“Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something,” Luke jokes. (Calum kinda wishes he hadn’t said that because that would mean that Calum _wants_ to kiss Luke and that’s not even a possibility. At all.)

“I don’t know, maybe,” Calum says hesitantly.

They’re quiet for a moment, but it’s comfortable. Calum continues tracing lines across Luke’s chest.

 “This is nice,” Luke says quietly in a voice that makes Calum’s stomach feel funny.

“What is?”

“This, us,” Luke is staring at his hands, “I’m never up so early. I don’t know, it’s peaceful. I like the quiet.”

He looks up at Calum and then he shivers which is adorable in a way that only Luke could be (because _really_ nobody is even remotely cute when they shiver).

“Go put a shirt on, Asshole,” Calum says, pulling away from Luke and returning to his now very cold toast.

“Excuse me. Why am I an asshole?” Luke laughs.

 _Because you look fucking great and I want to put my hands all over you_ \- and where the fuck did that thought come from? Calum forces a grin onto his face, “You’re not. Just go put on some clothing before you freeze to death.”

“You love my shirtless body,” Luke teases, “I’d figured you’d have asked me to take my trousers off by now.”

“Clothes. Now,” Calum watches him go, all long limbs and messy hair, and there’s something about him that’s so completely captivating, it really just makes Calum want to grab him and kiss him.

 _Shit_.


	2. please don't stand so close to me, i'm having trouble breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum is kind of bad at handling this whole liking luke thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! chapter two! thanks soooo much for the positive feedback guys. this chapter is a little bit longer, i hope you enjoy at as much as the last one or even more. comments & kudos are always appreciated. xoxo (also i only proofread this once so sorry if there are errors.)

It’s funny how when you want to ignore something, it becomes ten times harder to ignore. Or at least Calum thinks this is funny (but more of a ‘why the fuck is this happening’ kind of funny). See, he’s sitting on the couch, and it’s been four days since he had the world shattering thought that he wanted to kiss Luke. He thinks that, maybe, he’s overreacting a little bit, but he’s really not handling the idea of liking Luke very well. It’s not like he can just go and talk to Ashton or Michael because they’d probably give him good advice that wouldn’t help him at all.

And then there’s the fact that he hasn’t even really thought about liking _guys_ in general because it’s kind of hard to stop thinking about the fact that Luke is very much not a girl. It’s not that Calum’s never been attracted to guys before (he has, but he probably wouldn’t admit it in a casual conversation), it’s just that he’s  never explicitly had a crush on one.

Seeing a dude and thinking ‘I _would_ kiss you’ is much different from seeing Luke and thinking ‘I _want_ to kiss you.’ That’s the problem here.

So he’s sitting on the couch. They all are actually. Michael’s just told a really stupid joke, Calum thinks it was a pun, but he’s a little bit distracted right now because Luke is giggling, _giggling_ , like a fucking idiot. (And it kinda makes Calum want to scream into a pillow.)

Because it’s like this: Calum may or may not like Luke. And every time Luke does something weirdly adorable or incredibly hot or anything that makes Calum’s stomach feel funny, the arrow inside Calum’s brain points to the former. He’s really not handling this very well.

“I’ll be right back,” Calum gets up from the couch.

Ashton looks at him with a suspicious expression on his face, “You okay, Mate?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Calum reassures him, quickly, “Just need some fresh air, it’s hot in here.” He steps out onto the balcony, which looks over an alleyway leading to the quiet street they’re staying on, and closes the door behind him before he leans against the railing.

He’s only been staring mindlessly at the brick building across from the balcony for a few moments when he hears the sliding door open.

“You alright, Cal?” Luke sits down on the lone plastic chair pushed into the corner of the balcony. He looks up at Calum.

“Yeah, of course,” Calum tells Luke (his voice only catches a little bit).

“Did I do something wrong?” Luke asks quietly.

“You?” Calum is surprised (he really shouldn’t be, he’s been kind of dick to Luke lately), “Why would you think that?” (It sort of comes along with the whole I-don’t-like-you denial thing).

“You’ve seemed kind of off…” Luke bites his lip, “like…only around me.”

“It’s nothing.” _I just think I want to kiss you_.

Something passes over Luke’s face, and Calum can’t quite tell what it is, but he stands up, and he seems upset, “Fine. I’m going back inside. It’s cold out here.”

“Luke wait,” Calum doesn’t really know what he’s going to say, but he really doesn’t want Luke storming off, upset because of him.

“What?” Luke looks sad. Or angry. Maybe a mixture of the two. Calum can’t tell.

“I-” he pauses. Words are failing him at the moment. (His timing is excruciatingly terrible).

“Look,” Luke cuts him off (okay, definitely angry), “I get if you’re dealing with something that you don’t want to talk about, but don’t take it out on me by acting fucking weird around me. You don’t have to make me feel like shit too.”

The sliding glass door slams shut and Luke is gone before Calum has a chance to reply.

Calum stays outside for at least an hour, until he can’t feel his fingers and he’s started shivering. He knows he’s been acting weirdly around Luke, but he can’t really help it. It’s just this automatic response to keep Luke out of his space because he’s _so_ terrified that Luke’s going to figure it out or catch on and Calum doesn’t think he could deal with that.

He intends to go to his room, thinking to get by Ashton and Michael, who are still watching TV, without them noticing, but well…he probably shouldn’t pursue a spy career.

“Calum, Mate,” Ashton says as soon as Calum comes inside, “What’s up?”

“Yeah, why the fuck is Luke upset?” Michael adds on.

“C’mon guys, it’s nothing,” Calum excuses lamely.

“Dude,” Ashton raises his eyebrows.

“He thinks I’ve been acting strangely around him,” Calum mumbles.

“You have,” Michael says bluntly.

“What have I even been doing different?” Calum questions. (This is a slightly rhetorical question considering he fully knows the answer.)

“Well you’ve cut the amount of physical interaction in half, like every time he touches you, you move away or get really quiet,” Michael seems very annoyed with Calum, “And you’ve been getting increasingly distant.

“No I have-”

“Yes you have,” Ashton interjects, “Would you like to tell us why?”

“I promise it’s nothing,” Calum repeats, “I’ve just been stressed out. About the album and stuff.”

Ashton studies him for a moment, “I know you’re lying. And you’re obviously not going to tell us. But stop taking whatever it _actually_ is out on Luke, okay? Don’t alienate the poor kid. He’s your best mate, Cal.”

“I know he is,” Calum says truthfully, feeling worse than he already does.

“Can you at least go fix things with him?” Michael asks, “He doesn’t deserve this, he hasn’t done anything wrong.” _And you have_.

Calum nods. He may hate Michael and Ashton sometimes but only because they’re right. He takes a deep breath and heads down the hallway. (He doesn’t count how many steps it takes to get there.)

“Luke?” Calum knocks on Luke’s door softly. He’d try the handle but he knows it would be locked.

“Please go away,” comes a muffled response.

“Luke, I just want to talk to you,” Calum tries the door handle anyway. He’s right, it’s locked, “Please.”

He hears footsteps and a moment later, the door is being unlocked and opened. Luke leans against the doorway and looks blankly at Calum, whose mouth is opened slightly, trying to find the words to say.

“I just don’t understand why you won’t tell me what’s going on,” Luke says quietly, before Calum has a chance to speak.

“You know, you haven’t told me what was wrong either, what was keeping you from _sleeping_ ,” Calum says defensively. He’s not very good at this.

Luke goes to close the door and okay, he’s _really_ bad at this.

“Luke, wait,” Calum puts his hand on the door to stop it from closing, “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I don’t- I don’t want to fight with you.”

Luke rolls his eyes, but he stops closing the door, instead just leaves Calum there, and returns to his bed, which he sits down on, and Calum takes that as some form of agreement. Or at least the best he’s going to get.

He sits down next to Luke (but not too close), and then he worries that Luke will take this as him acting weirdly again so he moves a little bit closer (but still not close enough that Luke will be able to feel his heart trying to break out of his chest).

“I’m sorry,” Calum says softly.

“For what?” Luke turns his gaze from the floor to Calum and _his eyes are so beautiful, even when they’re angry_.

“For being a dick?” Calum looks at Luke sheepishly, hoping that he’ll let it go.

“You don’t have to treat me differently just because you think I might not understand what you’re feeling or something,” Luke mutters, “You could just talk to me. Like a normal person.”

“I’m not very good at that, in case you haven’t noticed,” Calum allows himself to bump his shoulder against Luke. It’s a weird form of a peace offering.

“If you tell me what I’ve done wrong I won’t be angry with you,” Luke looks down at his hands, “I can fix whatever it is.”

Now Calum feels even worse, because his intention was never, ever to make Luke feel like he’d done something wrong. This was not what he wanted. He’s not really sure what he wanted, but this is definitely not it.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Lukey,” Calum says very seriously.

“Calum you can just tell me-”

“Luke, look at me,” Luke complies, but he looks sad, “You haven’t done anything wrong. Okay?”

An expression of confusion and hurt passes over Luke’s face, and Calum isn’t really sure why, “Then why haven’t you been acting different around Ash or Mikey? I’m not _stupid_ Calum, you haven’t changed anything with them. But all of a sudden you’re all distant from me? I’m sorry if I’ve done anything wrong, but I can’t fucking fix it if you don’t tell me what it is.”

Oh. That’s why.

“Luke-”

“Can you please leave.” It’s not even a question, more of a statement.

“C’mon, Luke,” Calum says helplessly.

“Fine,” Luke gets up, walking towards the door, “I’m leaving then. If you don’t want to tell me anything anymore then I’m not going to beg you to.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Calum argues. He’s still really bad at this. At least Luke hasn’t left yet.

“Whatever, Calum,” Luke shakes his head, “Come talk to me when you’ve figured your shit out.”

Okay, okay, okay. He has to do something, say something. If he doesn’t tell Luke what’s going on, Luke is going to leave, and if Luke leaves that means that he’s angry with Calum and _that_ in itself is completely awful but it also means that Ashton and Michael will probably be angry with him too because he was supposed to come here and _fix_ things, not make them worse. On the other hand he can’t just go around a) telling Luke how he might (definitely) feel about him or b) kissing him (although that might prolong his leaving for a couple minutes even if it would definitely end up in him leaving permanently).

Luke is turning to go.

“I think I like dudes.”

It kind of just comes tumbling out of his mouth, and, well, it certainly gets Luke’s attention. He sort of freezes and a funny expression passes over his face, “What?”

“I think I like-”

“Wait, no, I heard what you said,” Luke comes back into the room, closing the door behind him and staring at Calum, “I just mean, what- like… are you serious?”

“Yes,” Calum says slowly, not taking his eyes away from Luke.

“Okay,” Luke nods. Then he _shrugs_ , “Cool.”

“…What?”

Luke shrugs again, “Cool. Thanks for telling me. I’d say I told you it wasn’t that difficult to actually talk to me, but I already feel like a major jackass so I’ll refrain.”

Calum is feeling strangely calm right now, considering he just told Luke that he’s into guys, but it doesn’t feel as big of a deal to him as he thought it would (okay so maybe Luke _was_ right) and he kind of feels relieved.

“Wait, why do you feel like a jackass?”

“Because I just forced you to come out to me,” Luke looks slightly relieved at the fact that Calum doesn’t seem to find this nearly as much of a dick move as Luke seems to.

“No, you didn’t,” Calum says immediately, he really doesn’t want to make Luke feel any worse than he already has, “Don’t worry. I feel better now.”

“I told you so,” Luke says and then they’re both laughing, which is really fucking nice because they’ve really only been fighting for a of couple hours or so but Calum has hated every minute of it.

Eventually they stop laughing, and Calum gathers his breath (he can’t stop smiling at the way that Luke is still smiling), “I think I like girls too, though.”

“You know that’s a thing, Cal,” Luke says casually (Calum kind of loves him for how cool he’s being with this), “You could be bi.”

Calum knows this but he considers it for a moment anyway.

“I don’t want to label it right now,” he decides.

“You gonna tell Ash and Mikey?”

“Eventually,” Calum says (seriously why is he so calm about this?), “When I’m ready.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass,” Luke says, suddenly somber.

“I’ve been much worse, Lukey,” Calum pulls Luke into a hug, he doesn’t care how close it puts them, “Please don’t worry about it, okay?”

Luke hugs him back tightly, “Okay. As long as we’re okay.”

“We are.”

And Calum can work with this. Sure, he heart may speed up whenever they get too close, but if it fixes Luke being angry with him, he’s going to do his best to act normally. (This is his excuse for hugging Luke just as tightly).

+

“Took you long enough,” Michael comments when Luke and Calum come out of Luke’s bedroom, “Were you having make up sex or something?”

“Obviously,” Luke says, grinning. (Calum definitely doesn’t blush).

“So now that the lovebirds have made peace, what should we do tonight?” Ashton asks, “We could go out or something.”

“Pick up some ladies?” Michael raises his eyebrows suggestively.

“When have you ever wanted to go out and _pick up some ladies_?” Calum asks.

“Excuse me,” Michael says, mock offended, “What exactly are you implying?”

“That you prefer staying inside, eating pizza, and watching an unhealthy amount of TV,” Luke says matter of factly.

“Guys, c’mon,” Ashton whines, “Let’s do something tonight. I’m calling Niall.”

“Last time you went out with Niall you woke up on Zayn’s kitchen table and I’m pretty sure Calum lost a shoe,” Michael points out.

“Niall is the best person to party with,” Calum tries to defend his and Niall’s honor (also this is totally true, Niall is _awesome_ to party with), “It’s inevitable that things get a little crazy sometimes.”

“Liam and Andy might be at the Funky Buddha tonight,” Luke suggests.

“Liam and Andy are _always_ at the Funky Buddha. There is no ‘might be’,” Michael laughs.

“Hey, Niall!” Ashton has apparently picked up his phone and called Niall while the rest of them have been talking, “What’s up, Mate?”

There’s silence on Ashton’s end while Niall responds.

“Awesome! Cause we were just wondering if you were doing anything tonight, we’re not really sure what to do…”

At this point, Ashton gets up and goes into the kitchen, where the boys can’t hear him very well, but he comes back into the living room about three minutes later, “Great, Zayn and Niall will pick us up at eight.”

“That’s in an hour,” Michael says, and the boys all look at him questioningly before he says dramatically, “That’s obviously _not_ enough time to get ready.”

“Are you serious right now?” Ashton gives Michael a look.

Michael starts laughing, “Of course not, _god_ , who do you think I am.”

“You never know with you, man,” Ashton shrugs, “I’m going to take a shower. Don’t burn anything while I’m gone.”

“Don’t worry, _Daddy_ ,”  Luke blows a kiss to Ashton, causing both Michael and Calum to start laughing.

“You’re all nasty as fuck!” Ashton calls back.

+

“Why are we here again?” Calum mutters to Luke as they enter the small bar that Niall and Zayn have taken them too. It’s this very obscure place, that Calum, Luke,  nor Ashton have ever heard of (though for some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of them, Michael has). Sex by The 1975 is playing when they walk in and it’s very dark, the only sources of light being strobe lights over the dance floor (where there seem to be a dangerously large amount of people dancing) and the dim, red tinted lights of the bar area. There are waitresses and waiters, all in skimpy, tuxedo styled outfits, and Niall is grinning widely, already waving hello to one of the waiters.

“Because Ashton comes up with terrible ideas when he’s bored,” Luke says back. He has to talk loudly, now that they’ve fully entered the building, because the music is so loud.

“I guess we should try and make the best of it then, yeah?” Calum shrugs and Luke returns a look that says _well what’s the worst that could happen?_

“Oi! Lukey, Cal, I’m going to get a drink!” Michael shouts to them, turning to head towards the bar. Ashton is chatting amiably with Zayn, who seems to be telling him a story that involves lots of hand movements.

“Want to go get something as well?” Calum asks Luke. (He really does think he deserves an award for how calm and collected he’s being around Luke right now… considering.)

“I can’t drink, Cal,” Luke says, seemingly annoyed at this fact. Oh, right. He’s still seventeen.

“I still can’t believe you don’t have a fake ID,” Calum teases, knowing exactly how Luke is going to respond.

“It’s immoral!” Luke defends, then adds on as a second thought, “Plus my mum would kill me if she found it.”

“Alright, Skywalker, I’ll buy you something,” Calum grabs Luke’s wrist and drags him over to where he saw Michael go.

Calum figures he’ll just order two drinks, then hand one over to Luke once they leave the general area of the bar, but when they get there, he realizes the entire bar area is roped off, and there’s a man who looks a hell of a lot like some form of Security standing at the entrance, “ID’s?”

Calum fishes his ID out of his pocket and hands it to the bouncer. The bouncer looks at Luke, who is looking even more annoyed.

“C’mon, Mate,” Luke argues, “I’m not ordering anything, just accompanying him.”

“Sorry, kid,” the bouncer shrugs, “Can’t let you in unless you’re eighteen or up.”

Luke pulls Calum out of the bouncer’s earshot, “Please remind me next time that I really am _still_ not old enough to come out with you guys.” He crosses his arms and steps aside, “I’ll wait here, okay? Just get me whatever you get.”

“You sure?” Calum asks. (He really needs to get Luke a fake ID, no matter how “immoral” it is.)

Luke nods so Calum waits for some people in front of him to go through and then shows his ID to the bouncer again, getting through without a problem. He looks back at Luke, who gives him a reassuring smile, and then turns to survey his surroundings (this basically entails many, many people). There’s a small open space at the bar so he squeezes his way through the mass of people and finds himself squeezed between a very tall blonde girl with minimal clothing and maximum make up, and an equally tall, dark haired guy with a rose tattooed on his bicep.

The bartender is nowhere to be seen, so Calum turns to the dark haired guy, who looks slightly less intimidating than the blonde girl, “Is this the right place to order?”

“This your first time?” the dark haired guy sounds Italian or something. He’s definitely not from Britain. Calum nods, “Ronnie ‘ll be back in a couple minutes, went to get more beer.”

“So is it always this crazy, then?” Calum asks. The guy seems friendly enough, much less intimidating once he’s started speaking. He also has very nice lips, which Calum quickly diverts his eyes from when he realizes he’s been staring.

“Pretty much,” the guy says, “I mean it is a Friday, so there’s about a hundred extra people, but it’s usually pretty crowded.”

“Are you sure that’s not a fire hazard?” Calum only internally flinches a little bit at how much of a dork he probably sounds like, but the guy smiles anyway.

“It probably is, Ronnie doesn’t care though,” the guy responds casually.

“And Ronnie’s the…owner?” Calum guesses.

“Yep, and I’m Daniel. You can call me Dan, though,” the guy, whose name is apparently Daniel, looks around the room, then back at Calum, “I’d offer to shake your hand, but I don’t think there’s really enough room to do that without elbowing anybody.”

“Don’t worry,” Calum grins, “I promise I won’t question your manners or anything. I’m Calum.”

“Calum,” Dan drums his fingers on the bar, “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Calum shakes his head, “I’m an Aussie.”

“Australia!” Dan exclaims, “I’ve always wanted to go there. What brings you out here?”

“I’m in a band,” Calum says (he’s really enjoying how easy this guy is to talk to), “We’re writing and recording here for a couple weeks.”

“You, Sir,” Dan responds, “Get more and more interesting by the second. Can you speak Japanese as well?”

“I wish,” Calum laughs, “However foreign languages were never my specialty in school. What about you, though? You don’t sound from around here either.”

“Couple years back, moved here from Rome,” Dan explains, “Accent stuck.”

“When in Rome…” Calum says dramatically, “What for, school?”

“How’d you know?” Dan asks.

“Most people _don’t_ drop out of secondary school to pursue a music career,” Calum confesses, “And you don’t seem too old yet.”

Dan laughs, biting his lip and looking at Calum for a moment, “May I buy you a drink, Calum?”

Wait. Is Dan hitting on him? “I’m honored, but that’s actually what I’m doing for someone else.”

Dan looks around again, and Calum follows his gaze this time, which inevitably lands on Luke, who raises his eyebrows when Calum makes eye contact with him.

“Is Blondy your boyfriend?” Dan asks.

“Who, Luke?” Calum asks, confused.

“I don’t know, the tall dude with the blonde hair standing near the bouncer,” Dan explains.

Yes, Luke.

“No,” Calum says immediately (is it really that obvious?), “Why?”

“Every time I’ve looked over there, he’s been glaring at me,” Dan purses his lips, “I think he’s jealous.”

“Nah,” Calum argues (he’s not really sure why he’s so determined to prove that Luke _isn’t_ his boyfriend when that’s kind of entirely what he wants), “He’s just annoyed cause he’s not old enough to get into the roped off area. And I’m supposed to be bringing him something back.”

“I see,” Dan smirks, “And being delayed by an attractive young chap like me wasn’t part of the original plan?”

“How’d you know?” Calum asks, repeating what Dan had asked earlier. (Does this count as flirting?)

“Lucky guess,” Dan returns.

A man, who Calum presumes to be Ronnie, returns a few minutes later, carrying a large crate of beer, and in less than ten both Dan and Calum have their drinks.

“I really should be getting back to Luke, you know,” Calum says, and he’s surprised that he feels almost reluctant about it. (Almost.)

“Are you sure he’s not your boyfriend?” Dan narrows his eyes at Calum, but there’s still a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Nope,” Calum pops the ‘p’.

“Good,” Dan says, grinning, “Because I’d like a dance when you’re done with your drink.” And with that, before Calum has a chance to say yes or no, Dan turns and leaves, exiting the roped off area and disappearing into the crowd.

Calum returns to Luke once he collects himself.

“Took you long enough,” Luke says, uncrossing his arms to take one of the drinks Calum is holding, “Thanks, though.”

“Sorry,” Calum takes a sip of his drink, then says, “Ronnie was getting more beer. It took forever.”

“Ronnie?” Luke looks confused.

“Oh, right,” Calum catches himself, “The owner. And the bartender.”

“I didn’t know you knew him,” Luke frowns slightly.

“Nah, Dan told me his name,” Calum takes another sip of his drink.

“Dan?” Luke raises his eyebrows.

“The guy I was talking to at the bar,” Calum is really not used to knowing people that Luke doesn’t. (He’s also pretty distracted right now.)

“Oh. Him. I think he wanted to hook up with you,” Luke says…accusingly?

“Yeah?” Calum can’t stop himself from grinning, “He said he wanted to dance with me.”

“Did he?” Luke doesn’t look nearly as excited about this as Calum is.

“Yes,” Calum falters at Luke’s lack of enthusiasm, “Is that bad?”

Luke suddenly smiles, saying brightly, “Of course not! You should go. Dance with him, I mean.”

“I don’t know where he went,” Calum bites his lip.

“Just go start dancing,” Luke suggests, “He’ll probably be looking for you, since he asked for a dance, you know.”

“Are you sure?” Calum asks suddenly (because he really still cares about Luke the most), “I don’t want to leave you all alone.”

“I’ll go find some bird to flirt with until the lads are ready to go, no worries, yeah?”

And okay, the way Calum’s stomach drops definitely means he’s still painfully in like with Luke. But that doesn’t mean he can’t forget about him for a while and try and focus on someone else, right?

“Okay, go have fun,” Calum nods.

“You too.”

Calum downs the rest of his drink, leaving the empty glass on a nearby table, and moves through the people to the dance floor. A remix of Sick Muse by Metric comes on, and he’s only been dancing for a minute when he feels hands on his hips and Dan’s voice in his hear, “You didn’t tell me you could dance, too.”

“Hardly.”

And then they dance. And it’s the most fun Calum’s had this week. He allows himself to stop caring, just for the time being, lets himself move to the music and to Dan and he doesn’t think about Luke or liking Luke or Luke not liking him. He’s sweaty and a little buzzed and Dan’s lips are _really_ nice so when Everlasting Light by The Black Keys comes on and Dan leans down, pressing his lips against Calum’s, Calum kisses him back.

Calum’s never kissed a guy before (third grade dares hardly count) and it’s very different from any of the girls he’s ever kissed. Dan’s lips are very soft though, and he definitely knows what he’s doing. Calum kisses him sloppily, and he’s probably doing a terrible job of it, but Dan seems  happy enough (he doesn’t pull away or anything, so that’s a plus). His hand slips from Calum’s waist to his ass, simultaneously biting Calum’s lower lip. He parts Calum’s mouth with his tongue, and Calum doesn’t even think, he just enjoys it, loves it, wants more of it. Then Dan pulls away, just enough to speak.

“Wanna get out of here?”

 


	3. let me in the wall you’ve built around, we can light a match and burn it down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum has a one night stand. luke won't tell anybody what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, so basically this chapter is kind of random. but it needs to happen to set other stuff up, so i hope it's somewhat enjoyable. do you guys want me to continue this? let me know what you think in the comments. xoxo

“Wanna get out of here?” Dan’s voice is low and sexy, it sends shivers down Calum’s spine.

“Y-yes,” Calum stutters nervously. He’s  not really sure what he wants, but this seems like it could be right, “Lemme just tell my friends I’m leaving, yeah?”

Dan nods, “I’ll meet you out front. My place is only a few blocks away.”

Calum gives him a smile and then he turns to find everyone else. It’s loud and hot and his heart is pounding nervously but he’s also excited. By the time he finds Michael and Luke sitting at a table on the other side of the building, he can’t stop himself from grinning.

“What happened to finding some birds to flirt with?” Calum elbows Luke teasingly.

“Luke, here, is being a terrible downer, and I’m afraid the ladies just aren’t feelin’ the vibe,” Michael shakes his head dramatically, mock sad.

“I am not being a downer,” Luke huffs indignantly, crossing his arm, “I’m not in the mood, okay? I told you, you don’t have to hang with me. Go and pick up some _ladies_.”

“What kind of a friend would that make me?” Michael points out, “’m not ditching you, Mate.”

Luke eyes Calum, “Had fun dancing, then?”

“Yeah, it was awesome!” Calum is pretty sure he’s imagining the judgmental tone in Luke’s voice.

“I bet it was,” Luke raises his eyebrows. (Okay maybe Calum isn’t imagining it.)

When it becomes clear that Luke, nor Michael (who looks slightly confused by the interaction), isn’t going to say anything, Calum tries again, “I’m, um, actually getting out of here…I’m going home with…someone.”

Michael smirks, giving Calum a thumbs up, “Have fun. But not too much fun. We don’t want you to leave the band for some random girl.”

Girl, guy…same thing, right?

“Don’t worry, no sex could ever turn me away from the good ol’ band,” Calum jokes.

“That’s…that’s kind of sad Calum,” Michael retorts.

“Piss off,” Calum flips him off, “I’m leaving. Tell the other guys I’ll see ‘em later?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Michael waves him away, “Go do your thing, Tiger.”

“Never call me that again,” Calum responds, turning to Luke.

“Go have fun, Cal,” Luke smiles at him and Calum’s pretty sure it seems forced. He makes a mental note to talk to Luke when he gets home. (He also realizes that they’ve been doing way too much talking lately and way too little of their usual Calum and Luke thing.)

Regardless, Calum smiles back, and then he shoves his way to the entrance to the club. Outside, the cool air feels refreshing, and he immediately spots Dan, leaning against the building and smoking a cigarette.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Dan motions to the cigarette when he spots Calum, “It’s kind of an addiction.”

“No worries,” Calum shrugs, “Lots of my mates do.” (Lots of his mates being four fifths of One Direction.)

“Cool,” Dan grins, “Shall we?”

He offers his arm to Calum, who starts laughing, “Are you serious?”

“I’m trying to make up for not shaking your hand earlier,” Dan says, very seriously, and then in a very pompous voice, “Will you allow me to escort you back to my humble abode?”

“No fucking way, Mate,” Calum says, still laughing.

“Fine,” Dan shrugs, and then he takes off, “Race you back to my place!”

“I don’t even know where you live!” Calum calls back, but Dan’s gaining distance on him, so he starts running after him anyway.

By the time Calum catches up with Dan he’s breathing hard and both of them stop to catch their breaths. “I never thought I’d have to work this hard for sex,” Calum says in between gasps.

Dan laughs in return, “Thought I’d be easy, then?”

“You _did_ invite me back to your place,” Calum shoots back, “I wouldn’t even let you buy me a drink.”

“Touché,” Dan’s eyes make Calum wonder if it’s possible for eyes to legitimately twinkle, “My place is just up here.”

Calum follows Dan inside a small flat complex. They climb up three flights of stairs, which is somewhat of a stretch considering they just ran at least four blocks. There’s a small red door with the paint peeling off and a black number six on a bronze plaque at the top.

Dan pulls a ring of keys out of his jacket pocket and Calum is suddenly overcome with nervousness. He grabs Dan’s arm, pausing him in unlocking the door, “Wait.”

“Is everything okay?” Dan at least has the decency to look concerned. Calum is pretty sure he just wants a good fuck, even if he is a nice guy.

“I’ve um,” Calum looks down at his shoes, “I’ve never had sex with, ya know…a guy…before…” He raises his head slightly to gauge Dan’s reaction.

“Well, do you want to?” Dan asks casually, like it isn’t a big deal, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of Calum.

“Yes,” Calum says, “I think so.”

“I’ll go easy on you then, okay?” Calum has decided that Dan is Jesus reincarnated in the form of a tall Italian dude.

“Thanks,” Calum murmurs. Dan turns back to the door and unlocks it. He places his hand on Calum’s lower back, ushering Calum through the door. Dan joins Calum, closing the door behind him. He takes off his jacket, but doesn’t turn on the light. Instead he moves towards Calum, pushing Calum’s own jacket off his shoulders and leaning in, to press their lips together.

Despite being nervous, Calum leans into the kiss, helping Dan the rest of the way with his jacket. It falls to the floor and he lets his hands trail under Dan’s shirt and up his torso, because he may be nervous as hell but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna fucking enjoy this.

They both kick off their shoes and then Calum’s moving his lips to Dan’s neck and Dan makes a noise of approval and his hand is reaching down, palming Calum through Calum’s tight black jeans and Calum stops thinking, really, just _moremoremore_.

“Where the fuck is your bedroom?” Calum doesn’t care how horny he sounds, but he can’t think of anything he wants more right now than Dan’s hands all over him (except maybe Luke’s hands, but really, what can you do?).

+

Calum wakes up to a small room and an arm draped over his shoulder. There’s a large amount of light pouring in a window that is lacking any sort of curtain, and Calum panics for approximately 3.453 seconds before he remembers where he is and _holy shit_. (He had sex with a dude. _He had sex with a dude_.)

Doing his best to not disturb the sleeping Italian man lying next to him, Calum slips out of bed and locates his pants, pulling his phone out.

Mikey 9:31 _(2) Missed Calls  
_ Ash-hole 9:38 _(1) Missed Call  
_ Lukey 9:40 _(5) Missed Calls  
_ Lukey 9:45 _where are u????  
_ Lukey 9:47 _we’re recording at ten_  
Mikey 9:50 _cal get ur dick away from that girl and ur ass to the studio_

Calum’s phone says it’s 9:56. Shit. He texts back a quick ‘on my way’ to Michael, hoping he’ll relay the message to everyone else, then pulls on his jeans. He’s attempting to locate his shirt, when Dan wakes up.

“You leaving?” Oops. That’s usually not part of the hookup routine.

“Uh, yeah,” Calum spots his shirt on a chair by the window, “I’ve got a recording session, actually. In, um, three minutes.”

“Can I at least get your number?” Dan asks, his voice is groggy, considering he just woke up, but his hair is sticking up in a way that is very attractive and if Calum didn’t have somewhere to be he _might_ just have-

“Right, um, sure,” Calum pulls his shirt on and he tries not to think about the time as Dan figures out his phone, before handing it to Calum. He’s already embarrassingly late, really, because there’s no way he’s going to be able to find a cab in this area of London and he doesn’t have any other form of transportation available at the moment. But instead of thinking about how the hell he’s going to get to the recording studio, he types his number into Dan’s phone and wonders if the guy is actually going to give him a call. Calum’s not sure he would, if he was in Dan’s shoes. (But that’s mainly because Calum is sort of a mess, and he probably isn’t the most appealing person Dan’s ever had sex with.)

“I’ll…see you around?” Calum hands Dan’s phone back to him.

“Yeah,  definitely Calum, have fun being a rock star,” Dan grins, then flops back onto his pillow. Calum takes this as his cue to leave so finds his jacket, by the door, and lets himself out. He stops to text Michael, asking for the address.

Mickey 10:02 _you absolute shit_  
Mickey 10:02 _13 crescent gardens_

As Calum expected, the difficult part is finding the cab, and he’s honestly shocked that he succeeds in this task, but by the time he’s in the passenger seat and told the driver the address it’s 10:27.

Ash-hole 10:30 _jesus christ cal  
_ Ash-hole 11:00 _you are literally an hour late_

When they pull into The Chapel Studios parking lot, Calum hands the cab driver an amount of money that is probably way too much before the car has even stopped, and he rushes into the studio, nearly tripping at the door. The receptionist smiles at him uncertainly, but she politely directs him to the right room when he asks.

He finds the boys in said room. There’s an assortment of furniture in the section of the room with all the dials and technology that Calum’s never really understood, and, like all recording studios, there’s a piece of glass separating this room from the recording room. Luke is sitting on a spinning office chair, tapping his foot impatiently and biting his lip, Ashton is sitting on a stool, twirling his drumsticks, and Michael is lounging on a tan colored couch.

“I am _so_ sorry,” Calum says, entering the room. He can already feel his face heating up.

“Does this count as the walk of shame?” Michael asks casually, “I think this counts as the walk of shame.”

“It definitely counts as the walk of shame,” Ashton agrees.

Calum chooses to ignore these comments, eager to _not_ talk about last night’s escapades, “So where’s the guy who does all the recordings?”

“After about thirty minutes of waiting he decided to go get us some coffee,” Luke informs him, spinning around in his chair.

“So was this lovely lady worth it?” Michael asks expectantly and fuck it-

“It was a dude,” -if they’re going to talk about it, he might as well be honest.

It’s quiet for half a moment and then Michael jumps up from the couch, “I fucking _knew_ it! You totally had a crush on Jacob Boyer I _so fucking knew it_.”

“I did _not_ have a crush on Jacob Boyer-” Calum starts but Luke cuts him off.

“You had a crush on Jacob Boyer?” Luke’s eyebrows raise nearly to his hairline.

“Dude he so fucking had a crush on Jacob Boyer,” Michael grins at Luke.

“Who the fuck is Jacob Boyer?” Ashton asks; he looks confused.

“He’s this guy that went to our school,” Calum says quickly, and he’s pretty sure he’s the color of a fucking tomato, “But I _so did not_ have a crush on him.”

“I dunno man, you’re blushing like crazy,” and Ashton is grinning now too, “Seems to me like you had a crush on this kid.”

“I hate all of you,” Calum lies face down on the couch. He turns his head slightly to see all of the boys looking at him, and fuck maybe this wasn’t a good idea, “But you guys…don’t care?”

“Cal I don’t give a shit who you fuck, as long as you don’t make a habit of being an hour late,” Ashton shrugs, “Now sit up, I want a seat on the couch.”

“I second that,” Michael picks up his guitar as Calum makes room for Ashton.

And then Calum’s life becomes sort of like a movie in regards to timing because the guy who does the recording shit returns at that specific moment, carrying Starbucks.

“Look who decided to turn up?” The guy comments, but he’s smiling so Calum gets up and introduces himself. The guy’s name is Mark.

The recording goes pretty great from there. They’re running three new tracks today, three potential tracks for the album, so they’re all a little bit nervous. But they’re also all very excited and everything goes pretty smoothly until they start recording Lost Boy. And then it’s Luke’s turn to record again and he just…doesn’t do his Luke thing. The weird part is, he’s being doing fine up to this point.

“Shit sorry, can we just run that again?” Luke bites his lip.

“That’s the seventh time,” Mark says, “You need to take a break? We’ve been working all morning. I get it if your voice is a little tired.”

Luke shakes his head no.

Ashton frowns slightly, muttering to Calum and Michael, “Is he okay?”

“I mean he seemed a little off earlier,” Michael purses his lips, “But I kinda figured it was cause he was excited to record.”

“Wasn’t something up last night, though?” Calum asks, suddenly remembering his conversation with Michael and Luke before he’d left with Dan.

“Yeah,” Michael looks over at Luke as he starts singing again. He gets halfway through the verse before his voice falls flat and he shakes his head, stopping again, “He wouldn’t talk to me, though. Just kept insisting he was fine.”

“Yeah but Luke always insists that he’s fine,” Ashton’s frown has grown deeper.

“Can I just run it one more time?” Luke asks. He looks frustrated.

“You guys made up, right?” Michael looks back at Calum.

“What? Yeah. We were totally cool. We are totally cool,” Calum kind of feels like frowning as well.

“Hey, Luke, buddy,” Ashton calls, “You wanna take a break?”

“No guys, I can get this,” Luke insists, “I don’t know why I keep fucking up.”

The self-deprecation is concerning to all three of them. They all look at each other.

“I’ll be right back,” Calum murmurs to Ashton and Michael. He turns to Mark, “Can you like, turn off the sound for a minute, or something?” Mark nods and Calum makes his way into the part of the recording studio where Luke is.

“I’m fine, Calum, I promise,” Luke says immediately, once Calum closes the door, “My voice just sounds like shit today.”

“Okay first of all, that’s bullshit,” Calum says, because it doesn’t take having a crush on Luke to know that his voice _does not_ sound like shit.

“I’ve rerecorded this verse eight times,” Luke says flatly.

“You’re just nervous, yeah? Try not to overthink it,” Calum sits down, leaning his back against the wall and he pats the floor next to him, motioning for Luke to do the same, “You’re stressing yourself out.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke sits next to Calum and rests his head between his knees, muffling his voice, “I’m holding everything up.”

“Hey, Luke,” Calum bumps his knees against Luke’s, “What’s up, man?”

“Oh I don’t know, it might have something to do with the fact that I can’t get a simple fucking song right?” he answers bitterly and the change in persona, from apologetic to sarcastic, kind of catches Calum of guard.

Luke rarely gets like this, and really, they all have their bad days, but Calum does not want to do this right now.

“Okay we’re taking a break,” Calum stands up, “Get up.”

“I don’t need to take a break Calum,” Luke says, annoyed, “I just need to get the fucking song correct.”

“You need to take a break,” Calum says stubbornly.

“No,” Luke crosses his arms, “I don’t.”

Calum raises his eyebrows, daring Luke to challenge him further.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Luke huffs.

“ _I’m_ being ridiculous?” Calum nearly laughs, but he’s pretty sure that would just piss of Luke more right now so he refrains from doing so, “Are you listening to yourself?”

With that he grabs Luke’s wrist and pulls him out of the recording studio, back into the room where Michael, Ashton, and Mark are waiting.

“We’re taking a break,” Calum announces. Michael and Ashton both look like they want to say something, but know that they shouldn’t. “And we’re getting pizza,” he decides, “does anybody want some?”

“Why don’t we just order one here,” Luke says through gritted teeth, “so I can keep recording?”

“That’s a terrible idea, Luke,” Michael says enthusiastically.

“See?” Calum is grateful for Michael’s support, “We’re gonna take a little walk, get some delicious cheese pizza, and _then_ you can record!”

“Dairy is bad for your voice,” Luke is glaring at Calum.

“That’s a myth,” Ashton says quickly.

“No it’s not,” Luke is now glaring at Ashton.

“Okay, we’re leaving now,” Calum says loudly before Luke has time to say anything else. He pulls Luke into the main entrance of the studio, nodding politely to the receptionist before they leave the building.

“Calum, you’re being ridiculous,” Luke yanks his wrist out of Calum’s grip, but he continues walking, so Calum counts that as a plus.

“I think I saw a pizza place on the way over here,” Calum ignores Luke’s comment, “Just a couple blocks away.”

“On the way over here from your hookup?” Luke asks, and Calum is surprised at the harshness in his voice.

He stops walking, frowning at Luke, “Is that what you’re upset about?”

“Of course I’m not upset about that,” Luke rolls his eyes, “Why would I be upset about that?”

But he sounds…upset. And Calum is very confused.

“Okay, what the fuck is up, then?” Calum is not letting this go.

“Nothing’s fucking up,” Luke insists.

“You know I seem to recall having this exact same conversation with you yesterday,” Calum is really trying to keep his voice level, “And you kept going on about how everything would be better if I just told you what was going on. That’s a little bit hypocritical, don’t you think?”

“Fuck you, I don’t need this right now,” Luke begins walking back to the recording studio.

“I’m just trying to help you!” Calum exclaims, grabbing Luke’s wrist again and forcing him to stay. Sometimes Luke makes him want to rip his hair out.

“You’re not helping,” Luke mutters.

“Okay fine,” Calum begins walking away from the studio, pulling Luke with him, “We’re not gonna talk about it. You’re not gonna tell me why you haven’t been sleeping well. Or why you haven’t felt like partying or flirting. And you’re not gonna tell me what’s putting you off so much that it’s messing with your fucking ability to sing. Or why you were fine about an hour ago and are suddenly not fine at all. In fact, we’re going to pretend that you are fine. And we’re going to get some fucking pizza. And you’re going to stop treating the rest of us like shit, which is exactly what you were accusing me of yesterday, if I recall correctly. Sound good?”

Luke’s only response is something under his breath which sounds vaguely familiar to “Fuck off”, but Calum isn’t sure.

They walk the rest of the way to the pizza place in silence, and Calum’s trying to not let anything get to him, but it’s _really_ getting to him. The blissful mood from last night has definitely worn off, and he kind of just want to go find another guy to hook up with. It’s much less complicated than _feelings_ and shit.

And he wonders when it started getting like this, when everything got complicated. Because it didn’t used to be like this. They’ve always dealt with stress with each other. And of course they’ve always had their off days, where they really didn’t want to interact with anybody, and sure…Luke had always taken an excess amount of coaxing into talking about whatever he was feeling, but it wasn’t like they fought about it. Even on the rare occasions that Luke _has_ acted like how he is now, it still wasn’t ever like this.

Calum decides to eat his and Luke’s pizza at the pizza place, then order everyone else’ pizza once they’ve finished, so, ignoring the fact that Luke refuses to actually take a bite, Calum tries again, calmer this time, “Luke, can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Luke studies Calum, and it kinda seems like he’s actually going to talk, but then he says quietly, “Nothing’s wrong, Calum.”

“I hate going in circles with you,” Calum says honestly. He wishes Luke would just open up. Calum’s pretty sure even he wasn’t this stubborn, but yesterday sort of feels like a century ago so he can’t really compare.

“Then stop asking,” Luke says simply. He takes a sip of water.

“Are you mad at me?” Calum tries. Maybe Luke will fall for the same tactics he used on Calum.

“Nope.”

“Promise you’ll stop putting yourself down?”

“I’m not putting myself down.”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not.”

“Luke.”

“Calum.”

+

They end up throwing away their pizza, and then waiting in silence for the pizza for Ashton and Michael. Calum is exhausted by the time they return to the studio and he’s pretty sure he’s accomplished absolutely nothing.

“I have no fucking clue, guys,” Calum says quietly to Ashton and Michael, who are now eating their pizza. Luke’s already back to recording and Calum doesn’t really know what to do, “I mean I know he gets like this sometimes but this is weird.”

Ashton just shakes his head, “Let’s just hope he’s satisfied with this recording. We’ll talk to him later but I’m pretty sure it’ll go over better if he’s happy with the finished product.”

“With the way he’s been acting, I highly doubt he’s going to be happy with the finished product,” Calum says back.

+

They end up rescheduling the recording session. Calum and Michael basically drag Luke out of the studio, and Luke grudgingly helps them pack up their stuff. Mark seems pretty understanding of the whole situation, but that doesn’t stop Ashton from profusely apologizing.

Luke stares out the window the entire car ride back to their flat, ignoring Ashton, Michael, and Calum who are trying to silently communicate with each other.

When they reach the flat, Luke goes straight to his room, so Ashton calls a meeting in his own.

“What the fuck, guys?” Ashton says, once Michael’s shut the door and they’re all gathered on Ashton’s bed.

And Calum really has no fucking clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR'S UPDATE: lol i'm going camping on sunday so i'll either update on wednesday or next sunday. xoxo


	4. circles, we're going in circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ashton and michael are obviously the love gurus of the band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here are 3,425 beautiful words for my beautiful readers who still love me even though there wasn't an update last week and this week's update is coming a day late. i hope you enjoy. xoxo

“Luke?” Calum is sitting on the couch, alone, with nothing but a blanket. It’s dark out by now; Ashton’s gone to bed and Michael’s gone to watch Netflix in his bedroom. Calum’s flipping aimlessly through the channels on the flat’s TV and he’s pondering how one can possibly need a TV so large when he hears footsteps coming from the hallway leading to the bedrooms. He turns around, expecting a hungry Michael or an Ashton looking for a quieter TV and is instead met with a sleepy looking Luke.

“Hey, Cal,” Luke mumbles, rubbing his eyes. He’s wearing sweats and a loose t-shirt that shows his collarbones and his hair is sticking up in odd angles.

“How ya feeling, L?” Calum motions for Luke to sit down next to him. Luke hesitates, than comes over to Calum and joins him under the blanket. Calum wraps his arm around Luke, who snuggles against Calum’s chest.

He hopes Luke isn’t listening to his heartbeat.

“’m fine,” Luke mumbles.

Calum frowns, “Luke-”

“I was just frustrated, yeah?” Luke interrupts, “Nothing else was- is wrong.”

Calum takes a deep breath. There’s no point in pressing the issue right now, “Okay.”

Luke visibly relaxes against Calum, “So what’re you watching, then?”

“Nothin’ really, I’m a little distracted. Been worrying my arse off over my best mate,” Calum murmurs, giving Luke a small smile. The thing is he _knows_ Luke is lying but he feels like all attempts he’s making to find out what _is_ wrong are futile.

“Stop worrying,” Luke says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world to do, “You don’t need to worry about me, Calum.”

“I’m always going to worry about you,” Calum says softly.

Luke doesn’t respond to this, and Calum begins to worry that he went too far, said something that’ll help Luke figure it all out, but Luke doesn’t pull away. He continues lying with his head right next to Calum’s heart. Calum focuses on slowing down his breathing.

“So you never did tell me how things went with Dan,” Luke says after a moment. This really isn’t where Calum was expecting the conversation to go, but he’s pretty sure Luke is smirking against his chest and he can feel his own face heating up.

“Piss off,” Calum opts for as a response.

Luke laughs (Calum loves making Luke laugh), “Cal, you had sex _with a dude_. What was _that_ like?”

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you wanted to find out,” Calum shoots back and now it’s Luke’s turn to blush.

“Piss off.”

“Exactly.”

“But seriously, this is like losing your v-card all over again,” Luke insists and Calum is _so not_ going to talk about his sex life with Luke.

“Luke, you sound like my mum,” Calum responds.

“I’m you’re best mate,” Luke huffs, “Just doing my best mate duties. Don’t girls do this shit all the time? You’re supposed to give me all the details and-”

“Lucas fucking Hemmings,” Calum says loudly, “I am going to politely invite you to stop talking.”

“Hey!” Luke pokes Calum’s stomach, “You were way more nosy when I did it with Claire.”

“Yeah, cause you were _fifteen_ and you were, like, the most unlikely guy to get laid in our entire school,” Calum remembers that. He remembers the funny feeling in his gut when Luke had told him, and looking back, he was so obviously jealous, even then.

“Really? The most unlikely?” Luke snorts, “That’s harsh.”

“Fifteen year old you was like a baby opossum,” Calum shrugs.

“I’m offended,” Luke says grumpily.

“Hey, don’t worry, you could get laid now,” Calum reassures him. (This totally isn’t flirting.)

“Are you indirectly complimenting my dashing appearance?” Luke snickers.

“Considering you just used the word dashing to describe yourself, I no longer am,” Calum resolves. (This might be flirting.)

“I dunno, mate, I’ve caught you staring at my fantastic arse before,” Luke grins.

“Hardly.” (This is definitely flirting.)

“Let’s go to sleep,” Luke decides, “I’m tired.” But he doesn’t make to move from where he’s lying against Calum.

“That requires getting up, though,” Calum points out. He really is very comfortable. It’s warm and Luke’s head is rested on his chest. He has one arm wrapped around Luke and Luke is now running his fingers up and down Calum’s forearm. Really the only thing Calum can think of that would be better than this is if Luke leaned up and kissed him, but that’s not exactly a possibility so Calum can deal with this as the next best thing.

“Who said anything about getting up?” Luke questions, “I’m going to sleep right here. You make for a very nice pillow.”

Calum laughs, “Well, then, I guess I don’t have much of a say in the matter.”

“Nope,” Luke pops the ‘p’ and Calum can’t really think of anything else to say, so he settles for listening to Luke’s breathing, evening out and eventually slowing to that of someone asleep. Calum closes his eyes, but he doesn’t want to fall asleep. He has a happy Luke sleeping against him and he’s not in any rush for that to be over.

+

When Calum wakes up Luke is still pressed against his chest. There’s grey light seeping into the living room and he hears Michael and Ashton conversing in soft voices in the kitchen. Luke’s eyes are closed and his mouth is hanging open slightly. Calum is slightly disoriented; this is the second day in a row that he hasn’t woken up in his own bed. Obviously the reasons _why_ he hasn’t woken up in his own bed are both very different, but he’s beginning to notice a trend.

“Morning,” Ashton walks into the living room with a bowl of what Calum presumes to be cereal.

“Hey,” Calum responds, his voice groggy.

“Have a nice sleep?” Ashton asks, eyebrows raised. He gives Calum this look and it’s like he _knows_.

“As good as a sleep as you can have on a sofa,” Calum says, doing his best to sound casual.

“That is so not what I meant,” Ashton smirks. Okay he definitely knows.

Calum clears his throat loudly, “So what time is it?”

“Half past eleven,” Ashton shrugs, “Mikey and I were thinking of going downtown later. It’s kind of cloudy out so hopefully it won’t rain, but he wants to get some new video game that just came out and I need to restock my t-shirts. They always disappear on tour.”

“Luke, mate, it’s all Luke,” Calum says, “He has a terrible habit of stealing other people’s clothes.”

“I’m pretty sure _you’re_ the one wearing _my_ shirt right now,” Luke mumbles against Calum, “Hypocrite.”

 “Morning Luke! Have a nice sleep?” Ashton grins, and then he winks, he fucking _winks_ , at Calum.

Luke nods, “Calum is very good pillow.”

Calum glares at Ashton, who chuckles as Michael comes into the living room.

“I’m showering, then we should go,” Michael informs them, “I really wanna try out the new FIFA game and Harry’s coming over later to play it with me.”

“Don’t use all the hot water,” Ashton orders.

“Whatever you say, Daddy,” Michael shrugs. Calum can feel Luke grinning against his chest and he smiles as well.

“Fuckin’ pricks,” Ashton mutters, stalking back into the kitchen. Michael shrugs, turning to go shower.

“It’ll grow on you Ash!” he calls to Ashton before he disappears down the hallway.

“I have as little desire to move as I did last night,” Luke admits to Calum.

Calum groans, “I feel like I’ve been sitting on this couch for years. And let me tell you something, sleeping _while_ sitting up is horribly uncomfortable.”

“But it’s with me, so is that really so bad?” Luke points out cheekily.

“Stop flirting and go get ready!” Ashton calls from the kitchen.

“Piss off!” Calum yells back. He turns to Luke, hoping to gauge his reaction, although, to be fair, Ashton’s _always_ made jokes about them flirting or dating. Luke has closed his eyes again and Calum really is starting to believe that he makes a good pillow, “So are you planning on getting up any time soon?”

“Not really,” Luke stretches, then shifts so that his head is resting in Calum’s lap.

“You might have to fight Ash on that one, then,” Calum warns him.

Luke scrunches up his face in disagreement.

“What if I start tickling you?” Calum asks mischievously.

Luke gasps dramatically, “You wouldn’t.”

“I’m a changed man, Lucas,” Calum grabs Luke’s sides, squeezing right where he knows Luke is ticklish. Luke lets out a mixture between a squeal and a yelp, immediately trying to escape from Calum. He struggles to get out of Calum’s gasp for a moment. As soon as he gets free he jumps up from the couch and Calum grins at him, satisfied.

Luke glares at him, “How could you?”

Calum grabs a pillow from the couch and throws it at Luke, who tries to catch it but ends up fumbling it and dropping it. Calum stands up,  going over to Luke and patting him on the shoulder, “Like I said, Skywalker, I’m a changed man.”

Luke sticks out his lower lip, pouting, “If we’re going to be making Star Wars references then you’ve clearly gone to the dark side.”

+

The shop looks pretty ominous, if Calum’s being honest. It’s a small, hipster-esque brick building, with dark lighting inside, and it’s hidden between a fancy looking restaurant and an athletic wear shop.

“Trust me, Zayn said this is the best place for graphic tees,” Ashton says. A bell alerts their presence as they walk into the building, the door swinging shut loudly behind them.

“I feel like I just walked into a hipster blog,” Michael comments, looking around the building. It’s kind of like Urban Outfitters, Calum notices, except the intensity of everything has been multiplied by twenty. Ashton wasn’t lying, though; Calum spots a whole shelf of graphic tees that he would wear home within ten seconds of being in the shop.

“You got your video game,” Ashton shushes Michael, “Quit complaining.”

“Cal, this would look good on you,” Luke holds up a dark green v-neck, “Medium, right?”

“Are we trying stuff on, too?” Calum questions, walking over to Luke and examining the shirt.

“Ashton has a point, we _should_ stock up for touring,” Luke shrugs, then hands Calum the shirt, “Plus, you should buy this.”

“Fine, but only if you try stuff on too,” Calum conditions, because he sees the same version of the shirt Luke picked out for him, except in navy blue and really he can’t help but noticing how it would complement Luke’s eyes. He picks it up and hands it to Luke, “Medium, right?”

Luke sticks his tongue out at Calum, but he takes the shirt from him nonetheless and after thirty minutes of wandering around the shop, they end up outside the dressing rooms.

A guy with purple hair and Costello glasses greets them, “Hey guys, so we only have one room open right now. You guys can share a room if you’re cool with that.”

Calum can be cool with this. Calum _is_ cool with this.

Luke shrugs, “Yeah sure, we have eleven.”

Calum looks at the two shirts in his hand, then at Luke- who’s hands are full- incredulously, “How many did you take?”

“Do the math,” Luke says as the guy leads them to the last dressing room open, “or did you not get that far in school before you dropped out?” He turns around and smiles sweetly at Calum, who glares at him in return.

“Smartass,” Calum mutters. Following Luke into the room indicated by Costello dude. Luke locks the door and immediately pulls off his shirt and _okay_ Calum might not have been totally cool with this. The thing is, Luke is _really_ fit. Like, he’s already got the gorgeous blue eyes going for him and the pouty lips which are certainly not made any less attractive by his lip ring. But then there’s the fact that he’s worked out just enough that his abdomen has actual definition leading right down to a perfect V that disappears into jeans hung noticeably low on his hips. So, like, Calum has seen Luke shirtless before, but this is different. This time Calum is fully aware of how he feels about Luke and sure he’s been freaking out about the emotional attraction to Luke but right now he is _very_   aware of the physical attraction. (It’s one hundred percent there.)

“You gonna try those on?” Luke pulls on one of the many shirts he picked out, raising his eyebrows at Calum, who’s neglected to really do anything.

“Right. Yes,” Calum pulls his own shirt off, suddenly wondering when the last time he worked out was. Luke is staring at him, “What?”

“Um,” Luke laughs slightly, “was Dan fond of love bites?”

Calum looks down at his own hips, noticing multiple faded hickeys, which he had somewhat forgotten about up to that point. “He might have been,” he responds smugly.

“You know what?” Luke says suddenly, “I changed my mind from last night. I do _not_ want to hear about your sex life.”

“You asked,” Calum shrugs and puts on the shirt Luke picked out for him, “How do I look?”

“You don’t have a choice. You have to buy it,” Luke informs him. He examines himself in the mirror, then frowns and takes his own shirt off again.

“That looks good on you too,” Calum grins.

Luke looks at him, confused, “I don’t have a shirt on right now.”

“Exactly,” Calum says, trying on his other shirt. He’s not really sure where the sudden burst of confidence came from, but this is how he’s always acted with Luke, so it’s not like he’s giving himself away. He’s just acting normally, which is exactly what Luke wants him to do. (Right?)

“Real smooth, Cal,” Luke rolls his eyes, “Really. Give yourself a pat on the back.”

“Are you guys having sex in there? What’s taking so long?” Michael asks loudly, knocking on the door.

“Mikey,” Calum says, “We’ve literally been in here for five minutes.”

“I am very desperate to go back to the flat and play this game,” Michael informs them, “Five minutes feels unnaturally long right now.”

“Fair enough,” Luke says, “We’ll be out in a few. Calum just has to finish giving me this blowjob.”

“To much information!” Michael says, his voice growing fainter as he apparently walks away from the dressing room.

“I feel like we should count how many couple jokes Mikey makes about us,” Luke reflects thoughtfully.

“It happens too often,” Calum sighs dramatically, “I don’t think it’s humanly possible.”

Luke finishes trying on the rest of the shirts he’s picked out, asking Calum for his opinion on each of them. Calum probably isn’t very helpful considering he thinks everything looks good on Luke and he really is much more focused on Luke _without_ a shirt on than Luke _with_ a shirt on. Ashton joins them when Luke’s about halfway through his shirts with ten of his own shirts to try on and they end up taking twenty something more minutes, much to Michael’s dismay.

“Is your main goal in life to spite me?” Michael asks as they exit the dressing room.

“How’d you know?” Calum teases.

Michael sticks his tongue out at Calum, though he’s pleased enough to find a nonexistent line at the checkout. The cashier is a tall, bottled blonde girl wearing a long earth toned skirt and a brown tank top. Her hair is falling in long curls around her shoulders and she has long eyelashes to go with her big blue eyes. Calum definitely can’t deny that she’s pretty. And Luke definitely checks her out.

“Hi,” she says amiably as they approach her, “Did ya find everything you were looking for today?”

“Yes,” Luke grins at her, “Thanks.” The weird thing is, it’s _Luke_. He’s, like, supposed to be shy and bad at talking to girls.

“You’re not from around here, are ya?” Calum notices the girl is chewing gum, and she smacks it when she’s not talking.

“Australia,” Luke informs her.

“’ve always loved Aussies,” the girl smiles flirtatiously at Luke.

“Have you?” Luke gives her the same smile back. Calum turns to Michael, raising his eyebrows. Michael looks very close to making a smartass comment.

The girl smirks at Luke, “So which of you is paying first?”

“I am,” Calum says immediately, placing the one shirt he’s decided to get on the counter. It’s not like he’s _purposely_ cock blocking Luke or anything.

The girl at least has the decency to not look annoyed, “Just this, then?”

“Yep,” Calum says shortly.

Ashton pays next, then Luke is back and leaning against the counter, talking to the girl in a kind of confidence that Calum was totally unaware Luke possessed.

“We’re going to wait outside,” Ashton says hurriedly, apparently noticing the glare that’s formed on Calum’s face. He grabs Calum’s arm and pulls him out of the store, followed closely by Michael.

“Dude,” Ashton says once they’re outside and the door to the shop has closed behind them, “Is that how you’re planning on telling Luke you’re in love with him? Cause I’m pretty sure glaring at every girl he flirts with isn’t the best way to go. I mean Luke can be pretty oblivious. I’m not sure he’ll figure it out if you go about it that way.”

Calum’s mouth quite literally drops open. He stares at Ashton, gathering his composure, “Hang on. I am _not_ in love with Luke.”

“Whatever, you have a crush on him. Same thing,” Ashton says.

“I- I don’t have a crush on him either!” Calum protests.

“Are you sure about that?” Michael chimes in.

“Okay fine, maybe a _little_ bit, but-”

“You looked like you were trying to set that girl on fire,” Michael cuts him off.

“How do you guys even figure this shit out?” Calum really doesn’t see the point in denying anything.

“I mean you told us you liked guys and you’ve been acting strangely around Luke,” Ashton says nonchalantly, “It wasn’t that difficult to go from there.”

“Guys I’m so fucked,” Calum doesn’t really mean to sound as panicky as he does.

“Nah,” Michael pats Calum on the shoulder, “We think he likes you too. And considering that Ash and I are the love gurus of this band, we’re probably right.”

Ashton turns to Michael, “Since when are we the love gurus of the band?”

“Just came up with it,” Michael says, “I think I’m gonna go with it though. I like it.”

“Me too.”

“ _Guys_ ,” Calum says urgently.

“Right,” Ashton turns back to Calum, “Yeah, we think Luke likes you too.”

“Then why was he flirting with the pretty little blonde in the hipster shop?” Calum asks, annoyed.

“To make you jealous?” Michael suggests.

“Well he succeeded,” Calum sulks, crossing his arms.

“Yeah, you’re pretty easily made jealous,” Michael comments.

“He was all over her!” Calum exclaims, trying to defend his honor.

“Look,” Ashton  says calmly, “We’re not saying you’re at fault. You are…justifiably jealous. We’re just saying you should probably confess your undying love for Luke in a less subtle way.”

“I’m not going to confess my- it’s not even undying love- I’m not-” Calum is stuttering and Ashton and Michael are both giving him this annoying, knowing look, “It’s just a crush. And it’s going to go away. Soon, I might add.”

“What’s the fun in that?” Michael questions.

“The fun in _that_ ,” Calum says determinedly, “is that we stay a band and go touring all over the world because I don’t screw everything up by having some stupid little crush, okay? Besides, he doesn’t like me. He’s straight. That’s been made pretty clear, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Ashton shrugs, and they’re both still giving him that fucking look, “Whatever you say, Cal.”

At that moment Luke comes out of the shop, grinning widely, “I got her number.”

Calum shoots a glare at Ashton and Michael, as if to say ‘I told you so’, but neither one seems perturbed. Ashton simply grins back at Calum and then turns to Luke, saying enthusiastically, “Nice job, Mate.”

“And,” Luke adds, “I’m meeting her tomorrow tonight.”

Calum feels himself smile, hears himself say, “Way to go, Lucas.”

It’s starting to rain, like Ashton had predicted (something Calum finds very fitting) and shit. He really needs to find a bar. And someone to go home with.


	5. what's going on in that beautiful mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum has a thing for one night stands but he really just wants it to be luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my god. i am so sorry i didn't update last week. i had terrible writer's block, but i've got it all sorted out now and i believe i know exactly where i want the rest of the fic to go. i hope you thoroughly enjoy this chapter. comments/questions/concerns are always welcome (as well as kudos&constructive criticism). i love you! thank you for reading!

The next two weeks go by in a busy blur of recording sessions, songwriting, and teenage angst. Calum wakes up on Saturday in another stranger’s bed and his head is pounding again. He’d met the guy- he thinks his name is Logan- at a small bar Zayn had recommended to him a while back. It’s probably a bad thing that drunken one night stands have become a routine for Calum, and a professional would probably label it as self-destructive behavior, but he’d much rather have meaningless sex than deal with a crush on his best mate.

It’s late in the afternoon by the time Calum returns home. He’d somehow found himself getting pizza with Dan, which had been a pleasant surprise. It had been nice to talk to someone outside of the band, about normal people things like movies and concerts. He is, however, very glad to get home. Nothing sounds more appealing than clean cloths and a cup of tea.

Calum opens the front door, kicking off his shoes and dropping his jacket on the floor. He sees Ashton and Michael sitting on the couch. They’re talking in hushed voices and both of their faces are filled with concern when they look up at Calum.

“What’s wrong?” Calum asks immediately.

“Luke’s in a mood again,” Ashton says quietly. He runs a hand through his hair, sighing loudly, “like he was the other day.”

“Oh. Shit,” Calum sits down on the coffee table, “Where is he?”

“He’s blasting Mayday Parade in his bedroom,” Michael says, and Calum can hear the faint sound of music coming from down the hall.

“Shit,” Calum repeats, frowning.

“We tried talking to him,” Ashton says, “But, you know Luke. He wouldn’t tell us anything.”

“Maybe you should try talking to him?” Michael suggests.

“Why me?” Calum asks, confused.

“Because you’re _you_ ,” Michael says, as if this explains everything, “You guys have a different sort of relationship.”

“Oh, you mean one where I spend my time pining after him while he remains blissfully oblivious?” Calum says sarcastically, looking at the floor.

“Come off it,” Michael shakes his head, “You know what I mean. He’s closer to you than Ash or me.”

“Fine,” Calum stands up, “But I’m not promising you any results.”

“Just try,” Ashton orders.

Calum walks down the hallway to Luke’s room, opening the door without knocking. He’s not going to give Luke a chance to turn him away.

Luke’s room is messy. There’s clothing thrown on the floor and over various pieces of furniture. Luke himself is on his bed with his computer on his lap. His phone is plugged into a portable speaker and “Miserable At Best” is playing loudly. Upon seeing Calum, Luke reaches for his phone and pauses the song.

“You could’ve knocked,” Luke says, as way of a greeting.

“Then you would’ve told me to go away,” Calum hesitantly walks over to Luke’s bed, still hovering instead of sitting down.

“I can still tell you to go away,” Luke points out.

“I’ll go away if you tell me what’s wrong,” Calum figures he might as well cut to the chase.

“Nothing’s wrong, stop asking me that,” Luke returns sharply.

Calum takes a deep breath and sits down on the bed, eyes on Luke. Luke is staring back at him, his expression challenging, but his eyes… fuck. His eyes sort of make Calum want to smother Luke in blankets and give him cookies and tea. They look so _sad_. Calum wishes he could get into Luke’s mind, wishes he could know what Luke’s thinking. He hates this. He doesn’t want Luke to ever be sad.

“Luke-” Calum reaches out, placing his hand lightly on Luke’s knee, but Luke pushes his hand away.

“I just want to be alone,” Luke says, almost inaudibly, “You don’t understand.”

Calum doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to fight or argue with Luke and he certainly doesn’t want to keep going in circles with him.

“Just talk to me,” Calum pleads.

“I am talking to you,” Luke snaps, “And I’m telling you to leave me alone.”

“You’re impossible,” Calum is trying really hard not to get angry. Really.

“Then why’re you trying?” Luke mutters.

“Because I’m your best mate!” Calum knows he shouldn’t be raising his voice like this, knows it’s not going to get them anywhere, but somehow that doesn’t stop him, “And I fucking care about you.”

“Why-”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I care about you?”  Calum stands up again, and he’s vaguely aware that he’s shouting now, “You can be so ridiculous sometimes, you know that? You think that none of us are going to worry about you when you start putting yourself down and locking yourself up in your room? Of course we care about you! Of course we worry about you! How can you even think that we don’t?”

Luke’s face has gone blank, his eyes cold and glaring up at Calum, “Please leave me alone.”

“Fine,” Calum says, his voice cracking. More firmly, he repeats, “Fine. Whatever, Luke.”

He slams the door loudly behind him on his way out. Ashton and Michael are waiting expectantly in the living room.

“Fuckin’ useless,” Calum shakes his head, “He wouldn’t tell me a thing.”

“You didn’t have to yell at him,” Ashton begins to reprimand Calum.

“It’s not my fault he’s so fucking stubborn all the time,” Calum grumbles.

Before either one has a chance to respond, they hear Luke’s bedroom door open and Luke comes out, heading towards the front door.

“Going somewhere?” Calum grabs Luke by the shoulder, stopping him.

“Out for a bit,” Luke responds shortly.

“Why can’t you just-”

 “Don’t wait up,” Luke interrupts sarcastically, pulling away from Calum’s grip.

Calum shakes his head, going to the kitchen and pulling a beer out of the fridge. He waits until he hears the front door close to return to the living room.

“A bit early, innit?” Ashton asks, raising his eyebrows at the beverage in Calum’s hand.

“Nah, just a pick-me-up,” Calum shrugs, “Let’s go out. I want to be drunk.”

Ashton hesitates, Calum is pretty sure he’s going to protest and insist that Calum talks about his feelings or something like that, but nonetheless, he says, “Sure. Have a place in mind?”

+

The three of them end up at the same place Calum had been the night before. The music is loud and it probably would be the easiest thing in the world to get drunk and go home with someone new. But once they’ve gotten there, Calum loses all previous desire to numb his feelings.

Maybe he’s run himself down. Or maybe he can only sleep with so many people before he has to address the fact that the only person he actually wants to be with is Luke.

+

It’s dark out now, the clock reads that it’s almost three in the morning. Calum thinks maybe he should go to bed, but he has enough alcohol in his system that the emotional side of his brain is beating out the logical side of his brain and the emotional side of his brain is telling him to wait up for Luke (even if Luke explicitly told him not to).

Ashton had ended up going home with a fit redhead he’d started chatting to at the bar; Michael had driven Calum home only to claim exhaustion and a need to return to Netflix.

Calum looks up as he hears the front door open slowly and Luke appears inside a moment later. Calum watches him as he closes the door quietly before slipping off his shoes and jacket.

“Hi,” Calum says, his voice low. He sees Luke jump slightly, startled.

“I told you not to wait up for me,” Luke doesn’t even sound defensive or upset, just tired.

“Where were you?” Calum asks; he doesn’t mean to come off as angry as he does, but he’s been worried. He and Michael had gotten home hours ago and Luke hadn’t been there, nor had he answered his phone, “I called you. A lot.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke really does sound apologetic, “I met up with someone.”

Calum is suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kick something, “Oh.”

“The girl from the shop, actually, from a few weeks ago.” For some reason, Luke feels the need to add this.

Calum wishes he hadn’t.

“Did you sleep with her?” Calum asks bluntly.

“Yes. We took a nice long nap together,” Luke says bitterly, the sarcasm evident in his voice, “What does it matter to you anyway?”

“Just wondering if you’re gonna start shagging every girl you meet,” Calum isn’t sure what’s making him say all of this (probably the alcohol), but he’s pretty sure he’s going to regret it in the morning.

Luke barks out a laugh, but he doesn’t look like he’s finding any of this funny, “That’s rich coming from a guy who’s gone home with someone different every night this week.”

Calum glares at him in response, and he’s met with the same sort of expression from Luke.

Neither of them speak for a moment, and then Luke says quietly, “I didn’t sleep with her, Cal. We just talked. She’s a really good listener, and she helped me figure some shit out.”

Calum feels a momentary relief, and then a whole new wave of anger hits him, “Wow, I’m really glad you found someone to listen to you. It’s not like you’re living in a goddamned flat full people who would do the same. I suppose I’m just impossible to talk to, then?”

“You don’t fucking get it, do you?” Luke’s voice is getting louder.

“Get what?” Calum yells, “Get that you don’t fucking talk to me anymore? Or that I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you? Why won’t you just talk to me? I’m supposed to be your best mate, yet you run off and talk to some random bird you’ve just met instead!”

“It’s not like it’s that simple,” Luke says accusingly, “This isn’t something I can talk to you about.”

“How can whatever problem you have be so bad that you can’t talk to me about it?”

“Calum don’t- you’re drunk,” Luke’s voice has lowered slightly but he’s avoiding looking at Calum.

“It doesn’t matter. Tell me,” Calum moves so that he’s standing right in front of Luke, sharing the same air as him.

“I can’t,” Luke says desperately.

Calum places a hand on Luke’s chest, pushing him up against the wall, and he’s yelling again, “Why not?”

“Let go of me-”

“Why the fuck not?” Calum’s breathing heavy and he hates this; he hates this so, _so_ much.

“Because _you’re_ the problem!” Luke snaps.

Calum releases his hold on Luke just slightly, “What?”

“Because I fucking like you!” Luke yells; he sounds so defeated, “And you go home with a different guy every fucking night and I fucking hate it.”

“You like me?” Calum isn’t sure he’s hearing this correctly.

“Yes,” Luke breathes, “And you wanna know the most pathetic part about it? I can’t even use the excuse that you don’t like me back cause you’re straight. I’m just not good enough.”

Calum can’t hold himself back. He moves his hand from Luke’s chest down to his hips, pushing him harder against the wall, thumb brushing over Luke’s hipbone. He captures Luke’s startled noise in his own mouth as he presses his lips against Luke’s and it must take Luke’s brain a few seconds to figure out what’s going on, but once he does he wastes no time in kissing Calum back. Luke is hesitant at first, like he’s not sure if this is really happening or not, and he kisses Calum slowly. A soft moan escapes his mouth as Calum begins to suck gently on his bottom lip.

Calum pulls away momentarily, “I _never_ said that I didn’t like you back.”

Luke’s eyes are dark with lust and he places his hand on the back of Calum’s neck, pulling him into another kiss. It’s different this time though; there’s less hesitation, less uncertainty. Their lips connect with a new sense of urgency. Calum takes Luke’s bottom lip between his teeth and bites it. He grips Luke tighter, and he’s sure his fingernails are leaving marks. Luke kisses Calum back eagerly and Calum tangles his tongue with the younger boy’s. It’s sloppy and fast and Calum can’t get enough. Luke moves his hand from his neck to his hair, gripping it tightly and pulling and really, Calum should probably be embarrassed by the noise he makes.

Calum reaches down, palming Luke’s growing hard on; Luke gasps against Calum’s mouth and it’s probably one of the hottest things Calum's ever experienced.

“Fuck- Cal,” Luke’s breathing is heavy and he opens his eyes, looking at Calum through huge pupils.

“Bedroom,” Calum manages to get his lips off of Luke’s just long enough to say, “Now.”

They stumble down the hallway, somehow getting into Luke’s room and successfully closing the door. Luke pulls off his shirt, tossing it onto the floor and Calum can’t stop himself from staring. Luke’s lips are puffy, his hair messy, his eyes huge, and his body- fuck. Calum considers it an accomplishment that he hasn’t jumped the boy before now. Luke falls back on his bed, propped up slightly against his pillows and headboard. Calum climbs onto the bed, straddling Luke’s hips. He runs his hands down Luke’s torso, fumbling with the zipper on Luke’s jeans before managing to get it and pull his trousers down, discarding them on the floor along with Luke’s t-shirt. Luke’s arousal is very evident; Calum can’t help from smirking as he grinds down against Luke, causing the boy to emit a loud moan.

Luke tugs Calum’s shirt impatiently, “You’re turn, tough guy.”

Calum laughs slightly, sliding his shirt off over his head. He moves off of Luke for a moment to pull his own jeans off and then he returns, hovering over Luke and he is now very aware that they are both down to their underwear.

Calum leans down trailing his lips along Luke’s jaw, down to his neck. Once he’s sucked multiple dark bruises onto Luke’s neck, he moves down, pressing kisses against Luke’s shoulder, nipple, stomach, lower abdomen. He feels Luke’s heart pounding in his chest and he leans back up, pressing a soft kiss against Luke’s mouth.

“Alright?” Calum mumbles.

Luke nods, his breath shaky. Calum studies Luke’s face, and he knows he’s staring but he can’t help it. He catches Luke’s gaze in his own and he thinks he could probably spend a really long time looking at Luke’s eyes.

“You’re kind of stunning,” Calum murmurs.

The room is dark, but he can faintly make out Luke blushing as he looks away from Calum.

Considering that this gives Calum perfect access to Luke’s neck, he leans down and begins sucking another love bite. Luke hums in agreement and Calum gently squeezes Luke’s side. He feels Luke relax slightly as his hands move down Luke’s torso. Calum moves, so that he’s no longer directly on top of Luke, and so that he effectively is in a better position to get Luke off. He presses his thumbs against Luke’s hipbones, then slides them under the waistband of Luke’s boxers. He hesitates, looking at Luke for permission. Luke nods again and Calum bites his lip to stop himself from grinning. He quickly slides Luke’s boxers off and okay, Luke has a _really_ nice dick.

Calum reaches up again and runs his fingers down Luke’s chest, raising goose bumps across his skin. He moves his hand back down and wipes his thumb across the head of Luke’s dick, spreading the pre-cum teasingly, causing Luke to squirm. Smirking, he wraps his hand around Luke’s shaft, and begins slowly moving his hand. He looks up at Luke, to make sure that everything is okay, and his own dick twitches at the sight; Luke’s got his head thrown back and he looks like a fucking porn star. He’s biting his lip in a way that shouldn’t possibly be so sexy and his eyes are shut tight in pleasure. Taking this as a form of encouragement, Calum continues moving his hand up and down Luke’s dick, slowly increasing the speed. He kisses Luke’s neck, then reaches down with his other hand and begins playing with Luke’s balls. Luke’s breathing quickens as he gets closer to his orgasm and he’s moving his hips up against Calum’s hand, not even attempting to stay still. He’s making these little whiny noises from the back of his throat and then his mouth falls open slightly and Calum watches as Luke’s stomach quivers and he comes.

Calum works him through his orgasm, then captures Luke’s lips in another kiss. It’s less hurried this time, and Luke’s breathing slowly returns to normal.

“Fuck Cal,” Luke looks like he’s fighting a grin, “That was- fuck.”

“I don’t suppose you’d mind returning the favor?” Calum suggests, discarding his own boxers. He’s still desperate for some form of friction or contact.

“Right yeah,” Luke pushes Calum onto his back, flipping their positions so that Luke is now hovering over Calum, “Sorry.”

Luke looks nervous again. It’s kind of (very) endearing.

“Remember to breathe, yeah?” Calum jokes, hoping to calm Luke down.

“I’ve, um, never done this before- like only- um, only getting myself off, so,” Luke ducks his head and Calum would bet a limb that he’s blushing again, “So just tell me if I’m doing something wrong, yeah?”

“Just get on with it, Hemmings. You’re killin’ me.”

“Right,” Luke nods and takes Calum’s dick in his hand. He follows the same motions Calum had used on him and he only takes a few moments to figure out a rhythm that has Calum moaning loud encouragements.

“Fuck- Luke- yes,” Calum knows he should probably be more quiet, because Michael is just next door, but for a beginner Luke really knows how to move his hand the right way and he’s _soso_ close and-

He’s pretty sure his brain short circuits when Luke abruptly stops, his hand suddenly gone.

“Luke,” Calum mumbles, “Stop being such a tease.”

“Um,” Luke chokes and _Jesus Christ, what the fuck_? Calum props himself up on his elbows- maybe he’ll be enlightened on what exactly is so goddamn important at the moment- and he’s met with Michael fucking Clifford standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised with a fucking smirk on his face.

“So,” Michael says and Calum kind of wants to smack him over the head (but he also really wants Luke to finish getting him off and he’s pretty sure the latter is much more important right now).

“Michael I swear to god-” Calum starts. Luke is wearing an expression of horror and he’s staring at the bedpost as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

“Alright, alright,” Michael holds his hands up in defense, “I’m leaving. Luke, you might want to, um, see to that-” he nods towards Calum’s still very hard dick, “-Calum might strangle me otherwise.”

“Get the fuck out,” Calum says loudly.

“Well,” Michael slowly backs out of the room, “I’m glad you two sorted everything out.”

“Michael-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Michael says casually, “Have fun.”

He obnoxiously waltz out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

Calum groans loudly, “Close the fucking door, Michael!”

Michael reappears, grinning widely; Calum is pretty sure he’s never going to live this down. He doesn’t have high hopes for Luke either.

“Right, sorry!” Michael grabs the door handle and slams the door behind.

“Luke-” Calum looks at the other boy, hoping he doesn’t sound too pathetically desperate.

This is all Michael’s fault.

Luke leans down and kisses Calum, returning his hand to where it’d been before they were quite rudely interrupted. Within five minutes Calum’s close again, and once he’s released on Luke’s hand and his chest he falls back onto the pillows. He waits for Luke to wipe his hand off on the sheets, and then snakes his arm around Luke’s waist, pulling him close.

Luke’s head is resting on Calum’s chest, his arm slung over Calum’s torso, and Calum is running his fingers through Luke’s hair. Luke presses a kiss against Calum’s chest; Calum feels Luke’s eyelashes brush against his skin as Luke closes his eyes. Calum tightens his grip on the younger boy, just slightly, almost afraid that Luke won’t be there when he wakes up. His eyelids droop shut and he knows they should both go clean themselves up, but there’s nowhere in the world he’d rather be right now, and he can’t find a single part of himself that wants to change that.


	6. maybe i’m just in love when you wake me up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe sometimes things happen just like they're supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, it's basically monday by now. i'm a terrible procrastinator and the week always goes by so fast. but here's chapter six. i hope you enjoy it. thank you for all the lovely comments on the other chapters. xoxo

Luke wakes up wrapped in Calum’s arms. For a moment, Luke wonders if he’s hallucinating; there’s no way that he, of all people, could end up so lucky. But here he is: there’s rare sunlight pouring in through the thin curtains and they’re lying in their own dirt and Calum is holding him just as tightly as he had been when they’d fallen asleep.

Luke feels himself grin and he buries his face into Calum’s shoulder. It’s like this surreal dream where all the things that Luke’s been hoping for have come together and he doesn’t even know what to do with himself now that they have.

He thinks maybe he could just stay in Calum’s arms for a while.

“Luke,” Calum shifts, then pulls Luke impossibly closer. His voice is soft and low, “You up?”

“No,” Luke mumbles sleepily.

He kind of wants to just stay in Calum’s arms for a while.

Calum laughs, and Luke keeps his eyes closed. He’s just drifting back off to sleep when Calum pulls away, much to Luke’s disappointment. He feels Calum tugging at the sheets and Luke opens his mouth to tell Calum to piss off whatever he’s doing and come back to cuddling, but then he feels lips on the inside of his thighs and he kinda rethinks the whole telling Calum to piss off thing.

Calum nips at his skin; Luke is beginning to think that Calum has a serious thing for love bites. (He doesn’t care though. If someone’s going to mark up his skin, he’d want it to be Calum.)

Calum moves his lips closer to Luke’s growing hard on, “Are you awake now?” Luke can feel him smiling against his skin.

“I might be.”

Luke bites his lip as Calum licks the base of his dick, then runs his tongue up the underside of the shaft. He’s imagined this happening more times than he’d like to admit, but nothing he’s ever made-up has felt this good. Calum runs his tongue along the head, before taking it in his mouth and beginning to suck slowly. With one hand, Calum works the base of Luke’s dick, his motions light and playful, just short of being enough.

Luke can feel his face heat up as he moans loudly, “Cal…”

Calum pulls his mouth away, smirking at Luke, “Yes?’

“No, no, no, don’t stop,” Luke says quickly, “More- gimme more.”

Clearly smug at the effect he’s having on Luke, Calum beings sucking Luke’s dick again. This time he takes as much of Luke in his mouth as he can, simultaneously stroking his hand up and down the part that doesn’t fit. Luke grips the sheets tightly and he can hardly help his hips from jerking up. Calum takes his unoccupied hand and presses Luke’s hips against the mattress, making it difficult to move.

Luke feels the familiar feeling of an orgasm growing in the pit of his stomach, and he feels a bit pathetic at how short he’s lasted, but then again, he’s wanted this for such a long time and Calum is more skilled with his tongue than Luke ever could’ve guessed.

Calum pulls away again, looking up at Luke with the same self-satisfied expression he’d been wearing previously, “You gonna come for me?”

“Not if you don’t continue what you were just doing,” Luke snaps, his breathing heavy.

Calum leans down, brushing his lips against the head of Luke’s dick, and despite the fact that Calum still has a tight grip on Luke’s hips, he tries to thrust up.

“You’re so impatient,” Calum comments airily.

“Calum, please,” Luke is past the point of caring about how _impatient_ he sounds, the only thing he can think about is how much he needs Calum’s mouth back on him.

Calum grins, beginning to suck on Luke again. His mouth is hot and wet, and he bobs his head faster this time, until Luke’s mind goes blank. His back arches off of the bed and he moan’s Calum’s name as he comes hard in Calum’s mouth. Calum swallows around him, pulling off slowly and pressing a kiss against Luke’s lower abdomen.

When Luke opens his eyes, Calum has his hands are on either side of Luke’s shoulders, holding himself over Luke. He presses his lips to Luke’s, kissing him slowly.

“Good morning,” Calum smiles against Luke’s mouth. Luke reaches up, trailing his fingers along Calum’s bare chest.

“Morning,” Luke laughs and Calum’s smile widens. Luke raises his eyebrows, “What?”

“I like it when you giggle,” Calum says sheepishly.

“I do not _giggle_ ,” Luke protests, indignant.

“Yes you do,” Calum says simply, “And it’s adorable.”

“You’re so weird,” Luke huffs.

“You didn’t seem to think that a few minutes ago,” Calum changes his voice so that it’s high-pitched, “ _Calum! Please!_ ”

Luke scowls, “Okay, first of all, my voice is lower than yours.”

Calum merely laughs, dropping his head and pressing his lips against Luke’s neck, “Is there a second of all?”

Luke purses his lips, closing his eyes as Calum begins to suck gently. Luke’s pretty sure he’s got five or six evident love bites by now. “Maybe.”

“And what’s that?” Calum murmurs against Luke’s skin.

Luke wraps his legs around Calum’s waist, rolling them so that Calum is on his back and Luke is on top of him. Luke reaches a hand down between them, taking Calum’s dick in his hand. Calum makes a noise of approval and Luke smiles mischievously at him, “Second of all, if I recall correctly, you are _much_ louder than I am.”

Calum opens his mouth, probably to respond, but Luke swipes his thumb over the head of Calum’s dick and Calum’s potential words turn into an incoherent moan.

“What was that?” Luke asks, as he traces his lips down Calum’s body.

Keeping his eyes locked with Calum’s, he begins sucking the head of Calum’s dick. (Sure, he’s never done this before, but it can’t be that hard, right?)

Calum clears his throat loudly, “I said piss off.”

Luke removes his mouth from Calum’s dick, looking at Calum innocently, “Oh, did you want me to stop?”

“Luke,” Calum says very seriously.

“Yes?” Luke asks sweetly.

“You’re such a shit-”

“You know I don’t _have_ to blow you,” Luke cuts Calum off, “Do you really wanna finish that sentence?”

Calum closes his mouth, glaring at Luke.

“That’s what I thought.”

+

There’s a loud knock on the bedroom door as Luke is pulling on his pants. He and Calum had finally willed themselves out of bed and showered, and Luke is beginning to think that this is the happiest he’s ever been.

Calum is already dressed in cloths of his own, that Luke had taken at one point or another and never returned, and he’s sitting on Luke’s bed, watching Luke get dressed.

This, in turn, is making Luke very nervous because, well, it’s _Calum_ , and despite being unbelievably happy, Luke is having trouble fathoming the fact that Calum likes him, let alone finds his body worth staring at.

Nonetheless, Calum is staring, and it’s making Luke nervous, so really, it’s Calum’s fault that he jumps about a foot in the air and knocks a dirty plate onto the floor when somebody bangs loudly on the door.

“Shit,” Luke bends down, picking up the broken plate pieces. His clumsiness is always amplified when he’s nervous.

“You okay?” Calum gets up from the bed and comes over to Luke.

“You were making me nervous,” Luke explains grudgingly, “by, you know, staring at me.”

“Why would that make you nervous?” Calum looks honestly confused.

“Because you’re _you_ ,” Luke stands up and puts the broken plate on top of  the dresser, “And I’m… me.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, I hope you realize,” Calum grabs Luke’s wrist, pulling him close and kissing him gently, “Besides, you’re incredibly fit. And we’re a thing now. Therefore, I have every right to watch you get dressed. Although personally I’d prefer watching you get undressed but-”

“We’re a thing?” Luke interjects.

There’s another loud knock on the door, followed by, “I know you guys are in there. And I’d really appreciate it if you could take your hands off each other for five seconds so I can tell you that we actually have plans today.”

“Of course we’re a thing,” Calum says quietly. He kisses Luke again, then goes to the door, opening it to reveal Ashton.

“Right, so I’m really glad you two have figured everything out,” Ashton starts, “although I’m pretty sure Michael is permanently scarred and will never see the two of you the same way again… But anyway, we have an interview today.”

“We do?” Luke is fairly positive that he was never told about this.

“Last minute, radio show thing,” Ashton fills them in, his eyes falling on Luke’s neck, “Good thing, too, cause if it we were being filmed we’d have a hell of a time covering up those love bites. Unless you guys are planning on going public, which I hope you know Mikey and I support you no matter what and we-”

“Ashton,” Calum cuts in, “We’ll let you know when we figure everything out, yeah?”

“Right, yeah,” Ashton nods, “I suppose you haven’t done much talking, if the amount of noise you were making is anything to go by.”

“Oh, shove it, we weren’t that loud,” Calum rolls his eyes.

“This flat is cursed with thin walls, mate,” Ashton pats Calum on the shoulder, “Anyway, come out and hang with Mikey and me. We’re gonna have lunch and then a car is coming to pick us up.”

“We’re just gonna finish getting dressed,” Calum begins to close the door.

“Seriously, don’t have sex right now,” Ashton insists.

Calum shuts the door in Ashton’s face, and through the door, Ashton says, “You don’t have time for a quickie, anyway.”

Calum laughs, then calls back, “Should we find out?”

They both hear a muffled ‘ew!’, and then the sound of footsteps down the hallway.

Luke finds a suitable shirt and quickly puts it on. He turns to Calum, not really sure what to say, “So.”

Calum shrugs, and Luke wonders how he’s always able to be calm and collected, “We can talk after the interview.”

“Okay, sure,” Luke nods, “Good idea.”

+

There’s a new lady assigned the task of making them look good, due to the fact that Lou Teasdale isn’t there, and she’s looking at Luke’s neck judgmentally. Apparently Calum really hadn’t held himself back. Luke shifts uncomfortably, fidgeting with one of the bracelets around his wrist. Calum is leaning against one of the walls, talking to Michael, but he’s looking at Luke smugly.

“Got up to a bit of fun last night, did ya?” The lady raises her eyebrows. Luke can’t remember her name.

“Yes,” Luke mutters, knowing his face is probably bright red.

“Tell her to go easier on you next time,” the lady chuckles, “or maybe to choose a spot less visible.”

Luke nods, not bothering to correct her.

“Luckily there’s nothing visual going on today, but we don’t want the interviewer or any assistants to go spreading rumors, do we? Hold still, Doll, I’m almost finished,” the lady tuts.

As soon as she finishes applying generous amounts of cover up to his neck, Luke escapes towards Calum and Michael.

Calum immediately pulls Luke close, sliding his arm around Luke’s waist. Luke relaxes against him, glad to discontinue his talk with the makeup lady. He’s not a huge fan of personal conversations with people he doesn’t know.

Ashton joins them a few moments later and then a man with a headset motions them into a room. There’s a radio announcer dressed in khakis and a white t-shirt. He’s got a scruffy beard and he’s pretty much got the whole ‘cool dad’ look going on.

“Hi, lads, I’m Dan,” the radio announcer says through a thick accent. He seems friendly enough.

“Nice, mate,” Calum reaches forward, shaking Dan’s hand, “I’ve got a really good friend named Dan.”

Luke looks at Calum; he hadn’t thought him and Dan were “ _really_ good friends”.

And he knows it’s ridiculous to let something as simple as _really good friends_ shake him, but he remembers watching Calum leave the club to go back to Dan’s flat, knowing exactly what they were leaving to do. And he remembers getting a text from Calum, saying that he was going to get pizza with Dan. _“Don’t worry, I’ll be back later”_ , the text had said, as if Luke was going to do anything other than worry that Calum was kissing Dan instead of him.

“Luke,” Calum’s voice snaps him out of his reverie.

He realizes that everyone is looking at him, “Sorry, I spaced out for a minute. Did you say something?”

“We were just introducing ourselves,” Calum is looking at Luke quizzically.

“Right, sorry,” Luke reaches to shake Dan’s hand, “Hi, I’m Luke.”

“He didn’t get much sleep last night,” Michael says obnoxiously. Calum elbows him in the side.

“Nice to meet you Luke,” Dan says, sitting back down in his chair. An assistant helps the boys adjust their microphones, and Dan beings the countdown to when they go on air, “Five, four, three, two one… And we’re on! Hello ladies and gentlemen, we are here today with the much awaited and very talented 5 Seconds of Summer! Would you like to say ‘hi’, lads?”

Dan gives the four of them a chance to chime hello before he continues talking, “So lemme just give everyone the game plan. I’ve got loads of twitter questions sent in, so I’m gonna read off a few of those, then we’ll answer a few calls, and then the boys are gonna give us a special performance of one of their newest singles, Don’t Stop.”

“Sounds fantastic,” Ashton says enthusiastically.

“Alright, then! For the first twitter question,” Dan looks at a sheet of paper, “We have @sextmeluke asking what your favorite songs off the album are? That’s a great twitter handle by the way.”

Calum laughs, “Don’t we all want Luke to sext us?”

Michael snorts, “Speak for yourself mate.”

Dan looks amused and Ashton rolls his eyes, “Well my favorite song from the album is ‘Long Way Home’. But I don’t think anybody’s heard that one yet. What about you guys?”

“‘Lost Boy’,” Luke says, “We’ve played that live loads of times but no studio recording’s been released, just like Ashton’s favorite.”

“Are you a _lost boy_ , Lucas?” Michael asks.

“Ashton is Peter Pan and the rest of us are the lost boys,” Calum chimes in. Luke feels a bit bad for Dan; he probably isn’t prepared for their inability to stay on topic.

“Yes!” Ashton exclaims, doing  a sort of victory dance in his chair, “I’m Peter Pan!”

“I wanna be Peter Pan,” Luke pouts.

“Alright, next question,” Dan laughs. He looks bemused and slightly unsure of what to do, “so @calumswifey, wow your fans get so creative, lemme just get off topic for a minute and ask, how do you feel about that, Calum?”

“I didn’t know I had a wife,” Calum says cheekily, “I suppose I’d like to meet her.”

 “So what’s the question?” Luke asks impatiently. He probably shouldn’t be getting jealous.

“Right,” Dan says, though he seems unaware of Luke’s sharp tone, “I’m guessing you get this question a lot, but let’s give our listeners an answer anyway. If you could date any member of the band, who would it be?”

Both Ashton and Michael look like they’re about to burst into laughter. Calum elbows Michael again.

“I believe I would date Ashton,” Michael says, fighting a grin.

“I wouldn’t date any of you,” Ashton crosses his arms, “You’d all be terrible boyfriends.”

“Lucas?” Michael smirks, “Who would you date?”

“Well Michael, I believe I’d date Calum,” Luke says matter of factly, making a face at Michael.

“I’d date Luke,” Calum moves his hand under the table, where Dan can’t see, and squeezes Luke’s knee gently, “He’d be a good boyfriend.”

“That works out perfectly, then,” Dan says cheerily, blissfully oblivious, “Calum and Luke can date each other, and Michael and Ashton can do the same. Although Ashton thinks you’d be a bad boyfriend, Michael, you might have to work extra hard to prove him wrong.”

“I’m up to the challenge,” Michael grabs Ashton’s face, smacking a slobbery kiss on his forehead.

“Gross,” Ashton pushes Michael away.

Michael sits back in his chair and shrugs, “He’ll come around.”

“Well at least we can depend on Calum and Luke as a couple over here,” Dan jokes. Luke wonders if Dan has any idea how close to the truth he is.

Michael opens his mouth to say something, but Calum elbows him for a third time. It’s probably for the best.

+

“Oh, I forgot to mention. Harry and Louis invited us over for dinner tonight,” Ashton says as they’re pulling out of the radio station, “They’re having a sort of dinner party. I know the rest of the band will be there, and I think some other close friends.”

“Let’s go,” Michael says, “It’ll be fun.”

Calum shrugs, “I’m down.”

Luke nods in agreement, resting his head against Calum’s shoulder. He’s tired, but he thinks it’ll be nice to see everyone. Besides, Harry always prepares amazing dishes.

He doesn’t realize that he’s fallen asleep until Calum is rubbing his shoulder gently and they’re no longer surrounded by traffic, but instead parked in the driveway to their flat.

“Wake up, L,” Calum says softly, “we’re here.”

Luke nods, then mumbles groggily, “I’m gonna take a nap before we go to Harry and Louis’.”

Luke finds his way to his bedroom, flopping down on the bed and immediately falling back asleep. When he wakes up again his head is on Calum’s chest and Calum is tracing his fingers up and down Luke’s arm. Luke doesn’t remember Calum joining him in bed, but he’s far from minding.

“We have to leave in thirty minutes,” Calum says.

Luke yawns, “Did you sleep?”

“Not really,” Calum admits, “I was thinking ‘bout some stuff. And I want to talk to you about something.”

“Is it bad?” Luke asks immediately. He sits up so that he’s looking directly at Calum and he can already hear Calum telling him that he’s changed his mind, that he’s made some sort of mistake.

“No, of course not,” Calum says lightly. Luke’s panic must be more evident than he thought, though, because Calum’s expression turns into a frown, “You know how much I like you, right?”

“Right,” Luke knows he doesn’t sound convinced.

“You’re insane,” Calum shakes his head. He leans in and kisses Luke, “Fuck, Luke, I’m pretty sure I’m the luckiest guy in the world right now. I’ve spent the past month wishing that you’d want to be with me as badly as I want to be with you.”

“I do,” Luke says quietly, “I’m sorry. I’m just- you’re so incredible, you know? And I don’t really know how you’ve ended up liking me. I’ve never been in a really serious relationship before, I don’t even know if you _want_ to be in a serious relationship. And I’m just really worried that I’m gonna screw something up.”

“Hey,” Calum stops Luke’s rambling, “You’re not gonna screw anything up. And I _do_ want to be in a serious relationship with you. We don’t have to rush anything, okay? We’re gonna figure everything out together.”

Luke nods, “What did you want to talk to me about, then?”

“Just that I think we should keep our relationship more on the private side right now,” Calum says slowly, “I’ve thought a lot about it, and I just feel like it would be easier to figure us out on our own time, without the entire world pushing us to give them all the details. I mean we can tell our close friends, but we should just, like, keep things on the down low.”

Luke nods again, “Okay.”

“Is that alright?” Calum asks, looking concerned, “It’s not cause I don’t wanna tell people, cause trust me, I’ve felt the urge to sing loudly on a rooftop about you all day, I just think it would make things easier for us.”

As a response, Luke kisses Calum, slowly and passionately. He thinks he’d wrap himself up in Calum forever if he could.

When they pull away from each other, Calum’s cheeks are flushed and he’s grinning like an idiot, “Let’s go get ready, then, yeah?”


	7. i can’t forget my english love affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "today, i’m seven thousand miles away. the movie playing in my head, on a king sized bed means i can’t forget my english love affair."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoooo! 5.7k glorious words of partying and smut. this chapter is actually happy the entire time. i hope you enjoy! commen&kudos&shit. xoxo (p.s. there are drugs in this chapter so, like, if that bothers you, you probably shouldn't read it.)

It’s nearly dark out by the time Calum, Luke, Ashton, and Michael arrive at Harry and Louis’. Ashton parks the band’s rental car across the street, and even from there they can hear music coming from the house. The four of them simultaneously stop short once they reach the driveway, looking up at the ridiculously large house in front of them. Calum wouldn’t hesitate to go as far as calling it a mansion.

“I thought you said this was a dinner party,” Calum mutters accusingly to Ashton, “with only a few close friends.”

“Well,” Ashton starts hesitantly, “I might have understated a bit-”

“A bit?” Michael cuts in.

“I didn’t want you lot to say no,” Ashton defends quickly, “Cal and Luke would’ve feigned exhaustion to go and bang each other and you won’t stop watching ‘Orange Is the New Black’. It was my last resort.”

“‘Orange Is the New Black’ is _really_ good,” Michael shrugs, “I’m almost caught up.”

“Everything you just said helped in proving my point,” Ashton motions for them to start walking again, “Come on, let’s go.”

“Looks like Ashton’s turned into an evil mastermind,” Calum comments sarcastically, but he follows Ashton regardless.

Ashton ignores this comment as they reach the front door. Considering the music is so loud, they decide against ringing the doorbell and with a hopeful glance at his three friends, Ashton pushes the door open.

Calum glances sideways at Luke, who’s looking after Ashton with an unsure expression on his face. Michael immediately follows Ashton into the house and Luke, seemingly fighting an internal battle, hesitantly follows after Michael. Calum sighs loudly. He figures a house party can’t be the worst thing that Ashton’s ever sprung on them. Considering that it’s Louis and Harry’s house party, it might even be fun.

He surveys his new surrounding as he closes the door behind him. They’re in a decently sized entrance room, with coat racks along one wall and a series of framed photographs on another. There are a few people in the room; two girls are making out in the far corner, and there’s a small group of people, all with alcoholic beverages in their hands, chatting amiably to each other.

As they all shrug off their jackets and hang them up, a very flushed looking Louis appears.

“Lads!” Louis exclaims. He has a beer in one hand, and he pulls Michael, who’s closest to him, into a one armed hug, “I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Ashton says cheerily. Calum still wants to smack Ashton a little bit, but the urge is diminishing.

“Welcome to our lovely house,” Louis says, making his voice proper, “I don’t believe you lot have seen this one yet. We only moved in once we got back from tour.”

“It’s really nice!” Ashton looks around the room, clearly impressed, “Fuckin’ huge too.”

“Harry and I wanted something good for throwing massive parties, you know?” Louis leads them into what looks like the living room. It’s filled with a large amount of people, none of whom Calum recognizes. “As you see here before you-” Louis motions to the people in his living room, “we are so far succeeding.”

“Just a bit,” Calum jokes as they follow Louis into the kitchen, where the music isn’t quite as loud. Louis goes over to a fridge the size of a Mini Cooper that’s situated in between marble counters and an expensive looking stove.

“Alright, so we’ve got beverages in here, but there’s food in pretty much every room. As far as guests go, I know Zayn and Niall are here. Liam’s turning up later with Maz and Andy. Perrie and the girls were able to make it too, which is fucking brilliant. And then of course we’ve got some folks from the Breakfast Show at Harry’s request. I’ll never understand his friendship with fuckin’ Grimmy, but you know, pick your battles. I _do_ like Greg James, he’s a top lad. Oh! And I almost forgot, we _finally_ got James Corden around, the cheeky bastard’s been avoiding us for such a long time. Then again, we have been on tour for eight months or so, and his schedule is full of filming and shit. So maybe that’s not really him avoiding us but just a clash of scheduling,” Louis rambles on as he distributes bottles of beer to each of the boys, then grabs a bottle of tequila and sets it down on the counter, “There’s some close friends here, too.”

“Some?” Michael asks incredulously, “How many close friends have you and Harry got, exactly?”

“Apparently border lining a hundred,” Louis chuckles, “And I’d love to introduce you to some of them, too, but I’ve really got to make sure Louise and Mark have found a proper bedroom because I’d rather not have them shagging in our living room. I also have to find Greg, you lads know Greg, right? Anyway he told me about this drink he’d made the other night involving tequila and it sounded brilliant.”

“Louis,” Michael wraps an arm around Louis’ shoulder, “How much _have_ you drunk tonight?”

“Stopped keeping track a while ago,” Louis informs them brightly, “Is there anything I can get you lot?”

“I’d love to try that tequila mix once you find Greg,” Ashton suggests enthusiastically, “Let’s go find him, yeah?”

“You’re a genius,” Louis stares at Ashton very seriously, then grins widely and pulls away from Michael. He grabs Ashton’s arm and leads him out of the kitchen without another word.

“Louis will always be my favorite drunk,” Michael looks after Louis and Ashton thoughtfully. He claps Calum on the shoulder, “Alright, I’m going to go mingle. Don’t get too crazy, kids.”

“Right back atcha!” Calum calls after Michael as he disappears from the kitchen.

“So, what exactly are we going to do now?” Luke is looking at Calum tentatively. Calum bites his lip to stop himself from smiling at Luke’s unsureness. He always becomes awkward around large groups of people and Calum can’t help finding it endearing.

“Well, we could get drunk, for starters” Calum takes a large swig of beer, waggling his eyebrows at the younger boy.

“Have you ever considered the possibility that you have a drinking problem?” Luke asks, but he looks mildly amused.

“I’m too young to have a drinking problem,” Calum hooks his finger into Luke’s belt loop, pulling him closer so that their hips meet, “Only grownups can have drinking problems. When you’re a teenager it just means you like drinking.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Luke rolls his eyes, cracking a smile.

“Yes it does.” Feeling a sudden, unexplainable confidence, Calum slips his free hand into Luke’s back pocket and a startled expression passes over Luke’s face.

“Aren’t you too sober to be this handsy right now?” Luke objects.

“I’m never too sober to be handsy with you,” Calum murmurs.

“What happened to keeping things on the down low?” It’s really quite adorable the way that Luke bites his lip, sounding conflicted. It makes Calum want to kiss him. (He’s been spending a lot of time lately wanting to kiss Luke.)

“Look at it this way: everyone here knows Louis and Harry live together, _are_ together, and none of them have blabbed to the world yet,” Calum leans closer to Luke, so that their lips are barely apart, “So why would they blab about us?”

As if that was all the convincing he needed, Luke closes the space between them, crashing his lips against Calum’s. Calum sets his beer bottle down on the counter, moving one hand behind Luke’s neck, the other still in Luke’s back pocket. Luke’s hand grips Calum’s waist tightly as he tugs at Luke’s bottom lip with his teeth. Calum squeezes Luke’s butt and Luke’s mouth opens in surprise, giving Calum perfect access to the inside of his mouth. Calum is just about to take advantage of this fact, when they’re interrupted.

“Hello, lads.” At the sound of Harry’s voice Luke and Calum to jump apart from each other, then both manage to choke out some form of greeting. Harry is smiling at them as if nothing is out of the ordinary, “Are you enjoying yourselves?”

“Yes,” Calum looks over at Luke, who’s now blushing furiously.

“Sorry to interrupt and all,” Harry continues politely, “But Lou wanted me to get some limes from the fridge so he can make this drink he’s been going on about and… you’re kind of in front of the fridge.”

“Oh, right,” Luke says, quickly moving out of Harry’s way and pulling Calum along with him.

“So, I hope you know that this means you two have to go on a double date with Lou and me,” Harry says casually as he opens the fridge, moving various assorted items around until he finds a lime, “Have you ever been to Rosso’s? It’s one of our favorite places, they always get us a private table, too.”

The idea of a date with Luke makes Calum’s heart speed up slightly, and he reminds himself that he _can_ go on a date with Luke now. It doesn’t have to be just an idea anymore.

“That would be really great, actually,” Calum wraps his arm around Luke’s waist, becoming more sure of himself, “We’d love to go on a date with you.”

“Word choice, Calum,” Luke shakes his head, “You’re making us sound like Mormons, or something.”

Harry laughs, pulling another lime out of the fridge. “I’ve always wanted a polygamous relationship,” he says jokingly, “for some reason Lou’s never been too enthusiastic about it… Hang on, I’ll be right back.”

“We have cool friends,” Calum decides as he and Luke watch Harry leave. He’s not really sure how he got so lucky. It’s not like he’s going to question it too much, though. Maybe sometimes the impossible just decides to happen.

“Yes, we do,” Luke agrees.

“We’re going on a date just the two of us first, though,” Calum pulls Luke closer to him again, so that his lips brush against Luke’s.

“Are we?” Luke questions, a smile playing at his lips.

“Yes,” Calum moves his lips along Luke’s jawline, “A very romantic one at that.”

“I had no idea you even knew what romance was,” Luke teases.

“I can be very romantic,” Calum defends indignantly.

“Really?” Luke raises an eyebrow, “You strike me as more of a one night stand kind of guy.”

“You’re such a little shit,” Calum huffs, nipping at the skin on Luke’s neck.

Luke pushes him away, “No more fuckin’ love bites, Cal, my neck can’t take anymore.”

Calum looks down at his work from the night before proudly. There are three prominent marks on one side of Luke’s neck, and two more faded ones on the other. Luke’s shirt collar is just low enough to reveal another dark love bite on his collarbone.

“I dunno, I think it can,” Calum insists, brushing his lips over an unmarked spot of Luke’s neck.

“Later,” Luke pushes him away again, “Let’s go find some pot.”

“I see how it is,” Calum says as he follows Luke into the living room area where they had seen Michael disappear to. Calum is pretty sure it’s a different room than the one Louis had shown them, but there seem to be just as many people filling it, “My boyfriend’s a druggie now.”

“Your boyfriend?” Luke plays with his lip ring with his tongue.

“My boyfriend,” Calum says definitively, “Is there a problem with that?”

“No, I just like hearing you say that,” Luke smiles shyly.

“Well, _my boyfriend_ is a druggie now,” Calum repeats.

“That’s basically the oven calling the kettle black, or whatever the fuck the expression is,” Luke says frankly.

“ _I’m_ not a druggie.”

“Yes, but you do have quite a thing for alcohol,” Luke scans the room, “Besides, getting high at a party doesn’t make me a druggie.”

“And drinking at a party doesn’t make me an alcoholic,” Calum looks down sadly at his empty hands; he’d left his beer in the kitchen, “Speaking of alcohol, I’m going to get another drink. You gonna be alright in here?”

“I think I’ll be able to handle myself,” Luke responds.

“Good luck on your mission for weed,” Calum grins, giving Luke a quick kiss.

It takes him much longer to find a drink than he’d hoped, because he runs into Harry again, who insists on introducing Calum to some friends.

That’s how Calum finds himself meeting James Corden (which is _awesome_ because, well, it’s James Corden), along with a small, blonde girl named Louise (Calum suspects this is the Louise who’d been close to shagging Mark in the living room), and a tall football player named Paul from the Doncaster Rovers.

By the time Calum gets back to the kitchen, he’s completely lost track of Luke (or any of his fellow band members, for that matter) and he’s pretty sure even more people have arrived. The kitchen is much more crowded than before, but Calum catches sight of Louis and pushes his way over to him.

Louis is chatting animatedly with Greg James, the bottle of tequila from earlier held in his right hand.

“Calum Hood, the man of the hour!” Louis announces at full volume as Calum approaches him.

“The man of the hour, am I?” Calum snorts.

“A little birdy told me there’s going to be some double dating going on soon,” Louis tells him.

“I have to admit, I’m impressed,” Calum says, “I didn’t think word could travel that quickly.”

“Harry and I tell each other everything. Communication is key, my young friend. Especially gossip about our closest friends,” Louis grins, then claps Calum’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug, “Congrats, mate.”

Maybe it’s the alcohol starting to take effect, or maybe it’s just the events of the past twenty four hours, but right now, Calum doesn’t care who knows about him and Luke. (He can always deal with the publicity bullshit later.)

He also can’t stop himself from smiling as he hugs Louis back, “I’m really happy.”

At that, Louis pulls away and squeezes some lime juice into a clear glass filled with liquid Calum presumes to be a mixture of tequila and cranberry juice. Louis then hands the glass to Calum, “Try this. It’s incredible. Greg here is a bloody genius.”

Calum takes a large gulp. It’s bitter but he has to admit, it doesn’t taste half bad, “That’s pretty good, mate.”

Louis lets out a noise between a yelp and a squeal. He claps his hands over his mouth, looking between Greg and Calum with wide eyes, “Oh my God.”

“What?” Calum is torn between laughing and being concerned.

“We should do shots!” Louis shouts.

Calum and Greg both bursts into laughter.

“I’m serious!” Louis’ eyes widen even further, something Calum didn’t think was possible, “Even better, let’s do body shots.”

Calum’s mind instantly goes to Luke, shirtless, with a lime in his mouth. He probably finds it hotter than he should.

Instead of voicing his thoughts of a half-naked Luke aloud, Calum opts for saying, “Louis, have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“Probably, but it never hurts to hear it again,” Louis beams, taking a large sip of his own drink. He jumps suddenly, waving to a tall girl with pink hair who’s entering the kitchen, “Lucy!”

The girl walks over to them, embracing Louis in a tight hug, “Hi, love! Quite a party you and Harry have got here.”

“I’m glad you could make it,” Louis hands her a drink, “Speaking of the wonderful Harry, have you seen him? We’re doing body shots.”

 “I haven’t, love,” Lucy pouts, “Can I join in, though?”

“Of course, babe, let’s go find Harry. Calum, find Lucas,” Louis orders. Lucy wraps an arm around Louis’ shoulder and begins pulling him out of the kitchen, “We’ll regroup in the living room. Greg, could you find Niall and tell him to clear a space?”

Calum downs his drink, then makes his way back into the room he’d left Luke in. Unable to find Luke there, he ventures into another room. This room looks like some sort of yoga studio. Calum laughs quietly to himself; of _course_ Louis and Harry have a yoga studio in their home.

There’s wooden flooring and the walls are covered in mirrors. By the entrance to the room, there’s a pile of yoga mats. In the middle of the room there’s a group of about ten people, sitting on the floor. The only source of light is coming from prayer candles lit in the center of the group of people.

He immediately spots Luke with his lips on the mouthpiece of a light blue bong. Somebody Calum doesn’t know is lighting it up for him. Luke takes a massive hit, then he leans back and exhales. Smoke pours out of his mouth and he coughs a few times. After a moment, his eyes snap open and they fall on Calum; a smiles spreads onto his face.

“Calum, c’mere,” Luke’s words are only slurred together slightly.

“Hey, baby,” Calum excuses himself as he steps over someone’s lap and sits on the floor between Luke and another stranger, “How’s it going?”

Luke laughs.

“What?” Calum asks, mildly amused.

“You called me baby,” Luke lowers his voice to a whisper, his expression somber.

“How high are you?” Calum wonders.

“How drunk are you?” Luke retorts. He moves his face so that it’s very close to Calum’s, as if he’s inspecting Calum’s freckles.

“You answer first,” Calum declares.

“Answer what?” Luke’s eyes widen.

“How high are you?” Calum repeats patiently, trying not to laugh.

“Me? High?” Luke’s voice raises about an octave, and then he bursts into a fit of giggles.

Calum laughs as Luke continues giggling hysterically, then abruptly stops.

“So, Luke,” Calum says slowly, making sure he has Luke’s attention, “You wanna do body shots?”

“ _Oh my god yes_ ,” Luke stands up, too quickly, and nearly falls over. Calum reaches up to steady him, “Where?”

“Back in the living room,” Calum stands up as well, “Niall is clearing a space.”

Luke nods his head vigorously, then grabs Calum’s hand and pulls him towards the door. He stops, turning back to the people he’d been smoking with, “It was a pleasure, ladies and gents.”

With that, he drags Calum through the door. It only takes Calum a few moments to spot Niall, and he steers Luke in the right direction as they push their way through the mass of people.

“Calum says we’re doing body shots and I am hella fucking excited,” Luke nearly shouts at Niall and Greg.

Niall, who looks more on the drunk side himself, erupts into laughter, “We’re waiting for Louis ‘n Harry.”

At that exact moment the song changes to ‘Shots’ by LMFAO and Calum barely has time to fathom the cheesiness of song choice before Louis is jumping up on the coffee table, holding an entirely new bottle of tequila and yelling in his very-loud-Louis voice, “Who’s ready to do some fucking shots?”

The party guests explode into cheers and claps. Louis jumps off the table and tugs at Harry’s shirt, indicating for him to take it off. Once Harry complies, Louis gently pushes Harry so that Harry is lying on his back on the coffee table. Someone takes the liberty of lining a strip of salt along Harry’s happy trail, ending right at his waistline and Louis takes a cut of lime, situating it in Harry’s mouth.

Calum is pretty sure he sees Harry wink at Louis before Louis is handed a shot glass full of tequila.

People have begun to form a circle around the coffee table and someone’s started a chant of ‘shots!’ that most everybody has joined in on. Starting at Harry’s waistline, Louis licks slow up, stopping at Harry’s bellybutton. He straddles his boyfriend, before throwing the tequila down his throat, then leans forward and takes the lime wedge out from between Harry’s teeth. Everybody cheers loudly. Louis spits the lime wedge into the empty shot glass and gives Harry a dramatic smack on the lips. Everybody cheers louder.

“Our turn, ya fuckers!” Niall’s accent is definitely thicker from the alcohol. He shoves his way forward, followed by Barbara Palvin who is clothed only in a neon green bra and a matching tutu skirt.

After Niall and Barbara go, things get crazy. Calum is pretty sure Ashton takes a body shot off of Greg James and he’s not really sure what happens after that. He doesn’t even realize that it’s his turn until Luke’s got his shirt off and is lying on the table, arms folded behind his head as a makeshift pillow, his hipbones sticking out sharply and someone is shoving him forward towards Luke.

Calum has to take a moment to collect himself.

He kind of hadn’t imagined they’d be surrounded by people the first time Luke was laid out like this, just for him, but he’s adding it to the list of Brilliant Things He Isn’t Going to Question.

Whoever’s been distributing the salt has placed the salt somewhere different for practically everyone (Calum has no idea who the fuck is working the magic but he doesn’t really care). This time he covers both of Luke’s nipples in salt.

“You know what that means, right, mate?” the lad with the salt asks. Calum looks up at him, realizing he’s Paul from the Doncaster Rovers. Calum merely shakes his head no, and Paul raises his voice for everyone to hear, “Take two fucking shots, my friend, _then_ you get the lime.”

Calum looks down at Luke, who’s got a lime between his teeth by now. His pupils are blown, eyes glassy and red, but still focused on Calum as Calum copies Louis’ earlier moves on Harry and straddles Luke’s hips.

With excessive encouragement from the crowd, Calum leans down, and begins sucking on Luke’s right nipple. He gets most of the salt right away but he teases Luke for a few more seconds, sucking and biting until Luke’s nipple is hard. He sits up, knocks back the first shot, then leans down to Luke’s other nipple and repeats his actions.

After taking the second shot, he somewhat aggressively retrieves the lime from Luke’s mouth, quickly dropping the lime into the empty glass and returning to Luke’s lips, kissing him passionately. It’s sloppy, mainly due to the fact that Calum is pretty thoroughly drunk and Luke is high as a fucking kite, but it’s hot and wet and Calum can’t get enough.

Multiple people wolf whistle.

Michael yells at them to get a room.

Their snogging session is cut short by Harry pulling Calum off of Luke and reiterating Michael’s demand, “Seriously, lads, get a room.”

Calum wiggles his eyebrows at Luke, causing Luke to go into a giggle fit again.

Wrapped up in each other, they fall onto a couch, next to a boy with green hair and a very drunk Nick Grimshaw. Despite the fact that Luke is basically on top of Calum, Calum wants him closer.

Time seems to stand still.

Luke presses chaste kisses to Calum’s lips in between bursts of laughter and ramblings about random concepts like the size of the universe and metamorphosis. His speech slows down and his moves his lips to Calum’s neck, tracing them along the skin teasingly.

“You’re so fucking fit,” Calum murmurs.

Luke shakes his head, “Not as fit as you.”

“I guess you two are just a really fit couple then,” Nick inputs loudly and obnoxiously.

“Piss off, Grimmy,” Calum says. Luke starts laughing again.

“How baked _is_ this kid?” Nick asks.

“Really fucking baked,” Calum snickers. Luke’s laughing turns into hysterical giggling.

There’s a moment of silence, and then Nick groans loudly, “Oh no, Niall’s brought out his guitar.”

“I fail to see why that’s a bad thing,” Calum mumbles.

“Because everyone here is completely fucked,” Nick says, his words slurred, “and only a quarter of the people here can sing. Put two and two together.”

“Don’t care, I’m going to join in. C’mon, Skywalker. Get up.” Calum pokes Luke’s chest.

Luke sticks out his bottom lip, pouting, but he slowly detangles himself from Calum and climbs off of him. Calum leads him over to where Niall is sitting, surrounded by people. He catches sight of Liam, who waves happily.

“This one is called ‘Lucky’. It’s written by the beautiful Jason Mraz, who’s voice I would gladly have sex with if said voice was a person,” Niall announces loudly. He takes a swig of beer, then puts the bottle down and continues strumming random chords on his guitar, “And it is dedicated to anyone who’s ever been in love with their best friend.”

“Harry! Louis!” Lucy, the girl with the pink hair from earlier hollers, “Get your arses out here and sing a fucking duet!”

Many people agree with this. Loudly.

Calum’s eyes fall on Harry, who’s standing near the back of the room, watching Luke press kisses against Calum’s neck with a fondness that could only be gained from recognition or familiarity- almost like he knows exactly how Calum is feeling. Calum wonders if he actually does.

He smiles at Calum- and Calum, smiles back, full of content and pure happiness and he can’t even put it into words- before someone pushes him forward. Harry winks at Calum, then makes his way forward to Louis and Niall. Niall starts playing.

 “ _Do you hear me? I’m talking to you_ ,” Harry’s voice is low and gravelly, multiple people cheer when he starts singing, “ _Across the water, across the deep, blue ocean, under the open sky. Oh my, baby, I’m trying._ ”

“ _Boy, I hear you in my dreams. I feel you whisper across the sea_ ,” Louis’ voice is not as melodic as usual, due to the fact that he’s consumed so much alcohol, and he’s grinning so widely that he seems to have trouble getting the words out, but he still manages to make it sound good, “ _I keep you with me, in my heart. You make it easier when life gets hard._ ”

Once the reach the chorus, everyone starts singing (Calum thinks Nick might have had a point), “ _Lucky I’m in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been, lucky to be coming home again…_ ”

Calum turns to look at Luke, who’s eyes are moving back and forth from Niall to Harry and Louis. Calum watches Luke’s lips as he mouths the words to the song, and he’s overwhelmed with the urge to pull him away from everyone and kiss him, touch him, melt into him.

Around four in the morning people start falling asleep in random areas of the house. Calum is starting to sober up, though he’s still pleasantly buzzed. Luke looks like he’s coming down as well.

Luke is sitting on the counter, now, pulling Calum close to him. He slings his arms around Calum’s neck and Calum fits his hips in between Luke’s knees.

“How’re you feeling, babe?” Calum kisses Luke softly, breathing him in. He smells like weed and lime, and, underneath it all, sandalwood soap.

“I want you,” Luke’s voice is low. It sends shivers down Calum’s spine.

He knows what Luke means, knows he’s asking to take things all the way. Calum lets out a shaky breath, “Yeah?”

Luke kisses Calum fervently. He bites Calum’s bottom lip, pulling on it gently, “Yeah.”

It takes all of Calum’s willpower not to pull Luke’s pants off right in the kitchen, “Maybe we should wait ‘til you’re sober.”

“I’m sober enough,” Luke argues, lips still brushing Calum’s, “I want you so badly.”

“Fuck it,” Calum unwraps Luke’s arms from him, indicating for Luke to follow him.

He leads Luke down a hallway, stepping over a few passed out people on the way. The first two doors that he tries are locked; Calum can only assume why. The third is a bathroom. The fourth door, however, opens to a bedroom that is entirely unoccupied. The room is too impersonalized to be Harry and Louis’ bedroom, so Calum guesses it to be a guest room, and he pulls Luke into the room with him.

Calum closes the door and deliberately locks it (he hardly wants someone like Michael to walk in on them again). He goes over to the nightstand, pulling open the drawer. On any other occasion, Calum would probably find it weird that Harry and Louis keep condoms and lube in their guest rooms, but right now he’s only thankful.  He pulls a condom and the container of lube out of the drawer and sets it on the nightstand. Then, he turns to Luke.

Luke has already pulled off his jeans, which Calum appreciates considering they’re so fucking tight and difficult to remove. Calum quickly undresses down to nothing but his underwear, then climbs onto the bed, pulling Luke onto his lap. Luke wraps his lanky legs around Calum’s waist.

Calum tugs Luke’s shirt off, throwing it on the floor. He explores Luke’s torso with his fingers, running his thumbs over Luke’s nipples. Luke watches Calum’s actions with intensity as Calum reaches down between them, palming Luke through his underwear. Luke’s reaction is immediate, his half hard dick growing harder at Calum’s touch.

“How do you want to do this?” Calum’s voice is barely above a whisper. He’s almost afraid to break the moment between them.

“I want to see you,” Luke whispers back.

Calum nods, “Lay back.”

Luke unhooks his legs from around Calum and rests his head on one of the pillows. Calum reaches down to Luke’s boxers, “You sure, baby?”

“Yes,” Luke looks at Calum with lust-blown eyes. A smile ghosts over his lips, “I like it when you call me that.”

Calum props himself over Luke, holding himself up with one arm. He leans down to kiss Luke gently before pulling Luke’s boxers off and joining them on the floor with Luke’s shirt. Calum begins working his own hard on as he continues kissing Luke. After a moment, he reaches towards the nightstand, fumbling until he feels the container of lube. He pulls away from Luke momentarily to uncap the container.

He can feel Luke’s heart pounding in his chest, “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“I’ve just- I’ve never done this before, so…” Luke takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry if I’m shit.”

“You’re not gonna be shit,” Calum says quietly, “I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

Watching Calum cover his fingers in lube,  Luke’s breath catches. Calum leans down to kiss him again as he slowly pushes his index finger into Luke’s hole. Luke immediately tenses, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Shh, just relax, baby, okay?” Calum murmurs.

Luke nods again, relaxing slightly as Calum begins moving his finger.  Luke eyes flutter shut, moaning softly when Calum adds a second finger and picks up the speed of his movements. When Luke relaxes more, Calum adds a third.

“You like that?” Calum hums.

“Yes,” Luke breathes, reaching up and pulling Calum into a kiss. He kisses Calum hungrily as Calum works his fingers. Calum only stops once he has Luke squirming underneath him. Luke whines when Calum removes his fingers from him.

Calum quickly grabs a condom from the nightstand, ripping it open and rolling it on. He makes sure to add a generous amount of lube around his dick, and then returns to his position above Luke.

Calum pushes Luke’s knees back so that they’re touching his chest, then lines the head of his dick up to Luke’s hole. Keeping his eyes locked with the younger boy, he slowly pushes in.

Calum moans loudly at the feeling of Luke, tight around him. He begins thrusting slowly, taking the breathy moans falling out of Luke’s mouth as incentive to keep going.

And fuck- Luke is the best. Out of every guy he’s slept with in the past month, he’s never felt this good, never felt like the world was in his fucking hands and he doesn’t want this to end. He wants to stay wrapped up in Luke until the end of time.

“God, Luke,” Calum groans, “You feel so fucking good.”

“F-fuck,” Luke stutters, “Go faster.”

Calum picks up his pace, snapping his hips into Luke.

“Fuckin’ Christ, Calum. Fuck, fuck, fu- _Oh_ ,” Luke’s mouth falls open as Calum changes his angle slightly and hits Luke’s prostate.

Calum starts thrusting even harder, causing Luke to moan and whine beneath him. He reaches a hand down, gripping Luke’s dick and jacking him off as Calum continues thrusting into him.

“Fuck, Calum, I’m so close,” Luke whispers, breathing hard.

Calum twists his wrist just slightly, and Luke makes a pornographic noise, coming all over his stomach and Calum’s hand.

Luke’s hole clenches tightly around Calum’s dick as he comes, and Calum follows in suit a few seconds later, his hips faltering as he works through his orgasm.

Calum pulls out of Luke, getting up to throw away the dirty condom, then returning to Luke. Luke’s chest is still rising and falling quickly, having not quite regained his breath yet. Calum wipes Luke’s stomach off with the sheets and Luke pulls Calum into a kiss as soon as Calum finishes.

“The sun is coming up,” Luke murmurs against Calum’s lips.

Calum laughs quietly, “We just had sex and you’re talking about the fucking sunrise.”

Luke’s face breaks into a grin, “Have I ever told you how incredible you are?”

“I don’t think so, maybe remind me again?” Calum teases.

Luke laughs, the noise bubbling up in his chest and spilling out, “You’re incredible.”

Calum looks at Luke, eyes roaming over his face and taking him in. He’s probably the most beautiful boy Calum’s ever seen. And he wants to put what he’s feeling into words- to tell Luke how incredible _he_ is, to tell him how fucking happy he is that Luke is _his_ \- but he doesn’t even know where to start.

“What?” Luke asks when Calum remains quiet.

“I really, _really_ like you,” Calum will tell Luke all these things later. Right now, this is enough.

Luke smiles, and Calum doesn’t really understand how Luke is looking at him the way he is- like he’s the most brilliant thing Luke’s ever seen- but he’s pretty sure it’s the only way he ever wants Luke to look at him again.

“I really, _really_ like you too.”


	8. i made a mixtape straight out of ’94, i’ve got your ripped skinny jeans lying on the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum isn't actually very good at the whole date thing. it's okay, though, 'cause luke isn't either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh!! i'm so sorry this is a day late, i'm terrible. i don't even know what this chapter is it's just like 7k words of fluff and smut. i hope it's enjoyable. sorrysorrysorry again about the lateness. plz keep reading. comments&kudos are always appreciated. copyright mcdonalds (i don't own any of their food names). xoxo

Luke’s eyes are closed, his face relaxed. His head is lying on Calum’s chest, his hand resting against Calum’s ribcage, and his lips are parted slightly. Calum can feel him breathing lightly.

The room is chilly, and Calum and Luke hadn’t quite made it under the covers before they’d passed out in each other’s arms. Calum thinks to pull a blanket over them now, but his head is pounding and he doesn’t really want to move. (There’s also the fact that Luke’s face is more peaceful than Calum’s ever seen it and he can feel Luke’s eyelashes on his skin and he really doesn’t want to disturb the beautiful boy sleeping curled up against him.)

Calum looks down at this beautiful sleeping boy and thinks that he looks quite small when he’s sleeping. He’s not really sure how Luke- all long legs and broad shoulders- could ever manage to look small, but right now, he does. Maybe it’s because all his walls are down, leaving him unguarded. Or maybe it’s how, when he’s asleep, he looks like he’s just turned sixteen again; he looks young and innocent.  Calum isn’t sure if this makes him want to protect Luke from all the evil in the world or pin him down and fuck him until he’s a complete wreck. Calum supposes he could go for both.

“Why are you staring at me?” At some point in Calum’s train of thought, Luke had opened his eyes, and now he’s looking up at Calum expectantly.

A smile tugs at Calum’s lips;  he might not want to voice his thoughts about fucking Luke senseless just yet. “Because.”

“That’s not a proper answer,” Luke mumbles, closing his eyes again. He resituates himself, so that he’s lying half on top of Calum, entangling their legs, “What time is it?”

“I have no idea,” Calum wraps his arms around Luke’s waist, “I’m afraid telling time by the position of the sun has never been one of my strong points.”

Luke laughs, the sound muffled against Calum’s chest, “Loser.”

“We might want to get up, though,” Calum says. He’s not at all fond of the idea but- “I don’t suppose Harry and Louis want us sleeping in their guest room all day.”

“Have you seen the size of this house?” Luke snorts, “They probably won’t even notice we’re here.”

“I think the rest of our band might notice, though,” Calum chuckles, “you know, if we don’t show up for dinner.”

“I don’t want to move,” Luke protests sleepily.                                          

Calum sighs, agreeing wholeheartedly, and fuck it. “I don’t either.”

He closes his eyes.

+

The next time Calum wakes up it’s to a loud knocking on the door. Luke’s eyes are still shut, so Calum releases his hold on the younger boy and slides off the bed. He grabs the sheet, which had been kicked down to the end of the bed, and throws it over Luke. He then locates his boxers and pulls them on, before padding over to the door.

Calum opens the door to see Harry, in much of the same dress as himself, with an extreme case of bedhead. He hears Louis calling from down the hallway, “I think Mark and Louise are in there!”

Harry smirks at Calum, then turns his head, yelling back to Louis, “Not quite!”

“Hi,” Calum says, feeling a blush creep onto his face.

“Hi,” Harry smiles knowingly at Calum. His gaze scans past Calum and into the bedroom, falling on Luke, who’s rolled so that the sheet Calum covered him with is barely doing its job. Harry looks like he’s restraining himself from commenting.

Calum is also becoming increasingly aware of the massive hangover he’s got, and he rubs his eyes, “What time is it?”

“A bit past one,” Harry shrugs, as Calum opens his mouth to apologize for overstaying, “Don’t worry, loads of people are still passed out. I think Michael fell asleep on the stairs.”

“Michael can fall asleep anywhere,” Calum observes.

“Right, so I didn’t actually come here to kick you two out- in fact, feel free to stay a while longer,” Harry offers, “but Liam and I were gonna go on a coffee and bagel run so we’re taking down some orders.” Harry holds up a scrap piece of paper and a pen sheepishly.

Calum nearly laughs; getting coffee and bagels for his hungover party guests is such a _Harry-like_ gesture. But then again, the thought of coffee and food does sound very inviting.

He ends up smiling appreciatively, “First of all, you guys are fucking awesome. Second of all, can you get me black coffee  and strawberry cream cheese on a plain bagel?”

Harry nods, putting the paper against the door frame and writing down Calum’s request, “Do you know what Luke would want?”

“He doesn’t like coffee, but any kind of black tea with milk mixed in is good,” Calum, “And for a bagel get a blueberry one. Also with strawberry cream cheese.”

“Alright,” Harry’s knowing smile has returned, “That’s very cute, you know.”

“What is?” Calum asks.

“That you know what he would order,” Harry says simply.

Calum rubs the back of his neck, focusing on a spot on the floor. He’s not sure why this is making him embarrassed, but he’s not used to people calling Luke and him _cute_ yet. That’s a thing that happens to couples, and even with everything that’s happened Calum still can’t quite wrap his head around everything. “Well, you know what Louis would order, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Harry nods, “My point being, I think you guys are good together.”

“Me too,” Calum looks up, unable to stop himself from smiling like an idiot. Maybe he still feels like he’s about to wake up from the best dream he’s ever had, but he can’t deny that he’s happy.

“Alright, I’ll let you get back to Sleeping Beauty over there,” Harry begins to walk down the hallway, then stops, apparently having second thoughts, “Also, Louis and I are doing a wash later, so don’t worry if you get the sheets dirty.” He winks at Calum, then leaves.

Calum shakes his head as he closes the door and leans back against it. His eyes wander up Luke’s sleeping body. The sheet has fallen just below his hipbones, and his chest is rising and falling slowly. His hair is messy and his fringe is falling in his eyes; Calum has a strong urge to go over and move it off his forehead.

“What are you doing all the way over there?” Luke blinks through sleepy eyes at Calum.

Calum smiles, “Just enjoying the view.”

“Well, come over here. You’re too far away,” Luke complains.

Calum returns to the bed, climbing onto it and straddling Luke’s hips. He bends down so that his lips are hovering just over Luke’s, “Is this close enough?”

Luke grins, “Hmm, not quite.”

Calum crushes their mouths together, then grinds down teasingly against Luke, “What about now?”

“Much better,” Luke toys with his lip ring and Calum wonders if Luke knows what he’s doing, knows how much just that simple action is turning Calum on.

He concludes that Luke does, in fact, know what he’s doing because he snakes a hand between the two of them and brushes it over Calum’s hardening dick.

“Take these off,” Luke tugs at the fabric of Calum’s boxers.

“You’re so demanding this morning,” Calum notes as he sits back and pulls his underwear off.

“I wanna blow you,” Luke pouts, sticking his bottom lip out. (And really, who can blame Calum’s mind for automatically going to images of Luke’s lips around his dick.)

“What are you waiting for, then?” Calum asks. Luke’s newfound confidence seems to be coming from nowhere, but Calum’s sure as hell not going question it.

Luke wraps his legs around Calum’s waist and rolls them over. He attaches his lips to Calum’s collarbone, sucking and nipping at the skin.

Luke slows works his way down Calum’s body, much slower than Calum would like, but by the time Luke grips the base of Calum’s shaft and attaches his mouth the tip of Calum’s dick, Calum thinks it might have been worth the wait.

Calum closes his eyes as Luke- _his boyfriend_ begins sucking him off. Calum honestly has trouble believing that the kid’s never sucked a dick before Calum’s because Luke is far too good at this for a beginner.

Or maybe that’s just another fucking awesome thing about Luke.

Either way, morning blowjobs seem to be becoming a routine thing. Calum thinks he could get used to that.

+

“Oh my god, Ashton. I can’t do this.”

Calum is freaking out a little bit (okay, a lot). He’s standing in his underwear, his hair still wet and unstyled, with close to his entire wardrobe thrown onto the floor.

Ashton is sitting on Calum’s bed, watching Calum with an expression of mixed sympathy and amusement.

It’s been over a week since Harry and Louis’ party, and Calum has finally gotten around to taking Luke on a proper date. Except that, now he’s so nervous he feels like he’s going to throw up.

Ashton sighs, “Cal, you’ve literally known the kid since he was fourteen.”

“I don’t see how that makes it any better!” Calum snaps, chewing on his bottom lip and running his hands through his wet hair.

“Well it’s not going to be like an awkward first date where you don’t know the person,” Ashton explains, “And it’s not like you’ve never gone out to dinner with him before. Now you just kiss and stuff.”

“It’s different though!” Calum protests, “What if he realizes that I’m a terrible conversationalist and he doesn’t want to date me anymore?”

“This is Luke we’re talking about,” Ashton says, “He’s even worse of a conversationalist than you.”

“What if I make things awkward between us and then screw up the whole band dynamic?” Calum continues fretting, ignoring Ashton’s reasoning.

“Jesus, Calum,” Ashton grabs Calum’s wrist, and forces Calum to sit down on the bed next to him, “Stop. You’re nervous, I get that, but you don’t need to be. It’s _Luke_.”

“That’s why I’m nervous!” Calum exclaims, “It’s easy enough finding some stranger to go home and sleep with. But I like Luke! Like, really, _really_ , like Luke.”

“It’s going to be fine, Cal,” Ashton pats him on the shoulder, “Now go get dressed, yeah?”

“I don’t have anything to wear,” Calum says sulkily.

Ashton eyes the floor in front of him, which is covered in Calum’s clothes, “I hardly think that’s the case.”

He gets up, finding a pair of black skinny jeans. After sniffing them to make sure they’re clean, he hands them to Calum, “Put these on.”

+

“Michael?” Luke yells, his voice sounding panicky, “Michael!”

He hears the shower turn off, followed by a loud crash and then Michael bursts out of the bathroom, and into Luke’s room, with sopping wet hair and a towel around his waist, “What? Are you okay? What’s wr-”

He stops short as he catches sight of Luke. Luke is standing in front of his dresser. He’s wearing sweatpants and no shirt, and his own hair is damp from showering earlier.

“I don’t know what to wear,” Luke says somberly, eyeing his dresser.

His dresser is staring back at him very ominously.

“I hate you,” Michael picks up a pillow from Luke’s bed and throws it at him. He misses by a few inches, and plops down on Luke’s bed, defeated, “I jumped out of the fucking shower because I thought something was wrong. You sounded so distraught.”

“Something _is_ wrong,” Luke turns around to look at Michael, “I’m going on a _date_ with Calum and I don’t know what the fuck I should wear. I haven’t even fixed my hair yet. Oh god, how should I fix my hair?”

“Luke,” Michael says seriously, “You could show up in a fucking neon colored Christmas jumper with your hair in pigtails and Calum wouldn’t care.”

“How do you know?” Luke asks frantically.

“Because he’s head over heels for you,” Michael rolls his eyes, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“I want to impress him,” Luke admits sheepishly.

“You’ve been in the same band as him for three years. If you haven’t impressed him by now, I think it’s a lost cause,” Michael points out, quite unhelpfully in Luke’s opinion.

“Just help me pick out something to wear,” Luke pleads.

Michael sighs dramatically and goes over to Luke’s dresser. He shuffles around for a few moments before pulling out a simple black t-shirt, “Wear this and some skinny jeans, alright?”

+

Calum takes a deep breath. He’s standing outside of Luke’s room, and he can hear Luke talking quietly to Michael. He’s calmed down slightly, but the nerves are definitely still there. He knows he’s being ridiculous; Ashton is right, it’s only Luke.

But maybe he likes Luke more than he thinks is possible. And maybe he’s worried that Luke might change his mind. Maybe he just really doesn’t want to screw this up.

He knocks on the door four times.

There’s shuffling, then the sound of footsteps, and then the door opens, revealing Luke.

Luke’s wearing a scoop neck, black t-shirt that shows off his collarbones; a love bite that Calum had given him just the day before is very visible. His hair is pushed back in a quiff and he’s looking at Calum anxiously.

Calum realizes he probably should’ve said something by now.

“Hi.” (Apparently this is the best he can come up with.)

Luke fidgets with the hem of his shirt, “Hi.”

“Wow. You look…” Calum clears his throat; his brain has seemingly chosen this specific moment to forget any adjective fit for describing how attractive Luke looks.

“Oh my sweet fucking Jesus,” Michael runs a frustrated hand through his hair, making it stick up like a mad scientist, “You two are quite possibly the most ridiculous people I have ever met. Neither of you have an excuse to be awkward about this, you’ve known each other for god damn years.”

“Mikey-” Luke starts, looking alarmed.

“No,” Michael cuts him off, “Both of you are going to get your shit together right now and you’re going to go out and have a great time and then you’re gonna come back and have fantastic sex that will make Ash and I want to throw up, got it? _God_.” He sighs loudly, then storms off down the hallway.

Technically speaking, Michael makes a very good point.

Calum grabs Luke by the waist and pulls him into a kiss. He kisses Luke gently until he feels Luke relax against him.

“You look really fucking fit,” Calum tries again. Luke smiles against Calum’s lips as Calum presses another kiss to the younger boy’s mouth.

“You do too,” Luke mumbles, blushing slightly.

“Shall we?” Calum suggests.

Luke grins, “We shall.”

Calum laces his fingers through Luke’s as they walk down the hallway and into the living room. Ashton and Michael are waiting for them.

“Luke,” Ashton says, so seriously that Luke’s expression immediately turns to one of concern, “I would like to know what intentions you have with Calum.”

“Ash, you are making yourself an ample target for daddy jokes right now,” Michael mentions.

Calum snorts, trying not to laugh.

“I hate you all,” Ashton crosses his arms, pouting.

“You walked right into that one, mate,” Calum shrugs, patting Ashton on the head.

“Whatever,” Ashton says grumpily.

“What he really means, is ‘have a fuck load of fun, guys,” Michael wraps an arm around Ashton’s shoulders. He looks like he’s trying not to laugh, for Ashton’s sake.

Ashton sighs, “Yes. Have fun. Be safe. And try not to be too loud when you come home.”

“You’re still acting like a parent,” Luke says.

Ashton flips them off as form of goodbye.

+

They take the band car, with Calum driving. He pulls up directions to the restaurant on his phone. Green Day is playing on low volume on the radio.

“So where are we going, exactly?” Luke questions as Calum takes a left out of the flat’s parking lot.

“That’s a surprise,” Calum sees Luke scrunching up his face out of the corner of his eye.

“What if I don’t like surprises?” Luke sulks.

“Then I wouldn’t have very high hopes for this date,” Calum says, looking over at Luke as they pull up to a red light.

Luke leans over, pressing a soft kiss to Calum’s lips, “I guess I like surprises, then.”

“You’re distracting the driver,” Calum accuses, eyes flickering to the red light before back to Luke.

Luke bites down on Calum’s bottom lip, kissing Calum more aggressively this time.

Calum’s hand slips from the wheel, going to Luke’s neck and pulling him closer, his eyes fluttering shut.

He feels Luke’s smirk against his mouth, “The light just turned green.”

“Fuck you,” Calum reluctantly pulls away, stepping on the gas as the person behind him honks loudly.

“Maybe later, Cal,” Luke says offhandedly.

Calum slams on the break as the car ahead of him stops to turn. Another car honks at him.

“How the fuck did you pass your driver’s test?” Luke asks teasingly.

“I didn’t have _you_ in the car when I was taking it,” Calum is getting very flustered, “I see your nerves are gone, then.”

Luke laughs, “I don’t think so, really. I mean I’m trying to _not_ be nervous. And kissing you makes me not nervous. It’s kind of funny though. ‘Cause you’re the reason why I’m nervous in the first place, but you’re also the only person who has so far succeeded in making me not nervous.”

It becomes clear to Calum from Luke’s babbling that Luke’s nerves are very much not gone.

“Why do I make you nervous?” Calum asks curiously.

“Well it’s not you really, it’s the whole going on a date thing,” Luke bits his lip, “Spending a day on the couch or in bed or playing video games or going shopping are all things that aren’t a big deal. Even going out to get pizza or something isn’t a big deal. It’s natural and I don’t have to overthink anything cause it’s just things we _do_. But dates are like, _important_ , and they have all this anticipation surrounding them, you know? So, like, I end up thinking too much and worrying about things that I probably don’t have to worry about and kissing you makes it better.”

“Well I know the last few years have probably proven otherwise,” Calum says, “but I’m actually not that scary.”

Luke snorts, “Like I said, I’m worrying about things that I probably don’t have to worry about.”

The Green Day songs ends and ‘Always’ by Blink-182 starts seconds later. Luke turns up the volume; Calum knows he loves this song.

Ten minutes later they reach the restaurant. Calum found it online when he was looking for good date restaurants. It’s in a small building, but it’s clearly a nice place. A posh-looking couple dressed in formal wear enters the building as Calum pulls into an open parking space.

Calum takes the keys out of the ignition and unbuckles his seat belt, turning to Luke. He quickly scans the parking lot, but finding it empty save himself and Luke, his eyes return to the boy in front of him, “So, you said kissing me makes it better?”

Luke nods and Calum loves the way his pupils get bigger when Calum gets close to him like this.

Calum places his hand behind Luke’s neck again, pulling Luke into another gentle kiss, “I guess I’ll just have to keep kissing you then.”

“I think I could handle that,” Luke unbuckles his own seatbelt, “So what if there are fans inside?”

Calum climbs out of the car, leading Luke to the restaurant entrance, “I asked for a private table in the back.”

As they enter the building, Calum glances at his surroundings. There are tables scattered around the room, all covered in white table cloths. In the middle of each table is a delicate vase with a single rose. The room is mostly filled with adults in fancy clothing, similar to the couple Calum had seen only moments ago.

Calum realizes they’re probably extremely underdressed in skinny jeans and t-shirts. (Then again, Luke looks great so Calum doesn’t really care.)

They’re greeted by a short man in a white button up shirt and a black tie, “Good evening, gentlemen. Do you have a reservation tonight?”

“Yes,” Calum says, hoping Luke isn’t feeling too freaked out by all the classy looking adults.

“Name, please?”

“Calum Hood.” Calum grabs Luke’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

“Right this way, then.” The man smiles politely and grabs two menus. He proceeds to lead Calum and Luke into a separate room of the restaurant. The room has fewer tables in it, and, much to Calum’s relief, the tables are occupied by older people. He and Luke won’t have to worry about fans.

“Your waiter will be with you in a moment,” the man says, as he shows Calum and Luke to a two person table in the back corner of the room.

Calum and Luke sit down. Calum is still trying to gauge Luke’s reaction, “For the record, I had no idea it would be this high-end.”

“It’s alright,” Luke says sincerely, “We can pretend to be sophisticated adults.”

“I’d like to see you try that,” Calum laughs, “Think you could pull off a monocle?”

“Oh, definitely,” Luke says, mock serious.

Their waiter appears, then, carrying a water pitcher, “Hi, my name is Thomas and I’ll be serving you tonight- oh, hi Calum!”

Calum takes his gaze off of Luke to look up at Thomas’ face, and his stomach drops as he recognizes the dark haired boy grinning down at him. Calum’s mind skirts to sweaty bodies pressed close on a dance floor and lips on his neck and hands roaming his body- hands that would later be pulling him down into bed.

He clears his throat, not looking at Luke, “Hi, Thomas.”

“How’ve you been?” Thomas asks cheerfully. Calum thinks this might be one of the top ten worst things to happen on a date.

“Pretty good.” He wants to melt into his chair.

Thomas’ eyes move over to Luke, and he smirks, “I’m amazed. It looks like you actually got around to taking someone on a date.”

“So what are the specials tonight?” Calum asks loudly. He still can’t bring himself to look at Luke.

Thomas chuckles, pouring water into their empty glasses, “Alright, alright, I won’t be nosy. Tonight we’ve got an amazing white bean soup, the house salad is a classic Caesar with a homemade anchovy dressing. And then we’ve got the chef’s special. It’s basically a surprise dish- whatever the chef feels like making. It changes pretty much every day. Can I get you two anything to drink other than water?”

“Uh, could we have a few more minutes?” Calum manages to ask awkwardly.

“Of course!” Thomas says cheerfully, “I’ll be back.”

Calum chances a look at Luke, who’s watching Calum with confused eyes, “Wait, how do you- oh.” Luke seems to put the puzzle pieces together from the expression on Calum’s face, “Oh.”

“Luke-”

“No, it’s fine,” Luke insists, plastering a smile on his face, “It’s not important- it doesn’t matter. It’s fine.”

“Luke, listen,” Calum grabs Luke’s hand, “It was just a fuck alright? He’s just some random bloke I met in a bar when I was pissed.”

“What did he mean that you actually got around to taking someone on a date?” Calum can see the insecurity in Luke’s eyes and it makes him want to kick himself.

“I was really drunk…” Calum starts.

“What did he mean?” Luke insists.

“Look. I slept with him. And afterwards he said that we should go on a date sometime. I told him I didn’t do dates,” Calum can tell that Luke is trying to act casual.

“Why’d you tell him that?”

Calum looks at Luke seriously, “Because the only person I wanted to go on a date with was _you_.”

“Oh.”

“This is like one of those horrible rom-coms,” Calum comments.

“I’m sorry, I’m being stupid,” Luke twists his napkin in his hands.

“You’re not being stupid,” Calum shakes his head, “Let’s talk about something else, yeah?”

Luke shrugs. Calum can’t tell if he’s still bothered or not as he picks up the menu, “So what are you gonna get?”

“I was thinking maybe the chef’s special,” Calum suggests, “It sounds interesting.”

“Have you two gentlemen decided what you’d like to drink?” Thomas reappears before Luke has a chance to reply.

“I’ll have single malt beer,” Calum says.

“ID?” Thomas asks.

“C’mon mate,” Calum looks at him, trying to convey the fact that he _perfectly well_ knows Calum is eighteen.

“Restaurant rules,” Thomas holds his hands up in defense as Calum pulls his wallet out of his pocket and hands Thomas his ID, “Thanks. And you?” Thomas turns to Luke.

“Ginger ale,” Luke says shortly. Calum _really_ needs to get him a fake ID.

“Fantastic,” Thomas grins, then leaves again.

“I can’t believe you had sex with that guy,” Luke snorts.

“What? He’s not that bad,” Calum tries to defend his own honor.

“He’s so _cheerful_ ,” Luke observes, “I thought you were more into the brooding, sulky type.”

“Have I emphasized enough that I was _very_ drunk, Lucas,” Calum excuses, “And besides, _you’re_ my type.”

“I’m brooding and sulky,” Luke grins.

Thomas comes back moments later, placing their drinks down on the table, “Are you two ready to order? Or should I give you a few more minutes?”

“We’re both gonna get the chef’s special, I think,” Luke looks over at Calum to confirm this.

“Sounds good to me,” Calum nods, handing Thomas their menus.

Thomas takes them obligingly, looking at Luke, “You must be very special, you know, to be able to go on a date with Calum.”

“I know,” Luke mumbles. He smiles at Calum.

Thomas disappears again and Calum reaches across the table, poking Luke’s cheek.

“What was that for?” Luke giggles.

“You’re cute,” Calum says, taking a sip of his beer.

“I’m not cute, I’m metal,” Luke protests.

“Your mum toured with us last year,” Calum points out.

Luke scrunches up his face, “That’s cause I was just sixteen. I’m nearly eighteen right now. My level of punk rock-ness has grown.”

“Whatever ya say, _cutie_ ,” Calum grins.

“Hate you,” Luke pouts. He picks his straw out of his ginger ale and flicks it at Calum.

“Love you too, asshole,” Calum responds. He unfolds his napkin and wipes ginger ale off his face.

And it’s okay from there. They’re _Calum and Luke_ again. There aren’t any nerves or tension, and it’s just like it used to be; easy and natural and _just them_. They fall into comfortable conversation. Calum can hardly even remember why he was so nervous in the first place.

“Alright gentlemen,” Thomas reappears some forty minutes later, carrying two dishes, “The chef’s special tonight is a pig’s heart with a lemon sauce and a side of mushroom risotto. Enjoy!”

Luke waits until Thomas is out of hearing distance, his eyebrows raising, “ _Pig’s heart?_ ”

Calum chokes back a laugh, “I have _got_ to try this.”

“Are you serious?” Luke looks disgusted, but also amused.

“Try it,” Calum insists, cutting a piece off with his knife and fork, “We’ll both try it, yeah?”

Luke looks uncertain, “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“Try it.”

Calum waits until Luke hesitantly cuts off a piece for himself, and then puts the fork in his mouth. Luke does the same.

Calum chews, then swallows.

He tries not to gag. Luke doesn’t manage as well. He spits the chunk of food back onto his plate, taking a large gulp of ginger ale.

“That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted in my entire life,” Calum is trying very hard to contain his laughter. The people at the tables around them are starting to give them disapproving looks.

“I can’t believe you actually swallowed that,” Luke makes a face, taking another sip of ginger ale.

“Are we still talking about the pig heart or your come?”

An old lady at the table next to them clears her throat loudly, glaring at them. Luke chokes on his ginger ale.

“I think,” Calum pulls out his wallet, “that we should get the hell out of here.”

“I think that you are correct,” Luke agrees.

“Thomas?” Calum sees their waiter and calls to him, “Could we, uh, get the check?”

Thomas frowns, eyeing the spit out piece of meat on Luke’s plate, “Is everything okay?”

“Luke’s not feeling that great,” Calum excuses.

Luke drops the smile off his face and fake coughs, “I don’t know what’s come over me-” another fake cough, “-I’m feeling a bit queasy.”

“Right, well, I’ll get the check,” Thomas says, looking between Calum and Luke, clearly not understanding what exactly is going on.

“Why are you coughing? You’re supposed to be nauseous,” Calum smacks Luke lightly on the shoulder.

“Piss of, he believed me,” Luke shrugs.

“Barely,” Calum rolls his eyes.

“This really is like a bad rom-com, you know,” Luke observes.

“Shit,” Calum purses his lips, “That’s not really what you want to hear on a date.”

“Don’t worry,” Luke smiles, “They always have happy endings.”

Calum can’t stop himself from smiling back at Luke, “Lucas Hemmings, you are a fuckin’ sap.”

“You bring out the worst of me,” Luke  bites his lip.

“I never said it was a bad thing.”

“Alright, here’s your bill, please let me know if I can get you anything else,” Thomas says politely, placing the bill on the table.

“Thanks, I think we’re good,” Calum responds.

Calum pays for their uneaten meal, despite Luke’s protests to at least split the bill. On their way out of the restaurant, Thomas waves at Calum.

Calum smiles politely, “It was, um, nice seeing you again.”

“You too, have a good night, both of you.”

Calum turns to Luke, “Let’s go.”

They hurry out of the restaurant and into their car, and Calum is soon pulling out of the parking lot.

“Where are we going?” Luke asks, “Or is this a surprise too?”

“I was thinking we could roll a blunt and lie in the grass and look at the stars,” Calum takes his eyes temporarily off the road to look at Luke.

“You were just calling _me_ a sap?” Luke raises his eyebrows, “Eyes on the road, idiot.”

Calum laughs, looking back ahead of him, “So is that a yes or a no, then?”

“That’s a yes,” Luke leans over, pressing a kiss to Calum’s cheek.

Calum drives away from the busy city until they reach a park that Calum had noticed a while back when he’d taken a cab home from another one night stand.

There’s a playground with swing set and climbing structure, and it’s at the foot of a hill. Calum parks the car, and gets out, followed shortly by Luke.

Calum goes to the back of the car and pulls a toke bag out from under the seat. He closes the door and locks the car, “Follow me.”

They climb to the top of the hill and Calum drops the bag, before sitting down himself. Luke joins him, “Do you even know how to roll a blunt?”

“Zayn and Louis taught me a while ago,” Calum explains.

“Of course they did,” Luke laughs.

Calum hands Luke his phone, turning the flashlight on, “Here, hold this.”

“Won’t someone see us?”

“Nah, you can hardly see the top of the hill from the bottom,” Calum tells him, pulling a packet of rolling paper out of the bag, “Besides, it’s dark as shit outside and the park was totally empty when we got here. Shine the light over here. Have you got a lighter?”

“You hide weed in the band car but you don’t have a lighter?” Luke snorts.

“Piss off, do you have one or not?” Calum asks.

“You’re not very romantic,” Luke comments, pulling a lighter out of his back pocket.

Calum stops what he’s doing, leaning over to Luke to press a kiss to his mouth as he takes the lighter from Luke’s fingers, “Thanks for the lighter, baby.”

Luke smiles, “Alright, shall you have first hit or shall I?”

“Come here, open your mouth a bit.” Luke complies and Calum lights the blunt, putting his lips to the end of it and sucking. He leans so that his lips are just against Luke’s parted ones, and then he blows the smoke into Luke’s mouth.

They take turns taking hits until the blunt is gone, and then they lay back on the hill, looking up at the stars like Calum had suggested.

Calum finds Luke’s hand and he laces their fingers together. He’s not really sure how long they lie like that, but it feels like hours. Calum loves the feeling of Luke beside him, their hands wrapped together. It’s quiet enough that Calum can hear Luke’s breathing.

“Hey, Lukey?” The world is moving slowly and Calum’s lips feel heavy as he speaks.

“Yeah?” Luke looks over at Calum. The moon is bright enough that Calum can see his blue eyes, even in the dark.

“I want to kiss you,” Calum says softly.

“Why aren’t you, then?” Luke questions.

And that’s all the incentive Calum needs, really.

He rolls on top of Luke, smashing their lips together. His knees are on either side of Luke’s waist and he tangles his hands in Luke’s hair. Luke kisses Calum hungrily, gripping his fingers into Calum’s sides. His fingers feel like they’re burning Calum’s skin and Calum needs air but he doesn’t want to ever stop kissing Luke. _Luke_ is his air; Calum breathes him in like he’s the only oxygen Calum will ever need. Their legs are twisted together and Luke grabs Calum and rolls the both of them over so that Luke’s body crushes down against Calum’s. Calum still hasn’t come up for air but he gasps as Luke grinds against him and he tugs at Luke’s hair.

“I wanna ride you,” Luke pulls away, his lips puffy as they move down to Calum’s neck and begin sucking the skin.

“We’re on top of a fucking hill,” Calum laughs, but with Luke looking the way he is, kissing Calum the way he is, with his pupils blown and his puffy lips and his voice low and needy, Calum doesn’t think he’ll be able to deny Luke anything.

“You can hardly see the top of the hill from the bottom, it’s dark as shit outside and the park was totally empty when we got here,” Luke repeats Calum’s words from earlier.

“You want to ride me on top of a fucking hill in the middle of a public park,” Calum clarifies.

Luke nods.

“Fuck it, there’s lube and a condom in the bag,” Calum begins fumbling with the button on his jeans as Luke begins shuffling around the bag. He succeeds moments later and he kicks off his shoes, then pulls off his jeans, boxers, and shirt, leaving only his socks on. Calum finds this incredibly adorable as he takes off his own clothing.

Luke waits until Calum’s undressed completely before he bends down, attaching his lips to the head of Calum’s dick and swirling his tongue around the tip, clearly feeling inclined to take his time. He wraps his fingers around the base of Calum’s shaft and begins pumping as he slowly swallows a considerable amount of Calum’s length.

At that point, Calum’s mind pretty much stops processing the grass scratching his back and the far away sound of London traffic and the only thing his brain is really capable of registering is _Luke_.

Luke pulls away, and Calum hears him uncap the lube bottle. He watches as Luke coats his fingers in lube, then reaches down and slowly slides his index finger into himself. He pauses, adjusting to the feeling, and then he slowly starts moving his finger, working himself for a few minutes and then adding second finger.

And fuck it if Luke fingering himself isn’t the hottest thing Calum’s ever seen.

Luke moans as he fits a third finger into himself. His dick is leaking pre-come, it looks painfully hard, and Calum only lets Luke prep himself for another minute before he grabs Luke’s wrist, pulling Luke’s finger’s out of him. Luke whines at the loss, but his mind quickly catches up with Calum’s actions and he eagerly waits for Calum to roll on a condom and slick up his dick with lube. Luke bites his lip in anticipation.

Calum keeps one hand wrapped around his dick as Luke positions himself over the tip. He grips Luke’s waist tightly with his other hand, and Luke grasps Calum’s forearm, his fingernails digging into the skin, as he slowly lowers himself down.

His breathing is ragged, chest rising and falling heavily and his face is screwed up in concentration. Calum moves his other hand so that he’s holding Luke’s hips, helping support the younger boy as he drops down the rest of the way.

Calum lets his hands wander from Luke’s hips to his thighs, and then back to his ass, squeezing gently as he waits for Luke to adjust, “You okay, baby?”

As way of response, Luke rises up, still gripping Calum’s forearm, until just the tip of Calum’s dick is inside him. He drops down with a sharp intake of breath, biting his lip so hard that Calum’s surprised he hasn’t drawn blood yet, then rising up again and repeating his actions. He’s sloppy at first, obviously having never done this before, but he quickly works out a rhythm.

Calum has never believed the whole bullshit about having your breath taken away, but he thinks now, he might know what people were talking about.

Luke’s eyes are pressed shut and his mouth has fallen open, soft moans tumbling out of his pretty red lips. The moonlight is shining right on Luke’s sweaty body; his cheeks are flushed and his stomach muscles are clenching as he fucks himself on Calum’s dick.

Luke moans loudly as he hits his prostate and he leans back, trying to hit it again. He wraps a fist around his own length, beginning to clumsily get himself off as he continues riding Calum.

Calum pulls Luke’s hand away, “Think you can come just from this?”

Luke whimpers, but he nods, and he picks up his speed. He moans every time his prostate is hit, mumbling incoherently, and then suddenly his motions falter and he cries out as long spurts of come shoot onto his stomach. Calum rolls them over, pressing Luke into the grass and fucking aggressively into him. He reaches his orgasm within four thrusts, coming hard into the condom.

Luke is still catching his breath as Calum pulls out of him and discards the condom, his own breathing heavy as well.

He collapses beside Luke,  looking up at the sky. When he feels his heartbeat return to a somewhat normal pace, he can’t help but ask, “Are you _sure_ you’ve never done that before?”

Luke laughs, “I googled it.”

“Loser,” Calum mumbles affectionately.

“Fuck you.”

“I think you just did.”

Luke giggles, at the same time as his stomach growls loudly, “I’m really hungry.”

“We never did get around to actually eating,” Calum points out, “What do you want?”

“A cheeseburger,” Luke says immediately, “I want a cheeseburger so fucking bad.”

“I’m sober enough to drive,” Calum offers. He realizes they must’ve been at the park longer than he’d thought, because he’s mostly come down from his high.

“I cannot even put into words how badly I want a cheeseburger,” Luke emphasizes. He grabs the clothing item closest to him, which happens to be Calum’s shirt, and wipes his stomach off with it.

“Thanks for getting your come all over my shirt,” Calum remarks sarcastically as he finds his boxers and pants, “Now my shirt is dirty.”

“It was a ploy to keep you shirtless,” Luke informs him.

“All you had to do was ask,” Calum winks at him.

They get dressed, then start making their way down the hill. Calum is relieved to see that the park is still empty, meaning the likelihood that someone had heard them is small. It dawns on him that they didn’t exactly try to be quiet.

Calum blames the drugs (even though it probably comes down to the fact that he loves hearing Luke).

Within ten minutes Calum is pulling the car into a McDonald’s drive-through. A girl asks them through the speaker what they want and Calum orders two double cheeseburgers, a twenty pack of McNuggets, a large root beer, and a large fries.

They pull up to the window to pay and are greeted by a tall girl with red hair and a headset.

“ _OhmygodCalumandLuke_ ,” the girl’s eyes widen.

Calum is aware of the fact that his come-stained shirt is in the trunk and that his neck has at least two newly formed love bites on it. He also knows that Luke has definite sex hair going on and that they both look properly fucked.

“I’m such a big fan of you guys, ohmygod.” The girl doesn’t seem to take note of any of these things, so maybe Calum doesn’t have to worry.

“Thanks, love, that means a lot to us,” Calum smiles at her.

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” the girl chuckles. (Okay, maybe she’s not as oblivious as Calum had hoped.)

“It got dirty,” Calum says, knowing that Luke is very likely smirking.

“Are you guys on a date?” the girl asks bluntly. She seems to have regained her composure.

Calum laughs awkwardly, “What? No, of course not.”

The girl shrugs, “Alright, can I take a picture of you guys?”

“Of course, babe,” Luke answers. Calum really doesn’t think this is a good idea, but he can hardly object without seeming like an asshole.

“I’ll be right back. Also, your total is eleven thirty three,” the girl disappears.

Luke leans over, his lips ghosting over Calum’s neck.

“Stop it, she’s coming back,” Calum pushes Luke away, pulling the right amount of money out of his wallet. Luke frowns, but he doesn’t argue.

The girl returns with her phone and their food. She hands them their food and takes Calum’s money, putting it in the cash register, then holds up her phone, “Okay, say cheese!”

Luke unbuckles his seat belt, leaning forward. His shoulder is pressed against Calum’s and he gives a thumbs up. Calum smiles widely, trying to ignore the fact that this picture is going to be on Twitter and Tumblr within the next five minutes for everyone to see.

The girl’s flash goes off and she grins happily at them, “Thank you so much guys. I really, really enjoy your music. You’ve made such a big difference in my life.”

“That’s exactly what we want to hear,” Calum keeps smiling, “Have a good night, babe.”

“Yeah, have an awesome night,” Luke says.

“You too,” the girl looks incredibly happy as she shuts the glass window.

Calum pulls into the darkest parking lot, farthest away from street lights, where they’re also slightly hidden by trees. He stops the car and unbuckles his seatbelt, then reaches in the bag and hands Luke his much awaited cheeseburger.

Calum turns the radio on; the channel from earlier is playing "Check Yes, Juliet".

“I love this song,” Luke says, his mouth full.

They eat their food, letting the radio fill the silence. It’s comfortable though, and that’s just another thing Calum can add to the long list of things he likes about Luke; it’s not ever uncomfortable, even when they’re not talking.

By the time they’ve eaten all the food they ordered, the car clock says it’s 1:24. "Let’s Be Animals" by The Downtown Fiction comes on. Calum leans over, kissing Luke. Both of their mouths taste like crappy fast food, but neither one of them seem to care. Calum gets out of his seat and climbs onto Luke’s lap, placing one hand behind Luke’s neck and running his other through Luke’s hair. Luke’s hands are running up and down Calum’s bare torso. He drags his fingernails down Calum’s back.

And it’s like time stands still. The only thing that seems to matter is that their mouths are pressed together, hot and wet, tongues and teeth colliding. And all Calum can feel, all he wants, all he _needs_ is Luke.


	9. and the end is unknown, but i think i'm ready as long as you're with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fans love to speculate and luke's parents see things on twitter. calum's parents don't, but he tells them anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I'M LITERALLY SO AWFUL AT UPDATING PLZ FORGIVE ME  
> I ACTUALLY FINISHED THE CHAPTER EARLY YESTERDAY BUT MY WONDERFUL WONDERFUL EDITOR OWYN SUGGESTED A NEW DIRECTION FOR THE FIC TO GO IN AND IT'S GONNA BE SO MUCH BETTER NOW (BUT LIKE I ALSO HAD TO REWRITE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER LAST NIGHT)  
> ANYWAY HERE YOU GO THIS CHAPTER IS RLLY SHORT SRRY BUT IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN IT'S LIKE A FILLER CHAPTER OK YEAH  
> PLZ LOV ME  
> XOXO  
> 

Calum has probably been staring at Luke long enough for it to be considered creepy. He can’t help it though, Luke is just so _pretty_ when he’s asleep (he’s actually pretty all the time, but like, that’s not the point). It’s just that Calum is so ridiculously full of total adoration for the boy next to him that he kind of feels like he’s going to burst open.

Luke is lying on his back, his head turned to the side, away from Calum. The blankets have slid down to his mid stomach, revealing his bare chest. Calum is lying on his side, right next to Luke. They’re both still naked from the night before. Calum reaches out and runs his fingers over Luke’s skin, then presses his lips against Luke’s neck, not leaving a mark, just lightly brushing over the skin.

Luke’s eyes slowly open and he turns his head, blinking sleepily at Calum, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Calum smiles, leaning his head closer to Luke so that he can connect their lips.

He pulls away after a moment, rolling onto his back and looking at Luke thoughtfully. He sighs happily, “You’re really amazing, you know that?”

Luke’s cheeks slowly become tinged with red, and he rolls over, burying his face against Calum’s shoulder, “Shut up.”

“ _Why?_ ” Calum whines. He thinks he has every right to tell Luke how he feels about him (even if it does make him blush).

“You’re weird,” Luke answers. Calum doesn’t really think this is a proper response but he lets it go. He cups the back of Luke’s neck with his hand and pulls him into another kiss, lightly sucking on Luke’s bottom lip until Luke opens his mouth, allowing Calum’s tongue to explore the inside.

“I’m serious,” Calum says in between kisses, “You’re fucking amazing. Everything about you is fucking amazing. Your lips.” Calum presses another kiss to Luke’s mouth, then moves his lips along Luke’s jawline and down his neck. “And your collarbones.” Calum trails his lips from Luke’s collarbones down his chest, gently sucking on Luke’s nipples. “Your body.”

“You’re still weird,” Luke laughs.

“Your laugh is amazing,” Calum smiles as he presses kisses down Luke’s happy trail. He stops at Luke’s growing hard on, smirking teasingly up at Luke, “And your dick.”

Luke snorts, “Are you trying to be romantic?”

Instead of answering, Calum grips the base of Luke’s cock and  lazily starts sucking on it. A satisfied smile plays at Luke’s lips as Calum swallows as much of Luke’s cock as he can. He squeezes Luke’s balls gently, causing Luke’s mouth to fall open as he moans quietly.

Calum pulls his lips off of Luke’s cock with a pop, and he climbs off the bed, trying to ignore his own erection. He quickly finds his bag by the door and pulls the lube and a condom out of it.

He climbs back onto the bed and opens the container of lube, coating a generous amount onto his fingers. Luke takes Calum’s first finger easily, but Calum wants to draw this out. He takes his time before adding a second finger and slowly scissoring his fingers inside of Luke. He loves the breathy moans that Luke is making and the way he squirms down against Calum’s fingers.

Calum adds a third finger, giving him a better angle and his finger lightly brushes against Luke’s prostate.

Luke groans, “Need you.”

Calum nods, gently pulling his fingers out of Luke. He rips open the condom and slides it on, then lathers his cock with lube. Calum presses Luke’s knees against his chest, fitting his hips in between Luke’s legs as he slowly slides in. Luke wraps his legs around Calum’s waist and reaches up, lacing his fingers through Calum’s hair. Calum’s eyes are trained on Luke as he begins slowly thrusting into him. Their gazes lock; Calum thinks Luke has the most beautiful eyes in the entire world. Luke pulls Calum’s head down, connecting their lips and kissing him fervently. Calum’s angle changes, then, and he hits Luke’s prostate, Luke gasping against Calum’s mouth, his eyes fluttering shut. Calum continues his slow pace, but he focuses on hitting Luke’s sweet spot every time, causing Luke to come undone beneath him.

“Calum I’m not gonna last much-” Luke’s breath catches as Calum reaches down and grips Luke’s cock.

He jerks his wrist, matching the pace at which he’s thrusting into Luke and soon Luke is crying out, squeezing his eyes shut as come shoots onto his stomach. Calum follows shortly after, riding through his orgasm before pulling out of Luke and discarding the condom.

Luke curls up against Calum, resting his head on Calum’s chest.

“You’re amazing,” Calum whispers, pressing a kiss into Luke’s hair.

Luke still doesn’t have a response for this but he doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself from grinning.

After a half an hour of lying there together,  something Calum thoroughly enjoys even if they’re technically not doing anything, Luke grabs his phone from the nightstand, and unlocks it, opening the twitter app. Calum watches Luke’s blissful, relaxed expression slowly turn into a frown.

“What?” Calum asks, concerned.

“Um,” Luke says, his frown deepening, “We’re trending. Worldwide.”

Calum is confused, “The band is? Why?”

Luke shakes his head, “Not the band. You and me.”

He turns his phone so that Calum can see the screen, which is currently on the top worldwide trends.

#CalumandLuke

#Cake

#ICan’tSleepBecause

#JustinBieber

#TMHT

#TeamCake

#FashionWeek

#DidItForTheVine

#LukeHemmings

#CalumHood

“Shit,” Calum murmurs, “Click on one of them.”

Luke hesitantly taps the first hashtag, and, well, it could be worse. There’re a fair amount of fans telling people off for “shipping” the boys romantically, and a large amount of fans calling people crazy for jumping to conclusions. But then, for every two tweets against the rumors, there are four tweets insisting that Calum and Luke dating is the only explanation for the picture below (and when Luke opens the picture, Calum can hardly blame them).

Calum knew this was going to happen, really, it had been nothing but careless to let a fan take a picture of them when they were… like that, but the enormity of it hadn’t really hit him until now.

“What do we do?” Luke asks. He’s biting his lip nervously.

“Ignore it until it goes away?” Calum suggests. He’s at much of a loss as Luke is.

“We’re trending _worldwide_ ,” Luke emphasizes, continuing to scroll through the hashtag.

Calum takes his phone from him, shutting it off, “Okay. This is just like reading hate. You’re not going through every single tweet.”

Luke is about to respond, but he’s cut off by his phone ringing loudly in Calum’s hand. He grabs it back from Calum and looks at the screen, before answering it, “Hi, mum.”

Calum sighs, flopping back on the pillow. This could be really bad. It’s not that he minds fan speculation, really, it will always be there, but Calum had kind of been hoping to keep their relationship more private. Whatever he has with Luke is worth holding onto with his last breathe- the last thing he wants is for the public to pick it apart.

+

“Hi, Mum,” Luke tries to keeps his voice steady as he answers the phone. His mum will know if something’s off, “What’s up?”

“Hi, baby,” despite the fact that Luke’s nerves are incredibly jumbled right now, and he’s fighting an internal battle over what to tell his mum, her voice is calming, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Luke responds automatically, glancing at Calum, smiling bracingly at him. He wonders what Calum’s thinking; if he’s freaking out as much as Luke is right now, “How’re you?”

“I’m good too, love, I haven’t heard from you in a while,” his mum doesn’t sound accusing, just concerned, “What’s new? How’s Calum?”

_Well, fuck._

“He’s good too,” Luke says slowly. He’s glad he’s lying in bed; he thinks he might pass out of he was standing up, “Why are you calling? It’s eight in the morning here, Mum, we’re nine hours earlier than you, remember?”

“Well you’re awake, aren’t you? Besides, this is important. I was just on twitter, honey, and I don’t know how to use that website very well but I did see some interesting things on it,” Luke might as well just give up now because there’s no way he’s successfully lying to his mum and surviving this phone conversation.

“Right,” Luke manages to say, “Um.”

“Luke Robert Hemmings,” his mum’s voice is stern, even if her affection for him is bleeding through, “what are you not telling me?”

“I’mdatingCalum?” Luke’s words a mushed together, and it comes out as more of a question, like he isn’t really sure of the fact or not. Luke’s eyes are studying the ceiling, but he sees Calum out the corner of his eye, looking at him questioningly.

“Alright,” his mum says calmly.

“Is that okay?” Luke asks tentatively.

His mum pauses, then says, “Of course it is. I’ll always love you, sweetie.”

Luke lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He tries to slow down his heartbeat, which has sped up an alarming amount, “Okay.”

“I just want to hear it from you, love,” his mum scolds him gently, “Not over twitter.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke apologizes, “It just happened. I promise I’ll tell you sooner, though, if anything else happens.”

“Okay, baby,” it sounds like his mum is smiling, “I love you. And if you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks Mum, I love you too,” Luke chances a glance over at Calum, who’s smiling again.

“And call me more often,” his mum chides, “You’re only seventeen and it worries me half to death when I don’t hear from you for over a week.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Luke says quickly, “I promise I will. Love you Mum, I’ll call you soon.”

“Love you too, baby,” Luke’s mum says. He waits until he hears her end of the call disconnect before he pulls the phone away from his ear.

“So is it weird, then, if I call you baby during sex?” Calum questions, obviously having overheard parts of Luke’s conversation with his mother.

Luke laughs, despite himself, “Piss off.”

“I’m just wondering,” Calum holds his hands up in defense, “It’s a fair question. It could be weird.”

“It’s different,” Luke groans, rolling on top of Calum and quieting him with a kiss, “Now shut up.”

“So that didn’t go too bad, then,” Calum says cheerfully.

“I guess,” Luke shrugs. He feels relieved, but he also feels like something bad is about to happen, “I dunno what the rest of my family is gonna say, though. Are you gonna tell yours?”

“Of course I am,” Calum grins cheekily, “But seeing as neither of my parents know how to use the internet, and therefore will see nothing on twitter, I’m just gonna have to talk to them about you so much they’ll hang up on me.”

Luke rolls his eyes, “And when are you planning on doing that?”

“Pushy,” Calum tuts. He reaches out and grabs his phone off the bed table, unlocking it and opening his contacts.

“What are you doing?” Luke asks as Calum scrolls through his list of contacts.

Calum merely waggles his eyebrows at Luke, then clicks on a contact and puts the phone up to his ear.

He waits, and then the person on the other end apparently answers, “Hi Mum… I’m good how’re you… Shit- I mean shoot, sorry I didn’t know you’d be eating right now… I know, I know, watch my language, sorry Mum… Anyway I was wondering if I could Skype you and Dad later?… I have some really great news… No it’s not about the band, it’s personal… I promise I’ll tell you everything later… What about eleven my time?… That’s eight at night for you guys… Okay I’ll let you get back to dinner now… Sorry again… Tell Dad I say ‘hi’… I’ll talk to you soon… Love you too, Mum… Bye.”

“ _Really?_ ” Luke asks, trying not to give in to smile fighting its way onto his face. He can’t help it. The stupid, self-satisfied grin on Calum’s face is endearing.

“Yes, now come take a picture with me,” Calum demands, opening up his camera app.

“Why?” Luke asks.

“Because,” Calum leans over, pressing his lips against Luke’s cheek. He snaps the picture, then pulls away to look at it. Luke has his nose scrunched up, the hints of a smile playing on his lips. Calum’s eyes are closed, his lips on Luke’s cheek. Calum adds the picture to a new text message.

“Who’re you sending that too?” Luke questions, poking Calum’s side.

“Mali,” Calum grins, then types out a quick message under the picture- _‘guess my boyfriends cuter than urs now… srry xoxo’_ \- and hits send, “There.”

“Are you trying to prove something?” Luke questions, slightly amused by the accomplished expression on Calum’s face.

“Just that I want to tell my family all about us,” Calum kisses Luke’s nose, then laughs when he realizes his phone has already buzzed multiple times.

Mali 8:34 _WAIT_  
Mali 8:34 _ARE U SERIOUS  
_ Mali 8:34 _LOSER  
_ Mali 8:35 _MY BOYF IS HOTTER  
_ Mali 8:35 _(srry luke)_

Luke can’t help but smile. He feels elated, giddy, and he really wants to kiss Calum again, “You’re crazy.”

“I just like you,” Calum murmurs. He’s still smiling like an idiot as Luke leans over and kisses him. Luke wants to memorize the way Calum’s lips feel against his.

Luke breaks away from Calum to yawn, “Why are we up so early, by the way?”

“Dunno,” Calum shrugs, “I woke up and I was horny so I made you wake up too.”

“You’re such a teenager,” Luke says, nipping at Calum’s neck with his teeth.

“And you’re not?” Calum raises his eyebrows.

“I’d like to think I’m more mature than you,” Luke teases.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Calum laughs, “So we have three hours until I’m supposed to Skype my parental units. What do you want to do?”

Luke thinks for a moment, “Well, I want to go back to sleep. But I also want to make you breakfast.”

“I like where you’re going with this, tell me more,” Calum yawns and stretches his arms out, wrapping one around Luke’s waist and pulling him closer.

Luke wonders if the butterflies will ever go away or if he’ll feel like this every time he’s close to Calum, “I could make pancakes. And tea.”

“A breakfast for champions,” Calum says sarcastically, but he’s smiling at Luke like Luke could offer him dirt and he’d still find Luke the most amazing person he’s ever met.

Luke hopes Calum never stop looking at him like that.

+

“You ready?” Calum is trying to read Luke’s expression, but Luke, for once, is actually doing a good job at keeping it neutral. Calum is about to Skype call his mum, and he’d begged Luke to be there with him enough that Luke had finally given in. Calum, however, is rethinking this now. He doesn’t want Luke to feel pressured or nervous or uncomfortable (and Calum is pretty worried that Luke is, in fact, already feeling all of these things).

“I’m fine, Calum, don’t worry,” Luke says, probably for the twentieth time.

“Okay, okay,” Calum takes a deep breath before hitting the call button. It rings for a minute, and then Calum’s mum and dad appear.

They’re sitting in the living room and Calum is instantly hit with a wave of homesickness as he takes in the familiar surroundings.

“Hi Cal!” his mum says loudly. She still hasn’t figured out that she doesn’t need to scream for Calum to be able to hear her. She looks at Luke with a little bit of confusion, probably wondering what he has to do with Calum’s great news, but she seems happy to see him nonetheless, “Hi Luke!”

“Hi, mum,” Calum smiles. He’s missed his parents, “Hi, dad.”

“Hi, Calum,” his dad smiles back at him, “Hi Luke.”

“Hello,” Luke waves at Calum’s parents.

Calum’s mum wastes no time in getting to the point, “So what did you want to tell us? We’re going crazy wondering what it is.”

Calum squeezes Luke’s hand tightly off camera, “Right. So. I like girls. But I also like guys. I’m bi. And I’m…with Luke.”

“I knew it!” his mum’s face breaks into a grin.

“Wait, what?” Calum doesn’t know how he was expecting parents to react, but this wasn’t it.

“Oh, you’ve always had a crush on Luke,” Calum’s mum sighs that way that mother’s do when they think they know more than you and Calum can feel himself blushing, “It was obvious. It was just a matter of time, really.”

Calum’s dad is rolling his eyes, “I’m happy for you. For both of you.”

“I am too,” Calum’s mum agrees, “Really. Have you told Mali, yet?”

“I texted her. She said her boyfriend was still hotter than mine,” Calum pretends to pout.

“Don’t tell her I said this, but he’s not,” Calum’s mum winks at Luke.

Luke blushes, but he seems much more relaxed now that it’s clear they have the OK from Calum’s parents, “My lips are sealed.”

They talk about the band after that, filling Calum’s mum and dad in on the upcoming tour and the album details. Eventually Calum’s dad says goodnight and goes to bed, but Calum’s mum stays longer to ask more questions about Luke and Calum. She pesters Calum to tell her all about their first date, and Calum reluctantly obliges (though he leaves out the shot-gunning and the public fucking).

When they finally say goodbye to her as well, Calum feels incredibly happy. He hadn’t really given that much thought to his parents support, but he realizes it feels incredibly good to have it.

“That went well,” Luke observes.

“Yeah,” Calum feels like he’s lifted a huge weight off his chest that he didn’t even know was there and now he feels incredibly light, “I’m really happy.”

Luke smiles at him adoringly. They end up naked, in bed again. Calum thinks that he doesn’t mind putting up with the whole of twitter if this is what it’s for.

+

Luke watches Calum with a sort of detached interest as Calum tells Ashton about their date. It’s around noon and Ashton and Calum are sitting on the couch in the living room. Luke is leaning against the counter in the kitchen, holding a cup of tea. There’s music playing softly in the background and it feels festive, like a party, even though it’s just the four of them.

“So everything went well, then?” Michael comes into the kitchen, going over to the refrigerator and pulling out the orange juice. He pours himself a glass, then puts the container back in the fridge.

“Yeah,” Luke smiles, “Everything is going really well.”

“That’s awesome!” Michael comes over to Luke and pats him on the back affectionately.

“His parents were really supportive,” Luke informs Michael happily as he takes a sip of tea, “And my mom said that as long as I was happy then she was too.”

Michael pulls Luke into a hug, “I’m really happy for you guys.”

Luke hugs him back, pulling away when he feels his phone vibrate. He puts his tea down on the counter and takes his phone out of his back pocket, looking at the screen. His dad is calling him.

“I have to get this, I’ll be right back,” Luke excuses himself, going into his bedroom, where it’s quieter.

“Hi dad!” Luke is feeling unusually optimistic, maybe because he’s already talked to his mum and Calum’s parents. He assumes that’s why his dad is calling, at least, to talk about Calum. His mum wouldn’t have told his dad, would’ve let Luke do that himself, but his dad had inevitably been on twitter too.

“Hello, Luke,” his dad greets him. Luke knows his dad won’t be as supportive as his mum was, or as Calum’s parents were, but he thinks it will all go over smoothly, at least.

“What’s up?” Luke asks brightly.

“I’m going to cut to the chase,” Luke’s stomach drops at the serious tone in his dad’s voice, his high hopes quickly tumbling down, “I’ve seen some pretty concerning rumors online today. Now, I know your mum and I have raised you right, and I don’t think you’d ever go down that path, but I need you to be honest with me. Are you and Calum involved with each other?”

Luke doesn’t think it’s fair that one person’s words can have the power to shatter his entire world. All the elation he’s been feeling from everyone’s support, all his happiness pops, like a balloon, and it shrivels up inside of him.

“Luke? Are you still there?” his dad’s voice sounds concerned, like he’s truly worried,  “Are you and Calum seeing each other?”

Luke hates himself, really, for what he says next, “Of course not. We would never do that. Calum and I are just friends.”

“Good,” his dad sounds thrilled, almost, “I’m relieved to hear that. Believe me, I would never expect you to stray aside like that, you’ve grown into a good man, but I just had to be sure. You understand, don’t you?”

“Of course, dad,” Luke hears himself say. It’s like he’s not in his body, like he’s watching from afar as this boy who looks like him tells his father things that aren’t true and he feels like screaming at this boy, shaking him, asking him why he would lie about one of the best things to ever happen to him, but he’s frozen, all he can do is listen to himself. It feels like something inside of him breaks.

“I have to go then, Luke, it was nice talking to you,” his dad says, like he’s just had a business meeting and now he’s shaking someone’s hand over a contract, “I’m glad we sorted everything out.”

“Bye, dad,” Luke responds. The line goes dead. Luke sits down on his bed, staring at his phone in his hands, like maybe, if he stares hard enough, everything will be okay. He tries to breathe properly but it feels like he _can’t_ breathe. He wants to wrap himself up in Calum, but he doesn’t think he could bear to look Calum in the eye, not when he’s just blatantly lied to his dad like that.

“Luke? Is everything okay?” Calum is standing in the doorway, like a fucking guardian angel and Luke wants to hit something, “You were gone for a while, so I got worried.”

Luke forces a smile onto his face, ignores the fact that every fiber of his body is screaming that something is _wrong_ , “Everything’s fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody is wondering how i write my fics here is my chapter outline for this chapter:
> 
> calum wakes up from date w luke  
> morning sex vvv sweet  
> go on twitter and see cake stuff  
> oh no  
> lukeys mom calls luke  
> luke tells mom abt calum  
> calum calls skypes fam and tells them  
> yay supportive hood family  
> luke gets call from daddio  
> oh no
> 
> (owyn said i should post this ok i'm srry)  
> (P.S. I'M SURE LUKE'S DAD IS ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE GUY NOT A HOMOPHOBIC DICKFACE SO NO OFFENSE INTENDED IT'S JUST FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE STORY)


	10. if there are boundaries, i will try to knock them down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luke is a fucking closed book and calum feels helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oH GOD. okay. my friends. I ACTUALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER A DAY EARLY??? LIKE???? IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE?? I GOT SO EXCITED THAT I'M ON TIME THIS CHAPTER THAT I DECIDED TO POST A DAY EARLY. but you're probably all going to hate me after reading this anyway so don't thank me yet. i hope in some twisted painful way this chapter is enjoyable for you. also i'm not sure how much i'm going to be able to write this coming week but i will try my freaking hardest to upload a chapter next sunday. my apologies if i don't though (i rlly rlly will try i promise). lots and bunches of love (and cookies & blankets & hot chocolate bc angst). xoxoxoxo

It’s three in the morning and Luke can’t think of anything he wants to do more right now than get drunk or high (or anything, really, to make himself stop thinking). Calum had finally fallen asleep some thirty minutes ago, probably because Luke had actually stayed still for a long enough duration of time to convince the older boy that he wasn’t still awake himself.

The fact that Calum can’t fall asleep until he knows Luke has should probably make Luke love him even more than he already does (which is probably too much for his own good), but right now it’s just making everything worse.

See, Luke doesn’t know what he did to deserve Calum, and every new wonderful thing about Calum that pops into his head just makes him question this even more. It’s really too late to even be thinking this much but Luke can hardly help the toxic thoughts swirling around his brain and he feels like shit and he can’t stop noticing more wonderful things about Calum. It’s really not getting him anywhere.

Everything had been good; the phone call with his mum had gone over well and they had support from Calum’s family and Luke wasn’t expecting his father to throw him a fucking congratulations party but he’d hardly been prepared for _that_ curveball. (It hit him pretty fucking hard.)

Luke had barely gotten through the rest of the day. They’d ordered pizza and binge watched “How I Met Your Mother” but Luke wasn’t hungry and he’d been too caught up in his thoughts to find anything Barney Stinson said funny.

Calum had been shooting him questioning looks all day and Luke had been shrugging them off, responding with reassuring smiles and distracting kisses. Calum had quite obviously wanted to talk about it when they’d eventually retired to Calum’s room, even if he didn’t know what _it_ was, but Luke had claimed exhaustion and quickly gotten ready for bed. He couldn’t, and still can’t, bring himself to tell Calum about his dad. It makes him feel dirty and sick and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to pretend it never happened, really. (Except that, he can’t stop thinking about it.)

Luke hates lying to Calum and he hates lying to his dad about Calum. Calum is one of the best things that’s ever happened to him right up there with getting to play music for a living. But he had completely choked up at the tone in his dad’s voice and the way he was pressing for Luke to tell him that he was straight as a fucking board.

Luke thinks it’s funny how everything wonderful can turn to shit within a four minute phone conversation and he’s at a complete loss of what to do.

He supposes drowning his problems in drugs and alcohol probably isn’t a very good solution, but then again, it’s not like he’s a fucking saint. And it seems like a good start, anyway.

Luke double checks that Calum is asleep and then he slips out of Calum’s room. He makes it to the kitchen, only bumping into two chairs and stubbing his toe with a whispered profanity once. He turns the flashlight on his phone on and searches the liquor cabinet for the bottle of vodka Ashton had bought a couple weeks ago. He considers getting a glass, but he stubs his toe again on the way to the shelf the glasses are kept on and he gives up.

He ends up taking the whole bottle out on the balcony with him. The sliding glass door is luckily quiet, and doesn’t creak like the front door does, so he easily gets outside without making too much noise. He doesn’t bother shutting the door behind him, sitting down in one of the balcony chairs.

He starts off taking a huge gulp. The vodka burns his throat a little as it goes down, but he swallows past it.

He’s probably had half a dozen shots worth when he starts to feel numb. Luke figures he’ll pay Ashton back for whatever he drinks. He likes this feeling (it makes the sound in his dad’s voice sting less). He’s not really sure how long he sits out there, but the night sky is pretty and he likes the sound of the city not too far away.

“Come back to bed, Luke,” Calum’s voice makes him jump and he nearly drops the bottle of vodka, but he can’t quite bring himself to be annoyed about that. Calum looks tired and concern is written all over his face.

“How long have you been there?” Luke asks, he swears his words are only a little slurred. He takes another sip of the vodka before Calum steps out onto the balcony and forcibly takes it away from him.

“Long enough,” Calum’s voice is icy and Luke realizes that annoyance is mixed in with the concern.

“Are you mad at me?” Luke pouts. He hates it when Calum is angry with him and he already feels terrible enough as it is.

“No,” Calum snaps. Luke isn’t convinced.

Calum takes a deep breath, “No. I’m not. I just don’t want you going down some fucking self-destructive path over whatever the fuck is wrong- which I’m still completely in the dark about, by the way.”

Luke glares at Calum, “I’m not going down some fucking self-destructive path.”

“Then what, pray tell, were you just doing?” Calum challenges, holding up the vodka.

“Having a fucking drink,” Luke says, his voice laced with bitterness.

Calum laughs, but he doesn’t seem to be finding any of this humorous, “More like half the fucking bottle.”

Luke shrugs.

“Come back to bed,” Calum repeats, his voice softer this time.

Reluctantly, Luke stands up. The porch only spins a little bit. Calum reaches a hand out and Luke gratefully steadies himself, letting Calum lead them back to Calum’s bedroom. He doesn’t bump into anything this time.

Calum flops onto the bed; he’s clearly tired. Luke wonders if he’d woken up because he’d felt the half empty bed and he finds himself once again deliberating what he’s done to deserve Calum. He pushes the thoughts from his mind though, as Calum holds his arms out for Luke to collapse into. Luke rests his head against Calum’s chest; he can hear Calum’s heartbeat, slow and steady.

“I’m sorry.” Luke slurs.

“Can you, _please_ ,” Calum seems like he’s choosing his words carefully, “just _talk_ to me okay? I’m your boyfriend and I’ve also been your best friend for years and it feels like shit that you don’t feel like you can talk to me. Even now.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke says again, this time as a whisper.

Calum makes a frustrated sound, “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Luke. I just want you to stop bottling things up. It feels like I have to pry every tiny bit of information out of you and you’ve _always_ been like this. You’ve always kept more to yourself and Ash and Mikey and I have kind of accepted that. We’ve accepted that you need space sometimes. I get that, okay? _We_ get that. But, like…? I care about you so fucking much and things are gonna suck sometimes, but I wish you would just tell me so that they don’t have to suck for you alone.”

“I don’t want to stress you guys out.” Luke thinks he might regret admitting that in the morning. It’s like Calum is picking apart the threads holding Luke together, one by one. He’s spent such a long time locking all of his secrets up tight, making them unreachable, and he’s afraid that once Calum’s done, once he’s squeezed all the secrets out of Luke, there won’t be any of Luke left for Calum to love (or like, or whatever).

“I don’t care, Luke,” Calum presses a kiss to Luke’s forehead, “Not knowing what’s up with you will always stress me out so much more than knowing what’s wrong.”

Luke sighs, pushing the air out through his teeth, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong,” Calum begs.

“I’m tired,” Luke isn’t lying. He’s exhausted to the core of his bones and he’s drunk and he doesn’t want to feel.

“You’re impossible,” Calum murmurs, tired and annoyed.

“Then why haven’t you given up on me?” Luke asks. He knows this is the alcohol talking; he’d never voice this insecurity out loud if he was sober. (This is just another thing he’s going to regret in the morning.)

Calum seems to sense this, and he pulls Luke closer to him, holding him tightly, “I’d never give up on you.”

Luke nods, he can still feel Calum’s heartbeat and it relaxes him, grounds him, the steady constant in his life right now. He doesn’t want to run away anymore, or get drunk or high, he just wants to lay with his head against Calum’s chest, listening to Calum’s heartbeat until everything is okay.

+

Calum wakes up early; the clock says it’s a quarter past seven. He hadn’t slept well and, unlike the past few weeks, he doesn’t wake up feeling like he’s dreaming. He wakes up worried and stressed and Luke is curled up on his side, his back to Calum, instead of lying cuddled against Calum or in Calum’s arms, like he should be.

Calum somehow manages to drag himself out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. The vodka bottle is sitting on the counter where Calum had left it the night before and it’s staring at Calum tauntingly.

Calum deliberately ignores it as he puts the kettle on for tea, but ugly thoughts swarm up inside his head regardless.

_Why haven’t you given up on me?_

Calum can’t stop thinking about Luke’s words and they make his chest hurt. He doesn’t understand.

 _I’m just_ _-_ _you’re so incredible, you know? And I don’t really know how you’ve ended up liking me. I’m just really worried that I’m gonna screw something up._

Calum’s hands have started shaking. He nearly drops the tea cup as he takes it out of the cabinet.

_I can’t even use the excuse that you don’t like me back cause you’re straight. I’m just not good enough._

He suddenly feels like he’s suffocating, like there’s not enough oxygen.

_I don’t know why I keep fucking up._

It doesn’t make sense. Luke- Luke is a fucking supernova, Calum thinks. Luke is the brightest star in the whole fucking sky. Luke is the most incredible person Calum has ever met.

There’s the sound of the front door opening, then closing, and footsteps coming over to him. It all sounds far away, like he’s not in the same room.

“Calum? Are you okay?” Ashton’s voice sounds distorted, “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“Luke-” Calum grips the kitchen counter for support.

“Whoa, dude,” Ashton’s hand on Calum’s back is warm and steady, leading him into the living room to sit down, “I think you’re having a panic attack.”

“I need to- Ashton, I-”

“Shhh, deep breathes, yeah?” Ashton’s voice is calm and he’s rubbing small circles on Calum’s back, “Breathe.”

“I can’t.” Calum’s palms are sweaty.

“Yes, you can,” Ashton says steadily, “Breathe.”

Calum nods, focusing on taking deep breathes. What feels like an eternity passes, and then the world slowly stops feeling like it’s falling apart.

“Alright?” Ashton asks evenly. He’s still rubbing Calum’s back.

Calum nods again, breathing is easier now.

“The kettle is going off, I’ll be right back, yeah?” Ashton tells Calum.

“Yeah,” Calum manages.

His eyes follow Ashton as he goes into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later carrying the two cups, giving one to Calum. There’s steam rising from the cup in Calum’s hands and it smells like chamomile. Ashton sits down next to Calum on the couch.

“Are you okay?” Ashton checks.

“Yes,” Calum takes a deep breath, “Thank you.”

“Is Luke okay?” Ashton asks slowly, carefully.

Calum shakes his head, “I don’t know.”

Ashton sighs, and Calum knows that somehow, he understands, “Okay.”

It’s obvious that Ashton is waiting for an explanation, but he doesn’t press Calum to start talking.

Calum takes another deep breath, making sure that his breathing is even before speaking. He’s not even really sure where to start, “He got pissed off that vodka last night, drank half the bottle. Have you ever noticed how he puts himself down? Like, just an offhanded comment here or there?”

“Yeah, but I’ve never really thought it meant anything,” Ashton bites his thumbnail, concerned.

“I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t,” Calum says quickly, “But yesterday when I went to see where he’d gone? He was just sitting in his room, staring at his phone like he was about to throw up, and I tried to tell myself that everything was okay, you know? I knew he wouldn’t tell me, because he’s _Luke_ and he’s a fucking closed book, and I tried to let it go but then I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. And I figured he’d gone to the bathroom, but the light wasn’t on and he was gone for too long and I found him out on the balcony drinking.”

“Shit,” Ashton mutters, his brow furrowed, “What do you think is wrong?”

“I _don’t know_ , that’s the thing. He won’t fucking talk to me and it’s driving me crazy.” Calum’s eyes are stinging with frustrated tears, “And he asked me why I haven’t given up on him yet.”

“Fuck, Cal. I’m kind of at as much of a loss as you are,” Ashton admits, worry etched into his expression, “Maybe you should try talking to him. He can hardly pretend he didn’t drink half a bottle of vodka.”

“It’s Luke,” Calum says bitterly, “He’ll pretend anyway. Leave it to me to fall in love with someone so stubborn.”

Much to Calum’s confusion, Ashton’s lips spread into a small smile, “That’s the first time you’ve said that. Have you told him yet?”

“What?” Calum frowns.

“That you’re in love with him,” Ashton says, he smiles slightly as an afterthought, then wraps an arm around Calum’s shoulder, “I know it probably seems like you’re not making a difference, but I promise you, whatever Luke is dealing with, it’s better that he has you.”

“I don’t know what to do, Ash,” Calum runs his hands over his face, sighing loudly, “I just want him to be okay.”

“He will be,” Ashton is confident in his answer, “Luke is tough. He’ll work through things. We just need to support him, you know?”

Calum nods, resting his head on Ashton’s shoulder. Thank fucking God for Ashton Irwin, he thinks, “So why the fuck are you awake this early?”

“I went on a run,” Ashton informs him proudly. Calum pulls away to actually give him a good look over, and he realizes he probably could’ve figured this out on his own. Ashton is in gym shorts and a muscle shirt. He still has his sneakers on too, and he’s a little sweaty. His hair is pushed back off his face with a headband Calum is almost positive he stole from Harry. He returns his head to Ashton’s shoulder. “I tried to get Mikey to come with me, but you can imagine how that went over.”

Calum laughs at the thought, “I’m picturing lots of groaning and swearing, hiding his head under his pillow, possibly things turning violent and him trying to kick or hit you?”

“You’ve pictured correctly,” Ashton snickers, then rubs at his left arm, “I think I have a bruise on my bicep. Who knew Michael knew how to throw a good punch?”

“You should’ve known better,” Calum scolds.

Ashton huffs in mock defeat, “I suppose I did bring it upon myself.”

“Let’s go get breakfast,” Calum proposes. Everything feels so wrong right now, he just wants to do something normal.

“I could make something,” Ashton offers.

Calum shakes his head, “I want to go out.”

“Alright,” Ashton says, placing his now empty tea cup down on the coffee table, “You try and wake Luke, I’ll try Mikey… again.”

“Steer clear of his flailing limbs,” Calum advises. He watches Ashton go off down the hallway, remaining on the couch a while longer. He doesn’t want to admit to himself that he’s dreading confrontation with Luke. He feels a bit pathetic, really, trying to will away Luke’s problems the way he is, but he can’t help it. He wants Luke to be okay and even though he has no intention of _not_ sticking around, he not feeling particularly fond of the messy bits.

He finishes his tea, setting his cup down next to Ashton’s and getting up. Reluctantly, he returns to his bedroom. Luke is still sleeping, with a small frown set in his beautiful features and his hand clenching the blanket tightly.

Calum moves his fringe out of his face and presses a kiss to Luke’s forehead, “Hey, baby, wake up.”

Luke groans, “My head hurts.”

On another day, Calum would probably have given Luke shit about this, telling him he deserved it. Now, he just wishes it would go away, “Ash and I, and maybe Mikey, are going out for breakfast. Wanna come?”

Luke peaks his eyes open at Calum, studying him, then closes them again, “No.”

Calum’s heart probably shouldn’t sink the way it does. It’s not like he’d been expecting any differently, “Do you want me to bring you something back?”

Luke is quiet for a moment, “I guess. I don’t care. Whatever you want to do.”

Calum sighs, running his fingers through Luke’s hair affectionately, and then pulling back, “Okay. Text me if you need to.”

“I’m going to sleep forever,” Luke mumbles, “Or at least until it doesn’t feel like there’s a fucking herd of elephants trampling around my head.”

“I think we’re out of Advil but I’ll pick some up on the way home, okay?” Calum offers.

Luke smiles faintly, “You’re too good for me.”

Calum kisses him gently, “Not possible.”

Luke doesn’t say anything, rolling over so that his face is buried in his pillow. Calum takes that as incentive to leave, but not before he hears a muffled “thank you” from Luke.

He closes the door quietly behind him, just as Ashton is coming out of Michael’s room.

“Looks like it’s just the two of us, then,” Ashton says, rubbing his other arm, “Was there anywhere in particular you wanted to go?”

“Well, Liam told me about this really great place,” Calum remembers, “I could call him and ask him what it was called? I can’t remember.”

“Do that,” Ashton says, “I’m gonna take a really quick shower, I’m a bit sweaty from my run.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Calum slips his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it. He tries not to think about things too much as he listens to it ring and waits for Liam to answer.

+

Some thirty minutes later, Ashton and Calum are sitting in a small breakfast café with cups of coffee in front of them and breakfast on the way. It’s raining outside but somehow Calum finds it comforting. He doesn’t feel so alone in his melancholy.

“So how’re you holding up?” Ashton asks, once their conversation has come to a comfortable lull.

Calum takes a sip of his coffee, thinking for a moment. The warm liquid burns his tongue. He sets the cup down on the table again before saying, “I didn’t really think it was possible to worry so much over one person.”

Ashton nods thoughtfully, “I get it, man, I’m crazy worried about him too. Probably not in the same way that you are, but, you know…”

Ashton trails off and Calum glances out the window. Despite the rain, there are still people wandering about the streets. Calum thinks his old English teacher probably could’ve made a metaphor out of this.

He looks back at Ashton, “Yeah, I know.”

“Maybe we should all try and talk to him?” Ashton suggests, “Like a sort of intervention. If we sit him down just the four of us, he can’t really back out.”

“I suppose,” Calum shrugs despairingly, “I don’t think it’d go over very well, though. He’d probably just feel cornered and leave. Shut us out more.”

“We could handcuff him to the couch,” Ashton jokes. If Calum were in a better mood he would have instantly made a comment about bondage.

He manages a small smile, “Wow, you really come up with fantastic plans.”

“I’m thinking out of the box,” Ashton  grins cheekily, “I’m being innovative.”

“Do you have a pair of handcuffs lying around?” Calum raises his eyebrows, “Maybe a nice fuzzy pink pair? To go with your daddy kink?”

Ashton’s cheeks turn slightly red, “Hate you.”

“Love you too,” Calum says sweetly.

+

Calum and Ashton get back to the flat a few hours later. They’d been talking about pointless things, long after they’d finished their food, and they’d finally left once the waitress had started shooting them annoyed looks. They’d stopped at a bagel shop on the way back to their flat to order food for Michael and Luke, but they’d been stopped by fans and had ended up taking an extra twenty minutes to take pictures and sign things. Then Calum had remembered to pick up Advil for Luke and they’d had to drive fifteen minutes to find a pharmacy.

By the time they get back, it’s almost noon.

“Honey! I’m home!” Ashton calls out jokingly as they enter the flat.

They hear a door open and moments later Michael appears, still in his pajamas, holding one of his acoustic guitars, “Hey, guys.”

“Writing something new?” Calum asks, kicking off his shoes.

“Yeah, actually,” Michael says brightly, “I’ve worked out the first verse and the chorus so far. I’ll play it for you later. Did you bring me back something?”

The conversation is so normal, so comfortable; the only thing missing is Luke.

Ashton tosses the bag of bagels to Michael, who catches it with his free hand, “Some of that’s for Luke, though, so don’t eat it all. Is he up yet?”

“Nah,” Michael shrugs and puts down his guitar, leaning it against the back of the couch, then he goes over to the kitchen counter and empties the contents of the bag onto it. He spreads cream cheese onto one of the bagels, not bothering to get a plate out, then he looks over his shoulder at Calum, “Were you and him up late last night?”

“Yeah,” Calum says shortly, going into the kitchen and filling up a glass of water, “But not for the reason you’re thinking.”

Michael frowns, stopping mid-chew, “What?”

He nods to Ashton, “You fill him in. I’ll be right back. Gonna go check on Luke.”

“What’s wrong with Luke?” Calum hears Michael ask as he heads down the hallway.

Calum enters his bedroom, to find Luke asleep where Calum had left him. He sets the water down on the nightstand and sits down on the bed next to Luke, bending over and kissing his lips gently, “Time to wake up, Lukey. It’s almost noon.”

Luke eyes flutter open and he gazes up at Calum through sleepy blue eyes, “I wanna sleep more.”

“We have things to do, places to be,” Calum kisses Luke’s nose.

“No we don’t,” Luke grumbles, “It’s our day off.”

So maybe Calum’s plan is slightly flawed, “Please, just sit up.” He knows he’s begging, but he can’t find it in himself to care.

“You don’t have to look so worried,” Luke is obviously trying to make light of things as he props himself up against the headboard, “I’m not dying.”

“I never know with you,” Calum shakes his head, fishing the Advil bottle out of his front pocket.

“Jesus, Cal,” Luke sounds exasperated, “I’m _not_ dying.”

Calum sighs, he doesn’t want to argue with Luke right now, “I know, but-”

“It’s just a hangover,” Luke interrupts, “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Calum ignores this, just hands Luke the glass of water from the nightstand and empties three orange pills into his hand, “Here.”

“My knight in shining armor,” Luke says sarcastically, but there’s obvious appreciation in his voice.

“So,” Calum starts slowly, once Luke’s finished swallowing, “We should talk.”

“About what?” A look of panic flashes across Luke’s face, just barely, but Calum sees it. Calum remembers the last time he’d told Luke he wanted to talk to him about something, and the way worry had spread into Luke’s expression and Calum had realized, then, that Luke truly didn’t understand how completely gone for him Calum already was.

“What happened last night,” Calum’s tone is serious, and he refuses to takes his eyes off Luke, even though he hates the look Luke is now giving him.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Luke’s jaw is set, and his voice has turned cold, any form of affection gone.

“Luke-” Calum pleads.

“Why can’t you just back off?” Luke asks sharply.

“I think you could probably figure out the answer to that question if you tried hard enough,” Calum responds. He doesn’t mean for it to sound so harsh but it’s out of his mouth before he can stop it.

“Thanks for the Advil,” Luke says abruptly, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Miserably, Calum watches Luke throw the bed covers back and climb out of bed. He storms over to the bathroom.

“Luke, wait,” Calum gets up frantically, following after Luke.

He spins around, glaring at Calum, “What?”

“Why can’t we just talk about it?” Calum feels like ripping his hair out, “What could _possibly_ be so horrible about fucking talking about it?”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Luke says coolly.

It feels like a punch in the gut. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do,” Luke snaps, before slamming the door loudly behind him.

Calum stares at the door (half-expecting Luke to come out and tell Calum that he _doesn’t_ really mean it) until he hears the shower turn on, then he retreats out of his room. Ashton and Michael are in the kitchen. Michael is eating what looks like his third bagel. They’re quiet; they’d probably heard the door slam.

“Everything okay?” Ashton asks tentatively.

“Peachy,” Calum responds, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“Calum?” Michael puts his bagel down, “There’s no reason to be a dick to Ash and me.”

Calum leans against the counter, running his hand through his hair, “I’m sorry. I’m being an asshole.”

“It’s fine,” Ashton claps him on the shoulder affectionately, “What’s up with Luke?”

“Not very willing to talk,” Calum scowls.

“Figures,” Michael mutters, giving Calum a sympathetic smile.

“Let’s watch Spongebob,” Calum decides. He knows he’s acting like a child. Ashton shoots Michael a worried look, which Calum pointedly ignores.

“Alright,” Michael agrees, “Let me finish my bagel.”

+

Calum is sitting on the couch alone, the afternoon officially worth wasting, in his opinion. After at least seven episodes of Spongebob, Michael had gone with Ashton to the record store just a few blocks away from their flat, so he jumps at first, when he feels the couch dip and someone sit next to him. Then his brain makes sense of things.

He mutes the TV, turning to Luke, who’s pulling his long legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, resting his chin on his knee.

“I’m sorry,” Luke says, not looking at Calum, instead staring blankly at the silent characters on the TV.

“It’s okay,” Calum says immediately, even though it doesn’t really feel like it is.

Luke’s response is quiet, “I guess.”

Calum looks at him, _really_ looks at him, sees the bags under his eyes and the sadness that he’s trying to keep out of his expression. Whatever’s happened that Luke adamantly refuses to tell Calum about is eating him up inside.

“Please don’t give up on me,” Luke’s voice cracks, and he’s turned away from the TV, looking at Calum now, with despair leaking through his failing poker face.

Calum fumbles for words, “Luke I- fuck, I’m not- I _told_ you. I would never give up on you.”

“Just kiss me,” Luke’s bottom lip is trembling and Calum wastes no time in closing the distance between them.

They fall into each other, all skin and teeth and lips; rushed movements and heavy breathes and desperation. It’s not a solution. It never will be. But it’s a distraction, a temporary paradise, and Calum thinks afterwards, when they’re lying like spoons, with the couch scratching their bare skin, that he’ll do anything to make Luke okay.


	11. i just watch you slip away, how close am i to losing you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "tonight you just close your eyes and i just watch you slip away, how close am i to losing you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god, please don't hate me.

“You coming?” Calum asks, hovering by the couch where Luke is still sitting. It’s getting late; Ashton and Michael have already returned to their rooms, leaving Calum and Luke alone in the living room. From the look of it, Calum is just as tired as Luke feels, but he’s waiting patiently for Luke to come with him.

The night had been good, despite Luke’s current state of emotional well-being. The four of them had played some stupid children’s board game that Ashton had found in one of the broom closets, and it had ended in fits of laughter. Then they’d broken out a bottle of cheap wine and had a small acoustic jam session. They’d played old songs, from the era of YouTube covers and terrible haircuts, and it had been nice, really, to just be with each other like that. Luke thinks they need more nights like these.

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Luke stands up and gives Calum a quick kiss, “I’m just gonna call my dad.”

Calum hesitates. He looks like he wants to argue, but he holds his tongue (he’s been giving Luke this look a lot lately). “Okay, don’t take too long.”

Luke nods, then steps out onto the balcony, clutching his phone tightly in his hand. The lit up screen says it’s almost midnight.

He’s spent seven whole fucking days torturing himself over his dad and over Calum and what to tell Calum and what _not_ to tell his dad and even though tonight had been good, he’s feels like he’s falling apart at the seams.

And he doesn’t really know how to fix the fact that he’s barely holding everything together, but he does know that he needs to tell his dad the truth, no matter what the cost. Calum deserves that much, at least.

Luke can hardly believe he’s even about to do what he is. He thinks it’s probably the scariest thing he’s ever done and his hands are shaking as he unlocks his phone and dials his dad’s phone number. After the third ring, his dad picks up.

“Hi, Dad,” Luke hopes the fact that he’s shaking isn’t audible in the sound of his voice.

“Hey, Luke,” his dad sounds distracted, “Listen, I have a meeting in ten minutes, can I call you back during my lunch break?”

Luke doesn’t point out that, with the time difference, by the time his dad gets off for lunch it will be about three or four in the morning in London. “I need to tell you something. Now. It’s important.”

“Alright,” his dad is giving him his full attention now. Luke’s heart is pounding in his chest. “What’s up, kiddo?”

Luke can picture his dad, standing in an elevator with two or three other people. He can clearly see his dad’s shiny patent leather shoes, one foot tapping impatiently, his clean black suit and patterned tie, his neatly combed hair and the briefcase held in the hand that isn’t holding the phone up to his ear.

“You love me no matter what, right?” Luke asks, _just to make sure_ , and this time he can’t keep the shake out of his voice.

“Of course,” His dad pauses. Luke imagines the small creases in his forehead that have probably formed by now. “Did you get arrested?”

“I’m gay,” Luke’s heart stutters ( _this is for Calum, this is for Calum_ ), “Calum’s my boyfriend.”

The silence on the other end of the phone is deafening.

“Dad?” Luke never knew it was possible to feel so fucking small. “Please say something.”

The line goes dead.

+

By 3:30 in the morning, Luke starts to wonder how it can conceivably be so difficult to fall asleep when the _only_ think he wants to do _is_ fall asleep. But the lit up digital numbers on Calum’s bedroom clock say 3:36 and Luke is still awake.

Calum shifts beside him, and his voice is so quiet that Luke almost thinks he imagines it, “What’s keeping you up, baby?”

“Why’re you still awake?” Luke deflects Calum’s question automatically.

“ _You’re_ still awake,” Calum points out.

“Can’t fall asleep,” Luke excuses lamely, “Dunno why.”

Calum sighs the sigh that says he knows Luke is lying (he’s been giving Luke this sigh a lot lately too), “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No.” Luke would’ve already given up on sleep by now if he hadn’t been hoping to use it as an escape from his head, “I’ll fall asleep eventually.”

“We got into bed three hours ago, Luke.” Calum runs his fingers along Luke’s hipbone, rubbing the skin soothingly.

“Do you want me to go to my room? Let you get some sleep?” Luke offers, even though he can’t possibly imagine sleeping without Calum now, “I wouldn’t mind.” (He would mind. Maybe he’s just a liar.)

“You’re ridiculous,” Calum actually laughs, quiet and comforting, “As if I could fall asleep without you here.”

Calum’s words make Luke feel better, even if it’s just by the smallest amount. He tries to push his father out of his head (to no avail) and hugs Calum closer to himself.

They fall into silence, but Luke knows Calum is still awake. Stupid fucking Calum being a stupid fucking angel and not sleeping to make sure that Luke is okay. It makes Luke feel worse. Calum shouldn’t have to spend so much of his time worrying about Luke.

After a few minutes, Luke whispers (because he doesn’t trust his voice to not give him away), “I’m okay.”

“I know you’re not,” Calum murmurs back. His own voice is thick with exhaustion; Luke wishes he would just let himself sleep.

So Luke insists, “I am.”

Even though he isn’t.

Calum squeezes Luke’s side, maybe to let Luke know that he’s not going to fight Luke on this right now, or maybe just to comfort him, “Goodnight, Luke.”

“Goodnight, Cal,” Luke mumbles.

He wants to _cry_ but he also wants so badly not to _feel_ at all and _finally_ , his head still spinning with thoughts of his father and thoughts of Calum ( _too many fucking thoughts_ ), Luke manages to drift off into an uneasy sleep.

+

Maybe Luke just isn’t as good at handling bad situations as some people are, but by four in the afternoon, when he’s still in bed and Calum’s stopped trying to get him up, he’s had plenty of time to reflect on How Well Luke Hemmings Handles Bad Situations. He reflects that he doesn’t handle them very well at all.

He’s come up with a list of the Pros and Cons of this particular Bad Situation and okay, like, it’s not _that_ bad. He has support from his mum- she doesn’t care as long as he’s happy- and Calum’s family is beyond supportive and they’ve got all ends of support from Ashton and Michael. The recurring word that comes up with all the people that _matter_ is support, so really, who gives a _flying fuck_ if his dad is in that boat or not.

It’s not like Luke’s ever really held his dad’s opinion of him in high importance, and it’s not like he _really_ needs his dad to love him or accept him. It probably wouldn’t even make that big of a difference if his dad never talked to him again; Luke doesn’t see him very much when he’s touring anyway and- _oh god_ , he wants to cry again.

He also wants to go out and get very, _very_ , fucked. Luke’s never really been huge on partying. He’s always enjoyed getting high or drunk on occasion, but it’s not like he’s a number one participant in substance abuse.

And yet, lately, it’s been seeming like a very good solution to everything. It’s not like he has a _problem_ with it, though. He just, you know, enjoys drowning things out for a while. (And if his band mates seem to think it’s problematic, well, they’re biased.)

With some effort, Luke reaches for his phone on the nightstand and unlocks it. He scrolls somewhat pointlessly through his contacts, having no idea who he should call. There was a time when any of the boys would’ve happily gone out with him, but now he doesn’t think they’d even let him go into a bar (especially not Calum). He hates that they’re so worried about him and he hates that they’re probably right.

So, he has to go out with someone who’s not particularly focused on his well-being, but gets on with him enough to have a good time.

Luke’s scrolling through the s’s when his eyes fall on the perfect candidate.

+

“I’m going out,” Luke announces. Calum looks up from his bass. He’s sitting in the living room, in the process of writing a song with Michael. Ashton’s gone out to get orange juice, and up until now Calum had been under the impression that Luke was _still_ sleeping.

“You’re going out?” Calum raises his eyebrows. The sudden change in mood catches him off guard and he’s pretty sure Luke is completely bullshitting the smile on his face. Calum’s only just stopped trying to get him up an hour ago, and only because Michael had insisted that he stop before he drove himself crazy.

“Yep,” Luke says, obviously hoping to pass everything off as casual.

“Where?” Michael asks. He looks surprised too; Calum can hardly blame him.

Luke shrugs, “Haven’t figure that out yet. Just feel like getting out a bit, I’ve been at this flat for too long.”

“Should I come with you?” Calum offers. He’s trying to read through Luke’s expression, but so far he’s unable to come up with anything.

“No, don’t worry about me,” Luke goes over to Calum and kisses him reassuringly.

“As if I’d do anything other than that,” Calum snorts. He’s trying not to frown, trying to keep things light. If Luke wants to get out it’s probably a good thing, and Calum’s not going to stop him (but this doesn’t explain why he’s still worried). “When will you be back?”

“I dunno, might be late,” Luke brushes him off, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Calum nods hesitantly, “Check in, though?”

Luke smiles, “Of course. I’ll text you if it’s getting too late. But don’t wait up for me.”

Calum waits until he’s sure the front door is closed before he turns to Michael, not bothering to hide any concern, “Why do I feel like he’s a walking time bomb right now?”

Michael purses his lips, “He’ll be okay. He’s _Luke_. He’s not going to do anything stupid.”

“I’m worried,” Calum deadpans, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Unless you want to run after him and insist he stays home,” Michael says reasonably, “which I don’t think he’d be very thrilled about, by the way, I think you should keep your worrying to a minimum.”

Calum probably doesn’t look very convinced.

“Cal, I’m worried about him too,” Michael says seriously, “But I really do think he needs to get out. It’ll probably be good for him. Don’t let yourself worry, alright?”

Calum knows that Michael is staying calm for Calum sake. Calum wants to hug him, but instead he nods and tries to smile, “Okay. That last chord was an E minor, right?”

+

Calum doesn’t let himself worry- not when it begins to get dark out and not when he’s helping Michael and Ashton make dinner. He doesn’t worry when he’s cleaning the dishes after they’ve eaten (because he lost the three-way game of Rock, Paper, Scissors) and he doesn’t worry when they chose a movie on Netflix to watch. He doesn’t even worry when he’s getting ready for bed, when Luke still hasn’t texted (even though he said he would), when he realizes that this will have been the first time he’s gone to sleep without Luke in weeks.

And okay, he worries the whole fucking time.

But it’s not until it’s two in the morning when he’s given up sleep and moved back to the living room to watch some stupid crime drama and Luke hasn’t responded to any of his texts that he _really_ starts to worry.

He jumps nearly a foot in the air when his phone rings, and he’s relieved to see Luke’s name on the screen before he scrambles to answer it, “Luke? Where are you? Are you okay?” He doesn’t even care how worried he sounds. He just needs to know that Luke is okay.

“Um, hi. Calum, right?” And all the relief floods out of Calum because this voice is not Luke’s voice. This voice is sweet and British and a _girl_.

“Who is this?” Calum demands, not bothering to answer the girl’s question.

“My name is Sophia,” the girl, Sophia, says, “Listen, I was at this underground club with Luke and we were drinking-”

“He was drinking?” Calum snaps, “He’s only seventeen.”

Sophia snorts on the other end of the phone, “Like nobody else drinks underage.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Calum is already annoyed with this girl, but he corrects himself, “ _How_ did he get alcohol at a bar? He doesn’t have a fake ID.”

“We’re at this really low key place, like, _really_ low key, super exclusive, hardly anyone knows about it. I’m sure you know the type. It’s pretty much enough under the radar that they don’t bother carding anyone,” Sophia sounds very impatient, like she can’t be bothered with the details, “That’s not the point, though.” She pauses, then, and Calum is just about to rudely suggest she continue when she says, sort of rushed and apprehensive, “I’m didn’t drink very much but Luke was drinking _a lot_ and I lost track of him for a while and I think he took something, he’s acting really weird.”

“You think he _took_ something?” Calum repeats, just to make sure he heard correctly. His ears are starting to ring and the room feels blurry.

“ _Yes_ ,” Sophia hisses edgily, “I don’t know what, maybe E or something, _I don’t know_ , that’s not what I’m worried about right now. I really think he needs to get out of here.”

“Hang on.” Calum tries to think of everything bad he’s ever done in his life, anything that could come back around in the form of this, as some sort of messed up punishment, but he’s coming up with nothing. “You let him take _ecstasy_?”

“I didn’t _let_ him- I’m not his fucking chaperone, Calum,” Sophia defends angrily, “Look, can you come pick us up?”

“Didn’t you drive?” Calum doesn’t know why he feels the need to interrogate her, or maybe he does (it’s the idea of Luke out with this girl). Regardless, he’s already grabbing the car keys, not even bothering to change out of his pajama bottoms and old t-shirt.

“I don’t have a car, asshole,” Sophia retorts, “And I suppose you’d prefer having him home. Or did you want to pick him up in the morning?”

“I’m getting in the car now,” Calum confesses. His mind is already going into overdrive, and he has a million things he wants to ask her, starting with why she’s even _with_ Luke right now, or how Luke got ahold of _ecstasy_ , but he focuses on pulling out of the flat complex without crashing into any of the other parked cars, “Text me the address.” Then he hangs up.

+

Somehow, Calum makes it to the club without getting into an accident or being pulled over. Luckily, the road is nearly entirely empty so late at night. He only goes ten miles per hour over the speed limit.

He nearly speeds past the address Sophia had texted him, but he catches sight of the building number and screeches to a stop. He doesn’t care about the shitty parking job, or the fact that he’s not legally allowed to park in front of a fire hydrant, he jumps out of his seat, slamming the door and locking the car. He shoves the keys in his pocket and looks at the building in front of him, confused. The building numbered 204, just as Sophia had said, is a fucking bookstore. At first, Calum wonders if this is some sort of sick prank, but his eyes trail to the left of the bookstore door, and he sees a cement staircase leading down to exposed brick and a metal door with the black numbers ‘204’ stenciled slightly off centered. Calum worries for a half a moment about fans seeing him, but he decides that the likelihood of it is very slim and he quickly descends the stairs.

There’s a man leaning against one of the walls next to the door, smoking a cigarette, “Whoa, mate. Who’re you?”

Well, Calum thinks, as far as not being recognized goes, he’s one for one. “I need to get in there.”

“Sorry, mate,” the man shrugs, spitting on the ground, “’s full capacity.”

“What?” Calum asks aggressively.

“Ever heard of that?” the man snickers, “Full _cuh-pa-ci-ty_. You dumb, mate?”

Calum doesn’t have time for this, “How much do you want?”

“What?” the man obviously doesn’t understand, but Calum is already taking out his wallet and shoving sixty euros into the man’s hand.

“Good enough?” Calum gives the man a challenging look, daring him to turn Calum away.

The man shrugs again, and returns to leaning against the wall, glaring viciously at Calum, but he doesn’t stop Calum from yanking the door open. It slams heavily behind him, and Calum takes a look around the room he’s just entered. The room itself is lit with a neon blue light, causing everything to glow blue, but there are also strobe lights going off in an assortment of colors.

Mourning Ritual’s cover of ‘Bad Moon Rising’ is playing loudly; the bass sends shivers down Calum’s body. It feels like it’s shaking the building. Calum scans the room; fifteen minutes pass before his eyes fall on a familiar, tall, blonde boy.

Calum immediately pushes his way over to Luke, calling out to him over the loud music, “Luke! Fuck, are you okay?”

He hardly notices the girl standing with Luke.

“I’m _wonderful_ ,” Luke’s smile is giddy, elated and he throws himself at Calum when he sees him, loosely draping his arms over Calum’s shoulders and burying his face against Calum’s neck, “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I’ve come to take you home,” Calum wraps his arms around Luke’s waist.

“You’ve come to take me home?” Luke pulls away, seemingly having come to some level of deep understanding and then he raises his eyebrows suggestively, “or you’ve come _to take me home_?”

Calum frowns, “What?”

Suddenly Luke is kissing him, hungrily sucking on Calum’s bottom lip, then pulling back and whispering to Calum, “This kind of take me home?”

Calum wants to lean into Luke’s kiss so badly, but he pulls away, “No, not that kind. Now let’s go.”

Luke pouts, “But Sophia and me were gonna _dance_.”

“No, Luke, it’s time for us to leave,” Sophia cuts in and Calum wrenches his eyes off of Luke for a few seconds to actually look at her.

“ _Hang on_ ,” Calum’s heart drops into his stomach, “I know you.”

Her bottled blonde hair, her eyes and her smirk and Calum fucking knows her because she’s that fucking girl from the fucking hipster clothing shop.

“Cheers,” Sophia smiles at him sarcastically.

“Why are you with him?” Calum knows that Luke has hung out with her before, that one time, but he’s angry, really, that Luke even still has her number. And he doesn’t give a rats ass if he sounds overprotective or jealous.

“He called me and asked if I wanted to go get drunk with him. Said his friends thought he had a problem, so he wanted to go somewhere with someone who wasn’t under that impression,” Sophia shrugs.

“And did it ever occur to you that maybe he _does_ have a problem?” Calum glowers.

Sophia rolls her eyes, “Look, I’m always up for a good time and Luke seemed pretty desperate to get out and I was planning on going out tonight anyway. I figured a bit of company wouldn’t hurt and that I’d let him in on my, you know, good time.”

“And a good time included hard drugs?” Calum is liking this girl less and less the more he talks to her.

“Jesus, I wasn’t expecting _that_ to happen,” Sophia crosses her arms, “I thought we’d have a few drinks, dance, you know, _a good time_.”

“I’m having a fantastic time,” Luke inputs, giggling.

Calum looks at him, then back at Sophia, “We’re leaving.”

“ _Calum_ ,” Luke whines, tugging at Calum’s arm, “I want to dance.”

“We can dance at home, yeah?” Calum says, trying to sound enthusiastic. It ends up sounding sarcastic and annoyed. Luke, however, doesn’t seem to pick up on this.

“Oh my god,” Luke grabs Calum’s hand and he’s grinning and it’s kind of freaking Calum out.

Sophia at least as the decency to look concerned, “What?”

“This song is so fucking good,” Luke closes his eyes and squeezes Calum’s hand tightly, “What song is this? This should be our song.”

“Sure,” Calum says lamely, “Good idea.”

He’s grasping here; he has no idea how he’s supposed to act around Luke right now. He gives Sophia a pleading look, deciding he’ll at least work with her while he has to.

“Hey Luke,” Sophia  says excitedly, capturing his attention, “Follow me.”

Calum watches gratefully as she leads Luke willingly to the door of the club. Calum follows closely behind them, and then they’re outside and the music is coming through the door, still loud, but much duller, more subdued. The man is still leaning against the wall, still smoking a cigarette (though Calum thinks it’s probably a different one), and he completely ignores the three of them.

Calum rests his hand on Luke’s lower back, guiding him up the stairs and to the car. Luke settles in the passenger side seat, and once the car door is closed he leans his head against the window. Sophia stops Calum before getting in the car.

“Look, Calum, I had no idea this was going to happen,” she sounds sincere, “I’m serious. He didn’t exactly strike me as the type, you know.”

Calum sighs, and he knows he can’t hold this against her, “Yeah, I know. He’s been full of surprises lately.”

“Did something happen?” Sophia asks. Calum can tell she isn’t faking her concern, “Last time I saw him he was fretting over the fact that you were getting pizza with some guy named Dave or something. We’ve been texting a bit, like he’ll give me cute updates about the two of you… He’s seemed really happy. And that’s what ecstasy does, effectively. It makes you really elated. It doesn’t make sense that he’d want to do that if he was already, you know, happy.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Calum hates the revelation every time he says it out loud; it’s just another reminder of the fact that Luke still doesn’t really trust him, “He won’t tell me. He prefers to go out and do hard drugs, apparently.”

“Shit, mate,” Sophia frowns.

“How do you know he took ecstasy?” Calum wonders, “How do you know it’s not something else?”

“See how he’s clenching his jaw?” Sophia nods to Luke, and Calum realizes that she’s right, “That’s pretty much the giveaway. Grinding your teeth, clenching your jaw, he probably won’t want to give you any blowjobs for a week or two.”

“Not funny,” Calum glares at her, but it’s only a half-hearted glare.

“Get him some gum, so he doesn’t grind down his molars,” Sophia advises, “But make sure he doesn’t, like, over chew it. Then his jaw will be really, really sore.”

“How do you know all of this?” Calum is surprised by how confidently she’s telling him these things, but he’s kind of relieved to have the information.

“A few of my friends have… dabbled in some pretty sketchy stuff,” Sophia shrugs, like it’s not a big deal, “A few first hand experiences- you learn things, you know? There’ve always been good people around at the right times, and they’ve taught me the important things.”

“So, what are the other after effects?” Calum asks nervously.

“I’m not sure about all of them, you might want to look that up, actually,” Sophia says, “But I know the big one is depression.”

A feeling of dread has crept up and settled in Calum’s chest, “Depression?”

“Yeah, you just get really, really low,” Sophia bites her lip, “It can last for up to, like, a week.”

“Fuck,” Calum mutters.

“I know. It’s really shitty, I’m sorry, I had no idea he’d do this,” Sophia shivers, “Do you mind if I get in the car? I’m freezing.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Calum opens his own car door and gets in.

“There are so many fucking stars in the sky tonight, oh my god,” Luke says as way of greeting as Calum pulls out of his terrible excuse of a parking job.

Calum shoots him a wearied look, then glances at Sophia, who’s sitting in the backseat, through the rearview mirror, “Where do you live?”

“Take a left up here.”

Luke pouts again, “Are you angry with me?”

“Another left.”

Calum sighs, “No.”

Luke immediately grins, then giggles, “Goooooooood.”

“Go straight through the next two lights, then take a right,” Sophia continues to give Calum directions back to her flat, finally saying, “Stop here. This is my place.”

Calum feels like he should say something, before she gets out. He feels bad about getting angry at her earlier. She’s not nearly as bad as he’d initially thought, “Uh, thanks for calling me. I’m sorry I got so pissed off.”

“I get it, mate,” Sophia shrugs hoping out of the car and Calum rolls down his window so that he can talk to her for another minute. Calum likes that she doesn’t seem to let things get to her, “You were worried. I’m sorry that I _had_ to call you. Will you call or text me tomorrow and just let me know he’s okay? I haven’t known him for that long but I’ve always enjoyed hanging with him. He’s a really good guy. You’re lucky to have him.”

“I know,” Calum murmurs, he glances at Luke, who’s now staring intently at his palm.

“But he’s lucky to have you too,” Sophia says quietly, then she smiles, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah? And hang on-” she reaches into her purse, fishing around for a moment before pulling something out, triumphantly. She hands it to Calum; it’s a pack of gum. “I think this is like half full. Give it to Luke. But remember not to let him chew it for too long.”

“Thank you. Seriously. So much,” Calum hopes he’s conveying his gratefulness well enough.

“Goodnight, guys!” Sophia smiles brightly.

“Goodnight, Soph,” Luke waves at her, “I miss you already.”

Sophia rolls her eyes, “Right back attcha, mate.” She turns to Calum, “Night, Calum.”

“Goodnight,” Calum manages a smile back at her.

He waits to make sure she gets inside her building before he pulls away.

At the next red light, Calum hands Luke a piece of gum, “Chew this.”

Luke complies and Calum tries not to think about the fact that Luke would taste like cinnamon right now if Calum kissed him.

“Can we listen to music?” Luke asks, after a moment of silence passes, “Oh my god, let’s listen to All Time Low. No, Fall Out Boy.”

“Okay, can you put it on?” Calum asks (thought what he really means is: Are you _capable_ of putting it on?)

“ _Yes_ ,” Luke says, extra enthusiastically. He connects his phone to the car speakers and then ‘Alone Together’ is blasting through the speakers and Luke is singing along with the music at the top of his lungs.

Calum momentarily takes his eyes off the road to look at this beautiful boy sitting next to him and he thinks that he will always love Luke no matter what. Because Calum loves Luke when he’s happy, all genuine smiles and giggles, but he also loves Luke when he’s sad, when he doesn’t want to get out of bed, when he won’t tell Calum what’s wrong like his life depends on it but he’ll hold onto Calum at night like he’s terrified Calum won’t be there when he wakes up. Because Calum loves Luke when he’s angry, when he doesn’t want to talk to anybody, and when he’s excited, practically jumping off the walls over good news, or when he’s horny or frustrated or when he can’t fall asleep at three in the morning. Because Calum loves him like this, because Calum is really fucking angry that Luke won’t tell him what the fuck is going on, because Calum is beyond worried about Luke trying to drown out his problems with drugs and alcohol, because Calum loves him anyway. And Calum doesn’t ever want to stop loving him anyway.

Luke turns down the music when the next song comes on, “You’re thinking too much.”

“Am I?” Calum raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Luke nods ardently, “Just let go, Cal, it’ll feel _gooood_.”

Calum is beyond relieved to turn into the flat complex, “We’re here.”

“Can we still dance?” Luke asks.

“I dunno,” Calum excuses, “Music might wake up Ash and Mikey.”

“We can keep the music quiet,” Luke persists, “Let’s dance to Joy Division.”

Calum actually laughs at that.

“Whaaat?” Luke whines, “Don’t laugh at _meeee_.”

Calum shakes his head and parks the car. He half drags Luke inside, taking off his shoes and dropping the keys on the coffee table.

Luke takes at least five minutes to untie his shoes, and then he goes over to the trashcan and spits his gum out. Calum is about to question this, but then Luke grabs Calum’s waist and falls back onto the couch, pulling Calum down with him. Calum places his hands on either side of Luke’s head, holding himself up, and Luke links his fingers together behind Calum’s neck.

It feels like a knife in his side that the only reason Luke is so happy right now is because of some stupid fucking drug but Calum wants to kiss Luke so badly.

Luke is staring at him, his eyes blown with desire and he’s got this small smile on his face that would probably have Calum weak at the knees if he were standing up. It’s been too long since Calum last saw that smile (and he tries to ignore the fact that it’s only there because of a drug).

“Calum. Calum. Calum,” Luke is repeating his name and giggling like an idiot and it’s kind of adorable. He unhooks his fingers and pokes Calum’s cheek with his index finger.

Calum can’t stop himself from smiling, “What?”

“I love you.”

Calum feels the smile fall off his face. This is _wrong_ ,this is not how it’s supposed to happen, Luke doesn’t even know what he’s _saying_ right now, “What?”

“I love you,” Luke says again. He’s still got that stupid fucking smile on and he genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why Calum is responding the way he is.

“No you don’t,” Calum sighs, brushing Luke off.

“Yes I do,” Luke insists, “I love you very, very much.”

Calum shakes his head, “You’re just saying that cause you’re high.”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Luke continues, as if Calum hadn’t even spoken, “You make me so happy. Why would my dad hate me for that?”

Calum frowns, confused, “Your dad?”

“I don’t think he’s going to talk to me again,” Luke says thoughtfully, but offhandedly. Like he’s discussing the weather or his weekend plans.

Something clicks in Calum’s brain, “Is that why you’ve been so upset lately?”

Luke nods, then pulls Calum down and tries to join their lips, but Calum stops him, “What did your dad say, Luke?”

“Kiss _meee_ ,” Luke complains. He’s pouting again.

“Luke, what did your dad say?” Calum repeats.

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Luke says, “I want to kiss you. And cuddle with you. And ride you.”

Calum groans, because he’s _not_ going to take advantage of Luke right now but when Luke talks like that it goes straight to his dick.

“Let’s go to my room, yeah?” Calum suggests, eager to get out of the situation he’s in right now. Luke must think this is a good idea when it comes to his plans to get in Calum’s pants, because he gladly follows Calum to the bedroom.

He climbs onto Calum’s bed and lays on his back, his head and shoulders propped up on a couple of pillows.

Calum watches him from the doorway, “So, how you feeling?”

“Well,” Luke smiles lazily, “This bed is really fucking soft and the lights are really fucking bright and I want to be close to you right now. I want to be close to you always, actually, but especially right now. And I don’t care what anybody says because I love you and I’m so fucking happy right now.” Almost as an afterthought, he adds, “I feel so good, Calum, so fucking good.”

Calum isn’t really sure how to respond to this, but Luke doesn’t seem to care, so he shuts his bedroom door and crawls onto his bed. Luke immediately attaches his lips to Calum’s neck and begins sucking and biting the skin.

It takes all of Calum’s willpower to push him away, “Not right now, baby.”

“Why not?” Luke demands to know.

“’m tired,” Calum says, “Let’s go to sleep.”

“I can’t go to sleep now, silly,” Luke laughs, a bubbly sound, like Calum’s suggestion is a genuinely ridiculous thing to want, “I’m so happy.”

“What do you want to do, then?” Calum asks, hastily tacking on, “ _Other_ than sex.”

“Why not sex?” Luke protests.

“Cause you’re not sober,” Calum says grumpily. He’s not really enjoying talking about this.

“So? We’ve had sex high before,” Luke points out reasonably. His hands are roaming Calum’s body, now, and it’s very distracting.

“Yeah,” Calum sighs, “But we were _both_ high. I’m sober right now. I have to be responsible and not take advantage of you.”

“Oh my god,” Luke says suddenly, excited, “You should get high too.”

Calum almost laughs, shaking his head, “I’m not going to get high too.”

Talking to Luke right now is like talking to a small child.

“Why not?” Luke mopes.

“Because,” Calum rolls his eyes.

“But then we can have sex,” Luke’s mopey frown cracks into a smile.

Calum snorts, “Why the fuck are you so horny?”

“I just want to be close to you,” Luke says simply.

It makes Calum’s chest feel tight and it hurts, “You are close to me.”

“Closer,” Luke insists.

“Want to go get food?” Calum really wants to change the subject. Luke is making his insides feel mushy.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Want to watch a movie?”

“What would we watch?”

“Austin Powers.”

“Oh my god, yes.”

+

“Can we go on a run?” Luke asks, when the movie finishes.

“A run?” Calum can’t think of anything he’d rather do less right now. He’s exhausted, but he doesn’t want to fall asleep and leave Luke awake, alone.

“Yes, a run,” Luke clarifies, “I want to do something. I want to run.”

Calum wonders if it’s possible to love someone too much.

“Okay,” he says, “let’s go on a run.”

(Luke is the only person Calum will _ever_ go on a run with at five in the morning.)

Luke jumps up off the bed, grabbing Calum’s hand and dragging him to the front door. Luke doesn’t seem to care that he’s wearing skinny jeans, or that Calum is wearing pajama bottoms, or that neither of them are wearing shoes as he leads them out the front door. The sun is coming up.

Luke starts running, _barefoot_ , and Calum hurries to catch up, not really sure where they’re going. Luckily, it’s too early for Calum to really have to worry about running into fans (no pun intended).

They run down side streets and on sidewalks, past an endless number of flats and a few early risers out getting the paper. After about thirty minutes, Luke comes to a stop, bending over, his hands on his knees and his breathing heavy.

“What’s wrong?” Calum is breathing heavily as well, as he stops beside Luke.

“Nothing’s wrong. This is great,” Luke smiles up at Calum through his eyelashes, “Where are we?”

“I have no fucking clue,” Calum admits. Luke laughs and Calum looks around them, “Wait, I think I recognize this street.”

It takes them at least twenty minutes to find their way back to the flat. Calum is more than glad to get there.

“I’m so fucking tired,” Calum says as he collapses onto the couch.

Luke flops down beside him, “Go to sleep, then. I’m gonna watch _Spongebob_.”

Calum is in love with a total fucking dork.

“I’ll watch with you,” Calum sits down next to Luke. He still doesn’t want to fall asleep when Luke is like this, even if he is completely exhausted, but he only really lasts about six minutes into the episode before he succumbs to sleep, his head resting against Luke’s chest.

+

He wakes up disoriented, to the sound of a pounding heart and sweaty hands clutching his arm.

“Luke?” Calum asks groggily, “Luke, what’s wrong?”

+

Luke is hot. It’s a gradual thing really, and he doesn’t even notice it until he feels like he’s burning a fever, but as the feeling of total elation slowly seeps out of him, his internal body temperature increases. And right now he feels like he needs to jump in an ice bath.

His jaw is sore too. Like, really fucking sore.

And his chest is tight, in a way that can only be caused by unrestricted anxiety; he feels like something really bad is about to happen but everything is okay, everything is _okay_.

He doesn’t realize how tightly he’s holding onto Calum until Calum is looking at him with wide, concerned eyes, asking him if he’s okay and no, he’s _not okay_.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

His chest feels like it’s going to explode and there’s this feeling of anxiety rooted inside him and it’s spreading to his entire body and he wants to curl up in a ball and he’s _so fucking hot_.

“You’re burning up,” Calum says worriedly. His hands feel cool against Luke’s bare skin.

Luke’s throat is dry. “Can I have water?” He whispers.

Calum nods and gets up, but Luke grabs at him as soon as he starts to move away, “No, please don’t leave.”

“Luke, water is in the kitchen,” Calum says slowly, cautiously.

“Are you going to come back?” Luke doesn’t even know why he’s asking this, because logistically _of course_ Calum is going to. But he feels so fucking paranoid.

“Of course I’m gonna come back,” Calum frowns, “Why wouldn’t I come back?”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry,” Luke’s skin is crawling.

“I’ll be right back,” Calum says calmly, reassuringly (how is he so calm right now? something is _wrong_ ), “I’ll be gone for less than a minute.”

Luke feels himself nod and watches as Calum goes into the kitchen. He wants to scream, and he bends over, clutching his stomach tightly, so that his chest is pressed to his knees.

He doesn’t think he breathes until he feels Calum’s hand on his back, “Sit up, baby.”

Calum hands Luke a glass of cold water. Luke takes it. His hands are shaking so badly that some of the water sloshes onto his jeans. Calum covers Luke’s hands in his own, steadying the glass as Luke raises it to his lips and drinks. He gulps it down.

“Don’t drink too fast, you’ll get a stomach ache,” Calum tells him.

Luke doesn’t care. He’s so fucking thirsty. And it feels like the energy has been drained out of him.

“I’m sorry,” Luke says, “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Calum says soothingly.

“Can we go to sleep?” Luke asks.

Calum nods quickly, “Yes.”

He stands up holding out a hand, which Luke takes gratefully. He jumps when the wood floor creaks, and when the mattress springs squeak. And at the sound of Calum closing the curtains to block out the morning light.

“Do you want to brush your teeth?” Calum asks and it’s such a stupid little thing but Luke suddenly can’t think of anything he wants to do more.

Luke nods and follows Calum to the bathroom. Calum puts toothpaste on his toothbrush for him and hands it to Luke.

Luke feels so fucking pathetic, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Calum says.

Like it’s as simple as that. (Luke wants to say sorry for this too, but instead he brushes his teeth.) His head is starting to hurt.

He just wants to go to sleep and never wake up, but once he’s lying in Calum’s bed he can’t fall asleep. It doesn’t make _sense_ because he’s fucking _exhausted_ ,but his brain won’t shut off and he can’t fucking fall asleep.

Eventually, Calum passes out, and Luke doesn’t blame him because Luke’s kept him up all night (he wants to apologize for this too). But Luke, by this reasoning, should be asleep now too. _What the fuck_.

He tries to grasp onto the last threads of elation leaving his body, tries to focus on the feeling, the feeling of happiness, but he feels like he’s slipping and it’s gradual, it doesn’t hit him like a truck, doesn’t catch him all at once. It leaks into him, this feeling of total and utter despair. And then it’s all that there is, and all he can think is _sadsadsad_ and _this is the worst feeling in the entire world_ and _I just want this to end_.

+

Calum wakes up later, the clock says ten. He’s still tired, but he doesn’t think he’ll be able to fall back asleep. He pulls out his laptop and opens it, glad that Luke seems temporarily asleep. He clicks on every link about ecstasy, reads everything, tries to figure out how to help Luke. Luke sleeps fitfully, tossing and turning beside him. He seems to fall in and out of sleep, sometimes turning over too many times to really seem asleep, and Calum watches him nervously, biting his lip as he continues to scroll through endless websites.

His stomach sinks at the results.

_“Even if a person takes only one pill, the side effects of MDMA—including feelings of sadness, anxiety, depression, and memory difficulties—can last for several days to a week (or longer in people who use MDMA regularly).”_

Every website says the same thing.

_Anxiety. Paranoia. Unsteadiness. Loss of appetite. Increased body temperature. Physical Exhaustion. Insomnia. Aggression. Depression and irritability._

Calum wants to throw up. Or smash a lamp. Or both. He needs a drink. But then- that sort of mentality is what got Luke into this mess, right? So maybe he should just punch a hole in the wall.

Luke groans into his pillow.

“Luke?” Calum asks tentatively.

“What?” Luke croaks out. He blinks blearily at Calum. He looks exhausted.

“Can I get you anything?” And Calum doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, okay?

“No,” Luke grunts, “Just leave me alone.”

He flips over so that his back is facing Calum. Irritability. Aggression. Right.

Calum closes his computer and gets out of bed. He makes it to the kitchen and he doesn’t think he’s ever been happier to see Ashton and Michael.

Calum’s distress is probably obvious on his face, and he knows he must look completely worn out too, because Ashton catches sight of him and immediately asks, “What’s wrong?”

“Luke took ecstasy?” He doesn’t even know why the fuck it comes out as a question, but Calum is so overwhelmed right now and he doesn’t protest when Michael pull him into a hug.

Michael and Ashton don’t say anything right away and Calum loves them for that. Eventually they sit down at the kitchen table and Calum covers his face in his hands. He’s already antsy that he’s left Luke alone for so long.

“Luke took ecstasy,” Ashton clarifies slowly.

Calum looks up at him and nods.

“When?” Ashton asks.

“He went to a club last night, didn’t he?” Michael asks, but he sounds sure of it, like he knows what the answer is, “Shit, and I told you not to worry.”

Calum nods again. And then he tells them everything.

“I feel like this is my fault,” Calum says when he’s finished, “He’s not happy at all. Am I doing something wrong? Isn’t he _supposed to be happy_?”

“Calum,” Michael says seriously, “Luke is _obviously_ dealing with some shit that he won’t tell us about. You’ve haven’t done anything wrong. Christ.”

And Calum knows this. He knows that he’s being stupid and feeling guilty for completely unjustified reasons, but he can’t help it.

“I think it might have something to do with his dad, actually,” Calum tells them, “He said he didn’t understand why his dad would hate him when he’s happy with me. And he doesn’t think his dad is going to talk to him again.”

“So… what? He told his dad about the two of you and his dad flipped?” Ashton shoots, “Wasn’t his mum was cool about it?”

“Yeah, she said she’d always love him,” Calum recalls, “and that as long as Luke was happy then she was happy for him. I mean I knew he hadn’t told his dad yet, cause you know, his dad can be sort of… close minded. But I didn’t think his dad would really care _that_ much, you know?”

“He started acting off, what, a week ago?” Ashton thinks back, “When we went out to get breakfast, remember? ‘Cause the night before he’d been really off.”

“Yeah,” Calum isn’t particularly happy about remembering.

“He got a phone call,” Michael says suddenly, “Like, right before things went downhill. We were talking in the kitchen and his phone rang the rest of the night he was just… off.”

“So you think that was his dad?” Calum guesses, “He probably saw the rumors of us on twitter.”

Michael nods, “That’s what I’m going with.”

“But wait-” Calum frowns, “He talked to his dad the day before yesterday. Right before we went to bed. He said he had to call him and then he’d come to bed.”

“And the next day he stayed in bed until four, then got up to go to a club and do hard drugs,” Ashton says, not bothering to keep the bitterness out of his voice, “I don’t think there’s really any other explanation than this one. His dad was giving him shit about you two or just liking guys in general and it sort of, I dunno, triggered him.”

“So it is kind of my fault,” Calum mutters.

“No, it’s not,” Ashton rebukes seriously, “It’s his dad’s fault.”

“Well, as of now, I want to punch Luke’s dad in the face. Multiple times,” Michael announces.

Calum lets out a short, insincere laugh, “The feeling is mutual.”

“So, what do we do?” Ashton questions.

“Well, Luke’s gonna be pretty low for the next few days up to a week,” Calum informs them unhappily, “I say we wait for that to pass, then figure something out.”

“Low?” Michael asks.

“Depressed,” Calum sighs, he hates even saying it, “Anxious. Trouble sleeping. No appetite.”

“Fuck,” Michael concludes.

“We’ll just keep an eye on him, okay? Try and be there for him,” Ashton sounds unsure of himself. Calum knows he’s only trying to stay level headed for Calum’s sake.

“Okay,” Calum takes a deep breath. He looks between Michael and Ashton, and they both look scared, worried, but they’re also looking at him steadily, bracingly, and he can do this, “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Ashton echoes.

“It is,” Michael finalizes.

Calum stands up, “I’m gonna go check on him.”

He forces himself forward and takes each step down the hallway with extra effort.

_Okay. It’s going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right, so, you probably all hate me now. i don't even know what to say. this was an emotional chapter to write, and i think it's the longest one yet. cheers to almost 50k words, though, and i actually managed to update even though this week was really busy (though now you're probably all wishing i hadn't). i tried to make the information on ecstasy accurate (i was inspired largely by the skins episode where effy sneaks out & takes e in that empty warehouse), but it was difficult because i have literally no experience with it whatsoever (i say it's difficult, but this is actually probably a really good thing). i'll put some of the websites i used below, especially the one i copied a quote from. also, my editor, owyn, says i need to write her a sweet apology letter in the notes because i gave her no warning for this chapter whatsoever, so hi owyn. i love you. thnx 4 dealing w me. i'm srry. right. i don't know why this has turned into a fucking speech but oh well. comments & kudos & feedback is always appreciated. and thank you so much for reading this every week. xoxoxoxo.
> 
>  
> 
> links: [I](http://www.mydr.com.au/addictions/ecstasy-effects-on-the-body), [II](http://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/mdma-ecstasy-or-molly), & [III](http://thewritersarchive.tumblr.com/post/48946444622)


	12. loving you is a bloodsport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luke hates emotions and calum just wants luke to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD i have been trying to update this for like an hour something is wrong with my computer and it will not connect to the internet it's kiLLING me anyway sorry for the late update but technically it's still sunday so u can't sue me. i hope you enjoy, this one's kind of short, sort of a filler chapter... also the unmentionable (school, oops i mentioned it) is starting tomorrow so i promise i'm going to try and update every week but that might mean shorter chapters depending on how much time i have to write. pls don't hate me i'm //trying/. i LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH my dedicated readers you make my week every single day. xoxoxoxo

Luke isn’t sure, really, how much time passes once he comes down. He knows that it has to have at least been three days because Calum has come to bed twice. Luke’s gotten up to go to the bathroom, to get a glass of water, but the motivation to leave Calum’s bed otherwise has been nothing but nonexistent.

It’s like he’s stuck in his head. All he wants is to flick a switch and turn off his mind for a while, but so far he’s failed miraculously. Even when he manages to fall asleep, it’s only for short periods of times, and then he wakes up again and everything feels as bad as it did when he last left it. He’s tired and anxious and it feels like there’s fucking black smoke clouding his brain with only bad emotions.

Luke is really starting to hate emotions.

It’s late in the afternoon and he’s staring at Calum’s bedroom ceiling, wondering how it’s possible to miss someone so much despite the fact that they’re right in the other room.

In Luke’s defense, he really _had_ thought it would be a good idea to tell Calum to leave him alone. He’d been pestering Luke to eat- apparently Luke hadn’t eaten in the past three days- and Calum had been getting increasingly frustrated with the fact that Luke wasn’t hungry. It wasn’t like Luke could _help_ the fact that the thought of eating made him nauseous. But Calum had been annoyed and it was making Luke feel even worse than he already did.

He’d come up with the solution of making Calum leave. And, like, he’d thought this would be a really good solution.

But now he hates it.

See, Luke never thought it was even this possible to want someone to be with you so badly. Even before the fucking heavens or _whatever_ decided to have Calum like Luke, when Luke was endlessly, stupidly pining after Calum, it was never as bad as this. He thinks it’s been almost forty minutes since he half-yelled at Calum to leave him alone and he misses Calum with his entire body, can almost feel Calum’s hands roaming his torso, murmuring stupid, comforting things into his ear.

Logically, Luke could easily go get Calum and try to apologize, but the last time Luke got up to go to the bathroom he nearly fell over, so he’s not really sure how steady on his feet he is right now (or how reliable a form of transportation they would be).

Luke settles on sending a text, just a quick- ‘ _i’m sorry. come cuddle?’_

He shuts off his phone, resting it on his chest and closing his eyes while he waits for a response, even though there’s this stupid part of his brain taunting him, telling him that Calum is angry with him and won’t come or even text back.

Calum does text back though, so there’s that.

Cal 3:51 _i went out for a bit, sorry baby… i’ll be back soon & then i’ll cuddle u so much you’ll wish you’d never asked_

Luke frowns at his phone. This is not the response he was looking for. He wants to ask where Calum is, but he doesn’t want to bother him.

Cal 3:52 _mikey & ash r still @ the flat i think_

Luke sighs loudly to himself, he supposes he could always bother Michael for a cuddle. With a considerable amount of effort, Luke drags himself out of bed, telling his unsteadiness to go fuck itself. He’s dizzy at first, and even though he’s wide awake, his limbs feel heavy and exhausted. He wanders into the living room, to find Michael and Ashton. By the looks of it, they’re in the middle of writing a song. Ashton is sitting on the coffee table, scribbling something down on a notepad that’s propped up on his knees. Michael is on the couch, his acoustic guitar  resting across his lap.

“Hi,” Luke says dully. He feels uncomfortable and he has no idea what to do with his hands.

Brief expressions of surprise flash across both Ashton and Michael’s faces (though Luke supposes he can hardly blame them for that). Not really sure what else to do, Luke sits down on the couch beside Michael.

“Hey, Lukey,” Michael’s voice is soft, but he actually sounds genuinely pleased to see Luke.

“How you feeling?” Ashton asks, because he’s Ashton and he’s practically the band mom.

Luke shrugs, “’m alright. Where did Calum go?”

“He went on a walk,” Michael answers, then adds, “He’s kind of stressed out.”

Luke wishes Michael hadn’t said that. He hates that he’s the source of Calum’s stress, “Is he angry with me?”

“No, he’s just worried about you,” Michael sighs, “Ash and I are too.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke says quietly. He wishes he hadn’t left Calum’s bed.

Michael wraps his arm around Luke’s shoulders, in what’s probably meant to be a reassuring gesture (but Luke isn’t reassured), “It’s okay, Luke.”

“No it’s not,” Luke frowns, because it’s stupid for them to pretend that he didn’t fuck up, “I’m a fucking basket case.”

“No you’re not,” Ashton snaps, his tone serious, “Just because you messed up once doesn’t mean you’re a fuck up. I don’t even care how cheesy this sounds, we all make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world, Luke.”

Luke is quiet for a moment, caught up in his thoughts. “Calum doesn’t deserve this. He deserves someone… stable.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Michael doesn’t sound frustrated or angry, just exasperated, like Luke is ridiculous for mentioning this, “Calum deserves _you_.”

Luke shoots him a weary look.

“Calum loves you so much,” Ashton says, his voice stern, not allowing room for argument, “He’s not just going to stop loving you because you screw up a few times. That’s not how it works.”

Luke shakes his head, “There’s no way he loves me. I mean sure, he _likes_ me, but-”

“Seriously, mate? Don’t even finish that statement,” Michael interrupts, “Literally nothing you say will convince us that Calum doesn’t love you. You’re crazy.”

Luke nods halfheartedly, disbelieving.

Another moment of silence passes, and then Ashton says, “Look… we know about your dad. Or kind of about it.”

Luke’s heart starts pounding against his ribcage. He can feel himself shutting down, and he clears his throat, “What?”

“You told Calum when you were… ya know,” Michael trails off awkwardly.

Ashton ignores this input, looking at Luke cautiously, “What… what exactly did he say?”

Luke really, _really_ wants to avoid this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about this,” he tells them.

“Well you have to,” Michael says sharply.

“No I don’t,” Luke pulls away from Michael, whose arm is still around his shoulders, and stands up to retreat to Calum’s room, but Michael grabs his wrist and tugs him back down onto the couch.

“Look,” Michael says, like he’s trying to be reasonable and he doesn’t understand that Luke _doesn’t_ want to talk about this, “Maybe Calum doesn’t want to push it because he loves you too much or whatever, I don’t know, but I’m perfectly fine bothering you until you fess up. Just _talk_ to us, dude.”

“You think Calum hasn’t tried the same thing?” Luke retorts.

“I’m not letting go of you until you talk to us,” Michael says stubbornly.

Luke glares at him, trying to yank his wrist out of Michael’s grasp, but Michael’s quite clearly foreseen this and he doesn’t even flinch. Luke doesn’t have the energy for this.

“What do you know already?” Luke asks grudgingly. He directs his question at Ashton, if Michael wants to play this game then Luke isn’t going to make it easy for him.

“We’ve kind of been guessing,” Ashton explains, “But you told Calum that you didn’t know why your dad would hate you for something that made you happy. And that you didn’t think he would talk to you again.”

It hurts to think about it, even worse to talk about it, and Luke feels like he’s choking on his words, but he forces himself to tell them everything.

When he’s finished, the first thing Ashton says is, “What your dad thinks doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does,” Luke snaps, and he knows he’s being unreasonable, knows Ashton is just trying to console him, but it’s not the right thing to say, “He’s my dad.”

Ashton sighs, “That’s not what I mean, okay? I just mean, like, obviously, it sucks but you can’t let it get to you like this. Honestly, he’s just stupid if he won’t talk to you because you like dudes. Nobody’s supposed to give a shit about that kind of thing anymore.”

“But he’s my _dad_ ,” Luke is frustrated; they don’t understand, “My _dad_ is never going to talk to me again.”

“I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be upset,” Ashton places a hand on Luke’s knee, probably hoping to convey some form of comfort, “You have every right to be upset. But you can’t let it get to you like this. You just have to accept it and move on.”

“Right, well let me know when your dad practically disowns you for liking it up the ass and then you can tell me to accept it and move on,” Luke says angrily, pushing Ashton’s hand away, “It’s not that fucking simple. You know if I was still at home he probably would’ve kicked me out, right?”

“Your mum wouldn’t have let him do that,” Michael mutters. He’s released his hold on Luke, now that he knows Luke isn’t trying to escape.

“I don’t think he would’ve let her stop him,” Luke says, turning on Michael. He doesn’t know why he’s getting so defensive, they’re his friends and they’re just trying to make him feel better, but he feels like a caged animal, “I shouldn’t have even told him, that was just stupid. You should have heard him. He said he wouldn’t expect me to ‘ _stray aside’_ like that but he just had to make sure.”

“It would’ve been worse if you hadn’t told him,” Ashton contends.

“Would it have though?” Luke asks bitterly, “It would’ve been pretty easy to lie to him. It’s not like I see him every day.”

“But you would’ve been lying about you and Calum and you shouldn’t have to lie about something as important as that,” Ashton argues, “It’s not fair to either of you.”

“Guess life’s not fair,” Luke mutters sarcastically. He looks down, picking at the fraying hole on the knee of his pajama pants, “Why couldn’t I just be straight?”

Neither one of them seem to have a response to this at first, but then Michael says reasonably, in one breath, “Because then Calum would’ve spent his entire life hopelessly wishing you loved him back and instead of him and you living happily ever after you would’ve ended up in some terrible marriage with someone the rest of us passionately hated and Calum would’ve been deeply unhappy and permanently single.”

“You don’t know that,” Luke rolls his eyes, “He would’ve found someone else.”

“Nope,” Michael says, like this isn’t even a possibility, “We would’ve had a perpetually unhappy Calum on our hands.”

“Why would I be perpetually unhappy?” Luke didn’t even realize that Calum had gotten back, too trapped in his need to prove Michael wrong to hear the door open, but there Calum is, his hair windblown and his cheeks slightly flushed from the cold.

“If Luke was straight and didn’t love you back,” Michael says offhandedly. Luke flinches. Calum doesn’t _love_ him in the first place.

“I would be eternally miserable,” Calum says easily, like he doesn’t have to think about it at all. He comes over and gives Luke a lingering kiss, “I’m very, very glad that you’re not straight.”

Luke scoffs, “My dad isn’t.”

Calum frowns, “Well your dad’s a dick.”

Maybe his dad’s a dick, but it still hurts and he can feel himself shutting down again, “Can we take a nap?”

Calum starts nodding, but then pauses, “Will you eat something first?”

“I’m not hungry,” Luke says blankly. Like a broken record.

“You haven’t eaten in-”

“In three days, I know,” Luke cuts him off, “I’m not hungry.”

“It’s not healthy to go that long without food, you’re gonna pass out,” Calum argues, “Just eat some toast.”

“I was thinking of ordering Chinese takeout for dinner. Maybe in a few hours?” Ashton suggests. Luke shoots him a glare. Traitor.

He looks back at Calum, “Can you please just drop it? I don’t… I hate fighting with you.”

“Will you at least eat dinner with us?” Calum conditions, but his features are already softening at Luke’s words.

“Calum.”

Calum sighs, “Okay. Okay, just… whatever. Let’s go to my room.”

“Well, takeout sounds good to me,” Michael strums a random chord on his guitar, then turns to Calum, “I’ll come get you guys before we order.”

“Alright,” Calum shrugs, looking defeated.

Luke is done with this conversation. He can take care of himself and he’ll eat when he’s _hungry_. He stands up, the room spinning, immediately feeling lightheaded. Maybe he _should_ eat something, but the thought of consuming food still makes him want to throw up.

He steadies himself on the back of the couch.

“You alright?” Michael asks, raising his eyebrows. Calum looks like he’s holding himself back from commenting.

“Just stood up too fast,” Luke manages to flash him a smile. He presses his eyes closed, and when he opens them again the room has come back into focus. They’re all looking at him with concerned expressions; Calum’s is mixed with annoyance.

“Shall we?” Luke tries his best to sound cheerful. He doesn’t do a very good job of it.

Without saying anything, Calum leaves the living room, making his way down the hallway. Luke follows him, stopping in the doorway of Calum’s room.

Calum’s bed is a mess. Luke’s constant tossing and turning hadn’t fared very well for the sheets; the blankets and the top sheet are twisted and kicked down to the bottom of the bed, and one corner of the bottom sheet is pulled up, revealing the mattress cover. The duvet is on the floor.

“Sorry about that,” Luke apologizes.

“It’s fine,” Calum mutters dismissively, going over to his dresser. He pulls his jeans off and digs around in his drawer for a moment until he finds a pair of sweatpants and slips them on. Luke tries and busies himself with fixing the bed, just to stop thinking about how irritated Calum is with him right now. He ends up stopping, though, because he’s dizzy and the room is spinning again.

“You okay?” Calum’s face is a little blurry.

“Just dizzy,” Luke murmurs, rubbing his eyes.

“’Cause you haven’t eaten,” Calum grumbles.

“I’m fine, I just-” Luke’s ears are ringing. The floor feels like it’s slipping out from beneath him.

“Whoa, okay, sit down,” Calum still sounds angry, but concerned now, too, and suddenly he has a strong grip on Luke’s arms, sitting Luke down on the bed, “I’m going to make you some fucking toast and I’ll force feed it to you if I have to.”

“’m not hungry,” Luke says; his ears are still ringing.

“I don’t care,” Calum says roughly, “Stay here.”

Luke tries to protest but Calum has already left the room, closing the door loudly behind him. Luke doesn’t know how much time passes before Calum finally returns, but when he does, he’s carrying a plate and a napkin.

He sits down next to Luke, and holds the plate out in front of him, but Luke refuses, “I’m telling you, the thought of food is making me feel sick. I’ll barf it all up.”

“Just one bite,” Calum insists, “Please. For me.”

Luke frowns as he reluctantly picks up a piece of toast with peanut butter spread on it and takes a small bite. He forces himself to swallow. Calum is looking at him expectantly. Grudgingly, Luke eats the two halves of the first piece of toast. He glares at the second piece, “I’m not eating that.”

“Are you still lightheaded?” Calum questions.

“No,” Luke lies. It’s not as bad as before, and besides, once he digests his food he really won’t be. Calum just needs to be patient.

“Fine,” Calum sighs, taking the plate from Luke and putting it on the nightstand. He scootches himself more to the center of the bed, then tugs at Luke’s arm, indicating for Luke to come closer. Luke moves onto Calum’s crossed legs, wrapping his own legs around Calum’s waist. Now they’re very close to each other and Luke leans his head on Calum’s shoulder, pressing his face against Calum’s neck. Calum hums in agreement, his hands wandering under Luke’s shirt, gently running over his lower stomach. He stops, resting his hands on Luke’s hips, thumbing his hipbones.

“Are you mad at me?” Luke mumbles.

“No. God, no,” Calum emphasizes, “I’m just… frustrated, I guess. I feel like I can’t do anything to help you and I just want you to be okay.”

“I’m okay,” Luke murmurs, an automatic response.

“No you’re not,” Calum says, “And that’s fine, it’s fine to not be okay sometimes. I just wish I could make things better for you, but I have no idea how. So yeah… I’m not angry with you. I’m just angry with myself because I feel really helpless.”

Luke stays silent; he doesn’t know what to say.

“When I went to make you toast, Ash said you told him and Mikey about your dad, and what actually happened,” Calum says quietly. Luke must visibly tense, because Calum’s light grip on his hips tightens, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Luke wants to disappear; he feels so _guilty_ , “First ‘cause I lied about us. When he called me after he saw the twitter stuff and… I dunno I just felt awful about it.”

“I would’ve understood,” Calum says immediately, like it’s that simple.

“Yeah, well. Then I actually worked up the guts to tell him the truth about us,” Luke continues shakily, “And then, you know… I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m not good at telling people things. You were happy and I didn’t want to unload everything on you, I dunno, I’m sorry.”

“I wish it was my dad,” Calum says, “I wish your dad was cool with everything and mine wasn’t instead. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“Neither should you,” Luke points out, “Nobody should.”

They fall into silence and Luke is left to brew with his thoughts. He’s not particularly fond of this, but he feels a little bit better with Calum knowing the truth. And he remembers lecturing Calum, just a few months ago, about how it wouldn’t be so bad if Calum would just _talk_ to him and he wonders why he can’t take his own advice so easily.

He supposes he could give it a go.

Luke takes a deep breath. “The worst part is he didn’t even yell at me. He just hung up. Like he was so disappointed in me or disgusted by me that he couldn’t even bring himself to say anything.”

“You’re not disgusting.” It’s almost scary how serious Calum’s voice is.

Luke doesn’t say anything to this; he definitely _feels_ disgusting right now.

“Listen to me,” Calum sounds angry now, but not how he was before. He sounds angry like he can’t even begin to comprehend why Luke would be thinking these things, like he’s pissed off that Luke isn’t seeing himself the way Calum sees him, like he wants to hurt the person who made Luke feel this way, “You are _not_ disgusting.”

“Just feel shitty right now,” Luke excuses, keeping his face buried against Calum’s neck.

“Does that mean I’m disgusting too, then?” Calum demands.

“No, you’re perfect,” Luke says immediately.

“Then your logic is completely flawed,” Luke can tell Calum is trying to keep his temper even but when Luke pulls back to look at him, his eyes are burning. “You’re so fucking incredible Luke, holy shit.”

“Stop,” Luke says; he doesn’t want to hear this. He’s feeling anxious again and maybe it’s just the after effects of MDMA and maybe it’s because he can’t stop beating himself up about his dad (and even though it’s probably both) he doesn’t want Calum to tell him that he’s incredible because he doesn’t believe that that’s true.

Something in Calum’s expression changes; there’s new determination and something Luke doesn’t recognize. He moves one hand to behind Luke’s neck, wrapping his other arm completely around Luke’s waist, pulling him even closer and he kisses Luke like he’s trying to prove something. Luke lets him take control, opens his mouth to let their tongues slide together and Luke decides right then and there that the only thing he ever wants to feel again is Calum.

Calum keeps his arm around Luke’s waist, but moves his other hand from behind Luke’s neck to in between their bodies, gently palming Luke through the fabric of his pajama pants. Luke sighs against Calum’s mouth, leaning into Calum’s touch. He runs his hands through Calum’s hair, tugging slightly at the ends, causing Calum to groan quietly.

Luke grinds down against Calum as his hands slide up under Luke’s shirt like before, except this time his motions are less wandering and more deliberate, like he’s trying touch all of Luke at once. His fingers run along the dips in Luke’s ribcage, thumbs brushing over Luke’s nipples, running shivers down Luke’s spine and causing his nipples to harden. His hands slide back down Luke’s torso, stopping at the hem of Luke’s t-shirt and slowly pulling it over Luke’s head. He then takes his own shirt off, before pulling back the waistband of Luke pajama pants and underwear, and slipping his hand down the front of Luke’s boxers.

He runs his thumb over the head of Luke’s cock, spreading the pre-come around before slowly sliding his hand down the length of Luke’s shaft. He squeezes the base tightly, then pulls his hand away. Luke pouts against Calum’s mouth, earning a small smile in return. Calum grips Luke’s hips and lifts him off of his lap and Luke loves the way his muscles move underneath his skin.

As Calum lays them back so that Luke’s head is resting on the pillows and Calum is hovering over him, his arms on either side of Luke’s shoulders, knees on either side of Luke’s hips, Luke reaches up and runs his hands along Calum’s biceps, feeling the muscles tense from just holding himself up.

Calum is watching him, and when Luke looks up at him, he’s got that look on his face, in his eyes, the one that says-

“I love you,” Calum’s voice is low, but not too quiet that Luke has to make sure he heard him correctly. And there’s a sureness to it, that makes Luke’s heart skip a beat.

“You do?” Luke asks. His own voice sounds small and disbelieving.

Calum keeps his dark brown eyes on Luke’s, nodding slowly but confidently, his voice falling to just above a whisper, “Yes.”

Luke’s throat feels tight, and he really wants to figure out a way to put his feelings into words but all he can manage is, “I love you too.” It doesn’t feel like enough to Luke, who’s written dozens of love songs about insignificant relationships and even though Luke has never felt this strongly about someone before, right now, he can’t think of a single poetic thing to say.

But Calum’s serious expression breaks into a grin and he bends down, connecting their mouths, and all Luke can feel is Calum.

Calum continues to hold himself up with one arm and with his free hand he roams Luke’s body, thumbing one of Luke’s nipples, pinching it and then circling it lightly. Luke loves Calum’s hands, loves the way his fingers are rough from callouses, but how his movements are still gentle, his intentions still full of complete adoration and awe; Luke wants to hold them forever.

They finally break apart as Calum begins to trail kisses along Luke’s jaw, sucking a love bite onto the spot on his neck, under his ear where his jawline ends. He mouths at the skin along Luke’s collarbones, moving slowly, like he’s trying to memorize Luke’s body. He keeps a hand rubbing up and down Luke’s side, burning his fingerprints into Luke’s skin while he peppers kisses across Luke’s chest and sucks the already teased skin around Luke’s nipples. Luke reaches a hand down to give Calum some friction, he can feel how hard Calum is through his sweatpants, and he loves the way Calum moans, low and throaty, against Luke’s skin.

Calum moves slightly out of Luke’s reach, as he slides his lips down Luke’s stomach and licks a strip up his happy trail, so Luke moves his hands to tug at Calum’s hair. He lifts his hips off the mattress so that Calum can easily slide his pajama pants and boxers off.

Luke sighs as Calum brings his hands down to cup Luke’s balls and massage them, relieving some of the pressure from Luke’s achingly hard cock, and then Calum fumbles around the nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out what is presumably a bottle of lube and a condom before shutting it again, never taking his eyes off of Luke. He uncaps the lube, squeezing it out and spreading it onto his fingers. Then, he slips his hand down  to Luke’s entrance, rubbing the tip of his index finger over Luke’s hole.

Luke doesn’t say anything, just let’s Calum know with the guttural whine he releases from the back of his throat that he needs Calum to do _something_. Calum is looking at Luke, his eyes dark and lust-filled and Luke can’t tear his gaze away, not even when Calum finally presses his index finger inside. His mouth falls open slightly, as Calum slides his finger in up to his knuckle, and Luke can’t stop thinking about how _long_ Calum’s fingers are and how badly he wants _more_.

Calum seems to recognize this, probably from the embarrassing sounds Luke isn’t even trying to keep in, and he fits a second, lube-coated finger in beside the first. He thrusts them in and out of Luke, curling them and scissoring them until Luke is breathing heavily and moaning loudly and then Calum adds a third finger, his middle finger brushing against Luke’s prostate, almost teasingly, and Luke _knows_ that he could come just from this. (Calum probably knows this too because he’s got a hint of a self-satisfied smirk on his face, hidden behind the adoring smile.)

Calum hits his prostate again, and Luke automatically reaches a hand down to his painfully hard cock, squeezing the base before sliding his hand up the shaft. He tries to match Calum’s rhythm, grinding down against Calum’s fingers as he sloppily jerks himself off, but Calum takes his free hand and knocks Luke’s own hand away.

“Don’t have to do anything, baby,” Calum murmurs, “’m gonna take care of you. Wanna make you feel good.”

“I need-” Luke’s breath hitches as Calum hits his prostate again, this time more aggressively.

“Yeah?” Calum hums, “Tell me what you need.”

“I need you,” Luke mumbles and he knows it doesn’t really make that much sense, but Calum kisses him fervently anyway, then pulls back and wraps his free hand around Luke’s cock. He pumps slowly, matching the pace of his fingers much better than Luke was able to.

Luke closes his eyes, biting his lip, he can feel the sweat on his forehead, knows his cheeks are probably flushed red and he’s so, _so_ close-

“You’re so fucking stunning,” Calum whispers, curling his fingers at just the right angle.

“If you keep doing that I’m gonna come before you even get a chance to fuck me,” Luke manages to tell Calum, as way of response.

Calum makes a displeased noise, a small frown set on his face, “We’re not fucking, we’re-”

Luke groans loudly, “Don’t you dare say we’re making love.”

“Why not?” Calum demands, affronted.

“ _Because_ ,” Luke whines, Calum brushing his sweet spot again.

“Well we’re not fucking,” Calum says ruthlessly, “That makes it sound meaningless and it’s not meaningless.”

Luke wants to come so badly but Calum hasn’t moved his fingers again and he manages to look at Calum, whose face is an open book right now. Luke can read every single emotion in his eyes, in his features.

“I love you,” Calum says, simultaneously sliding his fingers all the way out of Luke and pushing them back in, jerking his hand around Luke’s cock.

Luke kind of hates that that’s what sets him over the edge, those _stupid_ words, but Calum obviously doesn’t care that he’s not going to get to _fuck_ Luke because he knew exactly what he was doing and now Luke is spilling come all over his stomach and Calum’s hand.

Luke moans as Calum works him through his orgasm, murmuring sweet things to him that have a flush creeping up Luke’s neck and have him wanting to bury his face in a pillow.

“I love you too,” Luke murmurs back, once he stops seeing stars. He’s feeling a little dizzy again, but he thinks it might not actually have anything to do with how much he’s eaten, “Do you want me to…?”

Calum nods, already stroking his own cock lazily.

Luke rolls onto his knees, moving down the bed so that he’s at the right angle. He pushes Calum’s hand away, immediately replacing it with his own hand at the base and attaching his lips to the head. He licks along the slit, the way he knows Calum likes, swallowing his salty pre-come.

“God, yes, Luke,” Calum groans, and Luke loves the way Calum says his name. He licks a strip along the underside of Calum’s cock, then takes all of it into his mouth. His jaw is still a little sore, but it’s worth it, the way Calum’s brows are slightly furrowed, his eyes closed and how he bucks his hips, all the while repeating Luke’s name like an anthem.

When Calum comes, moaning loudly, Luke swallows it all and then Calum is pulling Luke up and into a bruising kiss and Luke actually, really doubts the stupid voice in his head telling him that Calum doesn’t love him because Calum _has_ to love Luke when he’s kissing him like this.

“Promise me something?” Calum murmurs.

“Yeah?”

“Next time something bad happens, talk to me,” Calum says, “Don’t get drunk. Don’t fucking take ecstasy. Don’t feel like you have to punish yourself. Just talk to me.”

Luke’s heart sinks a little bit. This, he thinks, is a lot to promise. And even if he doesn’t want to, he knows he’s going to break this promise.

“I promise,” he says anyway.


	13. lips dropping bombs, the apartment’s on fire, we’re all burnt out like the fifth of july

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it only takes one night to fuck up my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah. hah. hah..... i'M A TERRIBLE PERSON YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HATE ME AFTER THIS CHAPTER HOLY SHIT I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE SRRY XOXOXOXO (p.s. homophobic slurs trigger warning) (p.p.s. i really really really hate the word that i use you'll know which one i'm talking about it's such an awful word and i hope you never ever have that word used against you or that you ever use that word bc it's a horrible word and nobody should ever have to be called that) (p.p.p.s I LOVE LUKE'S DAD SO MUCH AND LIKE THREE DAYS AGO I SAW A POST ON HOW GREAT HE WAS SO I'M SORRY I KNOW HE'S NOT ACTUALLY HORRIBLE AT ALL AND I FEEL BAD FOR WRITING HIM THAT WAY BUT YEAH IT'S PURELY ENTIRELY FICTION AND I'M SURE HE IS A WONDERFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING) jesus christ these chapter notes are all over the place plz forgive me i just want to be loved alSO P.P.P.P.S. I'M POSTING SATURDAY NIGHT INSTEAD OF WAITING TIL TOMORROW BC I DIDN'T UPDATE LAST WEEK ASLO P.P.P.P.P.S. MY COMPUTER RANDOMLY STARTED WORKING AGAIN?>??? IDK????? XOXOXOXOXO

Luke Hemmings is beautiful. Calum knows this. But there are certain times in his life where it really hits him like a fucking train. They’re lying in their sort of post-amazing orgasm euphoria, and Luke is lying half on top of Calum, his cheek pressed against Calum’s shoulder. Calum can feel Luke’s breath on his skin, every time Luke breathes out and it’s kind of an awkward strain on his neck to be looking down at Luke the way he is but he thinks it’s worth it. Luke’s arm is stretched across Calum’s body, reaching Calum’s hand and lacing their fingers together.

Luke’s hand slackens as his eyes flutter shut, and Calum kind of hates that this is something he’s feeling relieved about, but Luke’s been having such a shit time falling asleep and staying asleep the past few days that Calum is glad he’s able to now.

Calum also can’t stop thinking about all the things Luke’s said lately. It kind of hurts him that Luke feels so shitty about himself. He figures there’s a lot of things to factor in that’s gotten Luke to this point, but Calum still finds it hard to comprehend that Luke sees himself the way he does. He wants Luke to be able to see himself the way Calum sees him, even if it would make him horribly cocky. And he wishes that Luke wouldn’t let his dad affect him so much or that his dad would just be okay with everything in the first place.

Calum supposes you can’t have everything.

When Luke is feeling better, Calum decides, even though he has no idea when that’s going to be, he’s going to take Luke on another date. One that doesn’t involve weird, exotic foods and ex-hookups for waiters. Maybe they’ll go see a film. Or maybe Calum could cook pasta for him. He could tell Ashton and Michael to get lost for the night and they could take advantage of the empty flat.

And really, nobody can blame him for imagining the utilization of the kitchen table as a surface for fucking.

“You’re such a teenager,” Luke would say in his stupid Luke voice. (But he wouldn’t be thinking that for too long.)

And Ashton and Michael wouldn’t have to know.

Luke shifts a little in his sleep, his hold on Calum’s hand tightens slightly. Calum wonders if he’s having a bad dream. He feels like he’s ten years old again, wishing for a  magic wand to make all the bad things disappear.

There’s a knock on the door that startles Calum from his thoughts, and he hasn’t spoken in a while, so his voice cracks when he says, “Come in.”

He looks away from Luke to see Michael opening the door and stepping into the room, closing the door behind him.

“Hey, Mikey,” Calum says quietly.

“Hey,” Michael comes over to the bed and sits down on it next to Calum, “Luke asleep?”

Calum nods, “Yeah. What’s up?”

“I think we’re gonna order dinner now,” Michael says, “The menu’s online if you wanna come out and look at it with Ash and me. Or I guess we could bring the laptop in here.”

“Nah, I’ll get up,” Calum says, gently detangling himself from Luke. Luke rolls onto his back, still asleep, “Fair warning, I’m naked.”

Michael shrugs, so Calum throws the covers off of himself and back onto Luke, then gets dressed in what he thinks is a clean pair of underwear and his sweatpants from earlier.

“Should we wake Luke up and ask him what he wants?” Michael asks quietly, obviously trying not to wake Luke up.

Calum shrugs, walking back over to Michael’s side, looking at Luke thoughtfully, “I dunno. He just fell asleep. And I got him to eat that toast earlier.”

“Before or after you guys had grossly romantic sex?” Michael snickers, elbowing Calum in the side.

Calum shoves him back, “Piss off.”

Michael just winks at him.

“I’ll just get him whatever I’m getting,” Calum says, deciding to ignore Michael’s wink.

“Alright, we’ll let him sleep,” Michael agrees.

Calum nods as Michael gets up. He glances at Luke again, who looks fast asleep, “Yeah. Hopefully he’ll be able to sleep for a little while longer. He hasn’t, um, been sleeping very much.”

Michael wraps his arm around Calum’s shoulders, squeezing his arm reassuringly but not saying anything as they exit the bedroom.

+

Luke wakes up when he subconsciously reaches out for Calum and finds that Calum isn’t there. Luke’s uncomfortable. His skin feels like it’s too tight for his body, and even though Calum’s absence woke him, he’s glad he’s alone. He’s not sure if he’s feeling every single emotion at once or nothing at all; he can’t really tell right now. It seems like both, but Luke knows that doesn’t make sense.

He tries (and fails) to fall asleep again, so he grabs his phone and messes around on twitter for a bit, responding to fans and reading tweets. He forces himself to ignore tweets regarding Calum and himself, and he stays out of any related tags altogether. They’re not trending anymore, which Luke supposes is positive, but he still sees a fair amount of speculation. His dad hasn’t tweeted anything (it’s not like Luke specifically checks, though).

He sees that he has a missed call from his mum, and that she left a voicemail, but he doesn’t really want to listen to it right now. He knows what it’s about. He’ll just get back to her tomorrow.

Since he’s pointedly ignoring his mum, he decides to call his dad. Luke knows this is pointless and is probably going to leave him feeling like shit, but he dials the number anyway. Besides, he _already_ feels like shit. What’s feeling a little worse? The phone rings to voicemail (and he’s right, it hurts him more than it probably should).

He clears his throat after the beep, “Hi, Dad. It’s me. Luke. Uh… maybe you could call me?”

Luke wants to kick himself after that. It certainly wasn’t enough, a totally lame attempt, _no wonder_ his dad is disgusted by him, he’s pathetic.

He fiddles with his phone for a minute before calling again. Smart Luke wouldn’t have done this. Smart Luke would’ve put his phone down and done something else. But Luke isn’t smart. Luke is pathetic and Pathetic Luke calls his dad, even when he knows no one is going to pick up.

“Hey, listen, um. I know you’re probably not really… okay with me… being… gay. But. Um. I was kind of hoping I could talk to you… about… it. So yeah, like I said. Call me.”

Right.

 _Pathetic_.

Feeling thoroughly depressed, Luke dumps his phone on the nightstand, rolling onto his side and willing himself to not be awake. He pretends that he’s asleep when Calum comes in, offering sweet and sour chicken, and he must actually fall asleep at some point after that, because when he wakes up again it’s light out and Calum is lying on his stomach, his arms under his pillow, his back muscles visible from the position he’s in, and he’s fast asleep. His head is turned towards Luke, his mouth opened slightly and his expression is calm.

Luke shivers, his eyes falling on the bedroom window, which is cracked open slightly. He assumes Calum must’ve opened it before he’d gone to bed since the room had been stuffy, but now it’s freezing. Luke gets out of bed and finds a long-sleeved shirt and pair of Calum’s sweatpants to put on. Then he closes the window and climbs back into bed.

The sky is grey and gloomy, a pale light is flooding in through the thin curtains and it’s the kind of quiet that only exists when most people in the world are asleep.

“Morning, Luke,” Calum murmurs as Luke lies back down.

Luke turns onto his side, so that he’s facing Calum, “Hardly that.”

“I know, fuck, what time is it?” Calum groans.

Luke searches the room for the clock, “Six fifty four.”

“Too early,” Calum mumbles. He scootches himself so that he’s lying on his side now, much closer to Luke. “Can I have a good morning kiss?” He’s grinning cheekily.

Luke smiles a bit, “Not until you brush your teeth. You have terrible breathe in the morning.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before,” Calum wiggles his eyebrows and even those he’s closed his eyes again, it’s like he can see that Luke is going to give in.

“Fine,” Luke huffs, leaning over and pressing his lips against Calum’s. He was right, Calum _does_ have terrible breathe in the morning, but Calum was right too (it’s never stopped Luke before). Calum turns onto his back and pulls Luke on top of him.

“I love you,” Luke murmurs in between lazy kisses. The idea scares the living daylight out of him, but for some reason he says it anyway. And the smile on Calum’s face, the one that makes him look like the human embodiment of sunshine, is worth it.

“I love you too,” Calum smirks, “Actually, I love you _more_.”

“You have to make everything a competition, don’t you?” Luke rolls his eyes, but Calum’s expression is so fucking endearing.

“I’m Calum fucking Hood,” Calum says, “Of course I do.”

Luke is surprised at the laughter that bubbles up inside him. He hasn’t felt like laughing at all these past few days and now some stupid thing that Calum’s said has made him want to giggle like an idiot (except he’s Luke Hemmings and Luke Hemmings doesn’t _giggle_ ).

“What are you thinking about?” Calum asks.

Luke realizes that he must’ve gotten caught up in his thoughts for a moment, “You.”

“Sap,” Calum says, but he’s still smiling, “How’re you feeling, by the way?”

Luke sighs. It’s the inevitable question that he doesn’t have an answer to, “I dunno. Better, I guess. But still. I dunno.”

“Wanna take a shower with me?” Calum asks; he can probably tell that Luke doesn’t want to talk about this.

“I’m not really in the mood for shower sex right now, to be honest,” Luke says.

Calum laughs quietly, “I promise we’ll actually _shower_.”

“Fine,” Luke gives in, “I feel gross anyway.”

“You’re not gross-” Calum begins.

“No, I mean I haven’t showered in way too long,” Luke cuts him off, before he can go on a rant about how wonderful he thinks Luke is.

Calum purses his lips, obviously trying to figure out what Luke’s thinking, “Okay, then. So how are we actually going to get to the shower? Because I have a negative amount of motivation to get out of bed right now.”

“It was your idea,” Luke points out, “I’m totally fine with staying in bed longer.”

They don’t actually make it to the bathroom for another forty minutes. But once they do, Calum turns on the shower, waiting for the water to warm up and then adjusting it to the right temperature. He pulls off his sweatpants and boxers, then waits for Luke to do the same.

Grabbing Luke’s hand, Calum steps into the shower, pulling Luke in with him. Luke follows and drags the shower curtain shut. The shower is kind of small, especially with the two of them in it, and Luke has to bend over a little bit so that he fits under the shower head. Calum lets the water run over his body and soak through his hair, then he switches places with Luke. Luke reaches up as the water falls over him, running his hands through his hair and pushing his fringe out of his eyes.

“I’m struggling with the no shower sex rule, right now,” Calum comments cheekily.

Luke laughs shortly, “Horny Bastard.”

“Only joking,” Calum loosely wraps his arms around Luke’s waist. Luke drapes his arms on Calum’s shoulders, hooking his hands together behind Calum’s neck.

“Do we have anything today?” Luke asks, looking to change the subject.

“’M not sure,” Calum says thoughtfully, “Might have a writing session or something.”

Luke nods. Calum pulls away and reaches for the shampoo bottle, squeezing some shampoo into his palm. He rubs it around on his hands, then reaches up and begins working the shampoo into Luke’s hair. He drags his fingers down Luke’s head, massaging his scalp.

“I’m not objecting to this at all,” Luke says, “But I’d like to point out that it was _you_ calling _me_ the sap earlier and you’re _washing my hair_ right now.”

Calum laughs (Luke loves Calum’s laugh).

“Sure you’re not objecting?” Calum asks teasingly.

Luke gives him a small smile in return, “Definitely not.”

Calum rolls his eyes, but continues to wash the shampoo out of Luke’s hair, then spread conditioner onto his fingers and gently work it into Luke’s hair as well.

“I love you,” Calum says again as he rinses the conditioner out and lathers up the loofa with body wash.

Luke lets Calum wash his chest, and then his arms, legs, and back, “I love you too.”

Once they’re both clean and their skin is wrinkly, Calum turns off the water. He hands a towel to Luke and then dries himself off with the other one.

They make their way back to Calum’s bedroom. Luke really _does_ feel better than he has recently, but he’s still got the little demon in the shape of his father sitting on his shoulder. He wants to call him again, even though he knows the rest of the boys would tell him not to. He thinks maybe he’ll try once they’re busy doing something else.

Luke throws on a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a dark red sweater that may or may not be Ashton’s (somehow it ended up in Calum’s closet). As Calum gets dressed, Luke sits down on the bed and checks his phone calendar.

“You and Mikey have got a writing session at nine,” Luke informs Calum, “I don’t think Ash and I have anything.”

“Alright,” Calum comes over to Luke and kisses him, “Wanna go grab some breakfast? It’s still early out, I doubt we’ll get stopped for pictures and whatnot.”

Luke supposes he has a bit more of an appetite than he had previously, and Calum is looking at him so hopefully, “Why not?”

“Cool, I’ll grab the car keys,” Calum slips on his jacket and tosses one of his beanies to Luke, “It’s cold out.”

Luke kind of wants to roll his eyes at Calum’s doting, but instead he puts the beanie on.

+

Luke is lying on the couch, aimlessly scrolling through his phone and entirely caught up in his thoughts. It’s around 9:30. Calum and Michael have already left for their writing session and Ashton is at the gym. He’d triple checked with Luke if it was okay that he go (he obviously didn’t want to leave Luke alone at the flat), but Luke had insisted. He really just wanted to be alone.

His thumb hovers over his dad’s contact, and he knows he shouldn’t call him, really, it’s a stupid idea (but he calls him anyway).

“Hey, dad, it’s me again, could you just please call me back? I need to talk to you.”

+

Ashton gets back an hour later, but Luke pretends to have fallen asleep on the couch. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He hears the shower turn on after about ten minutes, so he turns on the TV and watches _Spongebob_ until Ashton comes out, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, his hair still wet.

“Hey,” Ashton says, “Have a nice nap?”

“Not too bad,” Luke shrugs, “Woke up pretty early today.”

They watch _Spongebob_ together; Ashton wraps his arm around Luke and Luke rests his head on Ashton’s shoulder. It’s nice and Luke sort of loves Ashton for not pushing him to say anything.

“I was gonna meet Mikey and Cal for lunch, they should be finished around now. You wanna come?” Ashton asks around noon. He sounds so hopeful, it kind of hurts, “We’re gonna stop by Liam’s afterwards, Louis and Harry are over there too.”

Luke just smiles, pretending to still be tired, “I’m tired still, I think I’m gonna move to my bed and sleep a bit more. Tell them I say ‘hi’, though.”

Ashton seems content with this answer despite the slight disappointment in his expression, “Alright, I’m gonna go grab a jacket and my shoes. I’ll see you later, I guess.”

Fifteen minutes later, Luke is alone again. He turns the TV off and picks up his phone.

On the fourth ring, his dad answers. Luke’s heart skips a beat, and he’s honestly surprised he doesn’t have a heart attack right then.

“Dad? I’m so glad you answered, I-”

“Don’t call me again unless you get your shit together and stop it with this fag business. Do you understand?”

His dad ends the call.

Luke spends the next half hour thinking things through. He doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision, but he knows he has to do it even though he’s crying when he dials Calum’s number.

“Calum,” Luke says, after the beep. His voice is shaking, “You’re- you’re amazing, you know that? And…”

When it’s over, the first thing Luke realizes is that he’s not crying anymore. But something snaps inside of him, and it doesn’t hurt anymore, almost like he’s numb.

+

Calum’s been at Liam’s for a while now, and it’s already dark outside. They’ve been playing video games, and drinking cheap beer (even though they can all afford something better) and listening to shitty pop music. Calum only feels a little bit guilty for being happy, but it’s been so nice to not worry about anything for a couple of hours that he doesn’t even remember to check his phone.

When he finally _does_ check his phone, he realizes he has a missed call from Luke. He shoves his phone back in his pocket, instead of checking to see if there’s a message, and turns to the boys, “I’m gonna head out, guys, Luke called me earlier, and I’m getting kind of tired. I was up early.”

Since Ashton had come in a separate car, Calum figures Michael and Ashton can stay a while longer. He says his goodbyes, emphasizing to Liam how nice it was to just hang out doing nothing important.

When Calum arrives back home, he sees another car in the driveway, one that he doesn’t recognize, but he ignores it as he makes his way up to the flat. He closes the front door quietly behind him, kicking off his shoes. He notices an unfamiliar pair of shoes at the door, a pair of black stilettos and Calum wonders if maybe Luke had Sophia over.

“Luke?” he calls out, confused.

There’s no response.

Calum checks in his bedroom first (it’s closer to him) and he finds it empty. Luke’s door is closed, but when Calum tries the handle, it’s unlocked.

Calum should’ve knocked. He really should’ve. Although, in hindsight, he’s not sure it would’ve made things any better. But Calum doesn’t knock. Calum pushes the door open. And what he sees makes him want to throw up.

Luke is entangled with some stranger, with some _girl_. They’re on his bed, the girl in his lap. She’s got jet black hair, and she’s wearing a lacy red bra with matching underwear. Calum can’t see her face, because her lips are attached to Luke’s neck in exactly the place where Calum gave him a love bite the night before. Luke’s eyes are closed and he’s got his shirt off as well. Calum spots it lying on the floor next to the girl’s dark red dress and Calum feels like manically laughing because the first thought that pops into his head is that her fucking dress matches her underwear.

Her hand is down the front of Luke’s pants too, and Luke’s hands are running over her body, the way they were running over Calum’s just the night before, and she’s moaning against his neck and Calum feels like a computer, flashing an error message across the screen, because something is wrong, _this is wrong_.

“What the fuck?”

Calum’s words make Luke jump slightly, and he pushes the girl off his neck.

“Calum, listen-” Luke starts, but Calum can barely hear him.

“No, _what the fuck_?”

“I think you should go,” Luke mutters to the girl, and she shrugs, like this is no big deal, smiling apologetically at Calum on the way out.

Calum stares Luke down, completely ignoring the girl, and the only thing he can feel right now is anger. He doesn’t say anything until he hears the front door shut.

He knows he should probably be yelling right about now, but instead his voice is so serious, so low, that he kind of scares himself, “You better fucking explain something right now because I swear to god Luke-”

“I called you!”

“You called me?”

“I broke- I broke up with you,” Luke stutters, and _this is wrong_. Luke doesn’t look like Luke. Something’s off. His eyes are different. He looks empty and he can’t be Calum’s Luke because Calum’s Luke wouldn’t be saying these things.

“You broke up with me over the fucking phone?” Calum is yelling now. And he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stop.

“I left you a message, I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it in person, do you know how difficult it was?” Luke shouts back.

“How _difficult_ it was?” Calum is clenching his fists so tightly that his knuckles have turned white, “You know what? Fuck you.”

“You don’t understand!” Luke yells, and now there are tears in his eyes.

Calum slams his hand against the bedroom door, “No, I don’t _fucking_ understand. Because you  don’t tell me shit!”

“I-”                                                                      

Calum cuts him off, “I’ve been there for you. Every fucking step of the way. I don’t care that you’ve tried to drink yourself to death, I don’t care that you’ve gone out and done fucking ecstasy, okay? I still fucking love you. And then you- and then you’re about to fuck some girl? After ‘breaking up’ with me over the phone? Over a fucking _voicemail_? What the fuck, Luke? Did you even mean it? When you said you loved me?”

“My dad,” Luke says desperately, “I’m straight. I have to be straight.”

“You’re fucking gay!” Calum exclaims, “Stop fucking with yourself. Who cares what your dad thinks?”

“I care!” Luke shouts, angry tears spilling over, “None of you understand! None of you fucking understand! Why the fuck wouldn’t I care? He’s my dad! And I can’t be- I’m not fucking gay.”

“Really? ‘Cause you seemed pretty fucking gay with my fingers up your ass,” Calum can hardly help the bitterness dripping from his voice.

“Fuck you, Calum,” Luke snaps.

Calum flinches. And it’s quiet. And Calum doesn’t know what to say, he wants to scream.

“Does- does what we have? What we _had_ ,” Calum says lowly, “mean nothing to you?”

“Don’t say that,” Luke whispers.

“Well I don’t fucking know!” Calum is yelling again, “And I don’t know what to do, cause I fucking love you and I haven’t given up on you through all the shit you’ve put us through-”

“You didn’t have to stay,” Luke interrupts harshly.

“I didn’t have to stay? Like I would’ve done anything else? You’re so fucking selfish, Luke! You think that it’s the end of the world because some fucking bad shit happens but it’s not! You don’t have to go out and fuck everything up just because you feel like shit. Do you have any idea how worried we’ve all been about you? And it’s like you don’t fucking care! Like everything I’ve done to show you how much I fucking love you doesn’t matter at all. So yeah, I don’t fucking know what to do cause I love you but you fucking cheated on me.”

“I didn’t cheat on you,” Luke mutters, “I broke up with you first.”

“How fucking thoughtful of you,” Calum snaps.

“You should go,” Luke says quietly.

Calum can physically feel his heart breaking, “You’re not even gonna fight for me? You’re not even gonna _try_?”

“I’m straight.”

“Fuck you, Luke,” Calum shakes his head, yanking the bedroom door open, “Seriously. Fuck you.”

He slams the door loudly behind him, falling back against it instead of leaving and he can hear Luke crying on the other side and it feels like there’s an axe lodged in his chest.

He leaves when he can’t take it anymore, when Luke’s sobbing gets louder and, somehow, he manages to get back to his car.

It’s not until he’s sitting there, in the darkness of his car, that he pulls out his phone, and opens the voicemail from Luke.

“Calum,” Luke’s voice is shaky, and it sounds like he’s crying, but it’s _Luke_ it’s not some stranger with empty eyes, “You’re- you’re amazing, you know that? And I don’t… I’ve never deserved you. You deserve so much fucking better. And I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay because I’m not and you already know that, you know that I’m not okay because you’re a fucking angel, and I’ve never fucking deserved you. I just- You’re gonna find someone who deserves you someday, okay? My dad, just, I can’t _do_ this anymore, I can’t do _us_. I’m sorry.”

Calum knows that his heart is broken. He can feel the fragments like broken shards of glass breaking apart in his chest. It hurts like fucking hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.p.p.p.p.p.s if i made a playist for the fic on 8tracks would you guys like that??? it would just be like all the songs i've mentioned & all the songs that i took lyrics from for the chapter titles, lemme know in the comments section also feedback & kudos are always appreciated xoxoxo


	14. please bathe me now, wash me clean, just set my heart on fire like gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luke needs to think about his own happiness and calum drinks bourbon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I'M STILL AN ASSHOLE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY. (srry this is a lil l8 btw i was @ a wedding all weekend and i had to write a majority of the chapter @ the airport 2day). XOXO p.s. LISTEN TO GASOLINE BY TROYE SIVAN IT WAS RECOMMENDED TO ME BY thatfangirlingfreak AND IT'S LITERALLY PERFECT FOR THIS FIC RN

There’s an sharp pain in Luke’s chest, like there’s a knife lodged right in between two ribs, right in his heart. Your ribs, your bones, your muscles, your skin, Luke thinks, are supposed to protect your heart from this sort of pain, like a shield.

Right now it feels like someone’s cut out Luke’s heart and stabbed it, raw and defenseless, with no bones or muscle or skin to protect it at all.

He’d heard Calum leave a while ago, and at some point after that he’d stopped crying. He feels empty of all emotion other than the ache in his chest, and his brain has stopped processing intelligent thoughts. It’s a mush of swear words and Calum’s name and Luke wants it to _stop_. He hates this feeling. And he hates the look that had been on Calum’s face right before Calum had left, hates knowing that he would feel horrible even if he hadn’t caused that look of complete betrayal. Luke is sick of feeling horrible.

He doesn’t let himself think that, maybe, if Calum was still here, he might feel less horrible.

That thought would only make things worse.

But his bed feels weird to him. He can’t even remember the last time he slept in it, Calum’s bed had always seemed like such a better place to be. And he almost let’s himself wish he _was_ in Calum’s bed, in Calum’s arms but-

_I’m straight, I’m straight. I have to be straight_.

Luke repeats this to himself like a mantra (maybe then it might hurt less).

+

Ashton and Michael get home late, a little past one in the morning, and the first thing Ashton notices is that the car Calum had driven from Liam’s back to the flat isn’t there. He parks the car that he and Michael had taken, unbuckling his seat belt and reaching over to shake Michael awake (he’d fallen asleep with his face pressed against the glass window). Michael stirs, looking around himself, slightly disoriented at first.

“We back?” he yawns loudly.

“Yeah,” Ashton answers offhandedly, looking around the parking lot of the flat complex, just to make sure he hasn’t missed Calum’s car. “The car that Calum took isn’t here.”

Michael looks around sleepily, obviously not finding this fact as worrying as Ashton does, “Weird? I guess? Whatever, I’m so tired, mate.”

Ashton would be annoyed at Michael’s lack of concern if he hadn’t woken up less than a minute ago, “Yeah me too. Shall we?”

Michael nods, agreeing, and follows Ashton as they get out of the car and proceed up to the flat. The flat is silent, but all the lights are on. Michael yawns again, and rubs his eyes.

“They probably went out for a midnight snack or something,” Michael guesses, obviously trying to quell Ashton’s unease.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Ashton says reluctantly. He finds that Michael’s yawns have rubbed off on him, “Let’s go to bed.”

+

Ashton wakes up ridiculously early. It’s around eight, an hour previously labeled by Michael as ungodly, and though he’s not entirely sure why he’s awake, he decides to make the most of it by going on a run. He changes out of the t-shirt and sweatpants that he’d slept in, and into a pair of gym shorts, a muscle shirt, and a sweatshirt.

As he stops in the kitchen for a glass of water, his eyes are drawn to movement on the balcony. Confused, Ashton puts down his water and goes over the glass door, sliding it open to see Luke leaning against the balcony railing as he lights up a cigarette and takes a drag. He starts coughing loudly.

“You smoke now?” Ashton looks as Luke skeptically, raising his eyebrows.

Luke jumps violently, sending himself into another coughing fit. “I thought I’d give it a shot. But-” he snuffs the cigarette on the balcony railing, putting it out, “it’s awful. Holy shit.”

Ashton frowns, sitting down in the plastic chair and looking up at Luke, “Where did you even get those?”

“Walked to a gas station earlier,” Luke answers airily.

“It’s, like, eight,” Ashton observes, “What time, exactly, is earlier?”

“Four thirty-ish?” Luke shrugs, like it’s not weird that he walked to a gas station to buy cigarettes at four in the morning.

“Have you even gone to sleep yet?” Ashton asks.

Luke hesitates before answering, “Not exactly.”

“Why not…?” Ashton kind of feels like he’s interrogating Luke, but he’s coming to think that something is wrong.

“Just didn’t go to sleep, I guess,” Luke says lightly, “I dunno.”

And now Ashton _knows_ that something is wrong, because Luke is fidgeting, and he’s looking down at his feet and there’s no reason, really, that Calum would’ve let Luke just leave in the middle of the night without going with him, especially not with the current circumstances, and if he had gone with him he wouldn’t have let Luke buy cigarettes, which means that Luke hadn’t been with Calum last night, and-

“Where’s Calum?” Ashton asks slowly.

Luke remains silent just long enough that Ashton is about to push the question, but then he says quietly, “Dunno.”

“ _What_?” Ashton isn’t sure he heard Luke correctly.

“I don’t know,” Luke repeats, more forcefully this time.

“How do you not know?”

“He left.” Luke still won’t look directly at Ashton.

“Why?” Ashton asks, bewildered.

“We broke up. I broke up with him.” His words sound empty, emotionless.

“Sorry?” Now Ashton really isn’t sure if he’s hearing Luke right.

“Don’t make me say it again,” Luke’s voice breaks.

“What the fuck, Luke?” Ashton demands. He wonders if Luke is on drugs, or something, _again_. There’s no way he’s in his right mind.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Luke says dully.

“Well you have to talk about it,” Ashton snaps, suddenly fed up with how Luke’s been handling everything, “Jesus Christ, Luke, you can’t keep doing this.”

“Keep doing what?” Luke asks, like he doesn’t know.

“You know what,” Ashton answers roughly.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Luke repeats.

“Too bad,” Ashton looks pointedly at Luke, who’s studying the creases on his palm, “Why the fuck did you break up with him?”

“My dad finally answered his phone,” Luke mumbles.

“What?”

“He told me not to call him again unless I stopped being a fag.”

Ashton softens, then, and now he wants nothing more than to wrap Luke up in his arms and shield him from everything awful that’s happening.

“Luke… I’m so sorry,” Ashton struggles to say something comforting, but he’s pretty sure nothing he says will make it better, “That’s horrible.”

“Yeah,” Luke says, almost inaudibly.

“I still don’t understand why…” Ashton trails off, the unspoken _why you broke up with Calum_ hovering in the air between them.

“I can’t like guys, Ashton, I have to be straight.” He sounds so desperate, it makes Ashton want to cry.

“Bullshit,” Ashton wishes he could somehow convey how wrong Luke’s thought process really is, “It’s okay to like dudes.”

“For other people, yeah, but-”

“It’s okay for _you_ to like dudes.”

“My dad-”

“Luke,” Ashton says so seriously that Luke actually looks at him, “What about your own happiness?”

Luke looks like the thought hadn’t even occurred to him, and he glances back down at his feet, remaining silent.

“That matters too,” Ashton says quietly.

“It’s too late,” Luke’s voice cracks, and he clears his throat before speaking again, “Calum’s gone.”

“Look, I’ll be right back, okay?” Ashton stands up, and draws Luke into a tight hug. He then leans back, so that he can look Luke in the eye, but he keeps his hands on Luke’s arms, “Luke, I love you so fucking much, but you need to get your shit together. Fuck, mate, maybe Michael and I aren’t actually love gurus or some shit, but you and Calum are meant to be together. That’s just, like, an obvious fact of the universe. And I know things haven’t been easy for you, and I know it’s not fucking fair, but it’s going to be worth it. It’s _Calum_. You can’t just walk away from what you have with him.”

“I already have,” Luke mutters.

“Stay here, okay?” Ashton ignores Luke’s comment, holding his hand out, “And give me the cigs. I’m throwing them away.”

“Fine,” Luke grumbles, handing Ashton the pack, “They’re awful anyway.”

“I’ll be back really soon,” Ashton assures him.

“You’re going to call him, aren’t you?” Luke narrows his eyes suspiciously.

“Yes,” Ashton admits.

Luke sighs, looking away again, “Okay.”

“You know, if _you_ called him, he’d probably ans-” Ashton starts.

“I’m not going to call him,” Luke cuts him off.

“Why not?”

“I’m trying to be straight, remember?”

+

Calum is slouched in the seat of his car, staring aimlessly out of the window, when his phone rings. He debates even checking to see who it is, because if it’s Luke he’ll have to decide whether he should answer it or not, and if it’s not Luke he’ll only wish it was.

He finally gives in and looks at the screen, sees Ashton’s name. He answers right before his phone stops ringing, knowing very well that he probably sounds exhausted, “Hi.”

“Hey, Cal,” Ashton sounds relieved that he answered.

“Hi,” Calum says again. It’s obvious from Ashton’s relief that he knows. Calum supposes this is better; now he won’t have to say it himself.

“Where are you?” Ashton asks, his typical parenting instinct kicking in. Calum has always assumed that Ashton is the way he is because he had to step up at such a young age, once his dad fucked off. Having to be responsible and take care of his younger siblings, it only makes sense that he’d spend so much time worrying about his band mates.

“Not entirely sure right now,” Calum answers, looking at his surroundings, “I kind of just drove out of the city, and then I pulled over. There’s a lot of grass around me.”

“Have you slept at all?”

“Not really, no,” Calum admits, and he’s starting to feel it. But there was no way he could’ve fallen asleep last night, “I pulled over cause my eyes were doing this weird thing where water involuntarily falls out of them and I was having trouble seeing the road properly.”

“Look-” Ashton starts, at the same time as Calum asks, “Is Luke okay?”

“Okay?” Ashton sort of laughs, but he doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s funny, “Hardly. He’ll survive, but fuck. He needs you right now.”

“No he doesn’t,” Calum corrects him bitterly, “You know after he _called_ me to break up with me, he went out and brought home some bird to sleep with?”

“What?”

So Ashton wasn’t told the whole story, then.

“Yeah. I walked in on them, cause I hadn’t checked my messages yet,” Calum didn’t realize how painful it would be to repeat it, “He doesn’t _need_ me.”

“I’m sorry, Cal,” Ashton says quietly, “His dad-”

“Fuck his dad!” Calum bursts out, “What about me?”

“What’s your plan then?” Ashton asks after a moment of silence, clearly looking to change the subject, “Gonna go live on the countryside?”

Calum shakes his head, even though Ashton can’t see him, “I don’t know. I’m gonna come grab some clothes and stuff, but I need a few days, Ash. I can’t come back there right now, I’ll rent a hotel room or something, but I need space.”

“Luke needs you-”

“Luke needs to stop hurting the people he says he loves as an alternative to facing his problems.”

“He _does_ love you, Calum.”

“Sure he does,” Calum says sarcastically. He laughs without humor, “Hey, maybe I’ll develop a drinking problem. Or I could start experimenting with drugs, Luke Hemmings style.”

“I’m serious! He loves you. He just also loves his dad,” Ashton tries to explain, “I think it was fucking stupid as hell for him to do this, but I understand where he’s coming from.”

“I need a couple days, okay?” Calum reiterates.

“Please don’t develop a drinking problem,” Ashton sounds concerned.

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Unlike Luke, I keep my promises.”

“Calum-”

“Whatever, I’ll see you soon,” Calum interjects, “’m not really sure how long it’ll take me to get back to the city, but I’ll be back later today, I guess. Just to get some things.”

“Okay, drive safely.”

“Love you too, Daddy.”

Ashton probably doesn’t have the heart to argue with him.

+

Calum waits another twenty-something minutes after he stops talking to Ashton before he starts the drive back to the flat. He would’ve waited an hour, probably, except his phone battery is drained and he needs to map his way back to the flat because he has no fucking clue where he is.

His plan is to be in and out within five minutes. He’ll talk to Ashton, and Michael too if he happens to be awake (even though the chance of that is close to nothing). But he won’t talk to Luke. He knows well enough that if he talks to Luke he’ll just get angry, and really, Luke probably doesn’t want to talk to him anyway.

It takes him four hours to get back to the city, and he luckily figures out where exactly he is just around the time that his phone dies. He hadn’t realized that he’d driven so far, but he really hadn’t stopped driving since he left the flat a little before midnight. He’d only stopped at McDonalds around three in the morning because it was something to do.

He stops to fill up the car’s tank before he drives back to the flat. He doesn’t really think he’s ready, but he needs a change of clothes and his phone charger.

Once he gets to the flat, he spends fifteen minutes in the parking lot, working up the guts to go inside. Ashton is in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich when Calum walks in. He immediately stops what he’s doing and rushes over to Calum, pulling him into a hug before Calum can even take his shoes off.

Calum hugs him back, and it’s quiet and Calum can’t keep his thoughts from running even though he’d like to say _anything_ that doesn’t have to do with Luke. But the only thing he comes up with is, “Where, um, is he?”

“He’s in his room,” Ashton responds tentatively, “I told him he wasn’t allowed to go out without Michael or me and he got pissed off and left.”

“Did he know that I was coming?” Calum asks hesitantly. _Stupid_. _Why can’t he think of something else?_

“I didn’t really mention it…” Ashton trails off, looking concerned.

Calum wishes Luke had known, or, more accurately, had wanted to see him, but it’s probably for the better that he wasn’t alerted of Calum’s visit. (Knowing this doesn’t make it hurt any less.)

“I’ll just grab a few things and go,” Calum really wants to switch topics, “Is Mikey up?”

“No, we got home really late last night,” Ashton informs him, “You could probably get him up now though. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a policy against being woken up past noon.”

“Maybe I’ll give it a shot,” Calum shrugs, relieved that Ashton is letting him get away without talking about things, “Anyway, I’ll see you in a bit.”

Ashton nods and goes back to his half-made sandwich and Calum begins to head towards his bedroom. He pauses in the doorway, looking around the room. It looks sort of empty, he thinks, without Luke in it, but he quickly pushes the thought from his head as he grabs a few t-shirts from the drawer.

He nearly starts crying because he accidentally picks up one of Luke’s shirts, one that must’ve snuck its way into Calum’s clothing drawers at some point or another, but he doesn’t want to cry anymore. He tosses the shirt on the floor, wiping his eyes before any tears can spill over.

Maybe Calum was wrong coming back here so soon. Everything in his bedroom reminds him of Luke. His clothes and his sheets and his pillow- they all smell like Luke. And his brain starts flooding with the nights they spent together in Calum’s bed…

This is where Calum told Luke that he loved him.

This is where Luke lied and said it back.

And this type of thinking isn’t getting him anywhere. Calum grabs a few pairs of jeans, boxers, and socks, then shoves them with the t-shirts into his smallest duffle bag. He goes to the bathroom and grabs his toothbrush, remembering how one of the first things Luke did when he came down from his ecstasy high was brush his teeth. He remembers putting the toothpaste on the toothbrush for Luke, and how Luke’s hands were shaking, and how he looked so anxious but how he also looked at Calum so gratefully.

Shaking his head, Calum goes back to his bedroom, scolding himself for letting his mind continue to wander. He picks up his phone charger, which is sitting on the nightstand, right next to an empty condom wrapper that hadn’t quite made it to the trash.

“You don’t have to go, Calum,” Ashton says from the doorway, startling Calum from his reverie.

“Everything here reminds me of him,” Calum hates how pained he sounds.

“Everything everywhere will remind you of him,” Ashton says quietly.

Calum doesn’t respond to this, because he knows it’s true. He drops is phone charger in the duffle bag and zips it up, then turns to Ashton, “Should we go try and wake the dragon now?”

Ashton shoots him a small smile, “Sure.”

Calum throws his bag over his shoulder and leads the way through the hallway to Michael’s room. It’s directly across the hall from Luke’s, but Calum tries not to think about that. This plan altogether fails, though, because just as Calum and Ashton are approaching Michael’s room, Luke’s door is aggressively yanked open and a very worn out, mildly pissed off looking Luke appears.

“Ashton, just for the record, it’s not actually your _choice_ if I go out and have meaningless sex or not. In fact-”

Luke stops short, his eyes falling on Calum, obviously having expected Ashton to be alone.

And suddenly Calum blows up, because he’s so fucking angry, and it’s not fucking fair and it seems to him that Luke doesn’t even care at all-

“Already whoring around, then? God, Luke, it hasn’t even been twenty four hours.” Maybe he shouldn’t have said it (maybe he _definitely_ shouldn’t have said it), but his brain doesn’t seem to want to work with him right now.

“Calum-” Luke chokes out and Calum hates the twisted satisfaction that comes with the surprise and hurt that flashes across Luke’s face.

“I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised,” Calum adds, almost as if it’s an afterthought. (But it’s not; he thinks it through way too much for it to be an afterthought.)

Luke doesn’t say anything. He looks down at his feet, and Calum can feel the anger running through his body, “You can’t even look at me, can you?”

Luke glances up at Calum, and Calum doesn’t even know how to read his eyes. It’s like they’re foreign to him and he fucking hates it.

_Abort mission_.

“Fuck this, I’m leaving. I’ll just call Michael later. Bye Ash,” Calum needs to get out.

“Calum, wait,” Ashton protests, obviously torn over what to do.

“I’ll call you too,” Calum brushes him off, storming down the hallway, not looking back, even when he hears a loud crash that sounds sickeningly familiar to a fist being smashed into a wall.

He hears Ashton say, “Fucking Christ, Luke” and then he’s gone, slamming the front door loudly behind him. He doesn’t break down until he’s in the car.

+

The back of Luke’s hand already has a bruise forming on it, and his right knuckle is bleeding. He’s sitting on the floor, under a fairly impressive hole in the wall, his legs straight out in front of him, studying his hand like it’s fascinating and waiting for Ashton to come back with ice.

Michael’s bedroom door opens, revealing a sleepy and confused looking Michael with remarkable bedhead. He yawns, frowning down at Luke.

“I heard a loud bang and-” Michael stops, looking down at Luke’s bleeding hand, then at the hole above him, “Did you punch a hole in the wall?”

Luke nods.

Michael raises his eyebrows, “Why?”

“Long story,” Luke mutters.

Michael comes over and sits down next to Luke, “I’ve got time.”

“I broke up with Calum.”

Michael is silent for a moment, then, “Why the _fuck_ would you do that?”

“I have to be straight,” Luke says quietly, sounding less convinced than he’d meant to.

“Well that’s bullshit,” Michael snorts, “What makes you say that?”

Luke starts crying. Like, really crying. His vision becomes blurry because of the tears and he’s vaguely aware of Michael wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. A sob wracks through his body and he feels like he’s choking on air. He hates this, he fucking hates this and all he can think is that Michael’s arms don’t feel like Calum’s arms but he has to stop thinking that way, _he has to stop_.

Luke is soaking Michael’s shirt but Michael keeps holding him tightly, sort of rocking him back and forth like a child, and repeating over and over again, “It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay.”

At some point he feels an ice pack pressed against his knuckles, held there by a hand that isn’t Calum’s. Ashton starts stroking his back gently with his free hand. Luke doesn’t know how long he cries for, but by the time he stops, the ice isn’t as cold anymore and he feels so tired that he could probably sleep for a million years.

“Is it broken?” Ashton asks, drawing Luke back to the hallway.

“I don’t know,” Luke says unhelpfully. He pulls away from Michael to look down at his hand.

“Can you move it?” Michael asks.

Luke closes his fist, then opens it again. It hurts, but not more than seeing Calum did.

“Does that hurt?” Ashton gently takes Luke’s hand in his own, examining it.

Luke shrugs, “A little.”

“Well, just keep the ice on it for now,” Ashton decides, “If looks really bad later, we can go to the ER.”

Luke nods, looking down at his hand.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Michael suggests uncertainly.

“Don’t care,” Luke leans his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. He knows that if he were to open his eyes, Ashton and Michael would be giving each other the _look_ (the one they give each other when they’re worried about Luke, or unsure of how to react to him).

“Luke?”Michael asks apprehensively.

Luke opens his eyes. They’re both giving him the _other_ look (the one they give him to _let_ him know that they’re worried about him). Luke hates both of their looks, “Yeah, sure, let’s watch a movie.”

Michael smiles at him, and Ashton offers to go buy a giant tub of ice cream which means that Michael demands they order pizza. Luke knows they’re doing their best, knows they’re just trying to make him feel better.

But Luke doesn’t want pizza or ice cream or movies. Luke doesn’t want them to try and make him feel better because he deserves to feel this way. He’s the only one to blame for the aching in his chest. He wants to burn his heart and throw it away (maybe then it might hurt less).

+

Calum is sitting on a shitty bed in a shitty motel room, alone, save the bottle of bourbon in his left hand. He wonders briefly why he didn’t splurge on a fancy suite, but he supposes he’s still not used to having enough money to actually afford things. And besides, it’s fitting that it’s a shitty room, because he’s in a shitty mood and everything’s gone to complete shit in the past twenty four hours.

The problem is he doesn’t want to think. But he’s still thinking because he hasn’t drunk nearly enough, so maybe the real problem is that he doesn’t have enough alcohol in his system.

The problem also is Luke kept a part of him when he decided to kick Calum out of his life. Calum feels like he’s missing a limb, maybe his right arm. And how is anyone supposed to do anything without their right arm?

Calum takes another large gulp of bourbon. The shitty TV in the shitty hotel room is playing _How I Met Your Mother_ and now Calum wants to cry again because this is Luke’s favorite show and the universe must surely want to cause him pain.

So Calum drinks, because fuck it, that’s what you do when the universe wants to cause you pain. He tries and fails to stop thinking about Luke, too, but he fucking aches for Luke to be with him. He wants nothing more than for them to go back just a few weeks before when everything was perfect. He’d been so stupid to think that the universe would have Luke love him back, no strings attached. The universe doesn’t just give people good things without some sort of price. Calum should’ve known that he and Luke were a ticking time bomb.

The problem is Calum loves Luke.

(And he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do about that.)


	15. even though my dizzy head is numb, i swear my heart is never giving up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luke and calum will never stop loving each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you all for being so patient for this chapter, i know the last one had a terrible ending for waiting a whole week. BUT THIS CHAPTER HAS A HAPPY ENDING I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT WRITING A HORRIBLY HEART BREAKING CLIFFHANGER ENDING. i also am very emotional because there's only one more chapter and an epilogue after this?? i can't believe it's almost over, but it's been so much fun to write and the support from all of my readers has totally made it worth it. I LOVE YOU GUYS and i hope you enjoy. xoxoxo

Calum wakes up at noon, but he stays in bed until three. His head hurts from the now empty bottle of whisky that he drank the night before and he only gets out of bed because he doesn’t want to throw up on the motel carpet. After brushing his teeth twice to get rid of the vomit-flavored aftertaste in his mouth, he sinks back onto the bed, leaning against the headboard as he checks his phone.

He’s got one missed call from Michael, which he doesn’t overthink, but his heart jumps in his chest when he sees a missed call from Liz Hemmings. He unlocks his phone, checking his messages. The first one is Michael asking him to call back once he wakes up.

It takes Calum two minutes and forty three seconds to listen to the second one.

“Hi, Calum baby, I hope you’re doing well,” Luke’s mum says, perfectly oblivious, “I was just calling because I’ve been trying to get through to Luke for quite some time now and I still haven’t heard from him. I know things with his father haven’t been going very well and I just want to check in and make sure everything is okay… Call me back when you can. Love you!”

Calum takes a deep breath and fights the urge to cry. He finds himself hoping that Ashton and Michael are taking care of Luke and he suddenly hates himself for even thinking it. He shouldn’t care, _Luke doesn’t care_ , and he’s only making it harder for himself.

He deletes Liz’s message and goes to get dressed.

Even though it’s 3:27, Calum finds himself at a small bar just down the street from the motel he’s staying at, no less than ten minutes later.

He sits down at the end of the bar, ordering a drink and opening his messages again. It’s not like he listens to Luke’s voicemail (even though he does). It’s not like he’s listened to it almost every day this week (even though he has). Maybe he’s a masochist. Maybe he just wants to hear Luke’s voice.

Michael calls him again a short time later, and Calum picks up this time.

“Hey, I’m so glad you answered. How you holding up?” Michael asks immediately, his voice skipping slightly through the poor cell reception.

“Not gonna lie, I’m on my fourth vodka tonic,” Calum answers.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

“There’s a bar near the motel I’m staying at,” Calum excuses, “It opens at two.”

“It’s been almost a week, Calum,” Michael says, abruptly switching subjects, “Come back.”

“I can’t.” Calum desperately wishes he could convey to Michael how _badly_ he can’t.

“Look, you don’t have to _talk_ to Luke but-” Michael starts.

“I can’t,” Calum repeats, louder this time, more forceful.

“Well you’re going to have to see him at some point,” Michael sighs loudly, “We have a show at the O2 in two weeks, remember? And all of next week we’ve got interviews and rehearsals.”

“Shit, that all starts next week?” Calum chokes a bit on his drink, “I thought that was further away.”

“Just come home, Cal.”

Calum can practically see Michael pouting. He decides to give in a little bit. “Maybe, I guess.”

“ _Soon_ ,” Michael emphasizes.

“I need another drink,” Calum observes, not really intending the comment towards anyone in particular.

The bartender overhears him, though, and shoots him a wearied look, pointing to the glass in Calum’s hand, “You’ve still got have of that left.”

“Well I need more,” Calum retorts, “C’mon, mate. I’ve got the money.”

The bartender rolls his eyes and reaches under the bar to replenish the liquor in Calum’s glass.

“What was that?” Michael asks.

“Nothing, just talking to the bartend-,” Calum stops suddenly, a thought hitting him, “Oh _god_ , I’ve turned into one of those losers who gets drunk in the afternoon and sobs their life story to a bartender.”

“Maybe I should come get you,” Michael sounds a little concerned.

“No, I’ll be fine,” Calum insists, hoping he doesn’t sound too impaired.

“What if I want to come have a drink with you?” Michael challenges.

Calum scrunches up his face, even though Michael can’t see him, “You’re only saying that so I’ll tell you where I am.”

“Am not.”

“Yes you are.”

“Calum.”

“Michael.”

“Text me the address.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

+

Calum is resting his forehead against the bar surface, his eyes pressed shut, when he feels a hand on his back.

“Hey,” Michael says as he sits down on the barstool next to Calum.

Calum turns his head so that his ear is pressed to cold wood instead and he’s looking at Michael, “Hi.”

“Wanna get out of here?” Michael asks.

“I thought you were coming to have a drink with me,” Calum jokes half-heartedly.

“Well, one of us has to be responsible,” Michael points out fairly.

“I’m a high-functioning alcoholic,” Calum grumbles.

Michael sighs, “I thought you promised Ashton you weren’t going to develop a drinking problem.”

“I may have promised that,” Calum says. He sits up and tilts his head back, throwing the rest of his drink down.

Michael looks at him seriously, “Drinking is not going to make things better.”

“It might.”

“We’re leaving,” Michael decides.

“ _You_ haven’t had a drink yet though,” Calum protests, lightly smacking Michael’s arm.

“Hey, mate, could we get the bill?” Michael asks the bartender.

The bartender rolls his eyes again and goes over to the cash register. He returns a moment later.

“Jesus Christ, Cal,” Michael mutters.

“Shhh,” Calum puts his finger obnoxiously against Michael’s lips.

Michael reaches into his pocket, pulling out his card and sliding it, along with the bill, to the bartender.

“No-no-no, I’ll _paaayy_ ,” Calum insists, fumbling through his jacket pockets for his wallet.

“Shove it. I’m covering you,” Michael shuts him down.

“ _Whyyy_ ,” Calum complains.

“You don't have your wallet on you right now,” Michael says.

Calum finds his jacket pockets empty, then looks down at his jean pockets and realizes that Michael is, in fact, right, “Fuck. How did you know that? Oh my god, you’re _psychic_.”

Michael laughs, “Yeah, that’s it. And you’re drunk.” He finishes paying and soon Calum is trying not to stumble alongside him on the sidewalk, as they walk the short distance back to the motel. Luckily, Michael’s visited Calum previously this week, so he knows where to go, because Calum isn’t sure he’d be able to find his way back right now.

They reach Calum’s room and Calum pulls out his room key, trying to slide it into the slot on the door until Michael gets too impatient and does it for him. As soon as they’re inside, Calum kicks off his shoes and flops down on the bed. Michael watches him with an unreadable expression on his face, but Calum isn’t sober enough to care.

His brain is clouding up with thoughts of Luke again and he tries to think of a way to ask about him without sounding too pathetic.

“What are Ashton and Luke up to?” Calum settles on, figuring throwing Ashton into the mix could make it seem more casual.

“Well. Ashton was gonna come but…” Michael trails off, looking around the room uncomfortably.

“What?” Calum shoots him a look.

“He didn’t want to leave Luke alone,” Michael murmurs, “Doesn’t really… trust him to be by himself.”

“He’s not okay, is he?” Calum asks, after a beat of silence.

Michael shakes his head, “He needs help, Cal. This shit with his dad is fucking him up.”

“I _tried_ to help him,” Calum says defensively, “He won’t _let_ anyone help him.”

“He needs help with that too,” Michael sighs, “I’m just saying… this isn’t- this isn’t about _you_. This is his own shit. He still _loves_ you; I have no fucking doubt.”

Calum makes a disagreeing noise, “This isn’t how you treat the people you love.”

“He fucking loves you,” Michael repeats stubbornly, “I know he’s not handling this well, Cal, I’m not trying to make excuses. He just needs to sort his shit out before he can focus on other things.”

“I just wish he wanted me to stick around while he did that,” Calum mumbles.

“Maybe you could try talking to him…?” Michael suggests hesitantly.

Calum laughs bitterly, “Right. ‘Cause I haven’t tried that already.”

“Maybe we could do an intervention,” Michael tries again, “Like the three of us could sit him down and make him talk.”

Calum can already picture how horribly that would go. “Michael, I love you, but I don’t want to deal with this right now. I just want to get wasted and watch _NCIS_ reruns and cry.”

Michael lies down on the bed next to Calum and pulls him into a sort of lying down hug, “I know. I just think you guys have to talk about things at some point. You and Luke make up half the band and you don’t have to go back to what you were but you can’t just ignore and avoid each other. We’re going on tour soon. You’re going to have to live with him _on a tour bus_ for eight months.”

“I kind of always thought we’d be cramming into one bunk so we could sleep together,” Calum mumbles, hugging Michael back half-heartedly.

“I’m sorry, Cal,” Michael says, at a loss on how to comfort his friend.

“I hate everything,” Calum announces. Michael just squeezes Calum closer to himself.

“I know.”

+

“Want me to make spaghetti?” Ashton offers.

Luke makes an incoherent noise. He’s bundled under his down comforter (which, Luke would like to note, isn’t comforting him in the slightest) and his face is buried in his pillow (one that doesn’t smell like Calum).

“What?”

Luke lifts his head up so that Ashton can hear him, “If you want to. I guess. I don’t really care.”

Ashton studies Luke for a moment, then sits down on the bed next to him, sighing loudly, “We need to talk.”

“That’s what people say when they’re about to break up with you,” Luke comments.

“Look,” Ashton ignores Luke’s remark, “We’re performing at the O2 in two weeks.”

“We are?” Luke is caught off guard. It had completely slipped his mind, “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“So,” Ashton continues, “you need to fix this. Because if you and Calum aren’t talking and we have to perform a set in a giant ass arena in front of thousands of people… It’s probably not going to go over very well.”

“How am I supposed to fix this?” Luke mumbles.

“Tell Calum that you’re really sorry,” Ashton states, like it’s as simple as that, “And that you’re still crazy in love with him.”

“I can’t be crazy in love with him, I-”

“Luke,” Ashton says seriously, “You have to _stop_ thinking that. You’re allowed to love whoever you want. You’re allowed to _be_ _with_ whoever you want. Your dad is an important person in your life but there has to come a point when you stop thinking about everybody else’s happiness and start thinking about your own. And I know for a fact that Calum makes you happy.”

“I fucked up, Ash,” Luke whispers.

“You can still fix it,” Ashton places a hand on Luke’s back, gently rubbing small circles.

“I miss him so much,” Luke says.

“I know.”

+

Monday morning Calum wakes up to a loud banging and he groans loudly.

“Come in!” he calls.

“I don’t have a room key, asshole!” Michael calls back.

Somehow, Calum manages to get out of bed and make it to the door.

“You look like shit,” Michael greets him.

“Thanks,” Calum laughs, “Not looking too shabby yourself.”

“What? That doesn’t make any fucking sense,” Michael raises his eyebrows, “Are you high?”

“No, no,” Calum rubs his eyes, “Sorry. I’m tired, it’s early. My head feels like it was hit by truck.”

“We have an interview in four hours,” Michael informs him.

“I know,” Calum says, “My plan was to sleep until the last possible moment.”

“I brought Advil,” Michael says, holding up a small pill container, and a water bottle, “And water. Your sunglasses are back at flat, I forgot them, sorry, but it’s not very sunny today, anyway.”

“Are you an angel?” Calum asks.

“Possibly,” Michael hands Calum the supplies, “Drink up.”

+

They’re standing outside the studio for the interview. And Calum is looking at the entrance like it’s the gateway to the pits of hell.

He takes a deep breath, “I don’t know if I can do this, Michael.”

Michael claps him on the shoulder, “You can do this.”

“I don’t think I can,” Calum shakes his head, “Can you just say I wasn’t feeling well?”

“You can’t avoid him forever,” Michael points out, “You’re in a _band_ with him.”

“I’ll quit the band.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Fine, I’m not going to quit the band,” Calum huffs.

“You can do this,” Michael repeats.

“I haven’t seen him since I accused him of whoring around,” Calum mumbles.

“Is _that_ why he punched a hole in the wall?” Michael wonders aloud.

“He punched a _hole_ in the wall?” Calum snaps his head to look at Michael.

“Right,” Michael rubs the back of his neck, “We never got around to mentioning that, did we?”

“I can’t do this,” Calum is about four seconds away from hyperventilating, “I can’t do this. We have to go. I can’t do this.”

“You’re doing this,” Michael says, “You’re going to walk inside with me. Luke and Ashton are already inside and so is the interviewer and soon, we’re going to be inside too.”

“You’re talking to me like a child.”

“You’re _acting_ like a child. Luke is a seventeen year old boy who has a weird obsession with penguins. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Michael squeezes his shoulder.

“Michael,” Calum says, “You’re not helping.”

“I’m _just_ saying-”

“I might throw up.”

“You’re not going to throw up.”

“I might.”

“We’re going inside.”

“Can we just wait like five more minutes?”

“Calum.”

“Michael.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

+

“I need a drink,” Luke says somberly.

He’s standing next to Ashton while they wait for Michael and Calum to show up. They’ve already had their hair and makeup done, and Luke is the most dressed up he’s been in a while. His hair is poofy and his face is masked in a layer of cover up. He fights the urge not to mess with his hair because the hair lady told him not to, but he’s fidgeting and he’s becoming increasingly anxious.

“You do not need a drink,” Ashton wraps an arm around Luke’s shoulders, “You’re going to be fine.”

“The last time I saw him I punched a hole in the wall,” Luke reflects, “How the fuck am I going to be fine?”

“You’re in a better place now,” Ashton says bracingly.

“No I’m not,” Luke shoots him a look just as Michael and Calum enter the building, “Kill me. Seriously. Please kill me. I’m begging you. I’ll pay you. You can have my entire life savings if you kill me right-”

“Hey guys,” Michael says cheerfully, “You ready?”

“Yeah, you two just need to go get your hair done and shit,” Ashton shrugs, “The interview starts in fifteen minutes.”

Calum keeps his focus on Michael and Ashton’s conversation, but his eyes keep flitting to Luke. Luke sees Calum looking at him out of the corner of his eye, but he can’t bring himself to look over. He really does need a drink.

Somehow, Luke makes it through the next five minutes until Calum and Michael are called to get ready. He actually thinks he might be able to make it through the interview until he ends up sitting right next to Calum. Calum’s knee accidentally bumps against Luke’s and Luke really thinks he might throw up. He jerks his knee away and doesn’t look at Calum and he doesn’t think he actually breathes until the interviewer walks in.

“Hello lads!” the interviewer sort of reminds Luke of his mum. She’s in her forties, probably, and she’s got the whole mother vibe going on and Luke feels a pang of guilt because he hasn’t called his own mum in far too long, “My name is Linda.”

The four of them stand up to shake her hand, saying “hello” and introducing themselves.

“Well it’s wonderful to meet you, you’re all lovely,” Linda smiles kindly at them, “So! I think the first thing we should get to is your album! Tell me about that!”

“Well, we’ve been working on it for about two years now,” Ashton says happily, “It’s been quite the process, but we’re all really proud of it.”

“Yeah, we’ve just got a few more finishing touches, we might lay a couple more tracks down,” Michael informs her, “For a deluxe album, you know?”

“That’s great!”

“Yeah, and I think we’ve really stayed true to our sound,” Ashton adds, “But we’ve also matured, I think, as artists, so it’s definitely something new.”

“And can we get an idea of when it’ll be released?” Linda questions.

“We’re thinking sometime in June,” Michael answers, “So there’s still a few more months to wait, but we want to be really solid with it, you know? Make sure it’s exactly how we want it to be.”

“Oh!” Ashton chirps, “We also have special tracks for different versions! Like for example, the U.S. album has a different track than the U.K. version, and the U.K. version has a different track than the Aussie one.”

“I just love how much you’ve dedicated to this,” Linda gushes, “I’m sure your fans really appreciate it.”

“We do it all for the fans, really,” Ashton smiles, “Like, we really wouldn’t be where we are right now without them.”

“Their support means everything to us,” Michael agrees.

“Any comments from our two shy members, here?” Linda jokes, looking over at Luke and Calum.

Luke forces a smile onto his face and tries not to think about Calum, “Sorry. Yeah I’m super pumped. I’ve wanted this, really, since I was like, ten.”

“A dream come true,” Linda says.

“It really is,” Luke relaxes a little bit. He can do this, and he really _is_ excited, “If I didn’t have this band, I’d be working at a fucking Burger King or something.”

“No you wouldn’t, Lukey,” Michael ruffles Luke’s hair, despite Luke’s protests, then he turns to Linda, “Luke here was the smart one of us and he actually stayed in school. He would’ve become a renowned accountant.”

“Every little boy’s dream,” Luke says sarcastically. Almost everyone laughs (Calum is looking down at his shoes).

“And you Calum?” Linda smiles at him kindly, “You’ve wanted this for a while too, yeah?”

Calum clears his throat, “Yeah, yeah. It’s actually really incredible and surreal, it still hasn’t hit me yet, I don’t think. Like sometimes I wake up and thinking I’ve got to go to uni or some shit.” Calum laughs a little bit, “It’s quite awful, actually. But then I remember how lucky I am and… I can’t even put into words. It’s an amazing feeling.”

“Aw, our Cal has gotten all wise,” Michael says, reaching across Luke and patting Calum on the shoulder, “He’s grown up so much.”

Calum laughs, “Piss off.”

“Well,” Linda makes an attempt to bring the conversation back on topic, “We’re all very excited for the album. And to wrap it up we’ve got a few fan questions!”

“ _Fan_ tastic,” Ashton says cheerfully, laughing at his own joke.

Michael groans, “Oh god, that was terrible.”

“That was kind of funny,” Ashton protests, he looks at Linda, pouting, “Nobody in this band appreciates my humor.”

“Poor Ashton,” Linda laughs as she looks over a sheet of paper in her hand, “If you could change into any animal in the world, what would it be?”

Michael gasps, “Oh my god, that’s an excellent question.”

“I would be a platypus,” Calum says, not bothering to expand on his reasons.

“I would be a lion,” Ashton says.

“’s got the golden locks, that majestic mane,” Michael twirls one of Ashton’s curls around his finger.

“Thank you, Michael,” Ashton rolls his eyes, slapping Michael’s hand away.

“Well, I would be a rabbit,” Michael says as he rubs his hand where Ashton slapped it.

Ashton shoots him a confused look, “Why the hell would you be a rabbit?”

“I’m only joking,” Michael shakes his head, thinking, “You know what? I would be a bald eagle. And Luke would be a penguin.”

“I wouldn’t be a penguin,” Luke chimes in, “I’d be a _golden_ eagle.”

“Shut the fuck up, Luke,” Michael mutters.

Calum snorts, “Be nice, Michael.”

“Aw, defending your Lukey,” Michael shoots back.

It takes him about three seconds to realize what he’s said and he instantly looks like he regrets it. There’s a moment of silence, and Calum coughs uncomfortably. Luke looks down at his feet.

“Right, next question?” Ashton suggests.

“Yes, of course!” Linda looks confused, but she doesn’t ask, “So, the next question… if you were to date anyone in the band, who would it be?”

Luke is quite positive his heart stops beating.

Just for a second or two.

“Michael. I’d date Michael,” Ashton chuckles awkwardly, glancing at Calum and Luke with a nervous expression on his face.

“I’d date you too, Ashton,” Michael blows him a kiss, “Also, I’d like to point out that the last time this question was asked, Ashton accused me of being a terrible boyfriend. Couples therapy, my friends. It’s a miracle.”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Ashton giggles, “You’re literally so stupid.”

“You _looove_ me,” Michael wiggles his eyebrows at Ashton.

“I’d date Luke,” Calum says suddenly.

Luke wants to disappear into his chair.

“Would you?” Linda asks ignorantly.

Luke looks at Calum angrily, but Calum has a challenging expression set on his face and he’s not backing down, “Yeah, I would.”

Luke looks away first, clearing his throat, “Next question?” He silently prays that Linda doesn’t push the previous question on him.

“If you could tour with any three bands, what would they be?” Linda asks.

“Blink, Green Day, and All Time Low,” Luke answers immediately, “Easy.”

“Yeah, I think we’d all pick that,” Ashton jumps on Luke’s answer, quick to keep the conversation going, “We’ve always really connected over music. Obviously.” He laughs easily.

“Well, it was lovely to talk to you all today,” Linda says, “I really appreciate you coming out here. You’re great guys and I can’t wait to listen to your album.”

They all say “goodbye”, and then the cameraman indicates that they’re no longer on film. Linda disappears somewhere and Michael beelines it to the bathroom saying something about having to pee the entire interview. Luke immediately gets up, nearly tripping over Calum as he tries to get past him. He regains his balance and is about to storm off, but instead he whips around, glaring at Calum.

“You are _such_ an asshole, you know that?”

“ _I’m_ an asshole?” Calum laughs at him, “That’s fucking rich Luke, really.”

“Why would you say that?” Luke demands.

Calum looks at him innocently, “Say what?”

“That you’d date me,” Luke hisses.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Calum says sarcastically, “Can you really not think of a reason why? I guess I could list a few if you wanted me to.”

Luke shakes his head, “Fuck you, Calum.”

“Isn’t that a little too _gay_ for you?” Calum snaps.

“Guys stop it,” Ashton intervenes, “ _Seriously_.”

Calum gets up and shoves past Luke, muttering “Whatever” as he passes.

Luke looks at Ashton, his bottom lip trembling.

“Luke…” Ashton reaches out to him but Luke shakes his head.

He bites his lip, nearly drawing blood, and forces himself to look at Ashton, “It’s okay. Let’s go grab some lunch, yeah?”

Ashton squeezes Luke’s shoulder, “Yeah, let’s go. Lemme just give Mikey a heads up.”

“Invite them if you want,” Luke shrugs. He’s not going to care, _he’s not going to care_.

“Are you sure?” Ashton raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah, ‘s fine,” Luke hopes he sounds as casual as he’s intending to.

Luke follows Ashton over to where Michael is now talking to Calum, who’s staring off at some point on the wall with a brooding expression on his face, probably not hearing a word out of Michael’s mouth.

“Luke and I are gonna get some food, wanna come?” Ashton tells the two of them.

“I’ll pass,” Calum says immediately, “There’s a barstool somewhere with my name on it.”

“You’re coming,” Michael overrides him, then turns back to Ashton, “Where were you thinking?”

“There’s a good burger place sort of close-ish to here, just like a ten-minute drive I think,” Luke suggests.

“I’m really not hungry,” Calum insists.

“Oh well,” Michael pinches his cheek.

“Stop,” Calum whines, “I don’t want to go.”

“ _Oh well_ ,” Michael says again, “We’ll tie you up if we have to.”

“He doesn’t have to go,” Luke mutters, really not wanting to pressure Calum into being around him when he clearly wants the opposite.

“See?” Calum crosses his arms, “Luke says I don’t have to go.”

Ashton looks over at Michael, “At least they’re agreeing about something.”

Michael smirks, “Maybe we should lock them in a room together and-”

“Michael,” Calum interrupts.

“Just come eat with us,” Michael pouts.

“I hate you,” Calum mumbles, glaring at the floor.

“Hardly,” Michael sticks his tongue out, “Now let’s go. I’m starving.”

+

They take one car, leaving the other one at the studio to stop by and pick up later. Luke sits in the front seat with Michael, who’s driving, and he doesn’t mean to, but he keeps looking back at Calum. He can’t help it; his subconscious is clearly trying to fuck with him. At first, it doesn’t really matter because Calum is grumpily staring out the window ninety seven percent of the time Luke looks back at him. There are a few times, though, when his gaze is on Luke, and their eyes meet just for a few seconds before Luke whips his head around, a flush creeping onto his face. After the third time it happens, Luke doesn’t let himself turn around anymore.

It’s the longest ten minutes of his life.

Michael parks the car in an empty space right in front of the restaurant. They’re seated less than five minutes later; the place is pretty empty and Luke feels a bit bad for the owner. He’s also glad though, because he doesn’t want to have to meet fans and act like he’s in a good mood right now.

“Welcome to Dave’s Burgers, my name is Quinton and I’ll be serving you today,” the waiter, a guy who looks to be in his mid-twenties, with dark blue hair smiles amiably at them, “Can I start you off with some drinks?”

They order various carbonated beverages and Ashton starts talking about how excited he is for everything coming up. They’ll be going on One Direction’s stadium tour soon, it’s less than a month away now. And they’ve got a crazy schedule planned, too, for when their album releases, but there are too many details for Luke to keep track of for now, so he focuses mainly on Ashton’s excitement.

The conversation continues on, only interrupted briefly so that they can order food. Luke and Calum don’t exactly speak to each other, but they both participate in the conversation with Michael and Ashton.

Luke succeeds in fighting the urge to look at Calum seventy percent of the time. The other thirty percent makes him wish he’d tried harder.

Once they’re done with their food and are lounging at the table, still talking, Luke goes to the bathroom. When he gets out, he can hear Calum and Ashton arguing with each other from across the room. He hesitates before making his way over back to the rest of his band, hidden from the view of the table.

“I’m not coming back, right now,” Calum is saying defensively, “God, I could barely manage being around him for the interview, let alone this fucking lunch. You think I can live in the same house with him, now too?”

“You can’t just live in that motel room until we go on tour,” Ashton objects.

“Watch me,” Calum crosses his arms, leaning back and glaring at Ashton, “You know, you could at least try to be a _little_ understanding.”

“I _do_ understand,” Ashton says meaningfully, “I just don’t think this is going to solve anything.”

“How am I supposed to solve things, then?” Calum demands, “Huh? Luke doesn’t fucking love me anymore. Maybe he never even did.” Calum lowers his voice so that Luke has to strain his ears to hear him, “There’s no way to solve that.”

“Just come back, Calum,” Ashton pleads.

Luke takes this as his opportunity to make an appearance. He sits down at the table, pretending he hasn’t heard anything, “Hey, what’d I miss?”

“Nothing important, I was just leaving,” Calum says airily. He stands up, throwing more than his fair share of euros down on the table, “That should cover it, yeah?”

Michael sighs loudly, “You don’t have a car, Calum.”

“I’ll walk,” Calum says.

“Just wait a bit longer, we just have to pay and then we can leave,” Ashton proposes.

Calum hesitates before sitting back down, “Fine.”

+

The rest of the week and the one after that go by relatively uneventfully, much to Luke’s relief. Calum _does_ come back to the flat, but he stays holed up in his room writing horribly depressing love songs that can be heard through the thin walls of the flat and the only time Luke really sees him is when he comes out of his room to get food and at the interviews themselves.

The second week they have an interview every day, except for Wednesday, but there aren’t any other questions about potentially dating band members. The interviewers are actually interested in their music careers, instead of whether they’re dating anyone or what brand of underwear they’re wearing and the four of them are happy to answer all music related questions.

They’ve got rehearsals for the O2 on Thursday, the show is on Friday. Luke already has pre-show nerves, as usual, even though it’s only rehearsals, but he’s added into the equation the fact that Calum isn’t going to be calming him down during the actual show by making funny faces at him from across the stage or completely invading Luke’s personal space and sharing his microphone.

Calum won’t be there to make things okay.

+

It’s Friday and Calum is starting to feel better about things. He hasn’t had a drink since Wednesday, and rehearsals the day before went really well. Even being around Luke is becoming bearable (it’s really not, but Calum likes to try and convince himself that it is).

So everything is going really good (sort of), when Calum finds himself alone in the dressing room with Luke. Ashton had been laughing with Michael about something and it had been loud and fun and then they’d gone to get something ( _God_ knows what, Calum thinks) and suddenly it’s quiet. Both Calum and Luke sort of freeze upon the realization.

Luke bites his lip, eyes fluttering over Calum’s face, then back to the ground, a torn expression on his own face. And Calum’s been so fucking angry at Luke lately, but with one stupid distraught look from Luke all the anger dissolves and his heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.

He doesn’t know what to say, but he can’t seem to make himself look away from the boy in front of him.

Luke is the first to speak, looking at Calum through eyelashes and blue eyes, “I’m sorry.”

Calum is caught off guard. That _really_ hadn’t been what he’d expecting. Somehow he manages to choke out, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not really,” Luke looks back down at his toes, “You didn’t deserve any of the shit I put you through. And I don’t really know what I want right now, but I _do_ know that-”

“It’s okay,” Calum says again, desperately wishing for Luke to stop before he says it. _I do know that I don’t love you. That I don’t want to be with you. That I don’t want to do this right now_. Calum isn’t sure how exactly Luke was planning on wording it, but he doesn’t think he can manage hearing it no matter what form it comes in. “I understand. And I’m okay with just being friends right now.”

For some reason, Luke doesn’t look relieved, like Calum would’ve expected him to.

“Right. Yeah,” Luke mumbles.

Calum almost double checks, just to make sure that that _is_ what Luke wants, but he _can’t_ hear him say it, “Okay. Cool.”

Luke looks like he’s about to cry and Calum frowns, automatically moving closer to him, reaching out, in attempts to comfort him. Luke flinches away from him and Calum tries to ignore the way it hurts.

Calum draws his hand back, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Luke looks away, “Yeah, cool.”

Calum sort of wants to cry too.

+

The show doesn’t go over too poorly, in the grand scheme of things. There’s an obvious disconnect between Luke and Calum, and Calum sort of hopes that nobody will notice but he’s pretty sure that everyone has. Luke fumbles around at the beginning, his voice shaky because he’s Luke and he’s nervous and Calum has to force himself to stay where he is because Luke doesn’t _want_ him to go over and remind him to breathe but, somehow, they manage to make it through the show without falling apart.

Calum doesn’t bother going on Twitter after the show, other than to tweet his appreciation for everyone who came. He doesn’t want to see what people are saying, because he knows they’ll be saying things he doesn’t want to see.

They’re back at the flat now, sitting in a circle on the kitchen floor. It’s getting late, and they’re all properly fucked.

“My toes are vibrating,” Luke giggles, burying his face in his hands.

Ashton laughs loudly, “No they’re not.”

“Seriously!” Luke exclaims, “They are! I’m being serious!”

“Are you being seriously serious, Luke?” Michael scoffs.

Luke makes a face, “Hate you.”

“You could never,” Michael sticks his tongue out at Luke, “Hey Cal, pass me the vodka?”

Calum looks down at the empty bottle in his hand and starts laughing, “I finished it.”

“You’re _such_ an asshole,” Ashton whines.

Calum shrugs because he’s too pissed to care and he’s finally starting to numb out the pain from his earlier conversation with Luke. Ashton pouts and Michael starts to fake sob. Luke hasn’t looked at Calum all night. Earlier they’d been alone together for three minutes, but it had been so uncomfortable that Calum had gotten up and left.

They fuck around for another hour or so, talking about how awesome it was to perform again (even though Calum had been too stuck in his head to really enjoy it the way he should’ve), until Michael falls asleep on the floor, drooling slightly and the three of them struggle to carry him to bed. It’s quite a process.

Ashton decides to go to bed after that and really, there’s no way in fucking hell that Calum is staying awake with Luke so he says goodnight as well, awkwardly shuffling around Luke in the hallway and then slipping into his bedroom.

After an hour of searching for sleep, he gives up and trudges to the kitchen for a glass of water. He’s still fairly drunk, and he knows he’s going to have a hangover in the morning. He’s just reaching up for a glass for water when he hears footsteps. (He hates himself for knowing that it’s Luke before he even turns around.)

Luke stops when he sees Calum, “Oh.”

“Just getting a glass of water,” Calum manages to say.

“Right. Yeah. Me too,” Luke stutters. He hesitantly approaches the cabinet behind Calum, waiting for Calum to move out of the way.

But Calum is frozen. His legs have stopped working. Luke is wearing a loose white t-shirt that displays his collarbones and he’s got his stupid fucking grey boxer briefs on with the black waist band and Calum remembers rushed hand jobs in the bathroom stall of some stupid fucking club a month and a half ago, making Luke come in his pants (and Luke had acted so annoyed about that, but they’d gone home and he’d ridden Calum until Calum had seen stars).

So Calum is frozen, and he’s drunk, and maybe Luke is the reason he’s been drowning lately but right now it feels like he needs Luke to stay above the surface.

“Cal, could you-”

Calum cuts him off, crashing their lips together, cupping Luke’s face as he does so. Luke makes a startled noise, but he immediately snakes his arms around Calum’s waist and all Calum can think is _LukeLukeLuke_ and _this feels right, this is right_.

He hungrily chases Luke’s mouth, feels like he’s been starving for a month and Luke is the solution. He _needs_ Luke, more than he needs food or water or air.

Luke moans into Calum’s mouth, and he can’t seem to take his hands off Calum's body. He slips his hands under Calum’s shirt and drags his nails down Calum’s back, slides his fingers over the smooth skin on Calum’s torso. Luke can’t stop touching him; his hands never stay in one place for too long, like Luke can’t even decide where he wants to touch first because he hasn’t touched Calum in so long.

Calum lifts Luke up and sets him on the kitchen counter, spreading his thighs apart so that Calum can fit his hips in between them. Luke wraps his long legs around Calum’s waist, and Calum rolls his hips against Luke, evoking a wrecked groan from the younger boy.

Calum moves his lips off of Luke’s, sliding them down his jawline, sucking on the sweet spot behind his ear, then mouthing down his neck and attacking the skin around his collarbones. Luke pulls at Calum’s hair, the way he knows Calum likes, as he tilts his head back to give Calum better access.

“Bed,” Luke mumbles, after a moment, “Please.”

Calum doesn’t have to give it a second thought. He nods and presses another kiss to Luke’s mouth, then pulls Luke off the counter and they stumble to Luke’s bedroom.

Calum presses him up against the door once it’s shut, rutting against Luke. He slips his hand down the back of Luke’s underwear, squeezing Luke’s ass roughly and teasing Luke’s hole.

Luke whines against Calum’s neck, where he’s busy sucking a dark bruise. His lips are wet and hot and Calum wants them on his entire body.

They somehow manage to get to the bed, discarding all clothing but underwear on the way, Calum tripping and falling on top of Luke. He fumbles around for the lube, and wastes no time slicking his fingers up once he finds it. Luke has slid his boxer briefs off, now lost to the floor like the rest of their clothes. His cock is flushed red and leaking pre-come onto his stomach. Calum doesn’t think he’s going to be able to last for very long as he gets rid of his own underwear.

He slips a finger inside Luke, only stretching him out for a short time before adding a second finger. Luke whines, his face scrunched up in discomfort and Calum stops moving, confused.

“I haven’t, um,” Luke mumbles, his face turning red, “Not since… you left.”

Calum goes more slowly after that, even though he’s practically dying to be inside Luke. He wants him so badly, like Luke’s a drug and he’s relapsing but he doesn’t fucking care. He works Luke on his fingers, until Luke looks properly fucked out.

“Calum-” Luke moans, “I need you. Please.”

Calum groans softly. Some part of him knows that Luke doesn’t mean it like _that_. He’s drunk and turned on and this is just another thing people say when they want to get fucked (but he wants _so badly_ for Luke to mean it like _that_.)

“Hang on,” he mutters, rolling a condom onto his cock and lathering it in lube.

Luke looks up at him as he does it, his eyes filled with lust (and it’s not like Calum wishes they were filled with love).

“Turn over,” Calum says suddenly. He doesn’t think he can handle seeing the lack of love on Luke’s face.

“What?”

“Turn over,” Calum repeats.

Luke rolls onto his forearms and knees, letting his head hang down. His breath catches as Calum grips his hips, fingernails digging into Luke’s hipbones. He pushes into Luke, waiting for him to adjust until Luke wriggles his hips, searching for friction. Calum takes that as the incentive he needs and starts thrusting roughly into Luke.

Luke lets out a low moan and as Calum continues fucking into him, he starts mumbling Calum’s name into the sheets.

Calum changes his angle just slightly and knows he hits Luke’s prostate because Luke’s knees nearly give out and Calum has to hold his hips up. Luke moans so loudly that Calum is sure Ashton and Michael will hear them.

They’re both sweaty, panting heavily, and they’re both _so close_. Calum reaches down to grip Luke’s cock and jerk him off, doing his best to keep the same angle.

Luke comes with a loud cry, clenching tightly around Calum’s cock as he does so and Calum couldn’t have stopped himself from coming if he’d tried. He continues thrusting into Luke sloppily, riding through his orgasm, then pulls out of Luke and discards the condom.

When Calum gets back to the bed, Luke’s rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. Calum sits back down, his back to Luke, resting his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his hands as he tries to catch his breath.

Calum turns to look at Luke, only to find Luke already watching him intently.

“I should, um, probably go,” Calum says quietly. The bubble has popped now, and Calum doesn’t know what to do or say.

Luke doesn’t say anything at first, so Calum starts to get up, but then he hears Luke whisper, “Don’t.”

Calum pauses.

“Don’t go,” Luke says again and Calum’s chest aches, “Stay.”

“Okay,” Calum lies down next to Luke. They’re close, but not touching. After a moment he feels Luke move slightly, and seconds later Luke is lacing their fingers together.

“Promise you’ll stay,” Luke whispers.

Calum squeezes Luke’s hand gently, “Okay.”

They fall asleep with only their hands touching. Calum can feel Luke’s pulse where their wrists are overlapping. He falls asleep feeling the rhythm of Luke’s heart.

+

When Calum wakes up, his head is pounding and he’s disoriented because there’s a back pressed against his chest and he’s not in his own bed. It all comes back to him at once and he’s not sure how but at some point during the night the two of them curled against each other like spoons.

Calum suddenly feels dizzy, even though he’s lying down. He pulls away from Luke, searching for the clock. It’s almost seven. Calum isn’t sure if he wants to throw up because of his hangover or because of last night. Probably both.

He locates his clothes and is just about to slip out the door when Luke says, “You promised you’d stay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Calum.” The way Luke says his name feels like a punch in the gut.

He doesn’t stay long enough for Luke to say anything else.

He finds his way to the shower and turns the water up until it’s scalding hot and burning his skin. His hands are shaking a little bit, but he brushes it off as a combination of his hangover and a lack of food and sleep.

He scrubs his skin until its raw and red but he can’t wash Luke’s touch off of him. He’s confused and he’s sad and he’s not really fucking sure what he’s doing.

He still loves Luke. There’s not a single part of him that questions that. But something’s shifted between them and he’s not sure if they’ll be able to go back to what they were. He doesn’t want to start over, exactly, but he doesn’t know where he’s supposed to go from here.

Fighting the urge to get shitfaced at seven thirty in the morning, Calum settles in his own bed, hoping to catch a few more hours of sleep. His bed feels cold and empty without Luke in it, but he eventually manages to drift off. He wakes up three hours later, hot and groggy and not well rested at all.

He stumbles to the kitchen in search of coffee and finds Ashton and Michael instead.

“Good morning,” Calum says, venturing over to the kitchen counter, “’m gonna make coffee, you guys want some?”

“We just made some, actually,” Ashton answers, holding up a mug, “There should be enough for another cup or two left in the pot.”

“Mmm, thank you,” Calum says gratefully as he grabs a coffee mug for himself and fills it with steaming black liquid. He fetches milk from the fridge and pours the right amount in, then joins Michael and Ashton at the table.

“Hi,” he says as he sits down.

“Hi,” Michael smiles, even though he flinches at the noise Calum’s chair makes when he pulls it out to sit down.

“Morning,” Ashton greets, taking a sip of his own coffee.

Michael looks at him for a moment, his head tilted slightly to the side in thought, “Are you okay?”

“What?” Calum clears his throat, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Something’s off,” Ashton narrows his eyes, “What happened?”

“We had sex last night,” Calum mumbles, not bothering to try and keep it a secret.

“What?” Ashton’s eyebrows shoot to his hairline.

“I was getting water and he came into the kitchen in just a t-shirt and underwear and we were drunk and we started making out and it escalated,” Calum says quickly.

“Just a bit,” Michael snorts into his coffee.

“And then I left really early this morning and he woke up and asked me to stay but I left anyway,” Calum looks down at his coffee, “It was a mistake. We were drunk.”

“Would you not have if you’d been sober?” Ashton asks wisely.

Calum doesn’t respond to this. He’s not really sure he has an answer.

“Calum,” Ashton reprimands, “This isn’t healthy. You guys need to _talk_.”

“We’re both really bad at that, apparently,” Calum observes.

“Do you still love him?” Ashton asks.

“Yes.”

“Then why aren’t you in his fucking bed right now?” Michael would probably have raised his voice by now if he wasn’t so hung over.

“Because I feel like we used to be right next to each other, like right on the same page and everything was perfect,” Calum says, pained, “And now, there’s all this space between us and he feels really far away and I want to change that but I don’t know how and I don’t know if he even _wants_ me to.”

“Maybe you guys could talk about it and then you’d know,” Ashton points out.

“Just think about it, okay?” Michael says gently, “We’re going on tour in a week. I’m not saying you _have_ to, but it could be good to patch things up before we do.”

“I think I need three years, not just a week,” Calum complains, “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“He does,” Ashton says.

“What if he doesn’t?” Calum asks.

“He _does_ ,” Michael says.

“Why are you so sure of this?” Calum frowns.

Michael grins in response, “Love gurus, remember?”

It’s started raining. Calum holds his coffee cup tightly and it warms up the palms of his hand as he looks out the window, trying to organize his thoughts. He knows that this rain would be so much more enjoyable if he were spending a lazy day in bed with Luke, only getting up for tea and to fetch a film. Luke loves the rain.

Calum loves Luke.

The three of them are still in the kitchen table when Luke comes in. He’s wearing sweatpants and a loose, long sleeved shirt and the hickeys on his neck and collarbones are visible, peeking out from the neckline of his shirt.

“Any coffee left?” Luke asks, looking at Ashton and Michael.

“Should be some. Otherwise we can make more,” Ashton answers.

“Thanks,” Luke comes to the table a moment later with a filled mug.

He sits down in the only empty chair, which is next to Calum, but he doesn’t look over. He keeps his eyes on his coffee and on Ashton and Michael.

“So it’s Saturday,” Ashton states, “You guys want to do anything?”

“It’s raining,” Michael complains, “But I guess we could have Niall and Zayn over to play video games.”

Half an hour later, their plans are made. Calum doesn’t talk to Luke that day. Every time he tries, Luke is engrossed in a conversation with someone else, and Calum knows that it’s because Luke doesn’t _want_ Calum to talk to him. He goes to bed early, even though Niall and Zayn are still there when he does, and he falls asleep wondering if it will ever start to hurt less.

He wakes up with a terrible fever. He’s sweating fucking balls and when he tries to stand up the room spins around him.

Fumbling with his phone, his calls Ashton, “Ashton, I’m dying.”

“What?” Ashton grumbles, “It’s four in the morning.”

“Yes but I’m _dying_ ,” Calum whines.

Ashton hangs up and he’s in Calum’s room half a minute later, “Why are you dying?”

Calum groans in response.

Ashton comes over and places a cool hand against Calum’s forehead, “Okay you’re not dying. You’ve just got a fever.”

“Dying,” Calum repeats.

“I’ll be right back with some water and Advil,” Ashton says, “Try and get some more sleep.”

“Mmm,” Calum responds.

He _does_ fall asleep, but when he wakes up again, there’s water on his nightstand. He drinks the entire glass before falling back asleep.

The next three days are sort of a blur in his mind. He stays asleep for most of them, and he stays in bed for all of them. Ashton and Michael bring him food because they’re wonderful friends, no matter what Calum’s ever said, and he doesn’t eat much of it. But by the third night he’s feeling better and he eats two bowls of spaghetti.

On the fourth morning, which he thinks is a Tuesday (but he probably wouldn’t put money on it), he gets out of bed and proceeds to lie on the couch. It’s not really that impressive, but Calum is proud of himself.

“You feeling better?” Michael asks when he comes into the living room to watch TV and notices Calum.

“Loads, actually,” Calum moves to make room for Michael on the couch, “Still a little tired though.”

“Well tour starts the day after tomorrow,” Michael looks like he’s about to jump up and down with excitement, “So you have until then to be in top shape.”

“Wait, what day is it?” Calum frowns.

“Wednesday.”

Oh, well. Close enough.

“I can’t believe we’re going on tour so soon,” Calum shakes his head in amazement, “It came so quickly.”

“I’m _so_ excited,” Michael’s face breaks out into a grin, but then he looks at Calum sternly, “Have you talked to Luke yet?”

“Michael, I’ve been stuck in bed _dying_ for the past three days,” Calum tells him dramatically.

Michael rolls his eyes, “You weren’t dying.”

“I get no fucking sympathy from this band,” Calum complains.

Michael gives him a look, “Just talk to him.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Calum huffs, “I will, okay? Just not right this second.”

“Before today is over?”

“I hate you.”

“I love you too.”

+

Calum doesn’t actually talk to Luke on Wednesday, but he does on Thursday. It’s later in the day and it’s raining again, and Michael and Ashton have just left to get takeout food for dinner. All of them have spent a good portion of the day packing, so Calum is lounging around now, leaning against the kitchen counter with a cup of tea in his hand while playing a game on his phone.

“Hi,” Luke’s voice makes Calum jump, and he nearly spills his tea, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Do you know where Ash and Mikey are?”

“’s fine,” Calum murmurs, “They went to get dinner.”

“Oh,” Luke says. He starts to leave and with a random burst of confidence, Calum puts his phone and tea down on the counter.

“Wait,” Calum says, taking a step towards Luke, who’s now stopped, with his back to Calum, “I need to talk to you.”

When Luke turns around there are tears in his eyes, and he’s looking at Calum accusingly, “You left. You told me you’d stay.”

“And you told me you loved me,” Calum says, before he can stop himself.

Luke flinches, “I _do_ love you, can’t you fucking see that? That’s the whole problem here! My fucking dad is telling me to never talk to him again unless I stop being a fucking fag but I can’t stop because I fucking love you. God, Calum, I know how badly I’ve fucked up and I know I’ve done some awful things but I never, _ever_ lied about loving you.” He’s breathing heavily and he rubs his eyes harshly, looking away from Calum, and taking a deep breath, “What did you want to talk to me about?” he asks quietly.

Calum’s words are stuck in his throat and he’s trying to form a sentence but he can’t figure out how to. So instead, he closes the space between them. Luke’s lips are chapped and bitten, but Calum thinks they’re the only lips he’ll ever want to kiss again. He cups Luke’s face with one hand and wraps his other arm around Luke’s waist. Luke drapes his arms around Calum’s neck and it’s slow but desperate and Calum doesn’t ever want to come up for air.

He has to, though, when they’re both gasping for breath and Luke pulls away just enough so that he can look Calum in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I fucked up and it wasn’t fair to you at all. And I don’t know how to make it up to you or how to make you forgive me and I don’t even know what to do about my dad but I do know that I love you and you make me happy and it was fucking stupid of me to ever think that I could stop that. So, I don’t know, if you want… do you think you could, like, ever love me again?”

“Luke,” Calum smiles, pressing a gentle kiss to Luke’s mouth, trying to pour all his love for the boy in front of him into this one kiss, “I _never_ stopped loving you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, a very, very, very special thank you to my beautiful, wonderful editor owyn for editing the 9k words of craziness that this chapter was.


	16. and i want to come home cause i miss your bones, and i’m sick and tired of always sleeping alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> teenagers who love each other usually end up alone. but sometimes they don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well it's a fucking miracle. i had to post this from my MOM'S computer because mine is like totally broken now and i'm so fucking mad about this. also i've had the worst writer's block in the entire world & i've been so busy with school and life and these are all terrible excuses and i'm sorry that this is so short but HERE. i hope you enjoy it at least a bit & i promise the epilogue is gonna be longer. i also want to finish it before NaNoWriMo starts so if the odds decide to be in my favor the epilogue will be up by friday. thank you for all your wonderful patience & for putting up with all of my crap. enjoy! xoxo

“Luke,” Calum smiles, pressing a gentle kiss to Luke’s mouth, trying to pour all his love for the boy in front of him into this one kiss, “I _never_ stopped loving you.”

“You didn’t?” Luke asks skeptically. Calum can see the uncertainty leaking through his features.

“ _God_ no, are you crazy?” Calum murmurs as he pulls Luke closer to himself, “Fuck, I don’t even know if that’s possible.”

Luke’s lips on Calum’s are urgent, like he can’t get enough. Or like he’s afraid Calum’s going to change his mind. “I was so stupid,” he mumbles in between kisses, “So fucking stupid. I love you, I love you, _I love you_.”

Calum tightens his grip around Luke’s waist and there’s no room left between the two of them but he still feels like Luke isn’t near enough, “I love you. You’re not stupid. Don’t say that.”

“Okay,” Luke says, rushed, as he tugs Calum’s bottom lip between his teeth, “I won’t. I love you.”

Calum’s bedroom seems very, very far away, but they manage to make it there with minimum damage. Calum bashes his elbow and Luke’s back gets a little roughed up, but none of it really seems to matter as they fall into Calum’s bed, completely entangled in each other.

Luke brushes his fingers over Calum like he’s not sure if Calum’s real or not, and he looks at Calum like he thinks Calum might be an angel. Calum leaves kisses on every surface of Luke’s body, marking up the skin as he goes. He can feel Luke’s heart beating fast against his ribcage, matching the beat of his own heart. Luke’s hands are shaking slightly as they reach down to Calum’s jeans and Calum steadies them with his own hands. They try to remind each other to breathe, but neither one has the time. There are more important things to do, like relearning, re-memorizing every little detail. (Breathing will come later.)

+

They lie in Calum’s bed afterwards, not saying anything. Calum’s holding Luke in his arms and Luke is tracing spirals on Calum’s stomach with his pointer finger. They’re both quiet but for once, in what seems like the longest time, it’s not uncomfortable.

Luke is the first one to break the silence. Calum knows he’s is about to say something important because he can feel Luke’s heartbeat suddenly speed up.

He takes a deep breath, his voice shaky, “My dad- he told me to never call him again. Unless I stopped being a fag. That’s why-”

Luke breaks off and Calum squeezes him tightly, “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it.”

“It’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it?” Luke mumbles.

“Your feelings are never pathetic,” Calum shifts slightly and presses a kiss against Luke’s forehead, “It matters how you feel.”

“Sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t,” Luke says quietly.

“Why?” Calum asks.

“I don’t know,” Luke is staring blankly at the wall straight ahead of him, “Just do.”

“I love you,” Calum says seriously, gently turning Luke’s jaw so that Luke is looking at him.

Luke’s eyes flit over Calum’s face, “I know, but-”

“No ‘but’s,” Calum interrupts, “This isn’t a conditional thing. I love you.”

+

Tour starts on Friday and it’s hectic and Calum is ninety-nine percent sure he’s forgotten something but then they’re leaving and he doesn’t have time to process anything else except for the fact that they’re going to be on tour for the next eight months.

On the bus, Luke falls asleep with his head resting on Calum’s shoulder and Calum thinks maybe this is what happiness is.

Ashton gives him a look that says “I told you so.”

+

“We’re going on a date,” Luke announces on their first day off of touring. They’re in Manchester and Calum is lounging in his bunk bed, reading some magazine he found lying around the tour bus. He’s lost in his thoughts, not really paying attention to the magazine at all. He’s also pretty sure he’s been staring at the same page for the past twenty minutes and it takes him a moment to process what Luke says.

“What?” he looks up distractedly at Luke.

“I’m taking you on a date,” Luke repeats, he flops down on the bed, pressing sloppy kisses to Calum’s face.

“When?” Calum smiles, pulling Luke on top of him and kissing him on the lips.

“Now,” Luke grins, “C’mon, let’s go.”

“It’s almost midnight,” Calum points out.

“Cool,” Luke shrugs, “Let’s go.”

“You’re weird.”

“And?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, now let’s go.”

+

Calum follows Luke out of the parked tour bus. It’s dark outside and it takes Calum a moment for his eyes to adjust, but Luke immediately sets off in a direction that Calum doesn’t recognize. Calum hurries to catch up.

“Where are we going?” Calum questions, as Luke cuts through two bushes and takes them to a sidewalk.

“It’s a surprise, idiot,” Luke says lightly, “The whole point is that you _don’t_ know where we’re going.”

Calum makes an annoyed sound but he doesn’t protest any further as Luke grabs his hand and leads him through the dark. The sidewalk is empty so late at night, and the only sounds Calum can hear are shoes against the pavement and breathing. They only walk for five minutes, ending up at a park. It’s empty too, and Luke stops Calum at the slide, turning to face him.

“Close your eyes,” Luke says giddily.

Calum rolls his eyes, trying to not smile at how excited Luke is, “Are you kidding me?”

“God, just do it,” Luke sighs dramatically, “You’re so stubborn sometimes.”

Calum raises his eyebrows, crossing his arms, “ _You’re_ calling _me_ stubborn?”

“Calum,” Luke smacks him lightly on the shoulder, “Close your eyes.”

“How do I know you’re not going to murder me with an axe?” Calum narrows his eyes, enjoying the flustered expression creeping onto Luke’s face.

“Do you see an axe anywhere?” Luke huffs.

“You never know, Lukey,” Calum teases.

“Jesus Christ, Calum,” Luke walks around behind Calum and places his hands over Calum’s eyes, “Move.”

Grinning, Calum takes a step forward, then stops, causing Luke to crash into him, “There. I moved.”

“I may or may not hate you,” Luke says, but Calum is pretty sure he’s trying not to laugh.

“You love me,” Calum responds cheekily.

“ _Walk forward, Calum_ ,” Luke’s definitely trying not to laugh and Calum figures he’ll humor Luke for now. He starts walking again, receiving an approving noise from Luke.

Calum tries not to stumble as he blindly moves where Luke directs him. Soon, he stops hearing the crunching that their shoes makes on the small pebbles and he’s pretty sure they’re on grass.

“Okay, stop,” Luke says after a moment, “Will you keep your eyes closed?”

Calum nods, and Luke slowly removes his hands. He hears Luke move away and soon after he hears the sound of a lighter.

“Are you going to light me on fire?” Calum asks playfully.

“Keep your eyes closed,” Luke responds.

Another moment passes with Luke rummaging around, doing God knows what, and then Luke is close again. His lips press against Calum’s gently before he pulls away and murmurs, “Okay, you can open them now.”

Calum slowly blinks his eyes open, smiling at Luke before looking around. They’re on the field behind the park, and there’s a picnic blanket laid out. Luke’s set up a row of four candles along the edge of the blanket, and there’s a picnic basket with a bottle of champagne and two glasses sticking out of the top.

Calum points to the candles, “That’s definitely a fire hazard.”

“Calum,” Luke sounds a little frustrated.

Calum looks back at Luke and gives him a mock-innocent smile, “Yes?”

“I’m trying to be romantic, and you’re, like, totally fucking it up right now,” Luke pouts.

Calum tugs Luke into a kiss, reaching around squeezing Luke’s butt gently, “Thank you. I love it.”

Luke’s pout turns into a grin against Calum’s mouth, “Good. Shall we?” He motions to the blanket.

Calum grabs Luke’s hand and pulls him down onto the blanket, “Those candles are definitely a fire hazard, though.”

“Shh. We’ll be careful,” Luke puts his finger on Calum’s lips, lingering there for a few seconds. Then he pulls his hand away and opens the champagne with a loud pop. He pours it into both glasses and hands one to Calum.

“Thanks, darling,” Calum says as he takes the glass from Luke’s hand.

“Darling?” Luke snorts, taking a small sip from his own glass.

Calum shrugs, “It seemed fitting for champagne. No?”

“No.” Luke is laughing though, and that’s all that Calum really wanted to accomplish.

“So what’s in the basket?” Calum questions dubiously.

Luke grins, putting his champagne glass down and balancing it between his knees. He reaches over and proudly pulls out two takeout boxes, “Chinese food.”

“Oh my god, I love-”

“Wait,” Luke holds up a hand, reaching back into the basket, and pulling out a rectangular shape wrapped in tin foil, “Pumpkin bread, which I made all by myself no matter what Ashton will try to tell you. And-” Luke hands Calum the pumpkin bread and the Chinese takeout, then pulls out a thermos, “Hot chocolate. The really good kind.”

Calum can’t stop himself from smiling, and he’s glad it’s dark out because he knows he’s blushing right now at the thought of Luke doing all of this for him.

“Did you set this all up before you came and got me?” Calum asks curiously.

Luke nods. Calum is pretty sure he’s blushing too.

“What if someone had stolen everything?” Calum points out.

“I made Mikey stand watch,” Luke admits, “I told him to leave when he heard us coming. All I had to do once we got here was light the candles and straighten out the blanket.”

“I’m impressed, Hemmings,” Calum pokes his cheek, “You’re doing a splendid job at wooing me.”

“I try,” Luke smiles, then scootches closer to Calum, leaning his head on Calum’s shoulder, “I want to make things up to you.”

The tone in his voice makes Calum’s chest ache, “Luke, you don’t-”

“I feel like I do,” Luke cuts him off, then adds quietly, “It’s still really hard for me.”

“I’d be surprised if it wasn’t,” Calum says as he wraps his free arm around Luke, “It’s only been like a week. Things aren’t going to change overnight... it’s- it’s okay for things to be hard.”

“I feel like you deserve so much more than I can be for you,” Luke sounds small and scared and Calum wishes he could do something to show Luke how much he loves him.

“The only thing I want or need or deserve is you,” Calum starts, “And it would be stupid to think you’d feel good about everything in just a week. We’ve hardly even talked about it, and ignoring things won’t make them better. I’m not asking you to pour your heart out right now, but we just need to communicate. I _want_ to know how you’re feeling, I don’t care if it’s good or bad or totally, completely awful. The good comes with the bad, and the bad comes with the good. Just start by telling me when something’s wrong, and we’ll work from there, okay? That’s enough for me.”

“Okay,” Luke takes a deep breath, “Want some rice noodles and sweet ‘n sour chicken?”

Calum tilts  his head to look at Luke, studying him, “Are you using this as a way to avoid talking or are you actually hungry?”

“A little bit both.”

Calum sighs, trying to think of a way to get through to Luke, “What’re you thinking right now?”

“I don’t know,” Luke mumbles.

“It’s okay to talk about feeling shitty,” Calum reassures him. He’ll repeat it a billion times if he has to.

“I don’t want to ruin our date,” Luke excuses, shifting uncomfortably.

“It won’t ruin our date,” Calum says encouragingly, “It will make me happy.”

Luke shoots him a look, “That’s weird.”

“Luke,” Calum says seriously.

“Calum,” Luke returns, mimicking Calum’s tone.

“I know what you’re doing.”

“And what’s that?”

“You’re changing the subject. And you’re deflecting things with humor.”

“ _You’re_ deflecting things with humor.”

“Luke.”

“Calum.”

“ _Talk_ to me.”

Luke stays quiet for a really long time after that. Calum tries to be patient. He’s never thought of himself as a patient person before, but he figures if it will coax Luke into talking to him, he’ll give it a shot.

“I feel like I can’t win,” Luke says softly, just as Calum’s about to speak up, “I want to be with you. You make me happy. But as long as I’m with you, my dad’s gonna hate me, and that takes all the happiness away. But if I’m not with you, I’m not happy either. I just want to be happy. I thought that’s what parents were supposed to want for their kids too. No matter what.”

“That _is_ what parents are supposed to want for their kids,” Calum says carefully, “Some parents just… don’t understand the whole concept, I guess.”

“’s not fair,” Luke mumbles.

“You’re dad’s gonna realize how stupid he’s being, Luke,” Calum declares, brushing Luke’s arm soothingly with his thumb.

Luke sounds genuinely concerned, “What if he doesn’t?”

“Then you’re going to learn to be happy with yourself no matter what anybody else thinks,” Calum says confidently.

“What if I can’t do that?” Luke’s voice is just above a whisper now.

“I’ll help you.” Calum wonders if he’ll actually be able to do this or not.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Can we eat now?”

“Yeah.”

They finish the Chinese food first. Calum ends up throwing some of his rice noodles in Luke’s direction and it quickly escalates into a weird combination of a food fight and making out. They’re both a little sticky as they eat the pumpkin bread (which turns out to be incredibly good whether Ashton helped or not).

When they’re done eating, Luke blows out the candles and they clear off the picnic blanket. They wrap it around themselves and share the thermos of hot chocolate as they look up at the stars and Calum’s never been one for clichés but he’ll look at the stars for fucking hours if he’s doing it with Luke.

(And Luke tells Calum that he loves him more than the amount of stars there are in the sky and Calum tells Luke that he loves him more than even that so maybe Calum is a little biased in his fondness for the stars.)

They go back to the tour bus when the sun starts to come up and they’re both too cold to feel their toes. They get a little bit lost on the way because Luke is falling asleep and Calum still has no idea where they are, but it doesn’t matter once they’re in Calum’s bus bunk.

It doesn’t matter that the bunk is hardly big enough for the two of them and it doesn’t matter that they’re supposed to be awake in a couple of hours. They fall asleep curled together, limbs intertwined and Calum thinks that the feeling of Luke pressed against him is the only thing he ever wants to feel again.

 

 


	17. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "oh darling, my heart’s on fire for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!!!!!! so basically this is the last chapter/epilogue of the fic?? i don't even know how i managed to finish this thing but i wanted to finish it before nanowrimo started. so here's the epilogue! i hope you enjoy it!! thank you sososo much for reading and commenting and kudo-ing and everything, i appreciate it all so much and i love you guys for your support. i'll probably post something new after november... I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MCUH OK <3333333333 xoxoxo

**eight months later**

“Calum, I don’t know if I can do this.”

They’re standing on the doorstep of Luke’s front door. It’s been a week since the tour’s ended and they’re finally back in Sydney. Luke’s mum had insisted that Luke at least come for lunch; he’d been camped out at Calum’s house since they’d gotten home.

Calum hardly blames him; he wouldn’t be thrilled to see Luke’s father either, but he’d pushed Luke to say yes to his mum. Avoiding his problems will only make things worse.

And Luke has been getting better. There are still some days where he’ll curl in on himself, slip back into his imaginary shell and let his mind escape to some other dangerous place. But he’s been letting Calum in more and more and Calum just keeps falling more and more in love with him.

Luke turns to leave. There’s a look of panic creeping onto his face, but Calum grabs his arm and stops him, slinking his arm around Luke’s waist.

“Yes, you can,” Calum says confidently into his ear, pressing a gentle kiss against the spot where his jaw meets his neck.

“I haven’t seen him since he straight up told my gay ass to fuck off,” Luke says bluntly, still tense under Calum’s touch.

“He didn’t _exactly_ say that,” Calum amends.

“I was paraphrasing,” Luke snaps. He takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m just nervous.”

“Look, your mum said he agreed to be civil,” Calum reminds him, “And you haven’t been home in, like, almost a year.”

“It’s called moving out,” Luke deadpans, “Plenty of kids our age don’t live at home right now.”

“Even if you were in uni, you still would’ve visited home by now.”

Luke frowns, “You’re not being very sympathetic.”

“Look, we’re going to get through lunch with your parents,” Calum says bracingly, “Then we’re gonna go back to my place and we can lie in bed until my mum calls us down for dinner.”

“You’re making it sound easier than it actually is,” Luke protests.

“You can do this,” Calum insists.

“No I-”

Luke is interrupted as the front door opens and his brother, Jack, appears.

“Dude you’ve been standing outside for like ten minutes just get your ass in here already,” Jack says, pulling Luke into a crushing hug.

“Hey,” Luke says, his voice muffled.

Jack releases Luke, then turns to Calum and pulls him into just as tight of a hug. After nearly squeezing Calum to death, he steps back, studying them.

“So, you two, huh?” Jack crosses his arms, smirking.

Luke turns bright red, looking down at his feet but Calum can’t stop himself from grinning.

“You guys are losers,” Jack declares thoughtfully, “Let’s go inside, Mum’s made a ton of food.”

“Of course she has,” Luke rolls his eyes, visibly relaxing at the familiarity and Jack ushers them into the house, “Where’s Ben?”

Jack launches into an explanation for Ben’s absence that involves a shortage of alcohol and tomatoes (their mum, apparently, doesn’t actually _know_ about the alcohol part but that’s probably for the best). Calum kicks off his shoes, already feeling at home because it’s _Luke’s_ house and this was his second home before the band actually became something.

Luke’s mum suddenly appears out of the kitchen and, with a cry of joy, she pulls Calum into a hug (Calum thinks she could give Jack a run for his money). Once she’s properly crushed the air out of Calum she rushes over to Luke and does the same.

“Baby, it’s so good to see you!” Liz says with what sounds like a sob.

“Mum, are you crying?” Luke asks, bewildered, “Fucking Christ, Mum, you saw us all a few months ago.”

“Luke Robert Hemmings,” his mum scolds, “Watch your language. And a few months is much too long.”

“You see me more than you see Jack and Ben,” Luke points out, wiping his cheek where his mum’s left a slobbery kiss.

“Yeah but I was supposed to have you around for a few more years. We’ve been over this.” Liz reaches up, running her hand through Luke’s hair and Luke makes a protest, automatically attempting to fix it back, “Now come on, food’s almost ready and Ben and your father should be back from the market soon. We were out of tomatoes.”

Jack winks at Calum as she says this. (Calum tries not to laugh.)

She pauses on the way to the kitchen, “Your father-”

“It’s okay, Mum, I get it,” Luke mumbles, stopping her.

“Just... tone things down, okay?” Liz says hesitantly.

Luke’s expression goes hard, and Calum fights the urge to reach out to him even though he knows it wouldn’t make things better right now, “Sure thing, Mum. Wouldn’t want to give him the wrong impression, yeah?”

“That’s not what I mean, Baby,” Liz says, “You know I’ll always love you no matter what. I’m just asking for a nice family meal. One without conflict, preferably.”

“Uh, Calum, I actually had something I wanted to talk to you about,” Jack says, looking eager to exit the situation.

Calum shoots Luke a look, seeing if he would rather Calum stay, but Luke just shakes his head, so Calum reluctantly follows Jack into the kitchen, looking back over his shoulder as he does. He leans against the counter as Jack goes to the fridge and pulls out two beers, handing one to Calum.

“So I feel like I can pretty much skip the whole overprotective brother speech,” Jack says casually, opening his can of beer, “I mainly just didn’t want to be there if mum went off on a rant. But, you know, like, don’t hurt him.”

“I won’t,” Calum says seriously, “Ever. Not intentionally, anyway.” He opens his own beer to distract himself.

“How’s he handling the shit with our dad?” Jack asks, obviously trying to act less concerned than he probably is.

“Um, better now,” Calum says slowly, hesitantly, “It was kind of a mess at first. But we’ve, like, been working on things together.”

Jack grins teasingly at that, “Do you guys love each other?” He playfully makes a kissy face.

“I thought you were supposed to be older than me,” Calum challenges, “Doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to be more mature?”

“I don’t think I signed up for that,” Jack says.

“It must have been in the fine print,” Calum responds.

Jack bursts out laughing, the same way that Luke does when he thinks something is really funny and he can’t stop himself. Once Jack regains his composure, he studies Calum for a moment with a fond expression on his face, “I’m glad it was you.”

Calum can feel a blush creeping onto his face, “Yeah?”

“Like I know he’ll be happy with you,” Jack shrugs, “I don’t have to worry about that as much now.”

Jack stops talking as the door from the side of the house to the kitchen opens and Andrew and Ben come inside. Ben’s holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. His father’s holding a bag of tomatoes.

“Yo,” Jack says as way of greeting, going back over to the fridge. He tosses a beer across the kitchen to Ben, who catches it easily, “You want something, dad?”

“Not right now,” Andrew responds, looking over at Calum. Calum can see the disapproving expression in his eyes, “Hello Calum.”

Calum clears his throat, suddenly nervous, “Hello. How’re you?”

“Calum Hood!” Ben announces loudly, interrupting Calum’s courtesy and popping open his beer, “Good to see you, mate.”

He hugs Calum, spilling a bit of beer onto the floor, “Shit, at least that wasn’t on the carpet. Hang on let me get something to clean that up. Where the fuck’s my loser brother?”

“Language, Ben. What is it with my children and swearing today?” Liz scolds, coming into the kitchen with Luke behind her, “I swear, this isn’t how I raised you. And your brother’s right here.”

“This is exactly how you raised us, Mum,” Jack chimes in, as Ben simultaneously launches himself in Luke’s direction, nearly tackling Luke to the floor.

“Let him breathe, Ben,” Liz reprimands.

As Liz finishes preparing the meal, shouting orders at her husband and sons as she does so, she starts questioning Calum and Luke about the tour and new music, then proceeds to fill them in on everything they’ve missed while the’ve been gone. Luke fiddles nervously with his bracelets and avoids talking to his dad. He lets Calum answer most of the questions his mum throws at them.

At first Calum tries reaching out for him but Luke shakes his head and mutters, “Mum asked me to keep the PDA down.”

“Okay,” Calum says, attempting to keep his tone light and cheerful, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Luke, can you bring the potato salad to the table?” Luke’s mum asks, “And Calum, grab that platter over there with the sandwiches on it.”

There’s abrupt chaos and then everyone’s seated at the table. Calum is sitting next to Luke and he immediately puts his hand on Luke’s knee under the table. Luke smiles at him appreciatively.

Ben starts talking about football and a girl he met at a party a few weeks ago. Then Jack mentions that he’s been seeing a girl for about a month now. Calum can see Luke getting nervous; he shifts uncomfortably in his seat and Calum squeezes his knee reassuringly.

“Remember that girl you were seeing, Luke?” Luke’s dad says abruptly, “The one from year ten? What happened to her?”

“Realized I like dick,” Luke mutters under his breath, just for Calum to hear. Calum tries to pass his laugh off as clearing his throat.

Luke’s dad continues, obviously not hearing Luke, “She was a sweet girl.”

“Yeah well Calum’s a sweet boy,” Luke says suddenly, looking his dad straight in the eye, “And he’s great in bed.”

Ben starts choking on his drink and Jack bursts into laughter. Their father has a look of complete horror on his face. (Liz looks torn between reprimanding Jack and Ben or laughing herself.)

“I’m not going to put up with this,” Andrew starts, flustered, his face turning red.

“Fuck off, Dad,” Luke responds angrily, “I’m dating Calum and nothing you say or do is going to change that.”

“It’s not right-”

“I don’t care if you think it’s right or not!” Luke exclaims, “He makes me happy! That’s the only thing that should matter to you.”

Luke’s dad goes silent, his face even redder than before. But he can’t seem to come up with a response.

“Now leave me alone,” Luke continues, glaring at his father, “‘Cause Mum wants a nice fucking family meal and I’m not going to ruin that any more than you already have.”

(And Calum sort of really wants to kiss him.)

“These are great sandwiches, Mum,” Ben cuts in obnoxiously.

“Shut up, Ben,” Jack says, smacking him over the head.

“Be nice, Jack,” Liz admonishes.

“Luke just said ‘fuck,’ like, five times,” Jack notes.

“Do you have a point?” Liz raises her eyebrows and Jack looks like he’s about to start laughing again. Andrew is still glaring at various members of his family, gripping his fork tightly.

“Fair enough,” Jack says, shrugging, sending a proud look Luke’s way.

“Also, he only said it twice,” Calum says cheekily. Luke smiles at him.

“I swear this family,” Liz smiles fondly, shaking her head. “Just eat your _fucking_ food.”

+

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Calum teases as they escape to Luke’s bedroom after lunch.

“Are you _kidding_ me?” Luke asks dramatically, flopping down on his bed, “That was _terrible_.”

Calum grins, joining Luke and pulling the younger boy against him. Luke rests his chin in the crook of Calum’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Calum says softly, “We survived it.”

“I guess,” Luke mumbles.

Calum turns his head at an awkward angle, trying to look at Luke, a smile tugging at his lips, “So I’m great in bed, huh?”

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Luke groans, his cheeks turning red.

“That was the single best moment of my entire life,” Calum declares, “Also, I’m glad my skills in the bedroom make me a keeper.”

“That’s not the _only_ reason I’ve kept you around,” Luke jokes, pressing a kiss against Calum’s neck, “But, you know, the sex isn’t half bad.”

“That’s all I get?” Calum pretends to be offended, “‘Not half bad?’”

Luke starts sucking a love bite onto Calum’s skin, pausing to say, “Okay, the sex is _fantastic_.”

“You’re just saying that so I’ll blow you,” Calum pouts.

“I’m offended by that accusation,” Luke bites Calum’s collarbone gently, slipping his hand under Calum’s shirt and lightly trailing his fingers up and down Calum’s stomach.

“Mmhmm,” Calum hums, “Well maybe I just want to blow you.”

“My parents are downstairs,” Luke bites his lip, tempted at the thought.

“You’re talking but all I’m hearing is pointless noise,” Calum murmurs, tilting Luke’s head up to kiss him. He keeps it lazy and gentle at first, waiting for Luke to ask for more. He keeps his hands above Luke’s waist, but as Luke parts his lips further, giving Calum better access, he slips his hand down Luke’s thigh.

Luke bites Calum’s lower lip, tugging at it between his teeth, then pulls away, mumbling, “You’re rude.”

Calum moves his other hand down between them, palming Luke’s growing hard-on through his tight jeans.

“Am I?” Calum sits up, moving down the bed and positioning himself over Luke. He slowly unbuttons Luke’s jeans, smirking at Luke as he does so.

“You’re clearly not in a rush,” Luke comments, ignoring Calum’s previous response.

Calum raises his eyebrows, “Have somewhere to be?”

“No,” Luke’s breath catches as Calum thumbs over the head of his cock.

“Hmm,” Calum draws out, “Why rush then?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Luke hisses, “Just that _my entire family is downstairs_.”

“I’ll stop if you want me to,” Calum spreads Luke’s precome with his thumb, then slides his hand down the shaft.

“I hate you,” Luke whines.

“At least I’m great in bed,” Calum winks at Luke and he knows he’s won because Luke sighs, trying to keep his breath normal as he leans his head back and lets his eyes fall shut. Calum smirks to himself, bending down and taking the tip of Luke’s cock in his mouth. He slowly takes as much of Luke’s length as he can in his mouth, working the rest with his hand.

Luke let’s out a soft moan and Calum stops.

“Calum, I swear to God-” Luke starts but Calum shakes his head, getting up and plugging his phone into Luke’s speakers. He shuffles his Green Day songs, then locks Luke’s door.

“Now nobody will be able to hear you,” Calum says proudly, “You know, since your entire family is downstairs.”

Luke rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, “Get back here, you’re too far away.”

“As you wish,” Calum says as he climbs back onto the bed.

“Did you just quote the _Princess Bride_ at me?” Luke snorts.

“Do you want me to defend my choice of quotation or would you rather I give you a blowjob?”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I know.”

+

Luke wakes Calum up early with coffee and kisses. They’d gone back to Calum’s house later the day before and had ended up staying up late with Mikey and Ashton, who had finally gone back to their own houses around 1:30.

“Baby, the sun isn’t even up yet,” Calum complains once he’s leaning against the headboard with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands.

“I know,” Luke says, “I want to go watch the sunrise. Remember like we used to do sometimes?”

Calum feels himself giving in as he remembers fifteen-year-old Luke insisting they climb onto fifteen-year-old Calum’s roof at five in the morning. They’d gotten yelled at three or four times before they’d figured out how to be quiet enough not to wake up the rest of Calum’s family.

“Okay fine,” Calum yields, “Just give me a minute to wake up a bit more.”

Luke grins, kissing Calum happily and venturing over to Calum’s half-unpacked suitcase, digging around and pulling out one of Calum’s hoodies. He throws it on, then tosses another sweatshirt to Calum.

“Here, it’s probably cold out right now.”

Calum sets his coffee down and puts on the sweatshirt, “Thanks.”

He gets out of bed and, with his coffee in one hand, he wraps his other arm around Luke’s waist and leads them out of the bedroom.

They make their way up to the top floor of Calum’s house, trying to be quiet but failing miserably (because it’s _Luke_ and he still hasn’t figured out how to properly work his long limbs). Calum opens the window in the his dad’s office, handing Luke his coffee and stepping out onto the ledge. The design of the house allows for easy access to the roof, and he effortlessly climbs onto it, then reaches back so that Luke can hand him their coffee mugs before he climbs up himself.

Once they’re situated, Luke says, “I should’ve brought a blanket. We always bring a blanket.”

“We’re out of practice. Being away for a year does that sometimes,” Calum reminds him, “Want me to go get one?”

“No, it’s fine,” Luke shakes his head, “The sun’s about to come up anyway. I don’t want you to miss it.”

Calum pulls Luke closer to him, “We’ll just have to keep each other warm.”

“That sounded kind of sexual,” Luke comments.

“Shut up, I was being romantic,” Calum retorts.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re both terrible at being romantic,” Luke presses his lips against Calum’s shoulder.

“I dunno,” Calum says softly, “You’re not so bad.”

“How sweet of you to say,” Luke hums.

The sun is coming up now, brilliant shades of orange and blue mixed together. Luke yawns, clutching his coffee mug tightly, his knees pulled up to his chest as he leans his head on Calum’s shoulder.

“I’m, like, so in love with you,” Luke says quietly.

And Calum wonders if his heart might burst with all this love, he wonders how it’s even possible to love someone so much. And he wonders if they had to go through all the bad stuff so that they could have so much good. (Calum thinks he wouldn’t change a bad thing in his life if it meant that he could have all this good.)

He presses a kiss to Luke’s temple, “I’m so in love with you too.”


	18. latch playlist

here's the tracklist for the latch playlist. every song i've used lyrics from for a chapter title or mentioned in the fic is on this mix, as well as songs that aren't mentioned but i think fit well (they're in order too).

**chapter one**  
 1. latch (feat. sam smith) - disclosure  
 2. always - blink-182  
  **chapter two**  
 3. distance - christina perri  
 4. sex - the 1975  
 5. sick muse - metric  
 6. everlasting light - the black keys  
  **chapter three**  
 7. dust to dust - the civil wars  
 8. lost boy - 5 seconds of summer  
  **c** **hapter four**  
 9. same mistakes - one direction  
  **chapter five**  
 10. all of me (cover) - josh kaufman  
 11. miserable at best - mayday parade  
  **chapter six**  
 12. wake me up - ed sheeran  
 13. don't stop - calum hood  
 14. shots - lmfao  
 15. lucky (feat. colbie caillat - jason mraz  
  **chapter seven**  
 16. english love affair - 5 seconds of summer  
   
**chapter eight**  
17\. she looks so perfect - 5 seconds of summer  
18\. tattooed heart - ariana grande  
19\. she's a rebel - green day  
20\. check yes, juliet - we the kings  
21\. let's be animals - the downtown fiction  
**chapter nine**  
22\. angels - the xx  
23\. have i told you - matthew mole  
**chapter ten**  
24\. latch (cover) - kodaline  
25\. chandelier - sia  
26\. emmylou - vance joy  
**chapter eleven**  
27\. about today - the national  
28\. bad moon rising (cover) [feat. peter dreimanis] - mourning ritual  
29\. alone together - fall out boy  
30\. let's dance to joy division - the wombats  
31\. human - daughter  
32\. breathe me (cover) - aiden grimshaw  
**chapter twelve**  
33\. bloodsport - raleigh ritchie  
**chapter thirteen**  
34\. one night - the summer set  
**chapter fourteen**  
35\. gasoline - troye sivan  
36\. like a knife - secondhand serenade  
37\. still breathing - mayday parade  
38\. good thing - sam smith  
**chapter fifteen**  
39\. daylight - 5 seconds of summer  
40\. famous last words - my chemical romance  
41\. the only reason - 5 seconds of summer  
**chapter sixteen**  
42\. stitches - wild child  
43\. stolen dance - milky chance  
44\. long way home - 5 seconds of summer  
**chapter seventeen**  
45\. hearts on fire - passenger  
46\. snaggletooth - vance joy

PLAYLIST LINK: [LISTEN HERE](http://8tracks.com/irishlarry/latch-a-cake-fanfic-playlist)

PLAYLIST IS NOW UPDATED SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE THING ON 8TRACKS. THANKS FOR BEING PATIENT, IT'S BEEN A BUSY END OF THE YEAR AND, AS ALWAYS, I LOVE YOU GUYS AND THANKS FOR READING. XOXO


	19. I've finally returned!

Go read all about it **[here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4516359)**!


	20. new fic!

My new fic is up, go read it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4538025/chapters/10328196)!


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